HELP, I AM COMPLETELY STRESSED OUT...

KeRashawn - posted on 05/18/2013 ( 14 moms have responded )

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I am a 20 year old mother with an 8 month old daughter. I recently found out that I am expecting another child. whew, stressful! Well, I can't say I don't have help, because I do. I have a fiancé who is retired military and he has a 4 year old from a previous relationship. I came in the picture when she was 1 1/2 years old. Well anyway, her mother is a dead beat. Leaving her father and I to do everything for her. I was the one that potty trained her, she's always at our house with us and she stays here for weeks at a time without even hearing from her mother. She has beautiful hair, but her mother doesn't want to even brush it so now its breaking off. Well, to go on with the story, my fiancé tells me that because he had to do so much for his first child because her mother was absent, he feels like a "weight" is lifted off his shoulders because I'm always here with my daughter and his. So with that being said, I just never get a break around here. Were down south so of course fishing is a big thing for him and he goes fishing while I'm left here with a headache and tired (because of the expected baby) and the two girls we already have. When he comes home I still don't get a break. I am basically crying everyday because I am so tired and my 8 month old is now so active that I cannot keep up. What should I do? I can't continue to keep stressing and handling everything without any help. This is tiresome, and he doesn't want to listen when I try and explain to him what's going on.

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Michelle - posted on 05/18/2013

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Maybe take off for a couple of days or just overnight. He needs to remember what it's like to have to do everything for the children again.
Tell him you need help as you aren't coping and if he won't help then you'll have to find someone to look after the children for a day or 2 so you can relax before the next baby comes along.
If he really won't listen then write him a letter. Tell him what you need to to do because men can be very dumb and not understand what they can do to help.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/20/2013

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I tell my husband that I do love my bio child and step daughter diffetently , but it doesn't mean I don't love my step daughter. He is actually very understanding with that and knows that I would never treat them diffetently even though I do feel a bond with my daughter that I have not yet been able to feel with my step daughter. I compare it to having nieces and nephews. I love my neice buy its not the same as the love I have for my child, and that's ok as long as one child does not feel unloved or treated differently

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/19/2013

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Well I have been in your exact shoes! I met my boyfriend , and and he a 3 yr old daughter . I was 20 years old at the time, and her mother got involved in drugs and the little girl came to live with us full time. I had no kids of my own , and all of a sudden became a sahm to his daughter. I now an 23 with a 16 month old and am 5 months pregnant with my second. My husband would go golf , stay up late, and I was the one making all the sacrifices on order for his daughter to be able to stay with us. I became so resentful that I gave up my youth for my his daughter and he was still living the life we shared before she came to stay with us. It got to the point where I felt resentful towards his kid and I knew then that something needed to change bc I wasn't happy and I could never form a bond with his child under those circumstances . I told him one day exactly how I felt and how I was leaving if he wasn't willing to make the same sacrifices I was in order for his child to live with us. I explained to him that I gave up a job I loved , I gave up late nights in order to wake up at 645 to take her to preschool, and I gave up a care free life bc I loved him and wanted What was best for his daughter. He has improved drastically and now the mom is back in the picture( even though she still will never win mom of the year awards). I still struggle with him sometimes , but I learned a lot of men will gladly hand off responsibility if you let them. I felt taken advantage of and it nearly destroyed our relationship. He's very grateful now and when I see him being selfish I promptly remind him that we're adults with kids and the word selfish can not be part of our vocabulary if we want our kids parented the way they deserve

Gena - posted on 05/19/2013

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I agree with Michelle.If you cant just leave for a night or two days ask him to atleast give you a two hour break everyday. Two hours where he looks after the kids and you can go lie down or do something you would like to do. Or instead og him going fishing he could let you have that time to relax.I hope you feel better soon.

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Christine - posted on 05/23/2013

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**********First off, you said he is your fiance? And that he won't listen to you explain how you feel? ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO MARRY THIS MAN??? Because that is not something to look forward to when you get married, because if he is this way now, he will be that way when you're married.********* THIS NEEDS TO BE ADDRESSED!!!!

