Help I Need Advice!!!!!! Should I give up or continue to try???

Pamela - posted on 02/18/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My boyfriend and I began to have problems before our child was born. We often had issues with trust. I felt as though I could not trust him which led to me searching for proof of dishonesty. I have in the past found proof of possible cheating. We dated two years before the birth of our child. The first two years after our child was born was the worst with our relationship. He loves his daughter VERY MUCH! That is no question. However, the question is figuring out exactly where we stand as a couple. After I felt as though our relationship reached it's limit, I decided to end the relationship.

Despite our numerous conversation on working things out, it seemed hopeless. I was tired of feeling sad and not appreciated. I felt as though he had no interest in me. We never went out on dates, we spent no time together outside of our home, he hung out with his friends EXCESSIVELY, many times he would seem to leave as soon as I got home, and sex was always an issue because he felt it did not happen enough. There was a great level of disrepect that I could no longer ignore. These things led me to believe he had found interest elsewhere. He moved out and our break up was really bad, but after a couple of months we began to converse more and try to rebuild a friendship.

A year after the break up I asked about the status of our relationship. We decided to give it another try, but we still live separate. I still feel as though he is not 100% in the relationship. A part of me feels like he is hanging on only because we have a child together and he wants to work things out only for our child and not for us. I love my baby very much but don't feel like I have to be with the father because we have a child together. I feel like I want to give up but not too soon. Also, I am 31 and he is 29. He has mentioned that he does not want anyone else raising his child. Please give advice!!!!

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Christine - posted on 02/20/2013

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When you have the feelings that he's only hanging on because you have a child together, I think it is time you two talk. Communication is necessary to fix any issue in life, and without that you'll never get the answers you need to continue or move on.

One thing I've learned is to follow my gut. Sure, raising kids without being with their actual father all the time can be hard, but the arguing and discomforts of the relationship is harder on the child.

His feelings of him not wanting someone else raising his child is very normal. In the end, the only way someone else would raise his child is if he walked away entirely. He is the father, and will remain that if he chooses too. I am not with my children's father, and haven't been for years. He chose to no longer be in their lives and they have no idea who he is now. He always said he never wanted someone else raising them, but at the same time he didn't want to either so I walked away.

There are many tough days, but many more bright days. One thing I always dealt with was jealousy and worrying there was cheating. The moment trust is gone in a relationship, the relationship dwindles. Focus on your happiness, not his. You're all that matters to your child's future. Your child will respect you because you are in their life. They will also respect their father if he's in their life too. They won't respect you if you're unhappy, fighting and opening an environment of discomfort.

Sophie - posted on 02/20/2013

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There's no question this is a difficult situation for you and ultimately it's your decision what to do next. There are people who say a child does better with two parents than one but if those two parents are arguing and not in a good relationship it doesn't set a good example for your child. I know it's scary to do it alone but if you really want to be happy maybe it's best you to go your separate ways there's no reason he can't still be in your child's life. And as far as him not wanting someone else to raise his child that's no something either of you can control if you break up its a risk you both run. He could meet someone and it would become serious but the same goes for you. The only thing you should be thinking about is whether or not you want to be with him or not. I hope this helped.

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Pamela - posted on 02/20/2013

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Thanks for the advice. It is a very hard situation to handle because I know we both love each other and love our child, but I'm not getting everything I feel I need from the relationship. I guess I sometimes feel like that's selfish because he is a great father and provider overall and I just wondered if he could learn to be a great partner to me.

Its confusing because things are better now and we don't really argue but I still feel like something is missing (attention and true quality time towards OUR relationship). I don't want to waste my time in dead end relationship that may never really go anywhere. I have told him several times that we can be friends and don't have to be together to be good parents to our child. I guess I have been trying to keep the peace and not start confusion by bringing up the topic but I will definitely be letting him know how I feel. He doesn't bring up issues and will act like everything is fine. When I bring up an issue he makes it seem like I'm dramatic or just trying to get confusion started. That's not the case I'm actually just trying to get my feeling out and communicate to find a solution.

Lisa - posted on 02/20/2013

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There is nothing wrong with trying to make it work for your kids! NO MATTER HOW LONG IT TAKES!! We as mothers are used to making sacrifices for our children. This is no different. I have been with my husband since we were 16, we have gone through cheating, lies and everything else...I just look at is as I want my child to have both her parents even if it means I'm not happy. We as the parents decided to have her so its our job to make it work...even if it feels like you are the only one giving 100%! Your the mother! You do what you have too. Good luck

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