Help me to see the brighter side of things, please....

Mommy - posted on 03/07/2013 ( 2 moms have responded )

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Hello, I just joined, and I've been looking for somewhere on here that I could talk to other mom's that might understand some of the stuff I am going through. Every time I Google my different situations, I can't ever find someone with as unique a situation as mine... so it's tough feeling encouraged when all you feel is down.
This is my situation:
I'm 23, and I broke up with my ex-boyfriend in September of 2011. We have two daughters together, 2 1/2 and 1 1/2 years old. My oldest daughter has autism and it's rough going. She screams for no apparent reason at times- unless it's out of anger or frustration. She randomly goes to pull her sister's hair and claw at her, especially after her toys get snatched from her by my youngest. Then other times she's content and playing chase with the baby, as they both run around the living room, cracking up. I live for those moments, but they are few because my oldest has a hard time socializing with other kids, though she thrives when all my in-law family's children are here. I'm trying to find her therapy where we live, but so far, no luck. I do what I can for her at home, but it's hard when you juggle house work and caring for two at the same time to have one-on-one with her. She can't talk, but she LOVES to baby-jabber all the time. The only words she has randomly said are "Hi" (and waving with it), "ball", "bubble" (she loves bubbles), and I have taught her how to count to ten. She does it so clearly.
We now live with my boyfriend and his family 150 miles from my hometown of Sacramento. I moved for multiple reasons, knowing how it would be at least for the time being. The problem is this- it has turned into a longer duration than I came here for. I moved here in August of 2012 and have been here since, waiting for us to get our own apartment. There have been times I get severely claustrophobic in our bedroom, which we share with the two girls, that I have to leave for a week or two at a time with my daughters to stay in Sacramento with my parents or grandparents, just to get out of the house.
Our room isn't small, it's a fair size and fits all of us just right, but when you're there every day and night, besides the rest of the house, you get tired of it. I have to remind myself to be thankful that I have a roof over my head, because when I left, I had been evicted from the apartment my ex and I lived in, thanks to him up and leaving us in February last year with no prior warning to me whatsoever so I could get a job to pay the rent and bills. I made it to July without being forced out, thank God, and that was the same time that everything had worked out for me to follow my boyfriend back to his hometown.
He left the town we lived in to go home to where he was from because his dad was really sick with cancer and he didn't want to stay away any longer. Since he came back, though, he's the only one that is here 24/7, so he does most of the responsibilities for his dad, like doctor appointments, helping him shower, making his meals, helping him to the bathroom and bed, etc. In the house, we live with his mom and dad, his three other brothers, ages 18, 19, and 28, and one of his sisters, age 27. There's a total of ten of us. The house is a nice size, but like I said, we share a room with my kids. So there is little privacy for us, and we have to work around the schedule of the girls- like how I bought my first TV two weeks ago, and I STILL haven't been able to watch a movie on it for myself, because no time permits- the girls are either in there playing, watching their own cartoons, napping or sleeping. The sound and light would wake them up at night. If I try to watch something during the day, I can't focus on it (there's just no point trying), cause the girls will start fighting over toys, then it turns into screaming, and I'm constantly jumping up and down trying to prevent them from either fighting or getting into my stuff.
Another thing that stresses me out is the fact that his brother, the 28 year old, works graveyard, so by the time he comes home, he goes to bed, and I'm constantly walking on egg shells trying to prevent my oldest daughter from having her random screaming occur, or the fighting between the both of them, cause my boyfriend will get nervous and tell me his brother is sleeping. But I can't help it! They're toddlers! Toddlers do that stuff, and my oldest can't help it sometimes cause it's her autism. I get frustrated and depressed, because it seems like he only cares about making sure everyone else is taken care of, but he doesn't stop to ask me if I'm ok or try to understand from my point of view.
I have to shut the girls and I in the room if they're crying or screaming so they won't wake his dad or his brother up. He'll come and close the bathroom door when they're taking a bath in the evening cause the running water is apparently too loud and his brother is sleeping still, etc. I always feel so trapped when this stuff happens. The bathroom is right across from our bedroom door, and when people use it during the day, they open and shut the door so freaking loud, and the girls are right there in the room trying to take a nap. Sometimes it's what ends up waking them up before it's time, and that pisses me off, cause it's the only time of day I get downtime, and especially if I'm lucky enough to get BOTH of them down together. By the time night comes, and they're in bed, I'm so exhausted, I'M passing out! I can't even stay awake to do anything for myself, like read or go online...
We've been here longer than I thought we would. He still hasn't gotten a job (which he's hating right now, because he's worked since he was a kid in Mexico and wants his OWN money) because everyone else works or goes to college, so he gets left at home to take care of their dad. He thinks he can't get a job because of this, but that's not true, he can. There's someone here all the time besides us. Either his 19 year old brother or his mom on her days off, etc. But he doesn't trust the rest of the family to take care of him "the right way". He thinks only he can, cause he waits on him hand and foot- and to be honest, the dad CAN do things without the help he gives him, like walk to the bathroom and back.
He wants to work and get out of the house once in a while, cause there are days he gets so overwhelmed and frustrated, but he just doesn't want to cut the cord and look for a job. He's so nervous about leaving his dad with everyone else. We keep reminding him that they were able to do it before he got here last summer, and that they could do it again if it meant he was out working. Everyone is trying to encourage him with this, but I don't know. It seems like he's leaning more towards finding work, but he's not doing it ACTIVELY. We have to have his history of paychecks to show when we move out, otherwise we'll have to wait for that, too. And he wants to move out. He's never been one to stay at home with his family. When he was around 20-21, he moved to Sacramento on his own and lived with other guys from his jobs for years. He's 32 now and living with his family again makes him crazy, but he does it to take care of his dad.
I hate myself sometimes, because I feel like he puts his dad first before anything else, including ME. I left my hometown and family and followed him down here so we could be together, without him asking me to, and he still won't help us out as a couple and give us the opportunity to move out. Everything is about his dad, and I feel guilty for thinking childish like that. It's not jealousy, I'm just plain tired of it all. He's got lots of siblings and his mom that can take over again so we can move out and he can work, and he keeps putting it off. His dad is in remission at this point and doing ok, better than he was when we came here, but he won't cut his ties to him. We would be two exits down the freeway- literally 5-7 minutes away from their house. But first, he has to work so we have proof of income. I already got my tax refund and I have a few thousand dollars saved in my savings account that would pay for our down deposit AND 3-4 months rent!!
I guess all this is just to share with you how utterly at a loss I am... I don't know what to do.... I have no where to go back to in Sacramento. My brother and his wife can't accommodate me and two kids, though they'd love to if they could. My mom and dad live in a Senior park with an age limit, as do my grandparents as well. I have no friends I could move in with, and my credit is in the garbage from when I was 18 and got ahead of myself with my credit card. And thanks to my ex, now the apartment is on my credit report, too, for a $1,400 debt. I'm on welfare (since 2009 when I got pregnant), and it's not enough to pay rent and bills with on my own, plus the expenses for my children (their dad has a child support order, but doesn't pay it. He got off easy with only $180 a month owed TOTAL for the both of them because he "doesn't have an income"- works under the table).
I just wish I could meet someone who is in a similar situation as me so I wouldn't feel so alone.
When I call my parents, I only talk about everything else, I never complain or share my feelings on this with them, because I don't want them to get upset or worry. My mom doesn't need any more stress than she already has- she's got MS (stage 2).
I love my boyfriend dearly, and he really is a hard worker, and loves to work, but with what's going on with his dad, he won't work. What's more important? Taking care of us and starting our life together (we've almost been here a year), or staying here depressed in that room and not trusting the rest of your family to help equally. The point was to come here and help. We HAVE helped, myself included with house chores for his mom. But now it's time for us, too. The girls need their own room(s), and we need time for ourselves.
Even being intimate is difficult cause the walls are easily heard through and the girls are there in the room sleeping. If we make too much noise, they'll wake up crying. I'm more of a verbal person when it comes to sex, and it's such a mood killer when you have to force yourself to stifle that or when the kids wake up fussing and crying.... :(
I've been so stressed with everything I wrote here, that I've even started having slight chest pains at times. It scares me, because I've never had that. But judging how my life has gone since I was 18, I can see how it's added up.
I know he wants the same as me, and he hardly ever lets on that he does, but with everything I have to deal with, like having to control my kid's crying because of sleeping family members, or imprisoning ourselves in the bedroom to avoid disturbing anyone, and his joblessness/obsessive need to be around his dad who is doing FINE. I have understood him and been sympathetic, and put aside my wants and needs for over 7 months now to help him and his family out, but as time goes by, I am finding myself more and more losing patience and becoming resentful because I'm giving and giving and he's not doing and percentage on his own for me. Talking to him about how I feel does absolutely no good, other than make him more stressed and he just sits there with this half smirk on his face as if he disagrees with me or thinks I am wrong. I ask him to tell me SOMETHING, but he just says in response, if he tells me anything, I'm just going to get mad or upset. In other words... I'm not going to like what he says. Seriously?
Why can his family share my view on all of this and support what I feel, but not HIM!?
Please... someone help me feel better about this... I feel so letdown right now for everything I've done for him...
;(

