dead beat farthers

Tamika - posted on 06/18/2009 ( 23 moms have responded )

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My 8 year old sons father has not been around his entie life span. Last year he shows up only to start disappearing acts. How do I stop him or at least protect my sons emotional state?

23 Comments

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Laura - posted on 06/20/2009

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My heart goes out to you and your son, my ex (we have 2 children) dragged me thru court for 2 yrs had indirect contact with them (he was violent so has to do an anti viloence course) then dropped it when he changed girlfriends! he hasn't seen his children for nearly 4 years, what I do with my 2 is be as honest as possible without upsetting them, make it clear that I have no problem with them finding their dad when hes older, and try not to badmouth him as I dont want them to feel like theyre tainted as he is 50% of their DNA keep record of any missed visits maybe, and take it to court if need be, but your son is lucky to have you so be proud of what u achieved!

Magan - posted on 06/20/2009

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Man i wish i knew the answer to that one too. My son is 6 and i've dealt with the same thing. His father lives outta state and finally showed up on his 6th birthday after not seein him for 2yrs. He wanted to take him home with him and i told him there was no way since he hadn't seen him in so long. The only thing i really remember the judge sayin to me is if the father wants visitation rights it has to be worked back into the childs life. Cuz to the child the father is now a stranger

Regina - posted on 06/20/2009

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I always try to tell my son what's going on and keep record of everything so he knows...How are kids supposed to make decision about their fathers if they don't know? I don't speak with any biase...Just tell him thefacts and when dad doen't follow thru we do something special jjust us! His dad was supposed to take hiom for my birthday 2 years ago...Told him of all the things they were going to do while he was with his da...and the man Never showed! I had all sorts of Other plans but we took off to the Tampa Zoo in the heat so we could make up for what my son was missing and had hoped for....My son now knows not to get too excited...He says he hopes daddy comes/calls.....? It's really a catch 22 either way!

Tamika - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Sabrina:

when your ex calls and says he will do something just dont tell your son about it. and when he shows up just acted surprise to keep your son from feeling guilty. like with the phone call he missed that you had mentioned. my cousin had started doing that with her two little ones because she got tired of them getting upset that daddy didnt show. so she just wouldnt mention it and if he showed then thye would get to visit but if he didnt they wouldnt know any better. but i do also agree that yu not lieing when he asks questions is true and its good tha tyou are open with him about things. just let the future arrangemnets stay a secret until they happen. like they say what you dont know cant hurt you.



Thats is exactly what i did. The first phone call that never happened was last year, I said nothing cuz I kewn it would not happen. The second call to not happen was April 3, I said nothing that time. I spoke to him breifly on 6 of april, thats when he arranged weekly emails and scheduled  May's phone call, my son overheard the conversation( noise evesdropping children) so when I got off the phone he asked me. I dont believe in lieing to children so I told him what was going on. I said mommy spoke to your father and he said he will call you some time in May. He asked when I said he did not say, so dont get your hopes up. 

Sabrina - posted on 06/19/2009

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when your ex calls and says he will do something just dont tell your son about it. and when he shows up just acted surprise to keep your son from feeling guilty. like with the phone call he missed that you had mentioned. my cousin had started doing that with her two little ones because she got tired of them getting upset that daddy didnt show. so she just wouldnt mention it and if he showed then thye would get to visit but if he didnt they wouldnt know any better. but i do also agree that yu not lieing when he asks questions is true and its good tha tyou are open with him about things. just let the future arrangemnets stay a secret until they happen. like they say what you dont know cant hurt you.

Tamika - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Regina:



Quoting Saroya:

Take him 2 court try 2 make him sign his rights away maybe he will wake up and smell the coffee. But if u don't wanna go there wait until u'r child is older he's not gonna be beat 4 him anyway.Trust me children do no who the dead beat is exspecially boys lol





I most states signing right away is only easy when there is someone else to take the responsibility...Like a husband that wishes to adopt said child, or your parents/grandparents wishing to raise said child....Just what I have seen...






I dont care what state your in I think any jundge would strip my sons sperm donors rights. The last time he saw his son he was 6 months, and it was by accident. He has been in and out of jail for the last 9 years. I'm not sure if I should have it done though. This is a catch 22.

Regina - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Saroya:

Take him 2 court try 2 make him sign his rights away maybe he will wake up and smell the coffee. But if u don't wanna go there wait until u'r child is older he's not gonna be beat 4 him anyway.Trust me children do no who the dead beat is exspecially boys lol


I most states signing right away is only easy when there is someone else to take the responsibility...Like a husband that wishes to adopt said child, or your parents/grandparents wishing to raise said child....Just what I have seen...

Toni - posted on 06/19/2009

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if he doesnt cherish the life youve made for your son, then he doesnt deserve to be in it. good luck, i hope whatever happens it best benefits you and your son.

