feeling like a single mom ...

Christina - posted on 07/12/2010 ( 19 moms have responded )

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Hi I am mother of a 6 month old and I often fill like a single mom even though I have a husband .I have been waking up around the clock not asking for help and when I do I get told "why are you tired ..you don't work" I am so tired that I asked for help from my husband when OUR daughter woke up right now and now I am sitting in the living room yet again because OUR daughter doesn't want to go back to sleep trying to hold back my tears .If you have been in this situation what did you do ,any advise for me to convince my husband that I DO perhaps works around the clock as his excuse always is I am the one that works 10 hours a day (he has 4 tens) or you dont woke around the clock you can take naps. yes I do take her morning nap with her but I dont take the other one with her as I wouldnt be able to get anything done around the house .

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Melissa - posted on 07/12/2010

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When he tells you he works ten hours a day, you reply and I work 24 hours day. There is no way he can compare the tiredness we know as being a mother. Your husband gets a break from his job. You don't get a break from your daughter, especially at that age. It is not fair and if he doesn't step it up, you will go insane! When my daughter was first born my fiance couldn't wait to get home to hold her. He would wake up in the middle of the night and change her then give her to me to nurse. All of a sudden this stopped and I literally was crying my heart out one night when he wouldn't help me out. I had the same situation, I had to take care of the household, make dinner, clean, etc. I had no rest all day. As soon as I closed my eyes she woke up and on top of that she would not stop screaming. I lost it and screamed at him that I couldn't take it. He finally understood, just because I was home all day didn't mean I was laying around relaxing. Your husband needs to learn that too. Men can be so insensitive.

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Shacoria - posted on 02/14/2014

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Me and my boyfriend are young parents (both 20 with a 2 month old), I just thought it was phase he was going through since he's so young but I see it's all men doing it. After my baby turned 2 weeks I noticed he started doing all things your husbands were doing but he works 12 hr shifts 5 days a week sometimes 6 as a busser at a busy resturant, so I had a little remorse for him expect on the days he was off an decided he was going to go hang out with his friends all night and not spend time the baby. I eventually started locking our room door forcing him to sleep on the couch, stopped doing his laundry and cooking dinner; it is just me, him and the baby so dinner no longer became a requirement. I would secretly pump all week so when I decided I wanted a break I would give him the baby an just leave the house, but that was hard and I started having separation anxiety so it didn't happen to often. Most the time I would set everything he was going to need to take of the baby in the room and lock myself in the bedroom to get rest or just simply watch tv with out a little person wanting to eat every 2 hrs. The downfall to this is I don't trust him with the baby to be alone over 6 hrs. He gets distracted way to easy and is a deep sleeper I would hate for something to happen to our baby, I know his limits he doesn't.

One day he watched the baby while I went out to eat with my friends. When I got home the baby was sleeping and my boyfriend was watching tv. I noticed my son was squirming a lot in his sleep so I picked him. When I picked him up he threw up; milk kept coming out of his mouth and nose to the point his eyes started rolling and he turned red. My boyfriends reaction ....... he passed out. This event added on to my anxiety with him watching the baby for long stretches at time, seeing that in an emergency he panics. Sometimes I feel selfish.

Christie - posted on 07/17/2010

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i have the same problem. we have a 4 year old and a 4 week old. no matter what a man things IT IS A FULL TIME JOB BEING A MOTHER!!! even if you stay at home and get to nap. you constantly are having to deal with the child. your work doesnt have a quitting time!!!! with mine, i have to tell him that if i cant even take care of myself, how am i expected to take care of the baby. he uses the excuse well i cant feed her( i am breastfeeding). i tell him well fine, i will pump. theres no excuse! yes, he may have to work 10 hours, but i had to be on an ambulance working long hours and i was about to pop!! my boss at one point sent me downtown to our medical center and i was 1 1/2 centimeters dilated. and if i manage to work my butt off while pregnant and still come home to take care of a 4 year old after a long hard shift, then he can certainly get up to help. you BOTH made that child TOGETHER and you BOTH have to take the responsibility in taking care of it. you have done all the work during the day,so its his turn when he comes home.i agree with lacye, leave her with him and let him see how it feels. my husband leaves me home with 4 kids (our 2 and his nephews) and i told him i get overwhelmed dealing with 4 kids, housework, and refereeing. i left him home with them for alittle bit and he told me he was sorry and he understands how stressed i get and needs to be more helpful.

