Dont know what to do about childrens father.

Mary - posted on 12/18/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I have two little girls aged 3 and 4. I am separated from their father for almost 3 years. When I was with him he was abusive, mostly mentally but in the end he was physically abusive and strangled me until I blacked out whilst holding my youngest that was very small at the time. Since this he has been on and off, he comes to see the girls (when they are getting minded in my Mothers while I work) sometimes it could be twice a week and then he will not see them for months. If he doesn’t get his way (he will say he wants to see them a few hours beforehand when I already have plans) he will send me threats and I have had to delete myself from social network sites such as facebook to try and avoid this. When he comes up he tells my family about crimes he is involved in and the criminal organisation he is part of, I am afraid to report him for his abuse he sends me and/or the crimes he is committing as in the past he has just got suspended sentences for things like holding up a shop with a gun, assault, etc. he has never spent more than a week in jail and has committed some very serious crimes. I am scared he will not get time and I will then live in fear.
I live with my boyfriend who is bringing up the girls as his own although he known to them as his first name not ‘dad’, he has been a close friend for about 6 year and helped me a lot. I don't want to be the bad guy in the situation by keeping the girls from there dad, but it hurts me so much to have them around someone like this, as like any mother I am extremely protective over my children. Also I don’t know what to do about the fact he keeps telling them he is coming up then doesn’t. He does what he wants and doesn’t give any money towards them. His excuse is he doesn’t work but he openly speaks of money he receives from crime( not that I want this dirty money, but at least don’t say you don’t have money one minute then speak of all the money you are getting from crime the next).
If anyone has been in a similar situation or anyone that can offer advice it would be really appreciated.

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Eva - posted on 12/19/2012

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Reminds me of my dad. Oh, those were the days. At the beginning, the only visitation he was allowed was at a community center. Then we progressed to pick-up transfers at a police station. That was how afraid my mom was of him, but he was our dad and he was legally allowed access to us.

There were a few really violent fights re: visits (like when it snowed one evening and dad called mom and said he wouldn't be driving us home, and she was scared she would have to fight him to get us back at all. Or, on another note, the time he got into a fist fight in front of us and had to get stitches). I'm saying I know it won't be easy for you. No matter what steps are put in place, he sounds like an a*hole and he will always be an a*hole.

Luckily, us kids grow up into adults and can see this for ourselves. Trust your kids. Let them see their dad and no matter what crap he pulls, they'll grow up and recognize what kind of man their dad is. I can't say it's been that bad, in a sort of "school of hard knocks" way, it taught me a lot about myself to have such a challenging, horrible dad. I don't talk to mine anymore, but I had 27 long years of him and a lot of stories.

Krissy - posted on 12/18/2012

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If he has prior convictions even if they were suspended that still should be on his record. And most domestic violence groups will know exactly what to do as far as how to get you out of that type of situation without making it worse by having him come after you. I would definitely look into something like that in your area. They can tell you what to tell the police and see what you can do about it. And as far as the child support goes thats normally a state appointed law, so it wouldnt be your fault that he would have to pay. But theres a number of hot lines around america that are goverment affiliated that can help you. Whether that be moving, or getting him out of the picture, they can help. I wish you the best of luck.

Krissy - posted on 12/18/2012

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First of all, TAKE HIM TO COURT. MAKE HIM PAY CHILD SUPPORT. Show the police his threats! They will protect you! Do NOT allow him to walk all over you like this and harm you or your children! If necessary move away so he cannot find you. Putting your daughters in a situation where they are near him is incredibly dangerous. Who knows what hes putting them through when you are not there. All states have help with getting child support and help from domestic violence, there are non-profit groups everywhere that can help you and keep you safe from monsters like this. I would go to the authorities with ANY evidence you have, text messages, messages on facebook, phone calls, emails etc... and show them exactly what hes doing. Record him if your in a state where you can. Im in texas and you can record someone without making it known to them. Do whatever it takes to protect and give your baby girls what they deserve. And they deserve to have financial and emotional support. They are lucky to have another man who stepped in to help raise them as his own. They dont need to be around their real father if he is a sorry excuse of a man.

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Mary - posted on 12/18/2012

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Hi thank you for your reply. When he comes up he is never alone with them, it still worries me though. I am from Ireland, I just don't trust our police force, he held up a shop with a gun and only got a suspended sentence. He is involved in a crimimal group who he has threatened us with when i said the time he wanted to see him didn't suit. My whole family walks on egg shells around him. I have saved messages where he has threatened us. I am just afraid i will make thinhs worse by pissing him off and the last thing I want is to put anyome i love in danger.

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