Filed for Sole Custody

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2009 ( 18 moms have responded )

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After a long drawn out 2 yr battle with my son's father, I went and filed custody a week ago. We have a 2 year old together. We broke up 6 days before I found out I was pregnant because he was cheating. We got back together after Gabryl was born for maybe a month but that ended when I found out he was cheating on me again. Well, since then he has seen his son only when Gabryl's mommom comes to get him. He doesn't take the time to drive 40 minutes to pick his son up.



I just got married and my husband has taken the responsibility of taking care of Gabryl. He does a wonderful job and plans on adopting him along with my other two. Gabryl's dad and my twins dad has said they would terminate their rights.



We have been going back in forth to the courts about G's dad not paying child support and he said he just doesn't care. He will spend time with him when G is at him mommom and poppops but Joe(G's dad) won't step up and be a man.



Does anyone know how this whole custody thing works? I live in Delaware and he lives in Maryland. I blocked his numbe because he threatened me in text messages but he can get up with me through his mom if he wanted. I really prefer him not to have joint custody because he also has panic attacks, is bi polar and is addicted to pain medicine. Not to mention he's had countless jobs since I was pregnant and can't keep them longer than 2 weeks and his van is shot with no back seats. My husband is in the military so I know we will be moving a lot.



Any suggestions ladies???? I need advice. Oh and G's dad will be 21 this year so I know he's still got some growing up to do.

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Dorothy - posted on 04/28/2009

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ok well i can give you a little info on the hole mil. side of it my hubby is in the navy and i had a baby before i meet him. we live in Japan now if the bio dosen't give up his rights or have them taken away you will have to have him say its ok to get your child a passport and take them out of the US if your hubby gets orders over seas. you can get free help on base from the mil. lawers. i hope this helps with that part

Helen - posted on 04/27/2009

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Hey, I was going through something similar. I have sole physical custody of my eldest son but joint custody with his dad. It's two different things, meaning that my son lives with me and not half a year or a couple months with his dad. And the joint custody will be when we both make decisions about him regarding school. etc. If he's not paying child support and doesn't want to be responsible for his son then he doesn't have to see him or go over his grandparents house. Your husband's the one providing his son with shelter and food. Overall if you want to force him to pay child support then he will have rights over his son. You probably don't want nothing to do with him, but if your son is showing interest in seeing his dad then give him the opportunity to be with him. We can't be selfish just cause we hate the baby daddy's, I know that for a fact because I don't want to hurt my son cause he loves his dad. Hang in there, talk to a family lawyer.

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Amanda - posted on 04/28/2009

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Thank you ladies for all your help especially all the postivie feedback. I don't surround myself with negativity, and no I personally don't know anyone on here.



I have to take parenting classes before they even will set up a hearing. It's required in Delaware.

Tiffanie - posted on 04/28/2009

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Well see there you go. If he doesn't even have a stable living environment, of course they aren't going to give him joint custody..things are looking up!!!

Helen - posted on 04/28/2009

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I agree with Nichole, you just have to keep a positive attitude and do what you think it's best for your son. I live in MD, you said the bio dad lives in MD... I can tell you that I didn't have to break a sweat to get custody of my son. I knew what I wanted and I got what I wanted. You gotta be smart about the situation and watch what you say in front of the judge. Guys tend to lose their cool and look like jackass's in the court room. Social services will visit your home and his (if he has one of his own) and see where the child is better of living with. And I too got married and my son calls my husband daddy. You should never, even if some person you don't know is giving you a hard time, think negative. Don't look back at your past, look at your present cause that's what matters right now. I don't know you, but I'm sure your being a good mom. Hang in there, be strong.

Nichole - posted on 04/28/2009

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WOW i dont know if you all know eachother or your all just angry about something but here is some advice, i had two of my children out of wed lock and i have sole physical custody of them both yes he has to know of any changes in there life school, moving and so on. my last child was born when i was married but he was such a loser she is now 4 and has only seen her real dad maybe 4 times i also through our divorce have sole physical custody of her. as long as your childs father wants nothing to do with your little boys life its something he will have to have on his shoulder for the rest of his life and he can be the one to answere to him when your son is old enough to ask questions. my kids sure do !! keep a note pad of every time that he calls or your child does see him he will only help you in the long run. your kids will remember who was there for them when they were growing up and they will realize who the real dad is the one who helped raised them so no matter what the out come is i wish you the best!! Its a hard thing to go through and i dont wish it on any body. If you do know the girl who is giving you all the problems on here or she is your friend i would not let her revolve around you she has a negative attitude and what you need is positive attitude around you at this time . stay strong everything will work out.

