Emotions after seperation

Emily - posted on 11/07/2011 ( 7 moms have responded )

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Has anyone been through seperation or divorce? How do I cope with my emotions as well as my kids emotions too? People keep telling me it will get easire but it is hard to look at my son who is a splitting image of his dad and try and move on. I love my kids to the ends of the earth but I am having trouble staying focused on them and tring to be happy when all the emotions are getting the better of me, then when my son wants his dad I get upset for him and for myself. I hope it gets better. Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle all this??

Thank you

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Denikka - posted on 11/07/2011

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My hubby left for about 10 months. Needed to get himself together.
It does get easier. The best thing I can suggest is to let yourself grieve. It's as much of a loss as if your partner had died, but you have more reason to be angry because he made a choice to do it.
Vent. Write angry letters and let it all out, cry, scream if you want to. You have every right to feel everything that you're feeling.
As for your kids, if they ask for daddy, just tell them that daddy had to go away for a while. Obviously how much you say and what you say depends a lot on how old they are. But just a generalized statement should work for really young kids (like under 5yrs). But if they want to talk about it (I would say 4-5 and up), let them. Don't make it a taboo subject. Answer as well and as age appropriately as you can, and definitely reassure them that THEY did nothing wrong. That it was a problem between mommy and daddy (I wouldn't suggest placing the blame all on him, even if it WAS all his fault). Reassure them that daddy still loves them, he just had to go live somewhere else.

It's always hard to lose a loved one. No matter what type of loss it is. It's especially hard with children. Allow yourself space and time to grieve, but there may be days that you just have to force yourself out of bed to make the kids their breakfast. Sometimes you just gotta focus making it through today, and screw tomorrow. But it does get better, you just have to let it go instead of holding on to it and bottling it up.
Good luck and good speed on your healing :)

Medic - posted on 11/07/2011

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I showed my ex the door when my son was only 2 months old. I felt so empowered by being a single mom, I did things I never thought I could do. I had an amazing network of friends that had been there done that, that I could call whenever. I don't think I ever was sad for me because I was so over it when it ended but I was sad for my son. Now my son is 5 years, his bio dad signed over his rights 18 months ago and my current husband that has been around since he was 7 months has adopted him. Yes it hurts when we talk about it, but my pain is for HIM. Cry when you need to cry, yell when you need to yell(where kids wont hear), throw shit, get mad, then move forward. You cannot be a rock for your kids unless you have dealt with all of your feeling and emotions.

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Trista - posted on 11/09/2011

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my son is 20 months now. my husband and I were highschool sweethearts, got married and had a baby. hes military. And we had been through 2 deployments before the baby, and one during my pregnancy. His last deployment was last July, by October he was telling me he wanted a divorce, wasn't ready for a family. I know it must be more difficult for you considering your child knows who his father is but your situations for both you and your son is not easily able to be forgotten. You are not going to just wake up one morning and everything be okay. Ive been separated for 14months and im going through my divorce now, and i still have those nights or mornings or times i look at my son and want to burst into tears. Ive realized the best thing for me is to always no matter how bad im hurting show happiness and love while my son is up and around me. At night if its too much i just get him to bed and then sit and cry for a few min. Then i tell myself that something somewhere obviously wasn't meant to be, and that I just need to be strong for myself and my son and move on. I try to talk myself up, making both long and short term goals for myself to reach and when i reach them i reward myself with a day with just my son and I all day long, and then a day to myself or a day with friends, having coffee or going to see a movie, or a girlfriend just coming over while my sons with his grandparents and drinking a few glasses of wine and reminiscing about the old days when we were in highschool or about how im feeling or shes feeling. It always helps to talk to others, and its always ok to break down every once in awhile. (just dont make it a habit). It makes you a better, stronger person. And one day you will find happiness or it will find you :) hope this helps !!

REBECCA - posted on 11/08/2011

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Emily, Trust me things will get so much better. I myself had been through it twice and I have five kids. My oldest is 8 and me and her father split when she was 6 months old. Going in to the second marriage i had a daughter and a son to worry about then i ended up getting pregnant with my third with my second husband. Once i finally kicked him to the curb things was finally looking up for me and yes i had and will have many questions to answer when my kids get old enough to understand what really happened. I then met my MOST WONDERFUL HUSBAND that has taken on the responsibility of kids that are not even his and he couldn't be any happier with the life we have now. We have been married for 2 years and together for 4. The kids do not understand what is really going on and they will start to feel like it is there fault that their mom and dad does not live together but just explain the best you can without going into to much detail. One thing you do need to remember to always get along in front of the kids, it always makes things easier on everyone. Just love them the best you can and like everyone is saying it will get better.......

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It took me at least 8 months before I even STARTED to feel somewhat stable. It DOES suck, but I promise it does get better.

Emily - posted on 11/07/2011

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Thank you so much for the kind words. It is hard, it has been 2 months and he has moved on if you know what I mean, sos I let my mind get the better of me, my son is 2 and not talking so he doesnt undertstand what is happening, I feel like I have failed as a mum coz my kids dont have the spark in their eyes as they used to and feeling like a failure to do with the kids is another burden that I shouldnt be feeling but It hurts alot. I know my husband isnt going to come home and thats another hard thing I have to deal with, THIS SUCKS.thank you for letting me vent

Audrea - posted on 11/07/2011

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I promise, it does get easier. It just takes a bit of time. I myself have been through this. When my daughter was just 1 year old, her father had to leave for a while. She would wake up crying for him. I thought I'd never get through it. But I just held her and told her it would all be alright as I cried with her. Time heals everything. Sometimes it takes longer then we want it to. But you will get throught it. I know it.

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