Baby's father/my husband planning on divorcing me after deployment- advice & honest debate

Veronica - posted on 11/06/2010 ( 119 moms have responded )

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My husband was deployed in June of 2010. I gave birth to our daughter in August of 2010 while he was deployed in Afghanistan. I heard word of his plans to divorce me during the last months of my pregnancy while living with his family. This made things rocky between me and my family in law, and I was lied to in regards to the situation. I found out that they were lying to me and confronted them. They denied the fact that they knew of his plans. My husband's ex girlfriend of 6 years has recently come back into the picture, as of the day he and I got married. I am not a jealous person and could have cared less that they talked, but when I found out that she was still calling him 'love', I got quite upset. I asked him to not talk to her anymore because of this fact and because she always wanted to hang out with him alone. Whenever he received a call from her, he would always go outside of my earshot to talk to her. I read a message from him to her on one of his social networking sites which read along the lines of (but with profanity and horrible use of grammar), "I don't care if my wife says I can't talk to you, I'm going to anyways and I don't care about what she says." All of this messaging led up to me leaving the place where his family was living and going back to my home state to live near my family. Since the day my daughter was born, I have not received any phone calls from him. His mother and EX GIRLFRIEND, however, has received an abundance of phone calls. It hurts to know that he doesn't even care to call his wife in regards to just how his daughter is doing. Someone please tell me - is what I am feeling normal, or am I over-reacting?

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[deleted account]

Honestly, if it was me I'd get the divorce papers in at YOUR court (where you live) before he gets back. Not many people know this, but wherever a custody case is started is where it stays (exce[t for extreme circumstances, like both parents move all the way across the country). So, unless you want to be dealing with ALL the crap from a whole different state, file in your court. I think it's pretty obvious that he's not emotionally there any more and I doubt anything will change when he gets back.

You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers!

ALMA - posted on 11/08/2010

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@ Veronica ..........

So sorry you're having to go through this . Its a shame that men can't keep to their word when they marry. My husband is in the military too and has been deployed as well. Deployments don't help marriages at all. In fact in many situations it makes things 10 times worst. I was wondering if you have thought about talking to his commanding officer ?? If you think he's cheating and have proof of it a simple phone call to his CO will put him in place. The military does not allow affairs in any way shape or form . he can even go to jail for it. Try talking to your FRG leader . They probably won't be able to make him be faithful but they will provide you with options. He has to provide and care for his child no matter what. And in my opinion you are not over reacting . In fact i believe ur under reacting (if thats even a word ) LOL. Me in ur case . would call that girl up and give her a reality check. and the same to the husband but thats just me LOL.

There are plenty of men out there who want to care for you and your daughter as well. Have faith and god will guide you through it all..

Best wishes !

Angie - posted on 11/17/2010

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WOW... I am the wife of a US Marine and have been through the whole deployment thing. It is one of the toughest things to have to deal with and is very hard on even the strongest of relationships. It seems like his relationship with his ex started even before he left(whether it be sexual or not). As far as my believes; doesn't matter what, you and your daughter should come first and everyone else should respect that. However, it doesn't even seem like he gives you the respect you deserve, so why would his family or anyone else feel the need to give you any respect.

You did the right thing by leaving. Only problem is, since he wasn't there for your daughter's birth, and he hasn't shown any interest in checking in on her, he almost certainly will not be interested upon his return. I found with my daughter, the first few days in the hospital was the most important time in my husband's bonding with her... Ever since; she is his life, and has even taken priority over me(which is the only way I would have it).

By the sounds of it, it seems like you have almost come to terms with the fact that he might not be coming home to you and your daughter. There is no good answer to all of this, but nothing could get fixed with an ocean and a few countries in between. If it is at all possible for you to mail packages to him, DO SO. Everything you know he loves, pack it!!! With every package you send, send a picture of your daughter(do not include yourself in these pictures). Write him... telling him only about his daughter and not trying to mend anything in mail(be careful to not put anything on paper you will later regret!) BE SUPPORTIVE!!! And do not mention his family either. Give him all the good news and keep the bad to yourself!!! And keep doing it. DON'T STOP!!! You fell in love with him some time back, just like he fell in love with you at some point. Become that person again.