Tamika - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Anita:

my ex left me 2 days after finding out I was pregnant by moving from Michigan to Florida. Since then I have married a wonderful guy. Also I have told my daughter since she was 3 that she has two dads. She took it very well. She has seen my ex on to different times now that she's 5 1/2 and I don't get finanical help from him.
I want her to make up her on opinion about him but I'm not going to lie about what happened between me and my ex and why he left. I kept everything so if one day she wanted to find out about him she could. Also his mother has been wonderful and kept in contact with me and my daughter, sending her birthday and Christmas gifts - so even though my ex hasn't stepped up, my daughter is surrounded with other family members who love her.
I agree with many of the mothers on here about bad mouthing his dad cuz you son will probably take it personally since that is his dad. All you can do is explain that as an adult people make choices and sometimes they are not good ones. Also since you're son is 8, I would maybe tell him that he can speak his mind and if he doesn't want his dad to drop it out of the blue who knows when, then he should voice it to his dad when his dad pops up. He has a say in it too since it affects him. This might enpower him and give your son self confindence that he is important and can let you know what he feels and thinkings - something you can enstill in him for when he's older. Lastly, when it comes to seting up a time to meet and him not showing - I had that happen to me with a family member many of times and I was left with a real upset daughter crying. I stopped telling my daughter the plans so if they didn't go through she wasn't sad and emotionally effected by the no-show and if they did she was pleasantly surprised and happy for that short time. Good luck


Read the rest of my posts to fully understand the sittuation.

Elissa - posted on 06/19/2009

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Chances are if he's in and out of so much trouble, no judge is going to give him alone time with his son. So unless he cleans up his act, you should be in control. The only way you can terminate his rights is to have someone to replace him ie...a husband who is financially stable, or in my case...I signed away my rights so that my parents could adopt them. I know this sounds crazy, but it's strictly on paper. My twins still call me mommy and my parents grandma and grandpa. The criteria that our judge used to terminate their dad's right was....he wasn't there as much as he should have been (and he was there more than ure man), he didn't contribute financially, and i'm sure your ex's record would just be another factor. Hope this helps...

[deleted account]

my ex left me 2 days after finding out I was pregnant by moving from Michigan to Florida. Since then I have married a wonderful guy. Also I have told my daughter since she was 3 that she has two dads. She took it very well. She has seen my ex on to different times now that she's 5 1/2 and I don't get finanical help from him.

I want her to make up her on opinion about him but I'm not going to lie about what happened between me and my ex and why he left. I kept everything so if one day she wanted to find out about him she could. Also his mother has been wonderful and kept in contact with me and my daughter, sending her birthday and Christmas gifts - so even though my ex hasn't stepped up, my daughter is surrounded with other family members who love her.

I agree with many of the mothers on here about bad mouthing his dad cuz you son will probably take it personally since that is his dad. All you can do is explain that as an adult people make choices and sometimes they are not good ones. Also since you're son is 8, I would maybe tell him that he can speak his mind and if he doesn't want his dad to drop it out of the blue who knows when, then he should voice it to his dad when his dad pops up. He has a say in it too since it affects him. This might enpower him and give your son self confindence that he is important and can let you know what he feels and thinkings - something you can enstill in him for when he's older. Lastly, when it comes to seting up a time to meet and him not showing - I had that happen to me with a family member many of times and I was left with a real upset daughter crying. I stopped telling my daughter the plans so if they didn't go through she wasn't sad and emotionally effected by the no-show and if they did she was pleasantly surprised and happy for that short time. Good luck!

Tamika - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Holly:

Yes i agree take him to court and start keeping a note book for every time he calls or when he picks him up and says well on this day i will pick u up and we will go here ,make sure yu keep record of it all !and if worse comes to worse have your son testifie that he dont really know or what ever but DO NOT COACH him cause the judge will know by how your son answers !best of luck




They have not offically meet yet. My is now 8 years old. He was 6 months old the last time his father saw him, and that was an accident. We bumped into each other in the mall. He cant even show up for the first phone call, that he arranges.

Tamika - posted on 06/19/2009

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Quoting Erica:

Wow,tears have just formed in my eyes because those words are words that I hate to hear come out of my sons mouth. My son is 5 and will be 6 in aug. and his dad just came around in sept. of 2008. He tok me to court and the judge awarded him joint custody. Now my baby is wondering why he has to go over there when he dont want to and there is nothing i can do until after aug. or i will go to jail. I too, know how it feels to be unwanted and it SUCKS, but we as women have to be the bigger person. Our sons look for qualities in women that relate to us as their mother. You are doing the right thing by not bad talking his dad and answering his question truthfully. That is how you allow reality to hit him so he will know that you are not the reason for all of this. Hiding information from him is the wrong thing to do, so keep anwering the questions as hard as it may be, and now that i know that you have tried to allow him to have contact there is really nothing else you can do because it is no longer on your shoulders. It is all up to him to do what is right. The fact that hid step dad has been there for the last 3 year has put an impression on your son as to what a REAL man does for his children that he say he loves. God has given us the awsome responsibilty of protecting HIS children and you keep doing the best you can and strive to be pleasing in HIS eyes and nothing else matters.



