Behaviors

Angel - posted on 03/18/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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I have a 9 almost 10 yr old daughter. I am having issues with her behaviors. She has chores that she is suppost to do to have her cell phone. It is a prepaid and if she doesn't do them we don't pay for more minutes every month. She tries to tell me we don't love her and none of her friends have chores.

I don't know what to do as punishment we take her phone her nintendo DS everything except school things because she is a straight A student in GT plays the violin is in the school chior.

She always has her homework done when she comes home.

Her chore is loading the dishwasher and picking up the kitchen- sweeping, and wiping off table and counters. I don't beliee this is to much for her to do for the $50 a month she gets on her phone.

When my step son is here we have the issue of why does he get to stay up later (she stays up later than her sisters every night by an hour) he stays up 30min after them. She will throw a fit until we give in and let her stay up or not do her chores because we just can't listen to her scream anymore. I have tried ignoring her when she screams but she just continues yesterday it was close to 2 hrs before she stopped and I did the chores she was suppost to do.

I don't have this issue with her sister she just does her chores I don't even have to ask.



Any advise would be appreciated!

12 Comments

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Angel - posted on 03/20/2009

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I do have the phone and her nintendo DS. He is 2yrs older than her the same as she is from her sister within a couple months. They go to bed at 8 she goes to bed at 9 and he goes to bed at 9:30. That is the time he gets to spend with his dad by his self since he doesn't live with us. I think he deserves to have at least a half hr a day to just talk to and spend time with his dad usually at this time the other kids are asleep and I am doing homework so it is just them when I can get her to go to bed like I tell her.



I have tried to explain to her that this is why he stays up and she doesn't care its just not fair and when she throws the fit it lasts usually till 10:30 or later of just her screaming we try not to talk to her during this time but I do tell her that I wouldn't be surprised if the cops get called cause it sounds like she is getting abused even though its only her yelling. Since here the noise ordinance is 10pm. The Dr just tells me its her age but I don't really know we have tried just talking to her about it and what she says is the same every time "Its not fair" never a reason why its not fair.



It is nice to know maby it is just the age and maby she will out grow it I just hope its soon!



Thanks!!

Stacey - posted on 03/19/2009

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Physically take the phone away immediately after she throws a fit. Kids and even teenagers have problems looking at future outcomes, such as minutes on her phone card that may take a while to relinquish and are not tangible.



How old is her brother? If he is less than two years older bed time may not be worth fighting over.



For everything else don’t give in. it may take a long time to fix and it may be painful to deal with but kids learn from a very early age who they can get away with stuff with and how much of a fight they may need to put up to get it. In one of my PSY classes there was a study that showed how toddlers began to stereotype by gender who will give in to their demands. Meaning if dad gives them cookies at the grocery store and mom doesn’t, then they may try to get cookies with grandpa too and through a fit if they don’t. (kinda off the subject but I thought it was interesting)

Tracy - posted on 03/19/2009

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Quoting Angel:



You are lucky! I tried the chore chart never worked except with my 8 yr old.  I never have to ask her I just say did you do your chores and if she hasn't she does them then helps with the living area and her room when she is asked. I don't know why my 9yr old has an issue with it. SHe didnt like hand washing the dishes so her dad bought a dish washer all she does is load it and the dishes are done and her room Is a disaster I have to go clean it myself! I keep telling her if there is a fire she will be stuck in her room but she doesn't care. I have thought about setting the smoke detector off and making her think there is a fire to see what she does. But that seems kind of mean.






i never thought of doin that with fire alarm a may try it as well its not mean it will just show her y u ask her to keep things tidy

Casey - posted on 03/19/2009

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My stepson thinks he's mistreated bc he has chores. Hw lives with us and when he goes to his moms, he doesnt have chores. So everytime Ihe does his chores he tells me he wants to go live with his mom. When my kids dont do what they are suppose too, they go to bed early. They hate that and it seems to work often. Just take away something they enjoy whatever it may be. Every child is different. One goes to bed early and one loses their PSP for theday.

Angel - posted on 03/19/2009

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You are lucky! I tried the chore chart never worked except with my 8 yr old.  I never have to ask her I just say did you do your chores and if she hasn't she does them then helps with the living area and her room when she is asked. I don't know why my 9yr old has an issue with it. SHe didnt like hand washing the dishes so her dad bought a dish washer all she does is load it and the dishes are done and her room Is a disaster I have to go clean it myself! I keep telling her if there is a fire she will be stuck in her room but she doesn't care. I have thought about setting the smoke detector off and making her think there is a fire to see what she does. But that seems kind of mean.

Heather - posted on 03/19/2009

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Your kid is lucky. I have a chore board with everyone's name on it and I assign chores for the week and they have to do them all week long-everyday or they won't get an allowance. Most of the time I don't have to say anything and they will come home from school and just hurry up and get them done. Other times I have to ask them to do it, but when they are done, they can't wait to run and get me so I can see how they did. I have more of a problem with the boyfriend doing his chores that the kids. My 12 year old hasn't thrown a fit yet, but she has cried before about doing her chores but I told her she had no choice and never give in. I'm hoping she stay like this through her teenage years...lol.

