Daddy troubles

Samantha - posted on 05/01/2009 ( 9 moms have responded )

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Anyone have trouble with their hubby's/bf's, etc ? We have been together for over 3 1/2 years and married 1 1/2 years...we used to get along great and be very much in love...I started having troubles with him during my pregnancy when I started having complications and definitely when I was put on bedrest, he would just act like a jerk, refuse to help me and expect me to wait on him hand and foot still. He hasn't been much better since I've had my son and we've been home. He acts passive aggressive to me all the time, we argue and fight, I feel that he's verbally abusive at times and he definitely isn't a helper wiht our child (most of the time I don't even feel supported) and I do everything on my own. He'll offer to help and hold him so that I can go and cook dinner because he doesn't want to, but then I'm having to rush back in to the room 20 minutes later because my son is screaming and he is doing nothing but watching tv, or I find him just trying to shove a nook in hismouth instead of changing his diaper or seeing if he's hungry...and if I ask if he wants help he yells at me. i don't know what to do anymore, all I feel like doing is crying or taking my child and leaving. I used to love this man wiht all of my heart and now I often wonder if I hate him. has anyone else had this problem?

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Christie - posted on 05/02/2009

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Quoting Stephanie:

Thanks!
Ya sadly my guy is a closed book, always has been always will be. He's one of thos keep it to yourself kind of guys. He would rather hurt then hurt someone eles, but what he never gets is that by not talking to me i suffer because i have no idea whats goin on with him so it makes me miserable. I try to talk to him all the time an i'll admit it usually doesnt go very good. he will usually egt upset an act as tho im attacking him OR he plays games with my head an makes me feel gulity for even saying anything to him or for having hurt feelings. Its very fustrating! I want nothing more then to make it work an i have brought up a couples counseling or workshop but he says he doesn't want people although strangers knowing our problems. I feel like im running out of options.


 



Perhaps you need to let him know that if he can't set his pride aside for the good of your relationship then he doesn't deserve you and he WILL lose you. You have to be strong for both you and your child and I wish you good luck. I know what you mean about the games, I hate those too. I hope it helps to know you are not alone in this and also that you can get through it as I have.

Jenner - posted on 05/02/2009

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OMG! i'm was still here dowing in my own kind of "personal hell" and reading u guys post has made me cry, i thought it was just me, or just us infact. i have been with ma man for going on 6 yrs and engeged for 4, we always wanted a long engegment and then when i fell preg with our first child, it just kinda went onto the back burner and became not as important anymore.nodays i am just so angry and frustarted, all we ever do if fight and say mean things to each other, and just have no idea wat to do, i feel so lost and alone.. wat happened to the man that i once loved so much? i have no idea wat went wrong or where to start to fix things, my head thinks maybe it was cos we were so young and maybe jumped into things to early, but then my heart knows that the man i love so much is still in there somewhere he can't have just vanished, wat we once felt can't simple just be gone.... can it?

Stephanie - posted on 05/01/2009

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Thanks!

Ya sadly my guy is a closed book, always has been always will be. He's one of thos keep it to yourself kind of guys. He would rather hurt then hurt someone eles, but what he never gets is that by not talking to me i suffer because i have no idea whats goin on with him so it makes me miserable. I try to talk to him all the time an i'll admit it usually doesnt go very good. he will usually egt upset an act as tho im attacking him OR he plays games with my head an makes me feel gulity for even saying anything to him or for having hurt feelings. Its very fustrating! I want nothing more then to make it work an i have brought up a couples counseling or workshop but he says he doesn't want people although strangers knowing our problems. I feel like im running out of options.

Carmin - posted on 05/01/2009

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Hello Samantha and Stephanie, This is the exact topic I wanted to talk about when joining this circle. My case may be a bit more complicated. It is very similar to yours. I had a c-section and also postpartum depression. I was feeling horrible and I felt like he did not do things right and I was very emotional with him and angry. I found out later after things started getting better that he was text messaging his other baby mama.... and we talked about it. Well make long story short it was a very confusing period for both of us and thank God that nothing but a text msg happen. But my one advice I would give to everyone in these threads is COMMUNICATION. It is so important to let them know exactly how you feel and have them do the same. If they are real men, they will let you know. And ladies we may be emotional but if I have learned anything about a man I know that they are emotional wrecks waiting to blow. I hate seeing so many single parents that haven't even tried to communicate. I've heard about couple workshops.... whether fighting or doing great, they are great to go to also. I'm trying to push mine into that.

