baby dad problems

Hailey - posted on 12/27/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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I need advice... Not many of my friends have kids and it seems like the rest of the people in my life have been with the same person forever!
I am a single mom to a 2 1/2 year old boy. Me and his father were together on and off for 3 years until I got pregnant and we broke up for good. It was not a healthy relationship. It was built on partying and fun. He is also 11 years older than me. I was intrigued by his world I guess. I was madly in love with him I would have followed him anywhere (and did) but he never loved me that way. In honesty I don't know if he has the ability to love anyone like that. But getting pregnant made me grow up and unfortunately he's already about as grown up as he'll ever be. And I decided, that life was not for me or my son. I always knew my sons dad didn't want kids. So I knew I was alone from the beginning.
From the beginning he has not been very involved with my son. He will visit once every couple months for an hour or so. Usually after I have "reminded" him. Anytime we have a serious conversation he says he wants to be a dad. But his actions say differently. He has always payed child support on time. I told him in the beginning he could choose to pay child support and be in his kids life or he could sign over his rights and that would be that. So again choosing to pay to me means he wants the option to be there. In the beginning he said once our boy was 2 he would be around more, "once he didn't need his mama around so much" but he is 2 1/2 now and no difference. His excuse for everything is that our son is too young to know what's going on or miss him. I think this is ridiculous cause if he had been around from the beginning his son would know him just like he knows the rest of us in his life. I am always extremely accommodating with my sons dad. Whenever he visits he ALWAYS comes to my house and he knows he is always welcome here even tho quite honestly I don't usually (ok ever) want to spend time with him that is the only way possible he says because he is never living somewhere that is acceptable to take a child. My thing is I have always gone above an beyond to be accessible to him because I don't ever want my son to be able to blame me for things (even tho I'm well aware regardless at some point in his life he will). There is really no drama between me and my sons dad. The only thing we fight about is him not seeing his kid.
Now with Christmas just passed I still have not heard from him to wish our son a merry Christmas. I texted him end of November an let him know I wasn't going to plan anything for his family this year. ( the last 2 years I have invited my sons dad and his father and sister to my house for a Christmas meal because like I've said I feel strongly about my son knowing that side of his family) but last year they all stood us up without Even a phone call so I was letting my sons father know it was up to him this year to plan it and I would make sure my son was there. Well at the time he said ok but it never happened. And it's 2 days after Christmas an he hasn't Even sent a merry Christmas. I know what he'll say, that he's too young it's a waste to text me to tell our son merry Christmas when he doesn't know one way or the other. But if he knew his son at all he would know many people called him that day to say merry Christmas and my son spoke to all of them. He is 2 1/2 now not a baby he knows well what is going on! No he didn't miss his dad saying merry Christmas but that's because he doesn't know what a dad is to begin with. He also makes stupid remarks all the time like posting things on Facebook " wrap it with latex or she'll get your pay checks" am I being over sensitive thinking that is a straight negative comment towards his son? Also he pays me $100 a month whoop dee whoo big deal.

Ok so my question is. What would you do? I realize I can't protect my son from the hurt this will one day cause but I would like to minimize it. Is it better to tell his "dad" to f*ck off completely or let him keep coming around every couple months and calling himself "dad" I feel like it's confusing for my son. And my son has no shortage of live in his life. He also has many strong male figures to look up to. (Which even if his dad is around he is not exactly someone I want my son modelling himself after). I know it is wrong to keep a child from his father but is there exceptions to that rule? If my son later wanted to know his dad I would never keep information from him or speak badly about his father (even though I could write a book!!) also I don't want visits at my house anymore after he leaves here I am literally sad for 2 days because I just can't understand how he can reject this beautiful smart lovable little boy. Everyone who meets him is obsessed with him... Why isn't his dad? He comes from a 2 parent household just like I did. I just can't understand hi side of things. Please advice anyone. I would like to note I am not worried for my sons safety at all when he is with his dad. I know he is safe and I know there is no hope in hell he would run off with him. He'd be returning him that night so he could go to the bar

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LuCkY - posted on 12/29/2013

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My sons dad didn't call him on his bday last week but posted a old pic of him and my son. He's around every so often I don't let him see him only if my sons grandma has him and is there the while time. We were engaged and when I left hum he didn't card to much for my son no money and child support isn't getting on his ass. It's hard to be a single mom but don't force a man to be there who dosnt want to be. Never talk badly about his dad and if he asks for him distract him or go do something with him never lie though. It's going to be tuff but don't look for him I realized that if they don't wana be their don't make them. There will be a time when a real man comes and steps up to the plate just be the best mom u can be u got this. Plenty of women dis this and still ars u can to.

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Michelle - posted on 12/28/2013

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It's very hard because you need to make sure all the lines of communication are kept open or he could take you to court and say you have kept his son from him but on the other hand you can't make someone be a parent.
You have been doing all the right things but maybe stop contacting the father so much. Let him know that when he's ready to be a Father and a part of his son's life you will encourage it but you won't be actively trying to get them together anymore.
Let the Father know that it's his choice when he wants to see his son but make sure you keep getting the child support.
Child support and visitation are separate issues and even if the father doesn't want to see his son he still has to pay.

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