His father is in and out of jail, so I cant risk shareing custody with him. So just doing nothing seems to be the best thing to do. Its just a matter of how long before he makes contact again. Thanks for the words of wisdom. Its good to know Im not alone in this, although none of us should be dealing this. 

Holly - posted on 06/19/2009

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Yes i agree take him to court and start keeping a note book for every time he calls or when he picks him up and says well on this day i will pick u up and we will go here ,make sure yu keep record of it all !and if worse comes to worse have your son testifie that he dont really know or what ever but DO NOT COACH him cause the judge will know by how your son answers !best of luck

Erica - posted on 06/18/2009

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Wow,tears have just formed in my eyes because those words are words that I hate to hear come out of my sons mouth. My son is 5 and will be 6 in aug. and his dad just came around in sept. of 2008. He tok me to court and the judge awarded him joint custody. Now my baby is wondering why he has to go over there when he dont want to and there is nothing i can do until after aug. or i will go to jail. I too, know how it feels to be unwanted and it SUCKS, but we as women have to be the bigger person. Our sons look for qualities in women that relate to us as their mother. You are doing the right thing by not bad talking his dad and answering his question truthfully. That is how you allow reality to hit him so he will know that you are not the reason for all of this. Hiding information from him is the wrong thing to do, so keep anwering the questions as hard as it may be, and now that i know that you have tried to allow him to have contact there is really nothing else you can do because it is no longer on your shoulders. It is all up to him to do what is right. The fact that hid step dad has been there for the last 3 year has put an impression on your son as to what a REAL man does for his children that he say he loves. God has given us the awsome responsibilty of protecting HIS children and you keep doing the best you can and strive to be pleasing in HIS eyes and nothing else matters.

Tamika - posted on 06/18/2009

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Quoting Erica:

As mothers we live to protect our children, but speaking from experience we have to allow them to be slapped by reality at an early age so that when they get older it will be a little easier to deal with. In this case make sure that your baby know that you love him and that he understands that what is going on is not his fault. Allowing him to see for himself the disappearing acts that are going on will not set up resentment in his heart for you. You dont want him to think that you are the reason why things are the way they are because those dead beats have a way of lying when things are going good for the children to try to get themselves off of the hook.


The problem is, my son has never met his father, becasue he left before my son could hold his head up. Now that he is 8 and has had a step bad for the last 3 years of his life. I feel like allowing His father to all of a sudden come in and introduce himself to disappear untill he wants to say hi again is pointless. He has had three chanses, let me rephrase.  He has set up three different chances to speak to his son for the first time since he was 2 weeks old, and stood him up all three times. R u telling me I should let this continue to avoid my son hating for protecting him from this. If so I will take that chance. I know what if feels like to feel unworhy and unwanted, and if I can protect him from that I wil, because that is a scar that never goes away and it effects all other life relationships. I dont talk about his father and whatever questions he has(not many) I anwser him honestly.  The first two times he was supposed to called I didnt tell my son because I knew what would happen. The third time my son found out about the May 3 phone date.  On the 31 of may my son looked at me with tears in his eyes and asked, why didnt he call me mommy?, does he like me mommy? is he mad at me mommy? can you make him call me mommy? I have always wish him the best untill that day.

Shawna - posted on 06/18/2009

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Ladies.....read this book: Dump that Chump! by Dr Debra Mandel....it was awesome, HUGE HELP!

Erica - posted on 06/18/2009

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As mothers we live to protect our children, but speaking from experience we have to allow them to be slapped by reality at an early age so that when they get older it will be a little easier to deal with. In this case make sure that your baby know that you love him and that he understands that what is going on is not his fault. Allowing him to see for himself the disappearing acts that are going on will not set up resentment in his heart for you. You dont want him to think that you are the reason why things are the way they are because those dead beats have a way of lying when things are going good for the children to try to get themselves off of the hook.

Tamika - posted on 06/18/2009

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Quoting Elissa:

I had my twins' dad's parental rights terminated...if that's not possible, your child is old enough to start forming some of their own opinions of their father. In a protected environment, let him be around and let your child figure out he's worthless for themself.


I would love to know how you had hidh rights terminated. He got me pregnant to trap me, and it didnt work but he has not seen his son since he was 6 months old. He contacted me lasted and I agerred he could call once a month and he could not do that. In april he send me a friend request on myspace(denied). He arreanged monthly phone calls and weekly e mails. We got one e mail. Did I mention he has been in and out of court for assualt, drugs, and theft since 3 months before my son was born to april of this year. How did you do it?

Saroya - posted on 06/18/2009

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@ Elissa that is so true u'r kids will figure out about a worthless man and they learn quick

Elissa - posted on 06/18/2009

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I had my twins' dad's parental rights terminated...if that's not possible, your child is old enough to start forming some of their own opinions of their father. In a protected environment, let him be around and let your child figure out he's worthless for themself.

Saroya - posted on 06/18/2009

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Take him 2 court try 2 make him sign his rights away maybe he will wake up and smell the coffee. But if u don't wanna go there wait until u'r child is older he's not gonna be beat 4 him anyway.Trust me children do no who the dead beat is exspecially boys lol

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