Tracy - posted on 03/19/2009

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its ok i'm glad am not the only one its so hard to keep to thinks but i need to no cause if she carries on im scream 4 her when she gettin in her teens i'll try all what ive read, someone wrote on my bad behave wall n said everytime she does somethin good even if she was moody bout 5 min b4 doin it still praise her 4 doing that, last nite she had it on her 4 3 hrs after she stopped i said cause she was like that she can wash pots she stamped bout abit until i gave her gloves she was so glad to have them she did it with no shoutin i was so glad first time without shoutin after askin her to do somethin, i said if she can do the pots ever nite she can have 25p 4 after school but then she said could i have it on thur so she could get £1 to buy these little figues everyone is gettin instead n she will not ask 4 any other money little by little i'll add more thing 4 her to do xxxxxx hope u get sorted soon i no i do

Angel - posted on 03/19/2009

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Thanks I will try some of this but she doesn't have a tv or computer of her own. The computer she shares with her 2 sisters and we only have a tv in the living room so we all watch it together. Most of the time she just reads while we watch anything (that is all she cares about is her books but I can't take them away thats for school and she reads around 200 words a minute this averages out to she read the entire harry potter collection in 5 days)  I have thought it was the signs of puberty but it has been a year she has been acting like this!



Thanks!

Amie - posted on 03/19/2009

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Your right in that her chores are not all that much. My own will be 9 this summer and her chores are cleaning her room, vacuuming the living room and helping clear the table.

My kids have a lot of the bells and whistle toys that many mom's probably don't agree with. With the exception of a cell phone. We don't see the need for one yet. Anyways, with my own she has done this in the past. It's really hard but you do need to ignore the tantrums and stick to your guns. Take away the privileges but don't have a set time for when she gets it back. When they can see the light at the end of the tunnel they (mine anyway) will behave for that set period of time and for awhile after wards but then get back into the old bad habits. I truly do understand how annoying this is and how much you want to throttle them some days because of it. =D

What has worked for our daughter is taking these privileges away and she has to earn them back. I mean really earn them too. She wants to be a lazy butt and not do her chores or throw tantrums still she will not get it back. She has yet to earn her t.v. back and has gotten her computer privileges back but it's still out in the living room and not back in her room yet. It's a slow process and wow did she throw a HUGE fit when we took this stuff out of her room but she's getting better. She's behaving more because we took this stuff once and she earned it back but within a month reverted to her bad behavior so she lost first her t.v. & dvd player, then her computer again.

Mine is on the right path now but she knows it will take longer to earn it back this time since we've already had to do it once. We sat and explained this to her. We don't expect much and that the more she throws fits and fights the longer it will take. (Ex. She wants to go outside with her friends but tries to barter on her chores. Then used to throw fits when we said no do your chores first. In the end because of her tantrum and finally giving in and doing her chores she was out of time to play with her friends.)
For her big stuff she needs to show initiative this time and stick with it, not have us following her around & reminding her to do her chores if she wants her stuff back. She's been doing good for the last little while so hopefully we'll reach a point where we can trust her again and she can have it back. But she knows that she needs to earn that trust back and that these are privileges, not every kid has them and she can live without them if we so choose to take it away permanently.

Oh and as for the friends thing. haha. Every kid tries this line, I remember trying this same line on my parents. If she continues to do so tell her you can call her friends parents and get a list of their chores that they are required to do. She may not believe it and continue to try to say it but it's not hard to pick up the phone and call her friends mom's. I did with my own and she wasn't impressed that I had a list of a few of her friends and the chores they had to do at home the next time she tried saying it. =D lol!

Best of luck and hope some of the ramble I just typed helps. lol!

Oh one last thing. Just something to keep in mind or think about. She may be having these mood swings, tantrums, because of the onset of puberty. My own started showing signs of puberty about 2 months ago and good lord. It might be a factor in how she's reacting but is still no excuse. =)

Angel - posted on 03/18/2009

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Thats just it. My 4yr old is starting to act like her already and I don't want 2 kids constantly yelling all the time! That is why I asked on here hoping some one has advise that will work.



Thanks it nice knowing I'm not the only one whith this issue!

Tracy - posted on 03/18/2009

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i have the same problem with my 9 year old she does good at school but when she is at home she is driving me up the wall the way she talks to me, asking her go bed everything u have said, ive tried everythin takin her tv, her ds, stopping her playin out n all i ask off her is to tidy her room n help now n again with pots. when she is at her dads she doesnt give him any of it n i dont get off my other boys but except it is startin to rub off of on my 5 yr old son i just dont no what to do

Tracy - posted on 03/18/2009

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Quoting Angel:

Behaviors

I have a 9 almost 10 yr old daughter. I am having issues with her behaviors. She has chores that she is suppost to do to have her cell phone. It is a prepaid and if she doesn't do them we don't pay for more minutes every month. She tries to tell me we don't love her and none of her friends have chores.
I don't know what to do as punishment we take her phone her nintendo DS everything except school things because she is a straight A student in GT plays the violin is in the school chior.
She always has her homework done when she comes home.
Her chore is loading the dishwasher and picking up the kitchen- sweeping, and wiping off table and counters. I don't beliee this is to much for her to do for the $50 a month she gets on her phone.
When my step son is here we have the issue of why does he get to stay up later (she stays up later than her sisters every night by an hour) he stays up 30min after them. She will throw a fit until we give in and let her stay up or not do her chores because we just can't listen to her scream anymore. I have tried ignoring her when she screams but she just continues yesterday it was close to 2 hrs before she stopped and I did the chores she was suppost to do.
I don't have this issue with her sister she just does her chores I don't even have to ask.

Any advise would be appreciated!


 

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