depressed over son's new wife not allowing me to see grandbaby

Cindy - posted on 07/31/2013 ( 3 moms have responded )

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If my life wasnt in a turmoil all ready.. my son having 3 suicide attempts in 2011 and losing his 1st wife because she was ashamed of him being bipolar and bpd he marries again in Dec 2012 my new grandbaby was born March 23rd I have yet to see her my son finally has his bipolar under control and i do not want to risk him going of the deep end so i keep my mouth shut.. his new wife refuses to let me talk to my son or see the baby because I baby him too much. She wasnt there the 3 times he was in ICU or in the psychiatric ward.. I was.. i am so happy he is doing ok but am i asking too much to want to be in my grandbabies life? my son is 25 and she is 20 and an only chlid i talk to him on facebook and in february i sent him $300 for the baby and she never even said thank you for buying the crib.. I need to focus on my daughter who has downs syndrome and fixing to be a SR in high school but she is as crushed as i am because my kids have such a dynamic bond and only getting to talk to her broyer (brother) on fb is really hurting her too.. any suggestions on how to handle this?

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Lauren - posted on 08/05/2013

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As a mom who has dealt with trying to set boundaries with a mother-in-law, I can understand wanting others to follow your rules. However, I've had some very difficult times with my MIL (who still doesn't listen on many occasions), but I will do everything in my power to avoid having to eliminate contact between my kids and their grandparents ... so I completely understand your feelings.

I would certainly continue to remain in contact with your son and express how much you'd love to spend time with them and the baby--whether with all of them or if they'd like some time to do other things with you babysitting. I would also reach out to your daughter-in-law. Make it very clear that you understand she is the mother, and you respect that and her rules--and then follow through on that with your actions. Be supportive of her trying to be a good mom and when you do get to be around them (hopefully soon), ask her if there are certain ways she does things or wants you to do things. As hard as I know this will be, I also know it may make her feel less threatened. Sometimes I feel like my MIL forgets it's our child and not hers, so the more you can seem to be a supportive grandparents rather than another parent, the better. Ask before you buy a gift or treat to show you support their rules, and when they do set parameters, try to show you are respecting that. You shouldn't have to feel like you're walking on eggshells, but this may at least be a way in to spend time with your family. And hopefully, once the mom realizes you will respect her, she'll be more flexible in letting you see the baby.

Let me know if you want to chat more and hang in there!

Gena - posted on 08/05/2013

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It shouldnt be to hard to atleast say thank you.I would be very upset.Have you tried to talk to the mother?You could tell her that you wont baby him to much and that you would be very happy if you could atleast see your grandchild.How does he cope with it?Would he like you to see the baby? I hope all goes well and that they give you the chance to be a grandma.

Chet - posted on 07/31/2013

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I'm really sorry. This sounds like a terrible situation to have to deal with. Hopefully your son will come around in time. Health issues, a new wife and a new baby really are a huge amount for him to cope with. It won't help you son to get a lot of pressure from you about seeing the baby or wanting a thank you. I think he'll just feel stuck between his mom and his wife. I would continue to talk to him on facebook, and to be as supportive and interested in his life as you can be there. Focus on your daughter, try not to become bitter over this, and hopefully your son will come around eventually. It sounds like you will be a wonderful grandma when you get the chance.

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