Difficult situation

Val - posted on 05/12/2011 ( 58 moms have responded )

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Ok so to make a long story short. I have been with my boyfriend the father of my 2 babies 7yrs and 1yr old for 8 years now. Throughout the years I can say we had good times but there have been really bad times and when I say bad times I mean Domestic Violence, verbal abuse! He is very possesive so much that he hates all that is close to me like my best friend of 10 years and my mom! I lost my brother to violence 4 years ago and instead of bieng there for me and helping me get through it all he kept worrying about was that me and my mom were hanging out too much and he was really mean to her I couldnt believe how mean he was after everything she has done for us when we first got together she also needed support and he gave her the boot. He has disrespected my dads house a night we were out with friends we were a little buzzed and I told him to let me drive since he was GONE! He threw the keys in the street and made me catch them! I was soo angry we got into a fight and he made a scene in my dads house since my dad was babysitting. I can go on and on with these crazy stories and now he is throwing these temper tantrums at me because I go have lunch with my mom and I go out with my friends. He says that I should dedicate my self to my family and for get about everyone else only once in a great while I should see my fam and friends because that what he doing he has no friends and his family he see's once every 2 weeks! I am fed up and honostly its just not there anymore for me but I have the kids and he is not that bad of a father although he does drink alot! I have guilt for wanting to find someone that will make me happy because I am not happy with him : (

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Mechelle - posted on 05/12/2011

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Domestic violence is NEVER and I mean NNNEEEVVVEEERRRRRR ok!!!! Get out now while you can. You need to respect yourself and your children enough to realize that what you are not only putting yourself but also your children through. If he is abusing you, what's to say he won't start hurting your children?

Family is the most important thing that you will ever have. Do not let anyone come between you and your family. They are the only ones that will always be there for you no matter what. Your man obviously does not respect you or even care about you to abuse you and keep you isolated like that.

My advice: Get out and never look back.

Christina - posted on 05/12/2011

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First off, I'm sorry for the loss of your brother. Nobody should have to die the way he did. In answer to your question, I have just one thing to say and that is get out now before something really bad happens to you and your kids. I understand that you love him, that you have been together for along time and have two kids together, but from what you stated, the relationship isn't a good nor healthy relationship. The fact that he got upset with you for spending quality time with your mom after your brother died, getting upset with you for wanting to drive home after he was apparently to buzzed to drive then making a huge scene in front of your dad, totally disrespecting your mom after she helped you guys out, plus he drinks a lot plus he's been verbally abusive towards you. It sounds like he has some serious problems that he needs to deal with through counseling, but he is trying to deal with it through other means. Please, please, please get away from this guy before he seriously hurts you or one of the kids! My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

Mommy - posted on 05/16/2011

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I'm not sure I understand the question. You didn't mention a single reason why you should be with him. Are you wondering if you should leave or not, because if so it seems like a silly thing to ask. It sounds as if you already know the answer. And just so you know, if he is abusive, and/or using drugs a or alcohol, and you do nothing to remove your children from that situaiton, legally you could be held responsible as well, and your children can be removed from your care. Not saying that to scare you, but it is true.