Tiffanie - posted on 04/28/2009

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Ok this is what it sounds like to me, Jamie had a rough separation, and it was easier for her to walk away from the situation than it was to actually fight for child support/custody. I do however agree with her that as long as your husband is there, and your child calls him "daddy" or whatever, then wether you have joint or full custody it doesn't matter. However you living in one state and your ex in another, maybe sole custody will be easier to get. It just sounds like to me that you want your new husband to adopt your kid, and you would still let your ex see your son, which I think is a great thing for you to do after your ex treated you and your child badly. And yes, when a father ignores his child and doesn't help support the child he created, then yes the child was treated badly by the father, I don't care who you are. I see how Jamie is trying to help, but it just looks like and seems to me, that she wants you to walk away and if thats what you want to do, then cool, but if not then take the jackass to court! I know what you mean about wishing him well as a person, and again, thats great of you. But don't be chicken like Jamie to try and get some support. Now I said all this, however, like Jamie said, if your new husband wants to adopt, and your ex agrees to hand over his rights, then instead of fighting for custody and child support, go to court and let your ex hand over his rights, and let your new husband adopt him. Yes, you could get divorced in six months, but you can't think like that. You have to think about what is best for your child at this moment and hope that in the long run it was also the best thing. I am a very strong believer that a child should have a relationship with his father, but you can't make the father feel the same way. So here is my conclusion, haha, if you are in the near future having your husband adopt your child, then don't waste your time on custody. However if you aren't going to do this in the near future, then yes, take him to court try to get sole custody and child support. What is it going to hurt to try? Even if he gets joint, which I for one doubt (having him committed to the hospital every other day is not proof he's getting treatment, its proof hes not taking his medicine and has to go to the ER because he can't take care of himself), nothing will change because the father wont see him anyway. So really I think it wouldn't hurt to try. But whatever you do, don't walk away because you are afraid to try. Plus, you can call attorney's to try and set up a free meeting where you can go over your situation and they can tell you what they think. Good Luck!!

Jamie - posted on 04/27/2009

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Excuse me Melissa, she asked advice and I gave my opinion. And yes I maybe Bio dad doesnt want to see her. Maybe Bio dad has an issue with mom being married and moving on. So just as I dont know the situation neither do you. And as long as this is a public forum I will give any opinion I please if you dont like it dont read it and dont respond to it.



I just dont want someone to walk into something thinking they are going to get what they want because it seems simple, when its actually not. And if Bio Dad is so bad ignore him and let him do his own thing. Dont stir the pot, really do you think Mommom is just going to tell her son to not fight back, sorry all men listen to thier moms. I know in my case it was better to just let sleeping dogs lie. I had orignally filed for sole custody and dropped my petition to avoid causing more problems.

Mel - posted on 04/27/2009

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agree with Tiffanie, i cant give you any advice as ive not been in the situation but that first chik is being down right rude rather then giving advice wat right does she have to say that the bio dad doesnt see him because he prob doesnt want to see you? anyway just ignore people like that. they post for attention and to get peoples backs up so you ignore them and they move on, find someone else to insult and annoy that will fight back.

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2009

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well i just didn't know how sole custody all worked. my mom had sole custody of us and she didn't even have an attorney. I just figured anyone could get it. I have never done this before that is why I wanted advice.

Jamie - posted on 04/27/2009

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Sorry just think its dumb to complain about Bio dad if you dont care. Obviously you care, cause honestly there sint much difference between sole and joint custody. It has nothin to do with parenting time or who the child lives with. I just dont want you to get your hopes up that your going to get sole custody when the chances are slim to none. My daughters dad hasnt seen her in over a year and I still have joint custody, main reason, things are going fine and dont want to ruffle any feathers. If he wants to see her he has my number and my address and my email. She calls my husband daddy cause thats who tucks her in at night and thats who makes sure she is loved and has a roof over her head. A piece of paper saying sole custody wont change any of that.

