family issues

Ashley - posted on 09/10/2009 ( 12 moms have responded )

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my fiance and i had our daughter Abigail on april 1st. we were soo happy and so was everybody else. BUT when his family first found out i was pregnant some were ok with it and supportive and some were horrible. his mom told us to have an abortion and his sister was just mean. all through my pregnancy his mom made my life miserable. but now that abby is here everyone that was mad or upset wants to be number one in her life and i still havent forgiven them fully for how they treated me. i dont know what to do.

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Nadine - posted on 09/11/2009

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I have always had problems with my mother in law. When my husband and I first started trying his mother wasnt happy and tried to talk my husband into changing his mind saying we weren't ready and she wasn't ready (which I don't see how that mattered). When I got pregnant the first time I found out I was pregnant because I was having a miscarriage at 8 weeks, she called while we were at the doctors so he told her what was going on and she acted like she hadn't heard him and started talking about something else. Fortunately my husband stands up to her and told her he didn't care and had other things going on then hung up. Since then I had two premmies that didnt make it and now have a 4 month old girl. During all of the pregnancies gave both of us lots of problems about everyone not being ready and while she never said anything other then are you sure your ready to my husband I knew she was in her own way telling him that he should either have us get an abortion or leave me but is now wanting to be the grandparent she sees all the time and what not. We moved to Texas from Michigan at the beginning of August and she was mad about that didnt want us to take the baby that far from her even though it would be better for our family. Then our room mates mother wants grandkids but my room mate and her husband dont want kids so she is treating our daughter as her own grandkid and my mother in law got mad saying she should be the one to spoil her. My husbands response was so spoiler her then and that he wasnt going to stop anyone else from doing it that since she cant be around them its not going to hurt to have a stand in grandmother. Your husband needs to step up and tell his mother that the things she is saying and the way she is acting is not cool and will not be tollerated he should have done that from the beginning. You do need to forgive her and allow her to have a relationship with your child but I would first have a talk with her that you will not tollerate that behavior especially in front of your daughter and if it doesnt stop she will not be allowed to see the baby.

Ashley - posted on 09/10/2009

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i understand that he couldnt fully stand up for me though. ive been accused of taking him away from his family and making him think i was the only one that cared about him (which was false again) he just realized for himself how they are and i just happend to be with him when it happend. weve had to drive a hour away for some of his family to see abby and 30min for others and i dont think thats fair. like my mom says its easier to pack up an older kid then it is to pack up a baby. so i think im done doing that. if they really want to see her they can come by us or atleast meet us somewhere in between!

Brittany - posted on 09/10/2009

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But congratulations on the baby girl!

Don't forget. Don't refuse to let them see the baby, but make sure you don't go out of your way to accommodate them. They need to make it up to you. It's unacceptable that they treated you that way and that your fiance didn't stand up for you. Well, at least it doesn't sound like it if he was still exposing you to them during your pregnancy and they were being so terrible. My husband and I were not married yet and my aunts repeatedly told me to have an abortion. That, in my opinion, is not something you tell someone to do unless they are crack addicts and such.

Holly - posted on 09/10/2009

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im glad for you in the fact that it is your mother in law mine is my father. he was gone from my life for 12 years and conveniently showed back up when i was 18. then he turned around and remarried the woman who used to beat my bro and i when we were younger. he said he came back for us to try and be a good father but remarrying her was like a slap in the face to me so i didnt talk to him for two years and then my bro told him i was prego so he turned round divorced the evil woman who had proceeded to beat my younger half bro and my dad just acts like none of this happened and its not his fault and is trying to be in my daughters life and i was ready to ignore him entirely when my husband talked me out of it and said it should be our baby girls decision when she is older and not mine. :)

Codi - posted on 09/10/2009

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My first mother in law thought I was the devil incarnate (literally!) and we didn't get along at all. Personally, I don't take crap of anyone but pick your fights. And talk to your SO about it.