Maigan - posted on 05/15/2011

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honestly, I understand where your coming from. But seriously...if your not happy then your kids wont truly be happy either. your their mommy and its your job to teach them values and morals. If they dont their own mother in a happy healthy relationship then they themselves wont know how to have a healthy relationship later in life :( I'm not at all saying that your a bad mother or anything like that, I just have been in similar situations and saw the effect the stress had on my children. Theres no reason in the world that you ccant find a great guy that will love and accept you and your children. and yes your bf may very be a good father and thast great but you do not need to be in a rlationship with him in order for him to continue to be a good father to the kids. The happier you are, the happier your kids will be. Dont waste your time in a situation that your not getting what you know you deserve. Value yourself worth, know what you absolutely deserve and dont settle fr ANYTHING less then what you deserve and what you are worth. Your a grown woman, how dare ANYBODY let alone a guy tell you who to be around or when to be around them, I could see his point if you were going out clubbing and crap all the time and neglecting your motherly duties, but your not. And what kind of man tells the mother of his children to not be around her own family!? makes me sick. He may be a good dad and hey, he might even be a good person....doesnt mean hes the right person for YOU. Theres only ONE person in the world that you will ever be able to depend on 100% and thats YOURSELF. you dont need anyone bringing you down,. I know its so so so hard to leave someone you have been with for soo long and especially cuz your have kids together, but everything happens for a reason...maybe you should just cut your losses as far as time goes and just look at it like, you guys were meant to be together to create 2 miracles of life and as your know, NOTHING can compare to the love you have for your children or the insane amount of appreciation you have for life everytime one of their little faces looks at you and smiles. So think of your kids and whats the best situation for them in the long run...Im pretty sure that you will come to the conclusion that them having a less stressed more confident independant mother will out weigh you being with a man that clearly doesnt appreciate what he has with you. You cant forget about him or even stop loving him, im sure....but you CAN move on and make a better situation for you and your kids. a situation that will make you feel good about YOU and your choices everyday you wake up, you will wake up without the stress or anxiety thats in the back of your head, worrying about tip toeing around his crap and worrying about him making you feel bad for any little thing you do. Good Luck with everything I hope things get better for you!! Dont underestimate yourself...EVER. I took hold of my own life, put me myself and i in control of what I did and ive never been happier and niether have my kids! :) LIFE IS FABULOUS!

Laura - posted on 05/14/2011

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It sounds to me like he's got a dangerous personality. You should be VERY careful around people who are trying to cut out all of your pesronal relationships. If I were you I would plan and exit strategy carefully. Make a plna to get stuff out of the house a little at the time and get yourself and your children away. If he's possessive and violent whe your are together he'll get workse if you try to leave. please be careful. I wish you and your children the best of luck.

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Julie - posted on 05/28/2011

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You won't have to explaything to your kids about the situation. Kids are very smart!!! I have always told my kids that mommy's #1 job is to keep them safe and they know that's why I left I never had to tell them anything

Julie - posted on 05/28/2011

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I wast just reading this and it brought back so many memories. I have been in your situation and I am now kicking myself in the ass for not leaving earlier. my oldest son now has extreme anger issues and has no respect for woman after seeing the many years of abuse. He sounds a lot like m$y ex so get a restraining order. You do not have to have a lawyer to get one just go to your local court house and they will help you also I would tak to a lawyer about getting custody set up. I have a friend that did not have custody set up and the mom came back into the kids life after being gone for 2 months she wanted to the kids to come over and never gave them back. The police said that there was nothing my friend could do but get a lawyer because custodywas not established

Michelle - posted on 05/27/2011

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I wold not stay if you are not happy. It is better for the kids to see their parents happy. Even if it's not together. Family is super important to me and I see the as much as I can. To tell you not to see them is wrong. He sounds insecure to me and afraid that you might find someone better. I don't know if it is just verbal but if it's more or even just the verbal you need to get out of it your kids need to know it's not ok to do these things. Last thing you need is your kids to get in the same situation or think it is ok to be abused.

MEGAN - posted on 05/24/2011

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Believe it or not your kids already know the stress you are under. You will never have to explain yourself to your kids after you leave. I was in the exact same situation. It was all verbal and eventually it turned into a couple pushes or smacks or chokes or throw me down the stairs and punch me and the final blow was sexual assault in front of my kids. Men like this are not in the right state of mind to be anything good to your children. He may seem loving to them and he may play with them but he is the single most damaging thing in their lives right now. I finally left after 6 years and he went to prison for it. Hardest thing I ever did but it's now 2 years later and I am doing the best I have ever done since having my 2 kids. My kids are not mad at me for leaving...they will be mad at me if I ever go back! Just know you are doing the right thing.

