baby battle....

Angela - posted on 07/21/2011 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I guess Im just hoping for a few pointers. Advice would be wonderful!! So last year my fiance' and I split up for a couple months, and he started seeing this girl, who a few weeks later came up saying she was pregnant with his baby. Well the baby was born June 20. hes a month old now...we have not seen him or really had a lot of contact with the mother. However my guy has emailed her asking if we could see him and she has told us no. She wants child support but doesn't want to give us visitation. Says she is comfortable leaving him with anyone, yet we know she has been leaving him with her friends to go out. He has asked for a DNA test which will have to be done anyway due to the fact they have never been married, and he doesn't know for sure the kid is his. So she asked him if he wanted to do a home dna test or go through court,and he chose court which i think is best, so this week he was served with papers to have a DNA test done. in the papers she wants all the rights and wants money from my guy. I've never had to deal with anything like this before, so I'm just wondering if there is anything we should know before going into our lawyers office. Also, him and i have a 5 yr old son together and we have twin boys on the way.

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Christina - posted on 07/21/2011

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Adrienne, yeah, it depends on the state. Texas SUCKS ASS for father's rights. But a lot of states are showing a lot more fairness for fathers. As they should. A father has just as many rights as the mother. It is not their fault they can not become pregnant.

Jessica - posted on 07/21/2011

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This sounds like she wanted a child and your husand gave her that. Sometimes it's about keeping it simple not complicated for the kid. My advise would be to not push her. It is way to soon to start pushing to see the child. As a mom yourself should know that having a newborn you are at a very fragile state in your life. The best thing to do is wait until she is ready. Don't think her selfish, she every right to do what she thinks is best, she is the mommy. Babies don't really remember you until a little later on anyway. I think that if you kept in contact, good things happen to those who wait:)

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Angela - posted on 08/21/2011

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Hey ladies....Court ended up getting continued. The mothers lawyer was a complete jerk.... very unprofessional. He actually yelled at my fiance in the waiting area where there were many other people sitting, it was a little embarressing. We were told he can't get a DNA test unless he has a lawyer present. So we go back the first week in September. She still has yet to allow us or him to see the child. However now that she is wanting to go out every weekend she is having my MIL babysit, which is a good thing, at least the child is being taken care of. however, she has told my MIL she doesn't want my fiance or I around when the child is there.

Also, I must say, while I don't think facebook is the right place to put your every minute living, its actually allowed us to gather some information about her and what she does. Which I'm hoping will help our "his" case.

Adrienne - posted on 07/21/2011

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Oh and another thing, if the judge feels one parent is being too restricitve, custody can actually be flipped, where he would get more custody and she would be the one stuck with visitation. Judges want both parents in the childs life. This is all in Iowa though as well, but I'm sure every judge has the same general idea!

Adrienne - posted on 07/21/2011

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My husband and I are going through a divorce right now, and thank God we have an agreement on our kids' custody, because he is a HORRIBLE father and has absolutely no idea how to take care of the kids, so he has supervised visits. ANYWAY! If she is going for all rights, that won't happen. My lawyer has told me over and over again, that judges like things fair, if it goes to court, chances are the judge would rule for split custody, the only way she could get full custody/primary physical care, is is he has abuse of some sort on his record.

Jessica - posted on 07/21/2011

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I hope you get full custody then. Girls like this don't need children!! Only presistents and time will tell.

Christina - posted on 07/21/2011

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Oh, and make sure your fiance does all the talking. You won't be allowed in court most likely for the custody or child support case because you are not biologically related to the child. So any questions or concerns you have, write them down for your fiance to ask and go over.

Christina - posted on 07/21/2011

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Wait for the DNA results, and if it is his son, file for visitation or 50/50 custody. She can't have it both ways. She can not legally keep this baby from your fiance. Doesn't work that way. I tell all mothers that if they want the cash, they better be ready to hand their kids over for unsupervised visitation or 50/50 custody.
It doesn't matter that this baby is an infant, your fiance would have the right to overnight visitation WITHOUT her! Only way that would be denied is if the child was breast fed and could not or will not drink from a bottle, and she would have to prove that.

Angela - posted on 07/21/2011

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Trust me its not a case of thinking she is selfish, as a mother and I think a pretty good mom, I wouldn't leave my childs side, however the day they were released the baby was left so she could go shopping. She turned 21 a week before she had him, and couldn't wait to find a sitter so she could go out and drink. This is a girl who already has one daughter and she did the same thing to her father, denied him visitation and he ended up taking her to court. My mother in law was the one who this girl called at all hours of the night to go to the ER and my MIL would sit with her for hours when she would say she was having contractions just for her to be sent home because she really wasn't.my MIL was also there when the child was born, and she won't take him over to visit with her. When asked if she can come by to visit my MIL gets told ill think about it. But then she has her friends and family talking badly about us and not seeing the child. Its an extremely messed up situation.

[deleted account]

I'm glad to see you have a lawyer :) That's always y #1 piece of advice in custody battles.

Unless your fiancee is completely HORRIBLE (and I mean horrible, like doing drugs all the time, in prison, etc.) then the courts will grant him visitation. I have never heard of someone having to pay child support, but getting no visitation. That's incredibly selfish and stupid on the mother's part to even think any court would order that, so don't worry.

As for your question, write down any questions/concerns/thoughts you want to share with the lawyer and take them with you. It's a lot easier to get through everything in a short amount of time if you're prepared and organized. You guys should also write down what you think is a reasonable visitation schedule (do you guys want 50/50? Every other weekend? There's a lot of options out there for schedules) and give it to your lawyer. That will cut a good 10-20 minutes off your time needed with the lawyer because he or she doesn't have to spend time with ou guys figuring all that out. Also, have all your paperwork ready (your fiance's tax returns for the last few years and paystubs are very helpful in figuring out child support, for example). Also, I highly recommend re-reading everything before it's filed (to make certain it's exactly what you want) and keep copies for yourself (don't just blindly trust the lawyer to keep all the copies for you).

Ummm... I know there's more advice for you, but I lost my train of thought since my 2 year-old just woke up :) I'll come back to let you know if I think of aything else!

Good luck!

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