hard decision: leaving him

Lauren - posted on 06/17/2010 ( 5 moms have responded )

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For the first time in over a year, I am being totally honest with myself and my feelings; I am not happy. I have reached a point where I feel like I've given all I can to my relationship with Ben, only to see things stay exactly the same. I have been so caught up in the early memories of when we first fell in love, and keep telling myself that we'll get back to that point again. But the truth is, I don't think it's going to happen. The only reasoning I can give it is that this is who Ben really is, and who am I to try and change him? He is so passionate about anything and everything he does, especially work. And that's a great quality to have and I know he'll be successful in anything he applies himself to. The only problem is that he has never applied even half of this passion to his family or relationship with me. Throughout the course of our 18 month relationship, I have learned how selfish he can be; the example I always use is that if he were to cut a dessert in half for the two of us to share, he automatically gives himself the bigger half. Minor? Yes. But this selfishness is applied to nearly everything we do during the day. And his attitude makes it impossible to have a rational conversation with him.

I've reached my breaking point. I've talked to him upwards of a thousand times about my troubles, and it really hurts me to see no change. I couldn't imagine Ben coming to me with a problem, crying, and have no sympathy or willingness to change certain things to make it better. The more time I spend laughing with friends and family, the more I realize just how unhappy I am in my relationship. I can't remember the last time Ben and I laughed together. He is so wrapped up in work that important things to me, such as marriage, don't even cross his mind. But this is all making me realize that this really is just who he is, and because of that, I know there are little changes that can be made.

I'm not ready to throw in the towel just yet, and 95% of that is because of Lyla. My parents were divorced and I hated all the drama of splitting holidays and birthdays, so because of this I feel like it's important to do everything I canto make things work between us. But ultimately, this means putting my happiness aside. So the plan for now is to stay with my mom for a couple of weeks so I can think things through with a clear mind, instead of waking up aggrivated every morning because I was up all night with the baby with no help.I also plan to seek help from a therapist, in hopes to find new ways to deal with our problems, or to find the strength to leave.

Simply put, I am not getting what I need from this relationship, and his work obsession and selfishness has become too much to handle. Even though we have a child, I think I deserve to be happy too. And I really just have nothing left to give.

I am scared to do it alone, and would love support and shared stories about those moms out there who are indeed a single mom.

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Kathy - posted on 06/17/2010

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I feel for you, Lauren. I have found myself in a very similar situation. My husband of 1 1/2 years turned into a different person after we got married, and I find myself doing a very large majority of the child care and the housework. Simple things that I ask to be done (such as empty the dishwasher) go untouched, so when I get home from work, I have time only to get my daughter fed, bathed, and ready for bed before I then turn to making dinner for myself and my husband, and then cleaning everything up afterward. I'm even the sole breadwinner for the family. My husband seems to have no regard for the hours that I put in or how hard I work, even when I'm NOT at work. I need help.

I've been steaming over my situation for quite some time, and even though I know and can admit that I'm not happy, I struggle for the courage to do something about it. Good for you for taking steps to make yourself happy. That's what I strive to do.

I've thought about counseling. I have friends who have done this and who have said that it was a life-changing experience for them, but I'm having a hard time getting rid of that negative stereotype that comes along with it.

I also grew up with married parents- and they are still together today. That is also a huge reason as to why I haven't kicked my husband out yet- for the sake of my daughter. I hate the thought of her growing up without a daddy, and I know that he loves her, but then I also have the argument that it isn't fair to her to see or hear her parents fight every night, and lately, that's inevitable.

Anyway, I don't really have any advice to offer you, since as you can tell, I'm not at that happy place yet either. I hope that you get some comfort in knowing that you are not alone and that there are other moms who are in the same boat...

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Kristin - posted on 01/29/2013

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I'm in the same boat to an extent, I want out of my marriage because I'm miserable and depressed. My husband is a great guy, works hard, wants to adopt my daughter! But I am not in love with him and never was. He knows this and he also knows that I want out. But he wants me to stay for him, to see if, when I can go to therapy, helps me to get better. We argue periodically, almost everything he does drives me insane, and we are not physical in any way. He is the breadwinner, I work but I don't get paid enough to support my daughter and myself. I don't know what to do. Stay until I can save money to support me and my daughter or leave now and take the risk of moving a stranger into my house to help with bills??

Sorry, I have nobody to talk to, I've been keeping this to myself for about 4 years. My advice which would work for me as well I'm sure is go with your gut. Don't show your daughter an unhappy relationship because you'll be setting her up for the same. If he wants the relationship to work then he'd try harder. Wishing you luck and happiness!

Erin - posted on 06/17/2010

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I agree with Aura. Hun if your not happy and he doesn't agree to counseling to help with the marriage. its over.
I had to deal with a simular situation. although i wasnt married. i know what your going through. keeping your sanity and making sure your daughter is tended too is what counts. try and see if it works. if not. then it may just be time to start your life over and think of your daughter.

[deleted account]

I was going to post a reply but after reading what Aura wrote I just have to agree with her and I wish you all the happiness you deserve.

[deleted account]

I am not a single mom, but I do understand where you are coming from. I was raised by a single mom. Be thankful that you have a mother that is willing to help you, it will make it easier if you choose to leave.

Having said that, I also understand your respect for the sanctity of marriage. I think counseling is a great idea. I would also suggest counseling for the marriage. Tell your husband that you aren't happy and, if he wants this marriage to last, you feel that the marriage needs counseling. I don't know if this will work to get him there, but at least you will know for sure where his feelings lie. If he agrees, then he wants the marriage to work, if not, then he doesn't care and maybe that will make it easier for you to find the strength to leave.

Just remember, staying together for the sake of your daughter is noble, but may be worse in the end. You wouldn't want her to think that this is how relationships should be. She should grow up knowing that she deserves the best because Mom showed her how to find happiness, right?

Good luck and all the best!

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