Val - posted on 05/23/2011

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Thanks everyone for your encouraging words. The physical abuse has happend once or twice but the Verbal happens more often I agree that he does need help I dont love him any more but I do care for himI will leave but I am planning everything out. I just wanted to be able to tell my kids that I really tried hard to keep the family together but the decision to leave has already been made : (

Tekiri - posted on 05/19/2011

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Been here!!! It will never stop and oen thing i have to point out is that you say he is a good father - im sorry but that is not true. Anyone who wants the best life for their child would not subject them to these situations and the atmosphere within the house, the silences when you are angry at each other etc. My daughter is now 12 and the effects are still haunting for her and have made a huge impact on her attitude and expectations of fmaily and love.
I got to a pint where i stopped caring what he did to me, i didnt care I had my daughter, and then he saw that my only weakness was her. Bad bad position to show weakness to people like this. get out babe if not for you then for your children.

Jessica - posted on 05/18/2011

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please understand that these random acts of "violence" will NEVER gets better only worse, my only advice is to either leave or find him the help he needs, and an unwilling person will never get better...my prayers go out to you!!

Jaime - posted on 05/17/2011

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I agree with the assessment of him using drugs and alcohol, and this endangering the kids. If you think that being there when he is drunk keeps them safe, I know first hand that when I thought I was keeping my kids safe just by being there, that it was not the truth. Its sad, but he could still hurt them even though you feel like you are protecting them....also imagine the psychological damage this kind of relationship is doing to your kids? What are you teaching them? What kind of message are you sending them? Something to think about

Sara - posted on 05/17/2011

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Do you have a womens shelter that you can go to with the kids ? If so go when he wont be home for awhile take a taxi if you have to the shelter can help you get on your fee and you and the kids will be safer there some shelters have laywers who can guide you. The kids and you need to be safe.

Amanda - posted on 05/16/2011

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This message is a direct Reply To Kyrie Smith , a LOT of People have written stuff because they would like to advise this Woman on what should be her next step in such a distressing time,. For you to say that you and your husband have " domestic violence moments " may be normal for you, but in reality it is not normal or acceptable to behave like that towards abouther person who you love! and as for her not being married?? That has nothing to do with it . Why does she have to be married ? I have three children with my fiance and we havnt married yet, but we are as close as can be and even though were far from perfect, getting married wouldnt enrich us as parents in any way at all !! The post clearly stated that this woman is UNHAPPY with her partner, so we are all trying to tell her the best ways of leaving and then coping with the decision. Do you know how many Women die a week in britain because f domestic violence? we are not here to encourage someone to stay in a violent relationship, bu to offer all possible support and advice on how to GET OUT !!!

Jaime - posted on 05/16/2011

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I did not read all the posts, so I don't know if anyone else has said what I am going to say- When something happen to me that made me have to leave a relationship for the safety of my life and my childs, I sought out a Women's shelter'. If you don't have one in your community, there will be one in the biggest town closest to you. They are there specifically for helping women and their children fleeing abusive relationships. They WILL keep you safe as long as you don't disclose your where abouts to him. I know how hard it it to leave a person you have SO much history with. Living life in indecision - when your stuck between 2 choices can make you feel angry and resentful though. The next time he drinks and passes out, just leave, don't take anything just get out! Items can be replaced, the lives of yours and your children can not. Do not call him, he will talk you into coming back. It is important for you to get healthy too, finding another man right away is not the solution. Counseling and time will help you to break free from a pattern that may happen again if you are with another man. Life is a journey, we can go lots of ways on that journey, but we have to chose the way we go.
Good Luck, I hope all of us women will help you to make a decision that can lead your life journey down a healthy road.

Melissa - posted on 05/16/2011

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Wow what a difficult situation to be in. I couldn't begin to imagine what that must be like.you shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to find someone who can love you like you deserve to be loved. And if your I'm a situation like this where your unhappy and treated Im a way that absolutely no one deserves to be treated you need to get out and get out before it's tco late . He may be a good father like you said but your kids are also living in the same situation that you are and it definitely plays a big influence on them . If your not sure what to do on their behalf seek legal advice and dont be afraid to do so . They can't be happy if there mommy isn't happy . Hope this helps . Keep your chin up and remember Don't feel guilty for wanting happiness !!!!!!