This is not going to be an easy thing, and you might want to write down some good memories... for the times you feel like "It's not worth it". You will need some support... To be honest, you're going to need all the support you can get!

Keep us posted on how things are going, and more importantly, how your daughter is doing!

Nicole - posted on 11/11/2010

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You are not over-reacting. If I was you, I would distance myself from his family and live on your own or at your parents house. I does sound like he is cheating and the fact that he won't even talk to you make him like a child. When you are away from his family you can do your own thing with your daughter and if he wants to be in your or your daughter's life then he will have to come to you. You need more support and right now he is incapable to give that to you. You should file for separation and take a step back and evaluate your relationship and what is best for you and your daughter.

Stephanie - posted on 11/07/2010

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i would go ahead and file for custody and if you do hear from hi make note of it. keep track of dates times and eveything. it will only help you more n the end. sounds like hes being shady and doesnt need a child. hopefully that will help

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Amanda - posted on 12/03/2010

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you deserve better ,you have a gorjuz daughter you dont need anyone else xxxx wish you luck

Melody - posted on 12/02/2010

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There a lot of posts on this so its hard to sift through everything and see what has been posted so not sure if the advice I have to offer does any good. But with your husband being deployed often times they have to sign over power of attorney (POA) depending on the type of POA you can file for a divorce and have it completed without him doing a thing. It might be something to look into. I wish you and your family the best of luck. If your husband has had no contact with your daughter as of yet... it will probably not change once he is back but who knows maybe he will come around but its best to protect yourself and your baby now rather then wait and see what happens

Roxanne - posted on 12/01/2010

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it's all natural to feel upset, hurt and somewhat used and forgotten by this creep but i think that it would be in your best intrest to do what it is you need to do to ensure that your daughter is taken care of, both by you and by her father. if he chooses not to be involed with your daughter directly ,sadly there is nothing that you can do. but you can make sure he at least provides her with the proper security,i.e child support, insurance. and hopefully as time progresses he may come around as a dad once your daughter starts to be more interactive, if not then he is the one that loses. as far as you and he go, well you can not force anyone to love you, no matter how much your heart aches for them, and for this i am sorry. i hope that what i had to say helped at least a little.....

Candace - posted on 11/20/2010

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@ Heather, tricare is actually 26 as long as the child is enrolled in school full time, if not, then its 21

Candace - posted on 11/20/2010

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okay, i hate to say it like this but ur soon to be ex husband is a serious douche bag....not that many women are strong enough to stay with a man who is enlisted in the armed services because of the chance that they can be deployed and something can happen while overseas. so if he wants to leave, let him....honey i had to learn the hard way with my ex boyfriend, they're going to do what they want regardless of how u feel about any of it. what i suggest you do is stay near your family and get him out of your system and be a strong woman and mother for your baby girl. she's going to need you. it will take time and healing, but i guarantee as time goes on, it will get better....be blessed

Andie - posted on 11/20/2010

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I was just about to suggest you filing papers in your own court and saw that Holly has already advised you to do so. She's absolutely right. Additionally, in the case that something is brought up regarding custody of your daughter you are in a much better position since you already established residence in another state. Even if you decide not to file make sure you have your name on something in the state you're living in now as proof of residence for your daughters sake.

I know it's hurtful to think about, but he's clearly already established a relationship with this other woman (the ex). It's quite likely that they were already having a romanic relationship before you left his families home. His behavior was telling of such. If he wasn't hiding something he wouldn't need to speak with her out of your ear shot. As far as spending time alone with her, ARE YOU KIDDING? It's entirely inappropriate in this situation, and leads me to believe they were doing something you wouldn't approve of. Be it kissing, sex, or even just intimate discussion, either way it wasn't good. Please don't question yourself with this because are gut instincts are usually pretty spot on.

Be strong for your little girl! She's the most important thing, and you want her to have a strong, intelligent mommy as a role model. Don't let this break you. You're so much better off without him! Better things to come. My thoughts are with you.

xoxo
Andie
http://www.eazilyamuzed.com/

Andie - posted on 11/20/2010

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I was just about to suggest you filing papers in your own court and saw that Holly has already advised you to do so. She's absolutely right. Additionally, in the case that something is brought up regarding custody of your daughter you are in a much better position since you already established residence in another state. Even if you decide not to file make sure you have your name on something in the state you're living in now as proof of residence for your daughters sake.