Sara - posted on 05/01/2009

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Mines not as bad but that may be because I have a very large family support system. I'm constantly feeling like he doesn't offer to help and treats me as an inferior because I'm a SAHM. He also gets verbally abusive and degrading. I've thought many times of kicking him out, mainly because of his attitude towards me and his apparent inability to spend time with his family. Sorry this isn't helpful but I thought I'd let you know there's lots of us out there.

Stephanie - posted on 05/01/2009

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So thanks for the tip christie about doin his things. I tried tonight to get him to let me do his favorite things. i even asked him to teach me to play a game that he always plays that he usually bugs me to play but he didn't even bite. Just said no im tired. i worried theres nothing left to do. i think its bad sign when things that use to make you fight just don't seem to bother you ne more. :(

Christie - posted on 05/01/2009

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Hi, Stephanie. I am sorry to hear you are having such difficulty too. Maybe instead of "romantic" together time you need to try to do something that interests him. I also got pregnant right after getting engaged, only we moved the wedding up rather than pushing it back. I had a really difficult labour and delivery resulting in a c-section and suffered from PPD. I felt my husband was being really insensitive spending so much time on the computer or playing video games and staying at work longer rather than coming home to help me with the baby. It felt like he was avoiding us and my PPD just made it worse. So I started trying to participate in things that interested him, like watching him play his games and suggesting things and playing dungeons and dragons with him and his friends. He started spending more time at home and it brought us closer together as our interests began to merge. He still had trouble showing affection with my son for a long time and I think it is because my son was unplanned and ruined his ideas of our first few years together. After the birth of my second child he finally got close to our oldest because I was unable to care for him after my c-section, so he was forced to. They now play and laugh together all the time, it just took a little real father/son time without me for them to bond.

Stephanie - posted on 05/01/2009

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Im dealing with the exact same thing!! Ive been with my guy one month shy of 4 years, an we just got engaged last year but thankfully put it off because i got pregnant!! Everyday i feel soo hurt an alone! My guy use to come home from work give me a big warm loving hug an kiss, told me how much he missed me, then would quickly go shower so he could come snuggle with me! NOW, he comes home says nothing but HI, says hi to our 2month old baby boy, then sits on the computer for an hour, i ask if he wants to hold our son dylan but says he can't becuz he's to dirty ( he works out in the bush) everyday he seems to sit for longer periods of time dirty just to avoid holding our son. everyday feels as tho its getting worse an worse, ive tried to talk to him about how i feel but theres just no interest. Whe i use to question his love he would put up such a big fight to prove he still loved me, but now, all he says is ya i do your being stupide than thats that. I feel like im losing my best friend, he was the love of my life an now i can't look at him without wanting to cry. My hearts broken an i don't know wut 2 do ne more. Christie had a good opinion about trying to spend time alone together an i hope that helps for you but for us it did nothing. We tried going for dinner, taking long drives, romantic bubble baths, but each time i feel like it was just a pain for him to be around me! Sorry im not really being any help, just i know some other moms who are going through the same things an it helps abit to know im not alone!

Christie - posted on 05/01/2009

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Have you had any time to yourselves since the birth of your child? It may be that he is having difficulty sharing you, especially since you have not been married that long. I know it seems ridiculous to think of him as a jealous sibling, but some men seem to want you all to themselves and when a child comes into the picture it is hard to cope and they may seem insensitive because of it. I have certainly felt it with my husband on more than one occasion. He may also seem like he's not helping because he is not sure of himself around your baby. You have to remember that he is new at this too and he might need your support just as much as you need his. He is probably trying to keep things the way they were because he is having trouble with the change. The best thing you can do is take some time to yourselves, tell him how you feel and try to see things from his point of view.

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