Allicia - posted on 05/16/2011

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My god u need to leave him. I am sorry if that sounds mean.
He migt be a good father but fighting around the children is not being good parents. its not showing anything good to the children. u can find someone better. if u need help ask ur mom or/and dad. just get away from him. i wish u luck.

April - posted on 05/16/2011

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First figure out what you want! I think if you are not happy the kids probably are not either, but maybe he is unhappy as well and that is why he is drinking. I would confront him on it. If I was in an abusive relationship I would leave but that is easier said than done! You just have to do the best for you and your children!

Maigan - posted on 05/16/2011

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First of all, get the hell out of that relationship do you really want your kids growing up seeing that? They will grow up thinking that is ok. And, he may cause harm to them at some point, especially if he drinks a lot. Do you really want to put/keep your kids in a situation like that? I would rather be a single mom than to ever put my kids in danger. Second of all, he said you should dedicate yourself to your family? Well, hello, last time I checked your parents were your family as well. In fact, they were around long before he was and should be long after (as you should be kicking him out). Never ever ever put your kids around a person like that, even if it is their father. If he truly wants to better himself, he can come around and visit when he is sober. The more you stay with him, the more you are allowing your kids to see that and do you want your kids growing up thinking it is ok to treat people like that? Also, the longer you keep him around the more you are choosing him over the safety of your children.

And I must say that you keeping them in that kind of danger is a form of child abuse in my eyes. They can't do anything to change it, but YOU CAN!

Thomasine - posted on 05/16/2011

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Anytime someone is physically or verbally abusive it is time to leave even quicker because there are kids involved. Pray and then get out of there.

Amanda - posted on 05/16/2011

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I know you may love him but if there is ANY kind of violence you need to GET OUT. It sounds to me like he is trying to be controlling over who you spend time with. If HE really loved you he would let you spend time with the ppl that you love. btw i am sorry about your brother. Get help and get somewhere where you are safe from violence ...one night he might just drink too much and i Really Don't want that to happen...good luck

Aly - posted on 05/16/2011

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Life too short...your kids will pick up on your unhappiness and it will effect them. He might get violent towards them when they get older...i've seen it happen. Get out and make a good life for yourself and your children. I'm sure your friend and family will support you. Good luck and have a good life.

April - posted on 05/16/2011

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It is my opinion that it is always better to get the children out of that kind of situation and away from hurtfull people. I am a child of divorced parents, my dad is a drinker and he beat the crap out of my mom and older brother and I was in 1st grade when they split for good and it was such a releif for us kids to know our mother would be safe and happy as would we.

Caroline - posted on 05/16/2011

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I'm sorry to hear that, but I think its time you throw in the towel. He will always be the father of your kids. Your kids can sense your not happy. So it would be healthier for you and the kids to just go your own separate ways.....i just hope that he can handle it as an adult and keep it between you two only and not try to involve the kids. He just sounds really scary. I would have a plan before you break up. Like, have the kids at your dads house or something like that. Good luck.

Lauren - posted on 05/16/2011

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seriously sweetie you answered your own question he is freakin crazy .you can get joint custody but if he is drinking real bad around the kids then think twice about that. he is only treating you this way because you allow him.i had a friend who is now divorced her ex moved her hours away from her friends and family and treated her like a peaseant in front of their sons.it took a while but she finally got the picture. the one thing ive learned is you cant help anyone who doest want to be helped she had to finally be feed up and learn for herself it wasnt going to get better. but hopefully you find yourself before its too late.i know he love the children but dont make that an excuse for your safty. ill keep you in my prayers.

Lisa - posted on 05/16/2011

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I know it may be hard especially with the thoughts of him hurting you if you leave, but you do need to leave. Check out your local Womens Domestic Violence facility. The should be able to help you with how to get out safely and even the hard parts, like allowing him to see the children. Question is have you told your parents this is happening. More then not they would also be there to protect you and the kids.

Jamie - posted on 05/16/2011

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Tantrums and showing a weird meanness to a calm and happy child who is soo carving that now I can't believe he was ever any other way . Getting out isn't just for your happiness. It's for your kids too!