Ashley - posted on 09/10/2009

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thank you all for your comments!!! my future mother- in -law lives in florida so atleast i dont have to see her everyday. believe it or not i did talk to her when she came up to visit in june, but i wont go out of my way to talk to her. she calls my fiance every couple of weeks to see how abby is doing, but i dont say a word while theyre talking. they never appologized, and told me what they said wasnt mean but me and a lot of other people think differently including my fiance. they would fight everyday for two weeks after he told her i was pregnant. but atleast i have all my family and friends and most of his family that supported us from the beginning!!! :)

Holly - posted on 09/10/2009

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I unfortunately know exactly how you feel but I am one of those ppl who have a hard time letting things go so when it came down to it, my thinking was i can be mad or even hate this person all I want, but it should be my daughters decision whether or not she wants this person to be in her life not mine. and it will be years before she can make a decision like that for herself so until then i get to be mad and possibly forget the mean things done

Susanna - posted on 09/10/2009

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hi,

i wouldnt let it go! im not suggesting for one minute that u go and create a huge fallout but you should let them know how u felt and still do feel! the air needs to be cleared so u can move on! they have a right to their opinion however, they have no right to make u feel like that and expect you to not say a thing in return. ur a mum now and that changes a lot, at least i found that it did for me. we're not kids anymore and shud be treated with a bit of respect, just like we give others.i wud neva forgive any1 that had told me to kill my baby and then expected to be number 1 nan! fecking cheek!

xx

ps, im having problems with my own selfish mother! can you tell!? ;-)

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its not about you anymore :( they were mean and i wouldnt be able to trust them like as a friend or personal confidant kind of thing... but they love her and you can never have to many people who love you right ?

Christine - posted on 09/10/2009

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I agree with Tanya about having to just let it go. My "monster in law" said to my husband right in front of me " I thought I told you not to get her pregnant" Then she still couldnt remember my name till after the baby was born. I have to beg her to be in a photo with my son and she has yet to come to my home and visit him even though she only lives 25 minutes away. (Keep in mind my parents live 5 hours away and have been here many many times) When I go to her house she doesnt speak to me. And when she does its just rude. I decided to give up. She is the one missing out. Not me. I was letting it get to me. I was getting headaches and stomach aches and heart aches.

I guess its like my granny tells me all the time The Lord wont give us more than we can handle.

It wont be easy but you'll eventually forgive and maybe even forget. Good Luck. Sorry you had to go through that.

Tanya - posted on 09/10/2009

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What your going to have to do is the only thing there is to do. You are going to have to become the bigger person it don't seem like they are aware you are still hurt over what they said or did or maybe they don't think they have done anything wrong. You are going to have to let it go. I wish I had some really good answer like how to get back at them or make they fell bad for what they did to you but the truth is you are going to have to just tell yourself ya they said or did hurtful things to you but you aren't going to let it ruin your life. If you hold on to that it is going to cause you more stress and drive you crazy, it is not worth all that trust me! It's not easy and what I finally had to do (with situations like these) is say to myself they don't have to answer to me (because I feel I don't have to answer to anyone) so they will just have to answer for what they have done when they meet there maker, and at lest when I meet mine he'll see I have learned to forgive.. I hope this helps a little :) Good Luck to you and you baby girl is beautiful :)

Tanya - posted on 09/10/2009

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What your going to have to do is the only thing there is to do. You are going to have to become the bigger person it don't seem like they are aware you are still hurt over what they said or did or maybe they don't think they have done anything wrong. You are going to have to let it go. I wish I had some really good answer like how to get back at them or make they fell bad for what they did to you but the truth is you are going to have to just tell yourself ya they said or did hurtful things to you but you aren't going to let it ruin your life. If you hold on to that it is going to cause you more stress and drive you crazy, it is not worth all that trust me! It's not easy and what I finally had to do (with situations like these) is say to myself they don't have to answer to me (because I feel I don't have to answer to anyone) so they will just have to answer for what they have done when they meet there maker, and at lest when I meet mine he'll see I have learned to forgive.. I hope this helps a little :) Good Luck to you and you baby girl is beautiful :)

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