I know it's hurtful to think about, but he's clearly already established a relationship with this other woman (the ex). It's quite likely that they were already having a romanic relationship before you left his families home. His behavior was telling of such. If he wasn't hiding something he wouldn't need to speak with her out of your ear shot. As far as spending time alone with her, ARE YOU KIDDING? It's entirely inappropriate in this situation, and leads me to believe they were doing something you wouldn't approve of. Be it kissing, sex, or even just intimate discussion, either way it wasn't good. Please don't question yourself with this because are gut instincts are usually pretty spot on.

Be strong for your little girl! She's the most important thing, and you want her to have a strong, intelligent mommy as a role model. Don't let this break you. You're so much better off without him! Better things to come. My thoughts are with you.

xoxo
Andie
http://www.eazilyamuzed.com/

Linda - posted on 11/20/2010

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I had a situtation myself. Not quite like this one. Let me tell you my situtation. My husband was working night shift. He had a lot of friends. Well I invited all his friends to a birthday party that I had for him. Well this one girl was all over him. She was drunk and so was he. She was also all over the other guys there too. Well after the party we went to a friends house and she went too. Well when he got out of the car he waited on her to pull up. When she did and got out he hugged her and kissed her neck. I was very upset and sat in the car. He was drunk & I didn't want to upset him. The next day we talked about it and he was very upset with himself. But he ended up hanging out with her all the time. She came over here alot. When she called & asked for help fixing up her house, he went. He missed alot of our daughters first year ball games. I was very upset and didn't know what to do. He was telling me that she reminded him of his sister that had just past away. So I let her keep coming over and I let him to continue to go over there. Well to make this long story short. My son had his phone. He got into the texts messages. I took it away from him and saw all the text messages from her. I started to read them. I had discovered that she had sent 3 naked pictures of herself to him. I was so hurt, upset, and pissed off. So I waited until he woke up and had a talk with him. He told me that he had told her to stop. He only likes her like a sister. He showed me that text. I never said anything to her. Well, she sent more and I told him that if he didn't get her to stop I was gonna go to her house and have a little talk with her. Well, to this day he does not talk to her. We are still married and so much in love. You have every right to be upset, hurt, & pissed off. If I was you I would either try to forgive and forget and try to work on your marriage when he gets back or you can say f*** off. It is his lost not yours. You don't really want to be with someone that treats you like that anyway. You deserve better than that. I hope this helps you in either desicion that you make. I will be praying for you.

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On Holly's note also. I would contact his command, it is actually a punishable offense by way of an article 15, and or discharge from the military to commit adultry. Also, as long as he is in the military and you are divorced, he HAS to pay child support. If he doesn't, again an Article 15, and garnishment of wages. He also has to keep full tricare on your baby, for the extent of time that he is active duty, or she turns 18 which ever comes first. Go to your local JAG office at your nearest, base/post/NAS whichever applies to you. They will help you with the paper work, completely free as a military spouse. They might (I'm not sure) help with your custody agreement too. Military personnel stick together, BUT we do not tolerate mistreatment of spouses amongst us.

[deleted account]

My motto has always been "what one man won't do, another one will." If he can't care enough about your daughter now, do not set her up for that disappointment. Move on, there are plenty of men who would love you and your baby! And he IS military, get him for child support. Military does NOT play when it comes to that. You will be set up on an allotment, girl! and she is also entitled to those benefits, get him to put her on DEERS.

Janessa - posted on 11/19/2010

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No you are not overreacting. I'm sorry you are going through this. It sounds like you've gotten some good advice though that I would take. Good-luck

Erin - posted on 11/19/2010

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I just would like to say that I'm really sorry for you having to go through this and I hop you keep your chin up. Good luck to you :)

Stephanie - posted on 11/19/2010

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It is not you. I would go through with the divorce. He is selfish and I agree with Holly's statement. Good luck

Stephanie - posted on 11/19/2010

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I don't think you're overreacting at all. This is a marriage not a bf/gf thing. Its a lot more serious 7 its a bigger commitment. he should be willing to honor that and respect your feelings. If he doesnt care to even speak about his child thats truly a bad sign. Not much you can do until his returns from leave. I wish you the best. At teh end of the day your child and yourself are what matters. If things dont work out it isnt the end of the world.. just a chapter in your book.