Jamie - posted on 05/16/2011

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The day I left my abusive relationship was both the hardest and the best day of my life. I thought that the violence only affected me since my son was soo young. I was wrong. My son went from being a toddler that threw anger tamtr

Nicole - posted on 05/16/2011

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If domestic violence is involved in this relationship then you should have left as soon as it started. Simply put, if you're not happy anymore about what kind of person he is then leave. If the kids are experiencing any of the fights it could harm them in the future about how they should handle situations like those. Don't feel guilty, you deserve to be happy too. And if you fear for your life you should tell someone like a help center or even the police. No man should think he controls you or who you hang out with. Leave him!!

Kyrie - posted on 05/16/2011

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And I see a LOT of people on here making assumptions and throwing around judgements and ultimatums. It's just ridiculous. It's like everyone's trying to write in details to make a movie. lmao

Kyrie - posted on 05/16/2011

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I can't comment on this much because I'm not seeing the whole story here. I do know that for one you've been with him this long and for two you JUST had another kid with him. Were you happy before you decided to have another child? If not then... If so then couldn't the stress of another child be making things rocky? And has your family done something in the past to make him not like them? My mom and husband don't even like to be in the house at the same time. Mostly because my husband is an idiot when it comes to my mom. lol. I don't have any friends and I'm very possessive of my husband's time. I do my best to make sure he gets to go out and have fun but that takes a lot out of me. My husband and I have had our rough and nasty moments and our domestic violence moments, but we're both good people and love our kids and are happily married. We're happy because we understand that we both need to work on ourselves and we're both damaged people and we want to be together and make our marriage work for the rest of our lives. You have to know if you want to put work into this and have a real marriage and if he's willing to work at it too and change does NOT come all at once. Just ask for one thing at a time. If you've been together so long why aren't you married? I just can't get my head around the second kid if you're not married and unhappy with a guy. And if you two do break up your kids will be more strongly affected than either of you. They will have to live with your decisions for the rest of all of your lives.

Emma - posted on 05/15/2011

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If he was a good.father he wouldnt treat his baby mamma that poorly. Domestic violence affects kids and causes emotional abuse to children to.even.if he wouldnt directly hurt ur children he is hurting them by exposing them to the verbal abuse and domestic violence between their parents. Trust me i grew up in a home with domestic violence n even if u think kids dont know whats goin on THEY DO! U need to get out not only for for your happiness and safety but.for the emotional wellbeing of ur children. U need to step up and take responsibity as there parent n put a stop to it. If he is a good father he can be a good father after u are separated he needs to understand that his behaviour is not acceptable

Savona - posted on 05/15/2011

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If its not there anymore, then you already have your answer. Your kids shouldnt be a reason to stay, and if he drinks its not a suitable environment for them anyway, he sounds like he needs some therapy, in my opinion.

Maybe taking a break could work.. more then a month break, to see if issues could be worked out. If not then I think that you should try and move on and be strong for your kids. Youre their mom, thats what ya gotta do. *HUGZ*
goodluck and take care

Traci - posted on 05/15/2011

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All of you ladies need to realize you are worth so much more than this. You are better than year situations your keeping yourselves in. Every woman deserves to be treated with respect. You need to have faith in yourself that you deserve so much more than these men are offering to you. Sure, every couple has fights/disagreements or whatever. But it is NEVER okay to get verbally or physically abusive!!! You ladies deserve someone who will treat you better!!!

Elizabeth - posted on 05/15/2011

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wow girl your situation is simular to mine but he dont keep me from my family he just wants to have me kids to himself the only family member i get to see is my sister but its only because the rest of the family is far away

Laetitia - posted on 05/15/2011

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i agree with everyone, get out now while you can, go somewhere till the heat settles then go home to your mum or ask mum to come to you. if you are that afraid, there are a lot of resources out there to help you...

