cheating (long).

Amber - posted on 11/26/2010 ( 21 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend and I have been together for 2 years next week. A few days ago I thought I was logged onto my email and put my friends name in the search to get her email but he had logged in and not logged out. I ended up finding an email from another woman from right after we officially started dating (an ex I knew nothing about). Now I guess it was an on-line girlfriend from wow a video game he plays online who lives in the midwest and we live on the east coast. They never actually met in person. But I found a message pretty much cyber sex. Things they were saying to each other were dirtier than we have ever said to each other. Now I'm upset to me that is cheating. So I sent him a text telling him what I found and that we needed to talk about it when he gets home. He called me right away and I told him we could break up right then or give me his password bc I would read every single email from the day we got together till today. He gave me the password then told me he knew 2 Carol's. Then after fighting back and forth threw texts he called back and admitted it was only 1 Carol but he was afraid of losing me and my kids. So It's taken me 4 days but I read every single email. That was the only time it happened BUT he told this woman everything about our relationship, my divorce, my kids. He talked to her all hours of the night, for hours at a time about more than me and him even talk about.
Now I'm at the point where I'm just numb. It doesn't hurt anymore but I'm not sure I trust him or even love him anymore. He has since quit the game (if anyone reading this has someone that plays wow you know it's a big deal) he blocked her from his email, and changed his phone number. But before he did I told he he owed her an explanation and read his explanation to her. He pretty much said in order to keep his family all communication between them must stop so good bye. (the kids are mine from a previous relationship). I don't know if I should stay or break up with him. He say's he is sorry, and maybe he is idk.

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I don't know if anyone might agree with me, but I wouldn't dump him over that. If I found out my husband was doing something like that, I would be pissed and I would kick his ass and make him grovel on the floor in front of me, but if he did all that your bf did to placate me and to fix his mistakes, I would eventually forgive him. WoW is just a game and to me, this situation seems like you stumbled upon your man's porn collection. He's not going out and screwing other women and bringing home STDs to you. At least this other woman knows you exist and probably knows how much your man cares about you. If he didn't care about you, why would he have told her anything about you? If he didn't care, he wouldn't have mentioned you at all.

So if I were you, I'd try to calm down and forgive him for this. You can stay pissed until he earns your trust back, but I wouldn't leave him, especially if he's been good to you and the kids.

Rebecca - posted on 11/28/2010

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we all need people to talk to, somethimes its easier to be honest with an internet friend then it is to be with a personal friend as they are not involved in you life therefore have no preconceptions, cyber sex is defiantly crossing the line, i consider cheating to be anything you wouldn't do with your partner watching, however people do get lost and in the ups and downs of relationships i think we all miss the excitment of when things were new and its sometimes easy to take thimgs a little too far, i am not defending him, i have never cheated or been cheated on so its not something i have any personal experience with but i dont think i could ever fully trust again after something like that. its hard because although he did something incrediblely inappropriate i dont think it makes him bad, he just made bad decisions.
i think about it from your side and think i would leave but then i think about me and all that i would loose in my partner if i screwed up (not that i think its likely i would, just that we all use poor judgment at times an make mistakes) and i hope that i'd be given another chance.

Jackie - posted on 11/26/2010

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Irregardless it shouldnt have happened. Had you not accidently saw them how do you know they would have ever ended? SOme people think that its harmless since they dont actually meet but poeple form attachments online. To me theres no difference between online dating sites and doing what he did.
If theres no trust in a relationship then theres nothing.

Kyla - posted on 11/26/2010

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I had a very similar situation happen to me. My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 5 years. We broke up in 2008 for a month and in that time we both were with other people, but we decided we belonged together. Late in November 2008 I found out that I was pregnant with our son, we were thrilled and I thought nothing could come between us. Our son was born August 18, 2009 and I thought we were stronger than ever. In October of 2009 my boyfriend started getting Facebook messages from the girl he was with while we were broken up, I didn't think anything of it. He hadn't responded and I wasn't worried. It wasn't until after Christmas last year that I started reading messages back and forth between them ( I had his passwords) I kept the fact that I knew a secret from him about the passwords and their conversations. Until one day I read that they had been having sex while we were together, and that my boyfriend told her that I wasn't fun anymore and that he wanted to go back to having fun. That was it for me, I told him I knew everything and that if he couldn't explain himself, then he would have to get out, I told him to choose.. her or his family. He couldn't explain so to me that was him choosing her. I packed him up and told him to say goodbye to his son and then threw him out and took his keys, I could NOT live like that anymore.

I'm sorry its a lot of my story.. the point is, we also fought back and forth via text message for the rest of that day, and he finally asked me to meet him where he had walked to, so I did. I loved him and wanted to hear his explanation. And he claimed he was confused and didn't know what he was doing and that losing us was the worst thing that has happened to him.

I took him back and now almost a year later I am still working on trust, and even wondering if I made the right decision. My boyfriend too deleted his facebook account and made a new email. I have the passwords to everything. And even that sometimes isn't enough.. But it is something, and you have to trust your gut and do what you feel is right. But the truth is we never know what the other person is thinking, and I hope he really is sorry. And he should be.