Kasey - posted on 11/19/2010

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I just cant understand how he doesn't want to know how his child is doing. He doesn't deserve to be in the baby's life and you are definitely not overreacting. I would not have handled the situation as well as you have actually.

Venessa - posted on 11/19/2010

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Honestly I agree with Holly...I wouldn't wait on divorce papers, I would go ahead and get them together my self. And if he is in fact the father, the military will make sure that he takes care of his child. Its time to think about your daughter.

Amy - posted on 11/19/2010

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i am truely sorry to hear that your going threw this. its unfortunate but alot of marriages go threw stuff like this when one of them is shipped of to war and it in no way is right. it makes me supper sad for you guys that he hasnt checked on his daughter and his family is one hundred percent in the wrong. im glad that you have moved out and close to your family, that will be a healthy much needed change for you and your daughter. i have never been in a situation of divorce or anything but my dad went threw a divorce with his 1st wife and then later married my mother and my mom had told me over the years that prior to me being born that her and my father went threw alot with custody issues and she said no matter what you document everything that goes on with your ex. if he calls comes by. screams hellls brings presents no matter what it is write it down in a journal. the date time and exactly what happened so if you have to go to court you have all your ducks in a row. my cousin has had to do this also and said it makes you look better in court. i wish you the best of luck and all the happiness in the world. god bless you and your daughter.

Kellie - posted on 11/19/2010

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DEFINITELY keep track of every correspondence he makes with you. Write down times that he called (even notate what he said!) and what time he hangs up the phone. If he comes up to MI to visit his daughter (or if his family does), write down what time they come over and what time they leave at.

I say all of this because a friend of mine just went through a pretty nasty divorce (he was telling the kids how bad a mother she is and that he was going to take them away from her - TO HIS CHILDREN!!). When he did mention about wanting to have custody, she pulled out allllll sorts of info about when he showed up, when he didn't show, how long he'd have the kids, what they did, where they went, etc. She even had emails from her telling him about a kid's play that he tried to tell the judge she didn't inform him about. Ya. Document EVERYTHING!! And all of the time. It may seem tedious, but like everyone else says, your daughter is the most important person in the world. He truly is scum and doesn't deserve her (or your!) love. Good luck!!

Alyssa - posted on 11/19/2010

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I unfortunately went throught the exact same thing. except i found many emails stateing "i love yous" and stuff like that.
I keep the information to myself and suggested marriage counceling.
we did marriage counceling, and i just couldn't hold it in any longer. I told him what i knew and he didn't deny it...
Anyways, after a lot of argueing and not talking, i started going out with my friends to get out of the house and away from him. We had a 2 year old daughter at the time and we were pregnant with a little boy. We were about to get transferred to where his exgf lived and i had no intentions on going up there with him.
My family was supportive of me and were going to help me out. I even talked to a divorce lawyer.
Then he sat down and had a talk with me.
I let him know I had no intentions on going up with him, that I was planning on fileing for divorce, and that I was going to keep our kids. Since he is active duty he can't get physical custody of them anyway. I told him that there was still time to fix it, and that if he really wanted to throw away everything we've worked so hard for, our family, then that was on him. because there was no coming back.
I told him if he really thinks she will make him happier than i have, with all that i do for him. (which was reallly doubtful the girl was a drug addict last i heard)
Something must have clicked that day because we are still happily married, (unfortunately living in the same state as his ex)
i have his email account sending his emails to my phone, which he doesn't know about, and i check his phone at night when he is sleeping...parts of me dont trust him. One day i will though, but i'll be damned if i get blindsided again.

My suggestion is, if you still love him. TRY to exhaust all options, like marriage counselling and what not before fileing for divorce. Be sure to look up the Sailor and Soliders Civil relief act pertaining to being served with papers while overseas, and custody laws in your state as well as the laws with military.
You have my best.
It isn't easy...

Natasha - posted on 11/19/2010

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You are definitely not over reacting...you are actually pretty calm. I'm sorry to hear you're going through what you are,I don't believe as a man he would put his wife through such, but i…must say he's a man and I don't think men think like we do. I've been married 10 yrs so I know how you feel when it comes to wanting your family n laws to b up front with you, when all in all the hubby should man up and admitt his mistakes first. So no you're not over reacting at all!!!!!