Michelle - posted on 07/17/2010

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I know exactly how you feel! I was just about write a post venting about this! I didnt work when my son was first born, so I did always get up on work nights with him so my husband could sleep in... Eventually though I asked (more like demanded) one day a week where I could sleep in. And I got it... Even now every Sunday my husband gets up with our Son. I work too now, so its even... I think allowing him to sleep through the night when he has to go to work the next day is only fair...
Take naps when she naps... If you are tired and need a second nap take it... And go to bed early too! Haha.. ( I do this and he gets the hint... oh maybe I should give her a break since she is now going to bed at 9pm) And if hubby has anything to say about the "house work" not being done, tell him that being a mother is a full time job and the dishes can wait so you can keep your sanity!
I get frustrated with my husband because I do work now (although it is only part time, 3 days in stores and a couple hours a day at home the other 2 days) and he really doesnt do anything else to help me. Once in awhile he will change a diaper or feed him if I want to eat dinner at the same time. But I can count those times on one hand. And oh does he get pissed when there is a mess in the kitchen... like yesterday HAHAHA....
My advice is gently remind him that taking care of your daughter is a full time 24/7 job. Esp at 6 months... you cannot just put her in a swing and load the dishwasher! She is getting mroe and more mobile and you have to watch and engage her... I have to remind my husband that all the time!
Bad news... your husband will continue to not help... and you will have to continue to ask... I feel like things will even out at one point when my son starts sports... in about 5 yrs! Just keep asking, esp on the weekends when he doesnt work.. (you need a break too) Each of you take one day on the weekend to sleep in, go out without the kids for a couple of hours, even if it is to grab a coffee or the grocery store. And that way it is even. It worked for us... Now only if I could get my husband to change a diaper without being asked to! Good luck you are not alone!

Ashli - posted on 07/16/2010

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i really feel you and how you feel. my daughters father would never help me with her only when he wanted to. but he was also taking drugs, now im a 25 yr old single mother i completely understand what you are going through.

Chelsea - posted on 07/16/2010

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I know exactly how that is..Me and my babys dad arent together anymore I live with my parents. but when he would call he would always why are you so tired im the one that works not you! They just dont understand being a mother is a full time job! I'd love to see guys do what we do!

Heather - posted on 07/16/2010

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Luckily, my husband wasn't too bad. I think to an extent, most husbands don't realize how difficult it is to be a stay at home mom. My husband even put the baby in front of a light up toy one night while I was asleep and it was his turn (because he was tired and didn't want to hold her), so after my two hours of sleep I had a wired, overtired screaming infant. After that he complained that he was exhausted, even though I made sure that at the expense of my own sleep, he never, ever got less than 6 hours straight.
To make a long story short, I flat out told him i never wanted to hear that he was too tired, since I got a fraction of the sleep he got. I told him that he would pick one day of the week that he would get up with the baby and I would get to sleep all night long, as late as I wanted. And then I left him for an afternoon with the baby, and a list of all the things that I would normally accomplish. I told him to get the list done if he could, and I expected dinner when I got home, just like I provided for him. Needless to say, he appreciated me after that, if he ever made mention that he was tired, it was always with the disclaimer "not to say that you aren't probably more tired than me, because you have the right to be!" He never complained that something wasn't done again!

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I tried talking and being nice at first with my husband and when that didn't work I quit doing everything that he got so used to me doing for him. I did mine and the kids laundry, not his, I also let my house stay messy for awhile, not filthy just messy, and when he asked for help he didn't get it. After a week he got my point and every so often he gets a friendly reminder because he starts to forget.

Theresa - posted on 07/16/2010

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thats how i feel all the time my b/f rarely helps out with the babies hes never woke up in the middle of the night im always stressed and yet he calls me lazy

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I was 19 when we my husband and I had our first daughter. He was 21 and extremely immature! There's a couple of things you can do. My husband was home with me for one week when our first was born and he was NO HELP at all even though he wasn't working. When he went back to work, I had my mom come stay with us for 2 weeks. My husband LOVES my mom and often does things with just him and her, but he didn't appreciate having someone else in his home, taking care of things. I told him, since he was too tired and busy from work, I had someone else who wasn't too tired to help me with our baby. The second thing that happened, is my mom took me on a weekend getaway to the beach when my daughter was about 8 months old. My husband works four 16 hour days and has 3 off. So we left for 3 days and he was the only one taking care of her. The third thing, I got a fulltime nannying job when my daughter was almost 2. I was watching the baby from hell!!!! And my husband started appreciating me more. I was working and bringing home some money (I worked until we were out of debt, so he was very happy). I was waking up at 6am five days a week. He was waking up at 530, four days a week. He started cooking all the meals and keeping the kitchen clean. I was still doing all the rest of the housework. Now, our second daughter is two months old and he was home for 6 weeks and I never had to lift a finger that whole time! I gained his respect and showed him (by forcing him to take care of our daughter by himself) how hard I am really working.