seriously like i have told my bestfriend of 10yrs also, she has been with her partner on and off for 6yrs and has a 3yr old son and 2yr old daughter, she is in the same sorta situation when she was slammed in a door when she was a few days off giving birth to her daughter, your children may not be physically hurt by him but they will see what he does to you and that will hurt them more then anything! a boy will grow to think it is ok to treat his wife/gf like this and a girl will grow to believe she is worth no more then that treatement therefor get abused herself, you need to get out and give your children the best you can, yes he is the father, but he isnt a good role model hurting you, your children need to see their mother happy and not afraid to socialise with her friends and family,

PS.... i am sooooo sorry for the loss of your brother :(

Amber - posted on 05/15/2011

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Get out! He may be a good father but nothing in that relationship sounds like the kind of environment you want your kids growing up in. he is definitely an abuser ( mentally and emotionally ) and very possessive. End it now and move on to the kind of healthy , supportive, loving relationship you deserve.

Bianca - posted on 05/14/2011

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Sweetie, if he's violent and verbally abusive, is that what you want your kids to witness everyday? If he really loved you he would NOT treat you this way. He has some issues that he needs to work out. You should focus on you and your children's needs first and foremost. Children are very impressionable at those young ages and when they witness such behavior, they tend to be the same way when they are adults. I am sorry that he was not the least bit supportive during your brothers death. That's when you need him the most! Honestly, family is forever and since you guys are not married and have no ties, but the kids, I say get out now before something worse happens. I have a friend whom I helped get out of her domestic violence situation and she did get out, but the kids are permanently scared because they saw him beat her for the last time. They are 3 and 2 years old. What infuriates me is she is now back with him, and has already called me crying because the same things are happening again.....Please do yourself and your children a great service by leaving him before he goes too far and cannot reverse the damage.

Yolande - posted on 05/14/2011

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You always need a support system no matter how horrible or amazing your spouse is. He needs to understand that. If he is not willing to work on himself or his own issues by means of counselling in order to make your relationship work, then he is not worthy of you. Also, think about what example you are setting to your kids. It is not good for them to think domestic violence is ok when it is really not.

Kymry - posted on 05/14/2011

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why should you feel guilty for wanting your own happiness? Don't you realize how much your kids care about seeing their mom happy? He never has to lay a finger or them or say a cross word to them to hurt those kids- they only have to know he does it to you. Trust me. The best thing you can give to your kids is them seeing their mom happy. The home is meant to be a place of refuge from the storms of life- that can't happen if there is a storm raging at home. If counseling is not an option, then leaving is the answer.

Sarh - posted on 05/14/2011

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Leave him! Your children don't need to see or hear any of this crap!!! It's not healthy for you or the kids.

Melissa - posted on 05/14/2011

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I was going through a similar situation. My ex husband was extremely controlling and abusive. For me the divorce was the only fair thin for my daughter. I realized one day that in 20 years if she came to me miserable because of her relationship it would be my fault because I stayed and taught her that was the way a relationship should be. I left and 2 years later I'm still fighting a horrible divorce and horrible verbal and emotional abuse but I know my princess will never grow up thinking she should be treated like that. And I did find someone that is the greatest man to not only me but also her. He treats me with respect and loves her with all his heart. When you make this decision do the best thing long term for you and those 2 precious babies you love. Don't listen to friends, family, or even us.... listen to you and your maternal instincts. You and your kids deserve the best in life don't settle! And don't worry about if you will find someone else just think if you and your kids would be better off separate. Sorry you have to go through this.

Brie - posted on 05/13/2011

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I know its hard but you need to leave ASAP!!!! It is doing nothing but hurting you and your children.. you are not wrong to feel the way you do... this man needs help badly!!! it may not even be his fault that he is the way he is... all these suggestions on here are great!!! You also need to realize that just because he is a great dad doesn't mean he won't hurt them... what if one night he goes off on a drunken tangent on you and he starts physically assaulting you and one of your kids tries to jump in and he hits them... whether meaning to or not! this is a chance you are taking... get out now because it will only get worse!! good luck to you and our thoughts are with you!!