Alisha - posted on 11/18/2010

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You are not overreacting at all! This is a terrible situation! I will pray for you and your family! He doesn't sound like a loving husband at all and he doesn't seem to respect you.

Jina - posted on 11/18/2010

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Im sorry to hear what you are going through, i could not imagine. I am prior navy and know how all that works and my husband is currently active duty and is going through the same thing only he was the one on deployment and his ex wife was the one that was unfaihtful. I dont know how much you would like to "get back at him" per say, but he can get in a lot of trouble for what he is doing to you with his command. First, you should be getting a huge amount of money from him from his BAH, family separation pay, combat pay, and his base pay all together. If you are not revcieving any financial support than you have a huge issue because the BAH is for family support. Also, you can contact the commands ombudsman, if you do not have the information call his post and they should be able to give you the info by just verifying that you are his wife. Now adultery is a huge deal to active duty military and all you really have to do is call and tell his command what he is doing and he will be in a world of hurt because you two are still legally married and are not separated in the courts. No proof required just a simple phone call! Also make sure you file first, you do not want to be driving/flying back and forth everytime there is a court date. Also if you want base legal help go now. they are only allowed to represent one person either the serivce member or there spouse. if you have any questions please do not hesitate. I am an expert on this stuff.

Joyce - posted on 11/18/2010

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Well I would if I was you be very pissed my husband is in the milatary and there are alot of things you can do. One get ahold of his rear detatchment and let them know what is going on I am not sure if you have a shared bank account but he has to make sure your bills and housing is paid for that is why he get BHA and he has to help with the baby. You guys are married so he has no say just make sure you get ahold of someone in his unit to let them know what is going on you can even get ahold of you family readyness leader and they should be able to help you with all of this and then if you still want to get a divorce then jag will help you with that and you wont have to pay for anything and they will make sure to get him the papers so you don't have to wait until he gets home trust me if you ask for help they will help you. Dont sit and let him get away with this he married you not her and now he has to pay for what he is doing just make sure you talk to his unit and some times you might have to keep calling but befor you know it they will help K I sure hope this helps you from One milatary wife to another I can only wish you the best good luck.

Sunet Smit - posted on 11/17/2010

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I felt the same way I was married for 3 years when my husband started having an affair with a lady that worked with him. Three months after i found out about the affair my now ex-husband moved out, a week after he moved out I found out i was pregnant. I did tell him but he was not interested couldnt care less. I was so angry and hurt i just hated everyone that knew anything about his affair and anyone who was friends with him. It took me a very long time to get over it Im over it but sometimes the memories of what happened still comes back and the hurt and anger is there for another day or so. We've been devorced now for almost 3 years in which he has never visited our son he has never even phoned or asked how our son is. His parents saw him for the first time last Christmas and then he was already one years old but even they never call or visit their grandchild. I recently heard that my ex and the girlfriend had a baby, and then i think to myself how unfair it is that my son never even met his father but the new baby is with him permanently, but then also I thank God for The new man in my life who has taken up the responsibility of being my sons dad and he loves him very much. and my son adores him. I don't think you are overreacting we got hurt. And people call it over-reacting then what do we have feelings for. You will always feel some kind of hurt. It's been 3 years since i last saw my ex and it still hurts some times. Well i hope i was to some help and good luck. the feelings and hurt won't just dissapear overnight and there'll be a tough time ahead of you, just don't let it get to you to much. All the best to you and your little girl

Jessica - posted on 11/17/2010

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I'd divorce his butt and ask for soul custody and spousal support asap goodluck

Dana - posted on 11/17/2010

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Fine enough for the Ahole if he does not want anything to do with you anymore, His loss, not yours.. But that Lil girl, is his daughter.. And that is just not right, You are NOT over reacting, if I were you I would deff file for divorce first.. And full custody, because courts do take into account that he has not even contacted you in regards to his daughters health or anything..

Jessica - posted on 11/17/2010

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You are not out of line. I'm so sorry you have to even go through this. I would file first.

[deleted account]

Divorce him before he gets the chance. Then enjoy your life with your beautiful daughter. Being happy and doing well is the best revenge!

