HELP!!!!

Stefanie - posted on 06/18/2009 ( 6 moms have responded )

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I don't even know where to start. I joined this because I am engaged to a guy named "Paul" with two children. This is going to sound like a horrible situation and like he may be a dead beat dad, but he is really not. His kids are to two different women. An ex girlfriend "oopsy" 6 years ago, and an ex wife. The ex wife and I get along great for their daughter's sake. Thankfully, we are all tolerable of each other, work out "visitations" without courts being involved, and everything else. The mother of the 6 year old is only hurting their son. She is constantly bad mouthing "Paul" in front of him, not following the court order for times to see him, not working around "Paul's" swing shift schedule, gets wind of us taking his son somewhere fun and she does everything to try to ruin it. i.e. We planned our wedding on the weekend that we are to have him. Due to court changes since that time that the wedding was set, we had to change our wedding date due to her, since the weekends changed-and everything was set in stone, weeks before the wedding. She refused to let him be in our wedding. When he is with us, he cries that she makes him call her boyfriend daddy and makes him call "Paul" by his name. He has told us that if he refers to "Paul" as Daddy he gets yelled at and grounded. This devastates both "Paul" and his son. Since I know me saying anything to her would make matters 100x worse, I express my opinions to "Paul", but I am kind to her in person. I've never said anything bad about her in front of their son, to her face, or to her family/friends. I am always polite, making sure he has something to give her on Mother's Day, birthday, christmas, etc...whether it be as simple as a card or coloring page.



"Paul" is the type of dad who gives up overtime at work to spend with his son. He makes him promises and he keeps them. But I can see the frustration, and knowing that every minute is precious with him, we do our outings and "Paul" and his son do the boy thing. "Paul's" heart is broken everytime we go to take him home due to his little boy crying, saying he doesn't want to go home. It scares me sometimes because he's a male and he gets those thoughts in his head where he wants to act before thinking (nothing out of line...just verbal arguments with his son's mother...and not in front of him either.)



How can I support "Paul" in this time. I love this little boy with all my heart, but I lack the unconditional love of a parent (if that makes sense without sounding harsh). I keep telling him that his son will realize what his mother is doing, and he is going to need his father. I keep telling him that he is getting closer and closer to the age where he can choose who he wants to live with. But I don't know if I should keep reminding him of that, or if there is any other way to support him in this time of need.



His mother can be a good person. But she is the kind of person when she is being nice and accomodating, there is always a reason behind it.

6 Comments

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Stefanie - posted on 06/20/2009

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He's filed several contempts of courts, and she's received slaps on the wrists. I its said that courts tend to favor the mother, which is generally a good thing. There are a TON of dead beat dads out there. But it sucks for the guys like my fiance and all the other men out there who will do anything but be a dead beat dad for their kids. She seriously feels that she makes the law, not the courts. Recently, domestics/custody preliminaries don't even exist with them. They have been in court so many times that they go directly in front of the judge. I'm thinking consequences for her are finally coming. Don't get me wrong-I do not want it to get to the point that she doesn't get her son at all. Every child deserves a mother and a father. I don't know, I'm just rambling now.

Vicki - posted on 06/20/2009

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Unfortunately, there isn't anything you can do about her badmouthing etc... But if she is not allowing the father access as set by the court, that is a very bad thing, known as being in contempt of court. THAT you can do something about. Let the court know what is going on. They will be able to help with visitation.

Stefanie - posted on 06/20/2009

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Thank all of you. I think I've realized that I am doing all I can do. My man has been through several "girlfrieds" who had not been able to deal with all this that goes on with his children. However, I don't just "deal" with it, as I know this is a situation that I got myself into. I love him and his children to death. I just know that when I talk to some of my friends, they try not to be judgemental, but sometimes I can tell that they think I got myself into a "situation" that I need to get out of...

Laurie - posted on 06/20/2009

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In my son's 7 years of life, Ive learned the best thing is to let it go, dont ever bad mouth or say anyhting bad about his parent is front of him and trust me, as he gets older he will figure it out for himself and realize who the role models in his life are. :) but that is a terrible thing to go through, i know you feel helpless but everything will work out hun

Laura - posted on 06/20/2009

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It sounds like ur already doing it! You have accepted this man and his children, are civil and polite to his childrens mothers and even make sure that mothers day etc is covered! If your stepson's mother is not sticking to the times maybe go back to court? They have people trained to question a 6 yr old with the least amount of trauma possible. But with regards to support for your man, it sounds like you are already doing it!

Theresa - posted on 06/20/2009

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im sorry to say that there isnt really that much you can do to help this little boy but be there for him. and support your partner in anway that you can.

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