He will have a family with me but not marry me.

Jamie - posted on 08/15/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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I want to get married to my old man because we are working on 4 years together and we have a son, but he is scared because of his last marriage. We already refer to ourselves as married and so does everyone else. I don't know if I should just give up on the though of getting married or what.

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Amber - posted on 08/23/2013

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Me & my "Husband" Have been together for 13yrs now. Not legally married. We have three wonderful kids together (One who is just three months now) We've talked about getting married one day. But, we both feel its the relationship thats important. Not the ceremony or title. It does bother me that my kids and me have different names. One day we will all match. I think you just have to be patient with him. His worry will ease over time. Its just a title. There doesn't have to be a rush if its already going to be forever with each other right?

TIA - posted on 08/20/2013

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IF THE NEED TO GET MARRIED IS PURELY AN EMOTIONAL NEED TO FEEL COMMITMENT THEN GIVE HIM A BREAK. WHEN A PERSON GETS INTO A CAR ACCIDENT THE BRAIN RECORDS THE EXPERIENCE AND RECALLS IT EVERY TIME IT RECOGNIZES A SIMILAR SITUATION AND FREAKS OUT. FOR EXAMPLE, A WOMAN CRASHED INTO A CAR AHEAD OF HER. SO FOR SEVERAL MONTHS EVERY TIME A CAR WAS IN FRONT OF HER SHE HIT THE BRAKES LONG BEFORE SHE WAS CLOSE ENOUGH TO BE IN ANY DANGER. WE REACT TO EMOTIONAL SITUATIONS THE SAME WAY. IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR WORTHINESS TO MARRY HIM. IF HE MADE A PROMISE TO HIMSELF NEVER TO MARRY AGAIN HE PROBABLY WILL NOT. HE ASSOCIATES MARRIAGE TO EMOTIONAL TRAUMA NOT A HAPPY COMMITMENT TO A LOVED ONE.

HOWEVER IF YOU ARE STRUGGLING WITH LEGAL COMPLICATIONS OF NOT BEING MARRIED FOCUS DISCUSSIONS AROUND THAT.

Hope - posted on 08/18/2013

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That's why I left my ex. My grandmother always says.... make a list of what u can and cant live with. Thats a good way to make your decision.
I would tell him how I feel.

Jodi - posted on 08/16/2013

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I don't know where you live, but in Australia, if you have been together for 4 years, then even if you split now, the only difference between being married and not married is that you would have to get a piece of paper saying you were divorced. Other than that, your property is community property (and your rights are the same as if you were husband and wife), your debt is community debt, child support obligations would be the same, and emotionally, you'd go through the same thing.

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Lori - posted on 08/19/2013

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I hate how one persons action can have so much power over anothers future decisions...i understand exactly what your going through ive lived with my significant other for over 4 years, he says he wont marry me because most marriges he saw ended in divorce and his ex cheating on him plays a big part also even though he wont say it i know he thought of marrying her, so now we have a 7 month old been together for years and he still cant marry me!!!!!!!! Come on just because she cheated and hurt him does not mean i will do the same after all these years how can she affect him? Why does she even matter? Iam nothing like her...i imagine thats why he is with me right? Im different than his ex who lied, cheated and hurt him...so why cant he marry me? I dont know... sorry i didnt answer your question just kinda felt like venting out, well im still with him hoping and wishing someday we will get married i do love him and sometimes i think he might not love me as much, ho hard is it to marry a person you have lived with for years and have a family with..........

Rachel - posted on 08/19/2013

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I'm in a similar situation. We refer to ourselves as married, have a young son, and have been together 6 years. He has never seen a successful marriage and worries about having to go through all the paperwork if we divorced. We agreed that we would only get married if one of our jobs offered outstanding benefits for the spouse, which is a non issue currently. We are in charge of each others health if something happens, and we love each other. There is something scary about the idea of marriage...it may not seem rational, especially if that person is willing to have a baby with you, but it is something people fear. You just have to work through it

Mechelle - posted on 08/19/2013

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im in his shoes, i'm married and working out divorce, child custody battle. i went down his when i called off my marriage and took the kids with me, ovibiously, ive been through thick and thin with emotions and trust over the past few year. my boyfrined is you, wants to marry me and have kids, mean while, i've had that already and the amount of trust i have now, well. i dont even trust my mom or dad, i trust no one, and expecially no man. i will never trust anyone ever again all from how people that once cared so much for you, made you lived through hell as a first time being married. and screws you up the butt with everything possible with your life and money along with legal. its a fear of going through all that again, and the next trust for any girl/ man, to come in his life after that.

i will never marry again, i will never do anything legal with my partner, speak for your old man, im fully commited, and see a future for sure, im extremely blessed i found this guy and wish i met him sooner, but i will not get married ever again, and he will never be able to marry me, its not him, literally its me, i cant do it, im too messed up from my ex husband. its no dis to you, just love him for even considering having a family with u, you get 1 out of 2 options, my bf gets 0 out of 2.

its from past betrayal, fear

Jamie - posted on 08/18/2013

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Well my parents were together for almost 30 years and never married. I'm really tired of having to change what I call him depending on who I am talking to like jobs and things like that. He also has epilepsy and I'm afraid that if something happens I won't get any say in what is going on. I know that he is one thing I can't live without because he and my son are my only family on this coast.

Mommy - posted on 08/16/2013

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If I were in your shoes,I would let go of the marriage talk for awhile and let him be the one to initiate it,maybe he will come around if he doesnt feel pressure. If he doesnt but still wants to be with you maybe you could try to be understanding and look at it from a different angle.After all,it is only a piece of paper,but I hope he does come around,it would bother me as well.good luck

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