2 Comments

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Mommy - posted on 03/16/2013

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Thank you, Shanita. It really meant a lot to me your comment. I think my favorite part was when you said to remember God blessed me with the ability to have children and be a mother. That is very true. My own sister can't and will never be able to birth her own child. She has adopted two very adorable and beautiful babies- Quint, 5, from Ethiopia, and Keira, 3 1/2, from China. I am very grateful I can have children, and that is intensified through my sister... Thank you for your prayers. They are needed and much appreciated ♥

Anita - posted on 03/10/2013

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WOW hun that is rough for sure. I do not know a lot of what I can help with but I am going to give it a try. Alicia my god daughter was given to me at sixth months it was hard because she was not meeting the development of the stages she hit. I sound found out that she had down syndrome which only lead to us being in and out the hospital she had to have surgery when she was two and it was bad I never been so scared. I was broke not working a signal mother of a child I pretty much felt like I knew nothing about,. I tried my hardest to be a perfect mother to her up until the day she passed away at age three. This whole time I was dealing with a break up and off and on relationship. You are not alone in this I now have my other god daughter Angel who is amazing but we are running test for autism and other issues because she is just not the same as other kids. I am deeply sorry that you are going through this I hope and pray for you and your family God is Good and please remember that when times are hard. I know its not always easy. Trust me. Do your best to remember that God blessed you to have children and to be a mother each and every day. Hugs and I will keep you in my thoughts tonight as I sleep.

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