Good luck, and know that you aren't alone. Too many of us have gone through the same thing. The internet is a horrible place for relationships

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21 Comments

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Helena - posted on 08/23/2013

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Hi. Read this Book Not Just Friends by Shirley P Glass. PH.D. Its on Emotional affairs. Your husband had a emotional affair. You can google emotional affairs . Have your husband read this book too. Also try going to a marriage encounter weekend. It will strenghen your marriage a lot. Their website is wwme.org. Another good book is The power of a praying wife by Stormie Omartian. This Book works. If you need a babysitter you can go on care.com Everyone on there has a background check and you can listen to their former employers being interviewed by someone on care.com. Work on communication in your relationship. If your husband is on his phone, ipad or computer late it means he found someone else. There is software that you download on your computer. You can see his emails, text messages, listen to voice mail and phone calls. Hopefully he wont see it in downloads folder. Look up stealth genie. Good Luck. I will be praying for you too.

Tiffany - posted on 08/21/2013

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Going thru a similar situation. They say that's its not actual cheating, but I think that's why the men do it. I wouldn't divorce him just yet, if that's the only downfall in your marriage. Simply pray about it and let god tell you what to do. Just make sure whatever you choose it's the smart decision. Still be hard on him and not give in because he will do it again. I would not talk to him at all for a while and if during that time he decides to do it again. Just know what you need to do. It's going to hurt either way, but be strong.

Tah - posted on 12/06/2010

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WOW...POW...whatever, it may be how he met her, but he has had an affair, i have to respectfully disagree about it being equal to a porn collection. When is the last time any man sat down with jenna J and told her about his wife, their problems and then had personal cyber sex with each other, and doing who knows what while reading them. Who knows how many times he went back to that email to re-live it with her. If you feel the need to talk to another woman about me, then we have a problem, if you have to tell her everything accept my time of the month..big problem...my kids..another problem. That is personal and noone else's business. I don't know what you want to do about this emotional cyber affair he has had, but i call a spade a spade, i hope it works out.

Nikkole - posted on 12/06/2010

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I used to play wow with my husband but i got sick of paying for it! But Alecia your right its not wows fault its just a game you can do this crap on anything chat rooms,regular emails,and other video games!

Alecia - posted on 12/06/2010

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im sry for ur situation....but seriously ppl...its not WoW's fault!! some gamers play halo more than some play WoW...its the act, not the game. Sorry, but i play and love WoW and, of course it can be abused, but it isnt to blame for breaking ppl up....the ppl who cant control themselves do, just like drinkers, gamblers, etc. i say try and work it out bcuz most men wouldnt give u their password, etc. he is doing it bcuz he knows it was wrong and wants to be with u.

Nikkole - posted on 12/06/2010

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yea my husband used to play for hours and hours on that game it DROVE ME NUTS but he ended up quitting after our 2nd baby! But i wouldnt have left my husband over that now if he was OUT really doing what he was writing thats another story! And if he changes serves or whatever and just ignores the girl then i think that would be fine i dont think i would trust him completely for a while but its good you guys are working it out!

Amber - posted on 12/06/2010

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I did give him another chance, and so far everything is going great. He has not even touched his computer except for work stuff. It's weird but I still feel like I completely trust him. And it's even weirder that I'm kind of missing my "me time" on the 3 nights a week he played his game. So for xmas I'm buying him a new game card for 2 months... I feel like if I do really trust him and I do, and he switches the group he plays with then I need to let go and let him play something he loves.

Crystal - posted on 12/04/2010

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Communication is key, and for some reason, some times it’s just easier to talk to a stranger. This is ultimately a decision u will have to make on ur own. Trust is indeed earned! & from wut u said the relationship was never physical!! I read some where once that most cheaters admitted the reason they cheated was not because their physical needs went being met r even the fact that they where un happy just the fact that their emotional needs weren’t being fulfilled. It seems to me or just the filling I get from wut u wrote that he does indeed love u and doesn’t want to lose u. It seems like he made the effort to sho u that and if he continues to prove him self to u, to prove his willingness to sho u he wants to earn ur trust back let him. Usually I am black & white about cheating but for sum reason instead of writing F*** him move on. I want to say give him another chance I think it will be worth it. As long as u can find forgiveness over tyme as long as it’s not to long that it pushes him away! U both just need to make a conscious effort to try to communicate beyond the surface to talk to each other with no judgments, maybe some relationship counseling.. with the children and the gamming do u guys have couple tyme… to cupcake and to keep exploring each other?
Growing up and even till this day the one marriage that I admired and kind of set my standards to I found out that the husband had cheated with a family friend and I was blown away. She decided to forgive him and move on. And apparently it was worth the chance 20yrs later they have had an amazing lyfe and he worships the ground she walks on they r so happy and humble and romantic..it makes me think may be 2nd chances r worth it!! I dnt kno if im that secure of a woman r that forgiving but non-the less it makes me think twice about 2 chances…