2nd, you need to explain to him that you need a break just as much as he deserves a break. If he doesn't give you one, then, you need to take action. Plan something with a friend or family to watch your 8 month old for the day/evening/overnight, get that secured. Then when he is home with his daughter, say well I tried to talk to you about this and you didn't want to listen, this would have been a lot easier had you taken the time to listen, and leave with your baby and drop him/her off at whereever you made arrangements.

Moms NEED breaks TOO!!!

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/21/2013

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If you have that attitude everything will be fine. Don't expect the fairy tale ending where your so in love with your step child, but don't stop trying either. My step kid knows I care for her and I hope I do my best to not let her see the difference. I beat myself up about it too, but I'm human and as long as I try to do the right thing then I feel at peace with myself.

KeRashawn - posted on 05/20/2013

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Exactly how I feel. Of course the love is different because that is not a child I had on my own so I don't feel a natural bond with her. Its like im having to actually "learn" how to love her the way I do my child, but then with my child, it just came naturally because it was a baby that I carried for 9 months. I don't know, but I just don't want her to feel left out or feel some type of way of way or even notice that the love with her and my daughter is different.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 05/20/2013

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Step parenting is one of the toughest things I have ever done. When you have a child of your own, the love for them is so intense that all the sacrifices you make for them seems to not feel like sacrifices at all. I will be totally honest in saying I have not come to feel that motherly ,I'd be willing to die for you, kind of love for my step child which does make it harder to give up so much of my life to care for her. I work on it everyday and I pray for the love to come easier but it's been a struggle ( especially bc the way her father pushed all of the responsibility on me at the beginning). Some women find it very easy to love their step kids like their own and I envy them bc I honestly wish it came naturally for me. I make sure she is happy, protected, and never can see the struggles I have so I feel I'm doing my best

KeRashawn - posted on 05/20/2013

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Yes Danielle, and that is exactly how I feel. I feel like I am being taken advantage of and by me coming into this relationship when I was 17 going on 18 and his daughter was 1 1/2 years old, I kinda put my life on hold for them and became an ADULT when I really didn't have to. Taking care of motherly duties when I honestly didn't have to because she does have a mother but because her mother wasn't doing, and I was never raised that way. I was by my grandmother's house a lot with the younger grandkids and had to do for them what my grandmother couldn't. So that's why it was so easy for me to pick up where her mother left off because I had hands on experience. But after I had my daughter which is now 8 months old, he started telling me that I treat them differently. Which I told him if I do its not on purpose, but my daughter is something that I actually gave birth to so maybe it is differently, but its not to be rude or treat her bad. Its just because now I have my own daughter and it gets tiring trying to do for your kid and someone else's only because her mother doesn't step up to the plate to handle responsibilities. And her mother knows that what she doesn't do I will because I don't like kids walking around looking any kind of way. But its getting to the point where she doesn't even want to do anything. She doesn't want to bring her to school. If she sleeps by her mother's house, she barely goes to school she has probably missed like 20 days. She washes her hair maybe once a month. And its time I told my boyfriend if we are going to do things right without her mother interfering, then he needs to try and get custody of her. Its just so stressful!!

KeRashawn - posted on 05/19/2013

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right Gena. Especially with a 8 month old, a 4 year old, and another baby on the way. I feel so exhausted. I really appreciate having to talk to you because sometimes I just need someone to talk to so they could hear my story and not judge me and actually give me some real advice.

Gena - posted on 05/19/2013

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Its a pleasure.. I hope you could talk to him and that he gives you a break.I sometimes tell my husband to look after our son at home.Even if its just a half an hour that i can lie down or watch something on tv. Or tell him that since he gets the time to go fishing you also deserve to get that time for yourselve. Everybody needs a break sometimes and having kids is a 24hour job.

KeRashawn - posted on 05/19/2013

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thank you so much Gena. I really appreciate the post and you guys have helped me out a lot.

KeRashawn - posted on 05/19/2013

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You are absolutely right Michelle. I will try to write a letter because like I said, he doesn't want to listen and he expects me to be supermom, when I can just be as worn out as him.

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