Tamara_coleman@hotmail.com - posted on 11/17/2010

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I dont think you are over reacting.It sounds like he is up to something with his "ex" . His family should be ashamed of themselves and him for thier behavior.I would get a divorce you and your daughter will be better off without him.I hope this helps..

Katie - posted on 11/17/2010

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I know from being in the military if he ever cheats on you go to his first shirt!! Child support will be automatically taken out of his pay checks before he even sees it!! And you will automatically get half of his retirement. I say if he is going to be an asshole be one right back!! Sorry but it just makes me so mad when guys treat girls like this!! I was cheating on and I know how it feels

Leanne - posted on 11/17/2010

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I completely agree with Angies post.. great ideas. and good to send him packages involoving both your daughter and leaving your stuff out of it.. you are the bigger person and that would be a good thing to do..

Leanne - posted on 11/17/2010

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One more piece of advice, though I know the urge might be there try not to send nasty letters to the ex or him or his family or make nasty calls.. because they can turn around and try to use that against you later and even though you have the right you are better then that.. I would just try to stick to your guns and be strong in whatever you do.. but be the bigger person, the better person .. even though when someone has done something like that that is terrible you dont want to be.. but you can and keep praying about it.. oh and definately file for spousal and child support.. dont let him off that easy

Brandi - posted on 11/17/2010

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he's military unless he's getting out chances of him getting full custody are slim to none. (im a military wife and my best friend just went through this) get the paper work but also if he's not helping you $$ wise contact his chain of command and let them know he's been getting involved in this other woman and not helping you and that you are getting the paper work just so they have a heads up. our chain of command had to do that for my friend when her husband pull this he cut her off from the bank account she ended up living with us for 8months while we paid for her and her son diapers and all. they went in and made him set it up that she get a set amount in her account each paycheck. good luck

Leanne - posted on 11/17/2010

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also are you for sure he has been talking to them?? I mean you said he was calling the ex and mom.. I am so sorry.

Leanne - posted on 11/17/2010

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I know a few people going through simular situations.. My advice.. and I am for working on marriages etc. but from the sounds of it he isnt.. You deserve better.. your baby deserves better. I would get the divorce started and move on to better. but i also suggest maybe some counsling too because this is all a tramatic thing and a lot to handle especially being a new mom with a new baby.

Ingrid - posted on 11/17/2010

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I don't know much about divorce, so I can't give my opinion there. I do know many states require a separation period so I would file for that ASAP. I would contact his command of the situation. Don't give details just inform them he has not contacted you. You need to do this b/c he is required to support your daughter and as long as he is active duty she is covered under tricare weather you are married or not.

He doesn't sound like he is worth your time, but we do not know the whole story. Good luck and I hope things work out the way they should.

Your entitlements have nothing to do with you being married. He decides who gets the money in his military record. You could be divorced for years and he is remarried and if he does not update that paper for his SGLI you still get the money or whoever he listed. So if god forbid something happens you will be taken care of. So don't let that effect your decision to leave him. Most men forget to update their paperwork.

Catherine - posted on 11/16/2010

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Sorry Darl, I think it's safe to say you are out of the picture for good, it's his loss. However, Ignore the matter, wait until he gets back into the country, if he is safe, file for divorce. Because if he dies over there you are initialed to everything, unless the will states otherwise. Furthermore, wait until he gets back into the country because he will be on a higher pay while he is over there. Resulting in a bigger pay for you in divorce settlement. There are plenty of single mothers out there who can do it, you are pretty much single now. Enjoy yourself, you can look after your little Girl, you and your daughter who are the most important people to worry about.

Good Luck and I am thinking of you.

Monique - posted on 11/16/2010

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I agree with what people are telling you. Also make sure that you are enrolled in tricare for yourself and your daughter becuase even after you divorce you are entitled to have it. Also make sure that if you were not working that you file for alimony as well child support. I do not know if he is back now but if he is and is not cooporating then contact his command so that they can get him to start. I had to do this when I was trying to get divorced. My ex was not answering calls so I went to his command. The helped me a great deal. Also I am not sure what branch he is in but you can go to any base and go to the family service center or equivalent and they will be able to help you too. Good luck.