Karen - posted on 04/27/2009

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How difficult it is to get sole custody depends on what state you live in. I live in Texas and right now my husband and I are separated and I have primary custody awarded from the judge based on proof that my husband is an adulterous ass who is negligent when *watching* the kids. However, I was informed by my lawyer and the judge that it will be extremely difficult to acquire *sole custody* of the kids in Texas because the state only allows it in extreme circumstances. 99.9% of the time they rule joint custody no matter what. And don't get me started on the hoops the state is requiring for me to get divorced from the asshole.



But basically, go for sole custody if you can, make sure you have paperwork from multiple (reliable) sources in regards to his unstable behavior and pain medication abuse. The state will automatically require the child's biological father to pay childsupport from the moment of birth up till the day his rights are revoked or signed over. Your husband cannot adopt your son until his biological father revokes his rights.

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2009

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I'm not sure why you are being so hostle towards me Jamie but all I needed was some advice from some ladies because I thought this was a link to talk to other moms. I am not disrespecting you so I would like if you didn't disrespect me. Thank you for both your comments.



I do have a problem with Bio Dad because he has NEVER been there. I would drive to let him see his son and also to pay for gas money so he could come see him. I have never kept him away from him. And for your information Jamie, Bio dad doesn't want anything to do with his son or take responsibilites when Gabryl is at his mommom's. He just comes for a little and leaves.



My mother in law also works in the legal system so I do know what I am talking about as well. I have not asked for child support. In my state when you are on assistance the state automatically takes the NCP to court for child support, so no I have never demanded it.



I really don't have a problem with his father as a person. He was the one saying he didn't want a kid and that he wasn't ready. I am not leaning one way or another. As in regards to him having something to do with his son, I have always encouraged him to see him. So don't twist my words. I do care about his dad as a person. I wish him well, he just isn't ready to raise a child. He often lives in his van and goes from 1 job to the next because he gets in fights.



I love my son and if later on he wants to see his real dad I will not stop him. I'm not that type of person.

Jamie - posted on 04/27/2009

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Tiffanie, sorry but all you did was back up what I said. That if she doesnt want to deal with father to not ask for childsupport and have stepdad raise the kids. And that father wont have to pay support once they are adopted. And yes sole custody is hard to get, hate to tell you, maybe you didnt catch the part where I said I work with the family legal system. Ive seen thousands of pages of people medical records, some parents even suicidal and they still allow joint custody. And its not as simple as walking into a court and asking a judge and him giving it. Some people fight for years and still never get it. And just the fact that Bio dad is going to the hospital for panic attacks show he is receiving treatment. So Sorry but you say I dont knwo what Im talking about yet you just repeated what I said in different words. She wanted advice I gave it.



Bottom line: If Bio Dad is so bad, go have Step Dad adopt them like she says he wants to. All problems will be solved.

Tiffanie - posted on 04/27/2009

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Ok, totally don't listen to the first girl. She obviously has no idea what shes talking about. Wether or not your new husband adopts your children, does not mean the father shouldn't pay child support. He is a father, he helped make the kid and he should help raise him. Not only that, getting sole custody isn't that hard. If you just go in and tell the judge the reasons why you feel you need sole custody and then just by saying that the father is not giving you any child support..BAM..its yours, and not only that the court will MAKE him pay you child support, and not only that he will be responsible for paying you back all those years you weren't together. I understand what you mean about having a father that is Bi-Polar, my child's father is also Bi-Polar. There is nothing wrong with people who have that disease if they are taking their medication regularly, which my husband didn't do when we were first together. Thankfully he does now and he is a great father. Also, the fact that your ex can't keep a job, that is also a big help in the sole custody battle. However, if your ex does give up his rights as his father, they are right, you wouldn't be able to get any money from him. However you can still file for sole custody and still receive child support. The only way the father does not have to pay child support is if he gives up his legal rights. If that makes sense. Giving up his legal rights and having sole custody are two different things. Also, with you being in two different states, proving he is unstable, you could show the judge the hospital records and how often he is going to the hospital, which there isn't anything wrong with someone having panic attacks, but if he is having them too often and can't control them, or doesn't get treated for it, just like Bi-Polar disorder, it is very dangerous for a child to be around. If I were you in all honesty, if your new husband treats your son way better, I would cut out the father altogether. I would raise my son to believe that your new husband is his father. Of course let him see his other grandparents, but as far as the father, nada. I would tell his grandparents that too, if you want to see your grandson then his father can not be present. Unfortunately sometimes you have to make the hard decisions to protect your child. If you need any other advice, let me know, I have a friend who went through this exact thing and shes a GENIOUS when it comes to this!! Good luck and i'm so sorry you had to go through this.