Kathleen - posted on 11/28/2010

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you know what.. he gave you his password he ended it with her and he told you how much he wanted you and the kids.. almost the same thing happened with me i went thro emails, myspace and facebook.. thro the emails i found dating sites and the stuff i read shocked me so much!! i coudlnt believe what i was reading!! there were messages to girls days before i went into labor saying how he wanted to leave me how he hated me and how ive ruiened his life by keeping his child.. anyways when i confronted him he went off his face at me.. i didnt want to lose him i was to scared so i pretended i didnt care.. and we stayed together and what would you know he leaves me 2 months into pregnancy with second child for a 18 year old skank go figure. i was heart broken.. still am.. even tho it was over a year ago.. and you know what the fucked thing is all i ever wanted to hear from him is that he was sorry that it was a mistake that he really wanted me. but instead i got treated like a piece of shit. if he really does want to be with you and admitted to it etc.. maybe its worth giving him another chance.. he wasnt having sex with her only talking to her online.

Heather - posted on 11/28/2010

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I had a conversation at work with a bunch of boys about emotional cheating. I was amazed at the number of people (some girls, too) that didn't consider emotional cheating to be as bad as actually having sex with someone.
I don't have experience personally with many wow players, but from what I have heard they can lose their grip on reality while playing that game. I have heard of people spending days on the computer without getting up even to eat or use the bathroom. There are players that buy each other gifts on wow rather than in real life, don't consider themselves married until they have their wow wedding, and have funerals for their friends on it.
If your boyfriend cut off contact with her, deleted everything and stopped playing wow, I would say he has so far done everything in his power to try and make things work. I would be willing to at least try and make it work from my end.

Sarh - posted on 11/28/2010

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I as well would consider that cheating. I personally would stay, especially after going through all of the e-mails right away before he had a chance to go through them. I do know about WOW and I'm very thankful that my fiancee does not play that, he is just a hardcore video gamer (which is still pretty bad). If he has quit playing WOW to keep you and the kids then he is truly sorry!!! I've seen other posts from you and comments you have left on other mom's posts and he seems to be really in tune w/you and your children. If I am not mistaken one of your children has Autism correct? And I believe you mentioned that your other child also has some things going on where they need the extra love and attention.
Maybe sit down w/him and w/out fighting just talk about each others pasts?! My fiancee and I have done so for the last almost 2yrs (our entire relationship). We have no secrets hidden from each other and I had a wild past, but my fiancee still trusts me as I was able to tell him these things.

Amanda - posted on 11/27/2010

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I had a similar situation but the difference is I am married so I was fighting to stay together. I would say...sit down with him and have him give you all emails and passwords, any online accounts as well. Go through them if you wish to check on him. And if all is good, give him another chance. What he did for you with this email, changing phone number, etc. means something. He loves you and doesn't want to lose you. So, give him another chance.

Stifler's - posted on 11/27/2010

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there's nothing wrong with having online friends of the opposite sex and telling them things. it's the cybersex that is crossing the line between friends and online lovers. if you don't trust him after that then that's not a good sign and it will either take a long time to rebuild or you will end up breaking up because it will come back up every time a problem arises.

Chrystal - posted on 11/27/2010

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Honestly if it were me, I would probably not stay with him. Me and husband have been together for 6 years now, and I told him the only reason I would ever divorce him is if he cheated on me, b/c all the trust would be gone or if he ever hit me. Abuse is a big NO NO! Other than that vowels are very important to me. For better or for worse. I hope you figure what to do and be happy with your decision:)

Rita M. - posted on 11/26/2010

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well if he was a real WoW hardcore player then im sure its safe to say he really loves you and your children, i know plenty of guys like that, and their still not willing to do something like that. you read what he sent her, if it were serious he wouldn't have, and kept on lieing, but he didn't.
. This person who's opinion doesnt really matter thinks you could give him another chance, letting him know that he is now dangling on a thin line, and before he should do anything else to think about what he does real hard, for your kids and your sake.
and if you feel you really can never really ever trust him again, end it now before it is to late, think about you, and your childrens feelings.
hope everything works out great for you!

Brandi - posted on 11/26/2010

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I understand what can happen between people that play WoW. My ex played WoW for 18 hours straight every day. Even though he never communicated with any girls outside of the game, sometimes what they said IN game was a little much.

I understand your hurt and not being sure if you can trust him. However, he gave you his password. He blocked her and changed his phone number. That shows to me that he is trying to keep your family together. When my boyfriend and I got together he gave me the password to all of his e-mails and facebook and told me to feel free to read ALL of his messages. He also told me if I had any questions about anything just to ask him. He even went as far as to tell me I could go through ALL of his yahoo im's that he had saved on his laptop. These were e-mails, facebook messages and IM's that he had LONG before him and I ever met. So, him doing that proved to me that he didn't want secrets or for me to wonder if he was doing anything wrong. (I told him from the get go that I had trust issues because of being lied to and cheated on in previous relationships...That's why he felt the need to do all of that.)

I know how hard it is to regain that trust after you feel like you've been cheated on. I, too, would consider it cheating. However, I think if he's being genuine in giving you his password and changing his phone number -- you should give him another chance. It's hard, honey, I know. Everybody makes mistakes and maybe he has learned from it. I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do. *hugs*

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