Amanda - posted on 11/16/2010

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I would get a divorce - do the papers before he gets back! If he hasn't called you to see you his wife and daughter are doing while he is gone, then you def dont need him in your life! It seems as if he doesn't care about either of you - I would get full custody of your daughter and get him out of your lives!! You can find a much better guy who will actually love you and your daughter!!! I wish you the best of luck!!

[deleted account]

Do you think that he's been unfaithful to you? If so contact his command. That might just straighten him out. Then again it might not and he might lose a few stripes and that in the end is less money for you. YOu can also contact his command and let them know that oyu aren't being kept in the loop. You are the spouse and in the militaries eyes come before the mom. If he's a momas boy I would plan on him have her go get the paper work together so he (she) can file for divorce the day he gets back. I would go talk to a lawyer and prepare to file the moment he gets off the plane.

Tabitha - posted on 11/16/2010

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girl... first off, if he hasn't got that respect for you to not talk to her and to say that about you, you don't need him. Now, I am TOTALLY against divorce if it is avoidable, but sounds to me like in this case, you're better off. That's ppl's problem today. No one respects each other anymore. Everyone's so selfish. I bet he'd get mad if you did the same thing to him

and on the other hand, I am going through the same thing with the not calling or anything. Have been for almost 2 years now. But, luckily for me, God sent me a very wonderful man who pretty much took her in as his own and that's who she calls daddy. I know it hurts, and I'm so sorry, but time will heal things. And you never know what may lie around the corner for you.

Helen - posted on 11/16/2010

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After reading Veronica's post, I thought how strong, smart, level-headed she is through all of this. I was starting to think that everyone else who just had a child is so happy and I'm the only one having husband problems.
Since Michelle was born 14 months ago, my husband and I have had problems (ugly fighting over responsibilities, money, intimacy, etc.) He tends to be verbally/emotionally hurtful, never physically. I watch my words but am known to throw a coffee mug or two, never in front of Michelle of course. Our last blow out, we both voiced that we might need a separation/divorce.
I feel there is no legal reason for a divorce (yet) and we should seek help first.
I was wondering how many others are going through a similar situation, how did you handle your overwhelmed and at times verbally abusive husband, and how is affecting your children at this age?

Kristi - posted on 11/16/2010

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You are not over- reacting at all!!! I would get divorce papers asap! There is no excuse to not even call your wife & check on your daughter. Thats not fair to either of you. I hope things get better for you. Just know God will get you through anything! Stay strong!!

Sarah - posted on 11/16/2010

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i'm not in the same situation as you but during my hospital stay when i had my son, my husband would go home and play comp games! i had complications and moved in with my parents to recover from my 2 surgeries! during that time my husband would only come see us once a week (we live 10min away from my parents) and then he would complain that he didn't get to see our son! but yet i found out he had been going out drinking and hanging out with his "old" group of friends... the ppl he was around when he was doing drugs and going to jail all the time! so he had the money to go drink but not enough to get gas to visit us... not to mention that he had to drive farther than 10min away to go to the bars! i moved back in with him and then left a few days later because he was being verbally abusive! we talked things over and now i'm with him again since hes said he will change! but he is still verbally and emotionally abusive to me at times but its not as bad as it used to be! i thought about divorce but i won't divorce him unless absolutely necessary because i don't want him to have any kind of custody or visitation with our son! he has anger management issues and if i'm around him when he has our son i can stop him from doing anything to him! but if we get divorced i can't stop anything from happening! divorce is a hard thing to decide on! but your husband sounds like he's emotionally attached to his ex and doesn't sound like he cares about you or your child! if my husband completely ignored us i would divorce him because he would have a hard time getting visitation if he doesn't care about the child! do whats best for you and your child! thats all you can do!

Jessica - posted on 11/16/2010

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if you are going to change your last name back to your maden name do your daughters too! here in Aus you can change your childs last name before they are 12 months old with out the other parents consent!

Amanda - posted on 11/16/2010

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If I were you I wouldn't wait for him to divorce me I would divorce him first...

[deleted account]

Him being in the military there are things you can file with his branch of service as well to make sure that he pays child support and alimony after the divorce. It can even guarantee that your daughter has medical coverage for the duration of your husband's service, which is pretty big. My advice is to get a lawyer and get to working on it now.

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