Emotionally burned out mom of a two year old

Sarah - posted on 10/16/2013 ( 1 mom has responded )

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I chose to keep her when i was fifteen.
I had her when I was sixteen.
I still went to high school.
I still had friends.
My life isnt like the 16 and pregnant shows i see on television. I'm not american, I have never been there. I grew up in a conservative family, my mother is muslim and my father is christian and so as you can imagine it wasn't quite easy growing up to all these religious rules all coming from two different sides. No sex before marriage was one of the rules and since talking about sex was somewhat taboo, I had to learn everything alone and things didn't go the way I planned it to go at the age of fifteen.

Her father left me when I told him I was gonna keep the child. He moved to a different country in Europe.
I went through the pregnancy suprisingly well, I had a great school which supported me, I have best friends who kept me company and most important of all, my parents were there for me. They were furious when they figured out I was sexually active but as soon as I was gonna have a child they decided to make the best out of it and for that I shall be grateful.

I'm here now, in my room in my parent's house. My daughter is now two years old she's sleeping next to me. I quit school in eleventh grade because i was never an academic person, I have concentration problems and anxieties. it became tough for me to complete tasks while she was running around the apartment squeezing toothpaste, drawing on the walls, emptying the shelves and whatnot.
So I decided to quit school and switch to an art school where I can achieve better grades doing the only thing I'm good at doing.

The school doesnt start till next year. I decided it's time for me to take this year off to be independent, live with my daughter in our own home with my own decoration, our own feng shui thing going on.. We'd have a routine and get used to that routine while waiting for Dhia to go back to day care. We will get used to lviing alone by the time school starts and then things will go on from there.

This is my plan.

And this is how i feel: sgdclajhecg lajfgc.skdjcblawegfcf.askjbclarzfg

I am terribly scared. What if I mess up big time just once and that can ruin the rest of Dhia's life? Her childhood is the basic foundation of a stable life and if I can't be the mother she deserves, what is going to happen to her? People say I have messed up a few times, my parents say that I am falling off the rails, my siblings don't look up to me as their older sister anymore.
I'm looking for flats and collecting paperwork in order to get my own flat. It's taking so long and I spend the days waiting and dreaming.

I love her with all my heart. I can't complain, I have a wonderful baby girl.. I mean she started walking at the age of 8 months. She's a genius... But i'm not gonna lie. I do sometimes think where I'd be right now if I had chosen the other path. I know I am on a different boat than people at my age. I know there are restrictions and priorities that have to be kept in order. I can't afford to fall, I can't afford to be timeless, I can't afford to have romance.

And it just hurts most of the time, really. I'm a sole parent and my child depends on only me. I don't have a partner in crime,.I don't have another person going through the same feeling as me - going through the same struggles. Everytime I feel like I need to lean on someone, there's just no one there. Both my parents want me to be tougher and my friends have no clue what this feeling is like so nothing I say to them will ever reach them.

I am surrounded by so many people, why do i feel so alone? I am blessed with so much good coming from many people, why do i still feel so sad? I'm trying to shout help through my eyes, I just need someone to hold me and tell me that I'm great and fantastic. But no one has the tiime to look into my eyes and really see. I feel like nothing I do is ever right, it's never enough and something tells me that this feeling won't go away.

I'm 19 now and it finally hits me; the meaning of being a mother. I'm gonna live my life giving everything, pain, sweat, tears, money, money, money, hopes, prayers, and I can't expect anything in return.

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[deleted account]

Hi Sarah,

I'm just outside the age group for this community, but I have a two year old, and your conversation title caught my eye as I often feel the same way so I thought I'd reply. I also didn't want you to feel alone without response for too long.

If you are like me, there's so much going on with your daughter at the moment that you feel all consumed by her needs. You lose yourself a bit as your child takes over every aspect of your life. I haven't been able to go to the bathroom alone for the last year, lol, as an example.

It's hard to act for the future - study, hold down a job whilst your life revolves around that little person. And a two year old is starting to test their boundaries and assert themselves - which means your needs are even more pushed to the side and your limits tested. After such a challenging start, being such a young mother, and not being supported by your partner, how you are feeling is totally understandable and normal.

Do you have mothers groups? Play groups? Two year olds need a lot of stimulation, and other children really do the job for you, lol. Mothers groups also give you other people going through the same things to talk to, a new social group. Do you use or are you planning on using day care? I didn't want to put my daughter into day care, but had to work - I am glad I did though. It's been fabulous for her. She loves going, she comes home tired (which is good for me), and she's constantly learning new things.

I understand your need to get your own place - I was an adult child living with my parents and they forget the "adult" part a lot! Do your parents help out at the moment though? - i.e. financially, watching your daughter etc? Will you be losing this help by moving? Sometimes it's a hard trade off - freedom versus help. The extra eyes watching your little one can be worth the loss of freedom. Sometimes I wish my mum would move in with me just so I could close the toilet door on occasion!

If you care enough to worry about messing up, then you are already doing something right for your daughter. We all mess up, make mistakes. What makes the difference for our children is TRYING (not yelling capitals, just to put emphasis on the word) to do the right thing in the first place. If you are meeting your child's needs - she's loved, healthy, and happy - you are doing a good job.

I am sorry that you feel so alone. It would be so hard. I feel alone sometimes, and I have a husband (though sometimes that's just like having another child!) I am worried that you are feeling so alone. Ask for help. Please.

And please believe me when I say; you're doing well. You've faced more challenges then most of us will. You love your daughter. You're making plans for the future. There will be bad days, but there will be wonderful days too. You will give, but you will also get. Your daughter loves you back, and that's a gift that you'll always have.

Wishing you all the best.

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