Broken family & Desperate for Advice!!!

Quianna - posted on 12/13/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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My daughter's father and I were together for 4yrs and just broke up maybe 3months ago. Earlier this year, we made a decision to relocate to NC because there was a lot of turmoil between him and my family. My main reason for moving was because I wanted him to be happy. I knew he was uncomfortable when we lived with my parents- especially since they didn't get along, so I wanted him to have some time to reconnect with his own family. Well, initially there weren't any problems with his family and myself- but gradually enough issues presented themselves. I started feeling extremely depressed b/c I'm very family oriented, and now I was living all the way in NC while my family was back in Jersey. It was hard- this is my first child- and even though she's 2, there are still things I need my mother's advice about, and things that I like to confide in my mother about- and his mother shut that door on me so to speak. Then things started going sour in our relationship and he stopped even wanting to help me out of my depression. He felt that he's done all he could, and if I "still wanted to be upset and depressed, then that's on me". I love him, always have and always will- but I wasn't happy and I know there's no way for me to be a good mom if I'm miserable. But now I feel stuck- like where do I go from here? We were together for years and now its over. I'm back in Jersey, he's still in NC and we talk on the phone occasionally. I would love to work things out, but how do you know when it's time to just move on? And how do you move on? Any advice or similar stories are greatly appreciated and welcomed!!!

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Crystal - posted on 12/14/2009

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Ur not alone im going thro the same thing it's hard. But it will only make u stronger jus do u.

The difference in men and women in a relationship is from the jump off women give 20% of them selves in the area of feeling responsible for their partner due to the fact were mothers and caregivers by nature. All the while men remain 100% content & responsible to them selves. Now as time goes on pretty soon the women feels 100% responsible for their mate while he is still100% responsible for him selves. & that is why he can make excuses’s on why he can’t help u out & not feel guilty are obligated to help. He needs to understand that your rite it does take two to start a family & it’s not fair that the burden of his responsibilities fall on just you. You deserve someone who realizes they need to give as much as the other person is giving. We can only give so much before we lose are selves and that is where the depression sets in.

I always thought that a strong mind can pull a person out of depression & before I had my son I was always able too, now I understand even the strongest of minds can’t. Something happens to us as women after having a baby & from my experience & talking to others it becomes impossible to fully pull are selves out of the depression all on are own & family is a big part of that process. We need help outside of our selves. One of the things that really helped me was an all woman’s group who didn’t kno each other in the real world so we were able to share are deepest and darkest fears & anxiety’s & all the bad stuff with out feeling ashamed are embarrassed because @ one point are another wuts ever happened to you, any thought you’ve had good are bad, wut ever stage in life ur @ some one, some where is going through it to or have been there and has triumphed. Also play dates with a mothers group. it’s always up lifting to see ur child playing and having fun while you can chat with other mothers!

U might be confused on what actions u want to take rite now & second guessing ur self but kno that u are rite it’s not fair & it takes 2 to be in a relationship & to start a family & u deserve somebody who is going to put the same effort in & realize that your worth it. I think u are a vary strong person from wut actions u have already taken.

This is wut I believe if something is meant to be u can let it go and eventually it will come back to you. It may be a while but if it's truly in the cards it will all work out. And if it's not, take wut u can from it and build on it, to make ur self a better person.

Either way ur child will see wut a strong person u are because change is the hardest thing and for some reason we as humans don’t often make changes for are self to be happy because society has diluted are thinking to feel guilty for having are cake and eating it too.

~Karma

Sophia - posted on 12/13/2009

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well i suggest continue to go on with your life im not saying he doesnt care because i dont know him but to me it seems like he not making any effort to mend what is going on with you two continue to talk to him about you alls child but as far as u holding on i would pray about it and make sure u keep god first becuz he has all the answers and keep yourself busy get into the working enviorment or school and contiune to be a great mom i hope this helps if it is meant to b with him it will b gradually if not you will forget about that erge that makes u feel u need him

Jamie - posted on 12/13/2009

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I think that you both need cousnseling. I mean the things you are speaking of are treatable. But most of all you need to treat yourself.

Quianna - posted on 12/13/2009

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No I wasn't treated for depression, I've just been working through it. It started out with the baby blues. I got over that, but after we moved down south, I got really sad and got to that point in our relationship where I felt something was missing. He wasn't as supportive of me and my goals, and made a lot of excuses as to why he didn't have to do certain things- as far as providing for our family. Like, he started his own business but has no steady income, so I worked 40hrs a week, took care of the baby, got her to school, picked her up, cooked dinner, cleaned- when i could. And he felt that as long as he was working on building his company- he was basically doing his part and that was all he needed to do. I would get upset because I would tell him I need help- and he didn't want to help me- or would at least go through a million different reasons why he shouldn't. So it was just a lot going on, and when he said "it was your problem", I was like whoa I thought we started this family together, why do I feel like I'm in it alone.

Jamie - posted on 12/13/2009

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My question is what did you do for your depression? Were you treated? Cause hes right he can only do so much to help you with your depression, you have to want to help yourself, that could be through therapy or medications. Second, what kept you from phoning your mother to talk and confide in her. Where you guys living alone or with his family because that can also put a strain on a relationship? I cant tell you how to move it, you jsut gotta wake up every morning and put one foot in front of the other for your child. I also suggest getting treatment for your depression, its only gonna get worse not better. Right now you need to worry about fixing you for your childs sake, not for his.

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