Jamie - posted on 04/27/2009

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Then solve all of your problems you stated above and take him to court to have your hubby adopt him. Then all of your problems are solved. And if you are going back to court because he is ordered support and not paying then you would have had to file for enforcement. My friend had DCSE help her get child support they dont help with getting it enforced.



And yes I will be rude about it. You never stated he was not being treated for panic attacks or bi polar, you just stated that he had them. And sorry, its just messed up to try and say that a parent shouldnt have kids because they have those. If you have panic attacks I hope you take meds everyday so no one will think you need your kids taken away.



Bottom line you have a solution to all your problems, just have your hubby adopt. So I can only see that either 1) Bio dad really wont get consent or 2) your hubby doesnt really want to and doesnt know how to tell you. I mean lets just say and Im totally just giving an example and not meaning anything by it. But say 5yrs from now you ahdn your hubby get divorced, guess what hes now respondsible for those kids whether he wants to or not. So until those kids are 18 he will have to pay childsupport.



And judging by your attitude towards Bio Dad I can understand why he only sees his kid when Mommom is around. He probably has to deal with you and worry about what you might be thinking is going on. This way he has someone to basically watch him while he sees his son. I think thats a good thing, maybe hes insecure about being a dad and messing up so he would prefer mommom be there to help him. But I can tell by your post you arent very supportive of your childs relationship with his father. Just remember, at some point you decided he was good enough to have sex with, so you choose him as your kids dad.

Amanda - posted on 04/27/2009

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Well excuse me but you really have no reason to be rude. For one thing you don't know what I've been through. I do have prove that he has problems with pills. I am not using his anxiety against him. He is literally at the hospital every single day claiming he's having a heart attack and the doctors have found NOTHING wrong with him. Yes being bi polar and not taking medication can be dangerous for your information. I have a brother that is bi polar.



Either way I did not come in here to insult anyone and if you took it that way then that is your fault. I was talking about my children's father. I wasn't the one that took my son's father to court for child support anyway, it was DCSE.



And by the way I have had panic attacks so I am not being judgmental. It seems to me that you are judging me without knowing all MY circumstances.



I won't be worried about the child support when my husband adopts them. And he has already agreed to give up his rights when I take him to court.

Jamie - posted on 04/27/2009

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Um first off, if your new husband is willing to step up and wants to adopt the kids then why the battle over childsupport. If he adopts you will no longer get any childsupport. Second, its very hard to get sole custody unless the other parents is 1) abusive, 2) alcoholic or druggie 3) gives it willingly. It is very very very hard ot get sole custody.



If you say he's bi-polar and has panic attacks, no offense a lot of people are and do and doesnt mean they cant be parents. If you were bi-polar or had panic attacks should you have your kids taken away? I have panic attacks and am a great mom. So dont count get on getting sole custody based on that. Anxiety is a very common disease in the US and Im actually kinda pist you try and use that against someone when its not something you can control whether you have or not. I wish people like you that try and make us feel bad had to have just one panic attack, just one, then maybe you wouldnt be so judgemental



And unless you have proof hes addicted to pain meds your not going to get anywhere with that. So as much as you may want sole custody doesnt sound like your going to get it. And if your hubby really does want to adopt your kids, quit worrying about the real dad paying child support and go start paperwork for the adoption, wouldnt that make more sense. The you would have custody and never have to worry about the real dads anymore.



PS. I work in the family legal system so I do know what Im talking about.

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