desperately need advice. dont know what to do.

Karrissa - posted on 09/17/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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my husband an i have been seperated for 2yrs. then in july we decided to try it again. everything was great then he started complaining of Jason my 2yrs crying. which sometimes he does cry alot. then he started calling him a cry baby and then a bitch. i forbid him to ever say it again. and he didnt. then one night jason woke up crying and instead of my husband trying to help me figure out what was wrong he slaps him really hard in the mouth and it makes him fall backward on the bed. so we left. My husband has said he was sorry and he didnt mean to and he even signed up for counceling. my question is should i allow him to be around our kids since he has signed up for the counceling? and if so should we live together again? i love him and i love my kids and i want to do what is best for them. what do i need to do???

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Jamie - posted on 09/17/2009

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I wouldnt leave him alone with the kids. And probably only allow day time supervision. But no I wouldnt go back to him until he completes counseling.

Kym - posted on 09/17/2009

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I have to say Karrissa, as i dont know what it is like to have my husband hit our son, but i do know what it is like to have been hit by my dad. It is not fun nor good for your health. After years of it, i left home at 15. I am just now starting to rebuild my relationship with my father after 12+years. It sucked growing up without my dad there but the abuse scard me for life. I will never forget the abuse i went through. Your son will not forget it that his dad hit(s) him and he will resent him for it, or worse think its ok for him to do the same with his kids. all kids cry and whine. they are KIDS.. its expected. your son needs a better role model as how to grow up a man. Couseling may work for your husband, but i still hear i'm sorry from my dad yet it continued for years. Good luck and make sure your kids stay safe. It will effect them in the long run.

Sarah - posted on 09/17/2009

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abuse comes in many forms...ive been there myself both being the child of an abuser and being married to one (the visious cycle)..anyways i know you say you love your husband very much but is part of that love due to your thoughts on "keeping the family together" or "making a marrige work"...just a few things for you to think about also if you can i know its really hard but try looking at your situation from the outside in and see what you would say to yourself seeing whats going on...in my own situation i lived with my father most of my chilhood and i can tell you now it wasnt a good thing at all..it started when i was too young, i was hospitalised when i was 5 from being beaten lucky i cant remember it(i found out thru freedom of info).and the abuse got worse and worse i do remember quite clearly being put thru a plaster wall and having a hammer thrown at my head...kids always remember violance and it dose damage their self esteem and self worth it destroys their ability to make good choices when it comes to making friend and finding a partner....i found my husband and thought he was great untill i moved to qld with him we were living with his mum who he treated like shit aswell,dead give away....anyways it all started with yelling and name calling and put downs then developed into pressure to have sex with him when he wanted...he used to smash the house up when he got angry and then but he never hit the kids thank god but the realisation that i was doing the wrong thing by accepting this relationship came to me when i attended my cousins funeral and came home to find my best friends clothes next to my bed....that was the last straw for me so i told him to leave and got the police to help me....the next night he returned and tried to come back in the house i wouldnt let him and he threw large garden rocks thru every window of the house with me and the kids inside!....time went on and after not seeing him for a few years he contacted me and asked to see the kids he had a new gf and i thought he had changed so i allowed him to see them very very stupi move on my behalf.... i came to find out this year that he was sexually abusing my daughter....we are all going thru massive changes right now couceling and court aswell as relocation and stuff so i beg you pease be very careful and put your childrens best intrests first and you will never do the wrong thing.....much love x x x x

Valerie - posted on 09/17/2009

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I commend you for protecting your children! It is very good that your husband is in counseling. I would let him visit the kids supervised, but not just by you. Make sure you and one of your parents or a friend is there. And do not move back in with him til his therapist recommends it AND he has completed and anger management AND parenting class. He could definitely be a good father, it sounds like he gets very frustrated and can't control it. But I think he needs more than just counseling. I think specific classes on parenting and anger could really help him. Just don't move in with him til he's completed them and make sure his therapist or counselor says he's ready. Good luck to you guys and you're doing a good job! Stay the course!

Alana - posted on 09/17/2009

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wow. what a situation.

i was in an abusive relationship for many years and to tell you the truth...with mine...it didnt end...we went to counceling together and he even went by himself sometimes. in my history...it doesnt stop. calling ur kids that is not only hard for you to hear...but isnt healthy at all for ur babies. i could not applaud you more for leaving him when you did...but i should warn you once more...it probably wont end. what could of course happen next could be worse than just slapping him in the face and making him fall backwards. my ex broke my arm becuz of abuse..and that was after all sorts of mental health help.

i hope you figure out what to do. i wish you the best of luck...but please do what you think is right for ur kids. you can always find a good man who wont treat you like that...or ur babies. he obviously isnt that great of a man.

one more thing i would say is...its a learned behavior most of the time...so keep this in mind...if youre kids grow up thinking thats ok and its normal...most likely they will do it to thier family and kids. its NEVER ok to abuse...in any way shape or form!

Olivia - posted on 09/17/2009

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Karrissa I am so sorry you are in this situation. Kudos to you for leaving. It must be so hard to leave your husband who you love and you did it to protect your child. You go girl!



As for what your husband did, I am sure he meant it when he said he was sorry and didn't mean it. I hate to say it, but that proves that he is not in control of his emotions. Every parent knows that kids will always push buttons and ignite frustration. But a good parent must be in control. What happens if your husband gets really angry and smashes your childs head against the wall next time? Or if he breaks his bones or G-d forbid kills him?! As a mother, are you willing to take that risk in order to be with your husband?



I do however commend your husband for acknowleding his problem and seeking help. But couseling isn't magic and can't guarantee to fix everything. Nevertheless it is a step in he right direction and its great that he is doing it. I would suggest that you join him in some of your sessions. This way you would have a better feel about his progress and in addition you would have an unbiased third party to guide you. But until you see that he has gotten more control over his emotions AND the counselor says that he is better, I would NOT let him be alone with your children. Even though you love him and want to be a wholesome family, you have a responsibility to protect your kids.



I know you could raise your children and be a good mother with or without him. You have already proven that by taking your children away from him at the first sign of danger. Keep up the good work and I am here for you if you ever need someone to talk to. I mean it.

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