Emma - posted on 07/13/2010

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Same here I've had a couple of those days and I would cry cause I would be so stressed!! What I did is I stopped cooking, cleaning, and washing. I only took care of our daughter until he finally got the hint that I had alot going on. I told him atleast he is able to get a lunch break gets to clock out. Its hard for some dads to realize that taking care of a baby is aloooot of work. We even seperated because he was making me get more stressed out, when he would take our daughter for a day he realized how tough I have it. We have been helping eachother out, now that we knew how hard it is not to get help from anyone. We dont take for granted something as simply as a shower, its hard to take a shower when you have a baby and your alone.

Christina - posted on 07/12/2010

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I too live away from family so I cant call them and have them come over and help me when I am at my wits ends and to top it off we are planning on moving all the way to Louisiana (from CA) all of his family lives there and his mom and I didnt get along for years before our daughter came along and now all of the sudden she likes me again I question every day if I am doing the right thing or if I am making a big mistake .His mom did "buy" us a house and she will be staying there and paying the mortgage until my husband could find a job over there and take over and she will then move out ,but I know she will still come over every day and I like the privacy we have now.I am disabled and can't drive so I know once he goes to work I will be stuck at home like I am now which is another reason why I think I am at my wits ends here .My husband has three days off (mon,tues.wed) and even on his days off I have to pull teeth for him to do anything ,He hasnt given her a bath since maybe she was 2 months old .I have tried to talk to him about how I feel and get no where Is there another way of telling/doing this ?

User - posted on 07/12/2010

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I know your pain. I am in the same boat. I have a 2 year old son, a 3 mos old daughter, and a 31 year old husband. I also work out of our home managing a hotel (our home is connected to the hotel). I work 24 hours a day for 7 days straight, then 13 hours a day for the next 7 days. I run the hotel, care for OUR children, and run the house at the same time with little to no help. The lobby hours are from 7am-11pm, but I start setting up breakfast by 6:30am.

My husband does say that I do a lot and he doesn't know how I do it, but still doesn't offer to help. I really don't think he understands how much time the kids take up. Then he wonders why at night I just want to go to sleep and not "snuggle" with him. My husband does work 12 hour shifts, he works 6 days straight then has 8 days off. BUT he has been working A LOT of over time lately as we are trying to save up enough for a down payment on a house. He works 7pm-7am though, and sleeps all day long. So I have to try to keep the kids quiet as well so he can sleep 8 hours...I am happy to get 6 hours of sleep.
I sometimes wonder what my husband would do if something happened to me where I couldn't be super "single" mom. I went to the dentist and was gone for 2 hours and my husband was ready to pull out his hair because of the kids. He didn't even change a diaper!!
I am very isolated here. With the hours that I work, I have no time to meet people. We moved 300 miles away from family and I know no one up here outside of our regular guests at the hotel. I have NO friends to go out with, NO babysitter, and right now I have to share a car with my husband. So when he is working I am stuck at home. We live in a more rural area, so I can't just walk to the store, take a bus, or anything like that.

Josie - posted on 07/12/2010

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Sounds like your husband needs to learn some respect. Maybe you two should go to counseling.

Melissa - posted on 07/12/2010

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You have to talk to him. Don't be passive-aggressive about it because he seems to only see things from his point of view. Let him know how you feel, what you go through each day. Your daughter needs you around the clock. Does he think she disappears when he leaves the house??? You won't know if he'll change if you don't tell him your exact needs. Do it before it becomes a falling out when you've had enough.

Christina - posted on 07/12/2010

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Ever since my daughter turned 6 months she is teething really bad and does not want to sleep at all ,I put her to bed at her normal time .she woke up right when i was trying to go to bed at 11 pm and did not go back to sleep until 230am she then woke up at 5am and did not go back to bed until 7am its now 8am and here I am up again with her I then asked my husband again to go take care of her and he of course didnt and continued to sleep I am up with MY daughter again crying because of how tired and exhausted I am ...it saddens me to say this but I honestly dont see how far our marriage is going to last if he continues to act like this I didnt ever expect to be taking care of her all by my self I have went out for a "girls day out" and got my nails treated by my friend came home and he says "here" I don't know what else I should do and if I do take a nap later which I know I will need he will just say something like " I have been taking care of her all day " when in reality its probably only 2 hours if that

Lacye - posted on 07/12/2010

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on a day when he's at home, take a mom's day off. go out to eat, or just go to a friend's house and spend time there. leave the baby with your husband. he will figure out what it's like to take care of a small child. that's what i had to do with my bf one day.

Sarah - posted on 07/12/2010

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i feel your pain! i do daycare and am pregnant with my 1st child! my husband thinks that becaue i am at home working i have all the time in the world... not true when you have a 1 1/2 yr old thats a handful to say the least and are tired constantly because your pregnant! i have a feeling i will be doing the same as you when our child is born! no real advice for you other than i hope he steps up and starts to help you!

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