Kiera - posted on 05/13/2011

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You should have a trail separation and see if he cleans his act up because what he is doing is hurting everyone around him and if your kids see him hurt you that will scar them emotionally, hope you will be ok

Angela - posted on 05/13/2011

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oh honey i know you must be going through a whole heap of emotions but i think you have answered your own question..i lived through that before i finally left and now im with my husband who treats myself, our children and my family and friends with respect. And your children will thank you for it one day. the thing is at the moment he may treat the children well, but one day he may go to far! also if there is ever any hope of your children having a good relationship with him its not while he's treating you or their extended family this way, please know that you and your children deserve better..any time you need to talk feel free to msg me..your not alone. big hugs your way xx

Stacey - posted on 05/13/2011

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Hi Val, i am very sorry to hear you and your kids are going threw this. you need to get out asap abusive people the first thing they do is get rid of everyone close to you so they can have control, then it gets worse. there is alot of help you can get by looking on line for places in you area to help you and your kids. and i wouldn't bet on him not hurting the kids even if he loves them he drinks and is abusive and theres never any telling what could happen please get help asap and be safe.

Josie - posted on 05/13/2011

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The best advice is to leave. It will be difficult but better for you and your family in the long run. I could tell you horror stories of dating violence that spills from spouse or boyfriend/girlfriend to the children. My sister works for child and domestic services. You deserve someone who will love you, your family and treat you with respect!

Raki - posted on 05/13/2011

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I know you may want to stay because he's the father of your children, but I only have two words for you: LEAVE HIM. It only gets worst. You can do good by yourself! TRUST ME!

[deleted account]

I was in your situation. I know what you are feeling and what you are going through. There are lots of people who can help you to leave, but some very necessary people are the police and a lawyer. Even though you are not officially married, you have been with him for 8 years and that may be seen as a common-law type of marriage if your state recognises that. Lawyer can also get a restraining order in the works. The police can make sure that you get out without him trying to stop you. It is NOT easy, but it is necessary. Just make sure that you make all the right moves for your children. I see one is 7 and possibly in school. You will need to make sure that the school knows the situation so he cannot just go and pick the child up without your permission. Family is also a great asset. Do not feel guilty. That is one of the ways he keeps you there. If he has hit you once, then he will eventually hit the children. DO NOT stay in that situation. Do everything possible to get out. I hope this helps, but in the end you have to make the ultimate decision and the hardest thing to do is to go through with it and make the change. You won't regret it once you do it and it is overwith.

Amanda - posted on 05/13/2011

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I'm can imagine that youa re reading the answers on here and thinking , no one knows what you feel like...and its easy to judge ! But a person that tells you to forget about all the people you hold dear apart from him and kids , doesnt love you , he definatly does not love you !! He may say it, and he may even think it, but love is shown by making someone happy and supporting them, and he clearly isnt. He sounds like he has serious control issues, and if you tried to leave him and he gets upset/angry/emotional/ thats only going to be because he is scared of not having anthing left to control and maipulate anymore ! LIFES TOO SHORT !! enjoy it and be there for your children, you will make it through with them !! be there for eachother. Boys look up to their fathers, you wouldnt want them to think its ok to treat women like that, and in years to come be violent partners towards their girlfriends ! you still have a chance, and there are many women which did got get out in time . I wish you lots of luck and courage . BE STRONG xxxx

Jade - posted on 05/13/2011

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He doesn't sound like he'd be a great influence whether he' s a good father or not.kids aren't that stupid and if you have boys they are especially influenced yby their fathers. It'll be one of the hardest things you'd do but leaving him sounds like the safest.

Karli - posted on 05/13/2011

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Oh girl, get the hell out of that crap. What are your kids learning from the 2 of you. They are learning that that type of behaviour is okay. It okay to abuse people and to be abused by others. It's time to get out, you should be able to talk to your parents and hang out with your mom especially in such sad times. He is selfish and cares for no one but himself. It's time to get some self-esteem and self-respect and get the hell out!!!

Hannah - posted on 05/13/2011

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Oh bless ya. I'm afraid to me the answer is simple. If you don't love him anymore you need to leave. He can still be a dad even if your not together. But eventually your children will pick up on the tension. Your children would want they're mum to be happy even at they're ages. I hope you find the answer you want.

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