Help! My kids are ripping my heart out!

User - posted on 06/19/2009 ( 20 moms have responded )

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My nine year old son and seven year old daughter are at their dads for summer vacation. I have custody and when they are here with me they call their dad everyday and are always saying how much they miss him. They have been there for two weeks now and have called me once and I call them everyday. Sometimes I can hear them saying they don't want to talk when they are told I'm on the phone. And when I tell my son I miss him he won't answer me and switches the subject. I just got off the phone with him and he did the same thing again. When I pressed him further he said well I don't want to lie to you and I don't want to hurt your feeling either but I don't miss you. It crushed me. These kids are my life and I have done everything for them since they were born. We have always had a super close and loving relationship.Their dad just came back in the picture a few years ago after years ago after never seeing them and never helping to support them. He gives them everything they want and buys them things I can't afford because I have been a single mom struggling for years! I don't know what to think but I feel like I'm losing my kids! Help me please!

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Lara - posted on 06/19/2009

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hi i don't know if i can help as i my daughter is only 1 so haven't gone though this but when i was younger me and my brother was brought up by my single mum we used to stay with our dad on summer holidays as well.i know that when i was younger i did sometimes take my mum for granted and was a lot nicer with my dad and my brother was the same. now we are older me and my brother have talked about this and both said that we knew our mum was always going to be there for us as she always had been but i dad was not always around so didn't want to upset him as we was scared he wouldn't stay around. i'm sure your children love and miss you but when your young having fun and getting what you want all the time you think its better, but i'm sure just like me and my brother did when they get older they will realise that you have and always will be there for them. i'm sure its hard for you i would feel just the same. just hold on to the times when you were close and i'm sure you will get them back again. i hope this has helped abit. take care x

Veronica - posted on 06/19/2009

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Your son is probably feeling like "the man" right now because he's around another male, and its his father -- my brothers did the same thing when they were little too -- then it his puberty, and my dad didnt give a crap - they felt lost and embarrassed that my mom had to explain it to them. My dad sugarcoated too -- but soon we found out what kind of person he really was -- my brother moved in with him, and as soon as he step foot in the door, everything was stripped from him - privalges, he even had to pay rent (he was 15/16!) Then finally my dad told us he didnt want anything to do with us anymore cause we were only there to get money from him - the bastard! So-- long story short- it may be all roses now (and maybe the dad isnt all that bad) but your biggest thing to focus on is the aftermath when your children get home. Focus more on how to open up with them in case you need to comfort them. A lot of my family had gone through divorce too -- and in the end, the kids stuck to the parent they knew truly loved them and took care of them. Dont fret - take this time for yourself - and just pray for guidance, and for your children. Take care! -Veronica

Erin - posted on 06/19/2009

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Ashley that is so hard. I wish there was an easy answer for you. My girl friend deals with a similar situation and I'm scared of having to deal with it too. What I know from being raised by divorced parents and watching others is that the responsible parent is always made to be "the bad guy" while the kids are young. They are going to respond to gifts and getting what they want, it's natural. But know that doing the right thing for them is going to last longer. When they are older they will know how much you love them and appreciate it. Not that that makes right now any better :( I'm sorry you are hurting, I wish we didn't have to go through times like this. Be strong and keep smiling.

Regina - posted on 06/19/2009

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the kids are still young so dad trying to buy their love seems to be working, but this will be the same dad that disappears when things get rough or intense...So have patience....There aren't really supposed to know how much they love you and appreciate you until they are grown....it's a twenty year investment before you can zsee what you've got!

You are the mother and take care of them, they will see that, just don't tear yourself up over it...they are well occupied and bought for the moment....you don't want to be that ind of parent do you? That buys your children....Stay strong and they will love you for it when they mature their point of view....MWAH!

Pam - posted on 06/19/2009

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The dad popping back in the picture is like a new toy, and your like the old one. My mom use to have this problem when my dad would come and get us, not often, and of course to probably seem cool he is allowing them to do things you probably wouldn't. Don't feel too bad, know that no matter what you are their mother and they love you. Take this time away from them to do something for yourself, when you don't call, then they'll notice, "Hey mom hasn't called, we should call her" Give them some time to miss you. I know its hard, but you'll get through it.

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[deleted account]

I didn't read the other replies, but as hard as it is, try not to worry. Being with their dad sounds more like a novelty. He's not seen as the 'rule enforcer,' the one to make them do chores, stuff like that. But that also means he's probably not the one they run to when they really need help. Let them enjoy their stay- they will be glad when they come home. And whether they say it or not, they really do miss you- you're their mom! Good luck! : )

Morningstar - posted on 06/22/2009

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I was a single mom for years. There dad cam into the picture whenever he fel like it. Now he is on there life regularly. My kids would cop attitude with me whenever they come home from his house. They would have all sorts of silly toys or expensive clothes. My key advice to you is don't stress it!!! Remember they are just kids. Don't complain in front of them or even say anything negative about there dad. (ITS HARD) Your kids are going to get older and are going to realize on there own that you did everyhting for them and sacrificed so much for them. I promise your relationship will get better with time. Right now dad is a novelty that they enjoy. Dont stress to much!!!

Nikki - posted on 06/22/2009

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kids eh.. they do love you... its always hard when your left behind and anyone is away cos they are too busy to miss you and hes prob making sure of that... Where you prob encourage your kids to talk to their dad, hes obviously not doing the same.. try to ride it out, itd break my heart too so i sympathise but im pretty sure youll come out on top with your kids when theyre a little older and realise everything youve done for them..

I hope things get better for you soon x

Laura - posted on 06/20/2009

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hi, like u said, u are there all the time, and if they only see their dad at hols etc, it's a novelty? Plus when they go to daddys they get bought loads (not right but kids don't think like that) so its even more like a holiday, where they get spoilt! very different from everyday life! Your kids know that u are always there for them, and like someone else said your son is growing up and maybe wants to impress his dad? if he's not been around maybe theyre afraid that he'll disappear again? If you are worried that ur ex has been influencing them, keep ur eyes and ears open, but I wouldn't advise confrontation unless ur sure! take care

Gina - posted on 06/19/2009

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well think about this way, them not missing you means you've been a good mother. that you've been there so much for them that when they have a little time away they know that you'll always be there when they come back. just give them some room, give them a chance to miss you. and in the mean time pamper yourself. you sound like avery good and on hands mom. you deserve time to yourself.

Tamika - posted on 06/19/2009

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I am the product of a broken home. So I understand what youare going through because my sister and I did the same thing to our mother.Your children are very smart, they know dad is trying to buy their love and they are letting him. Dont take it personally Like Erin McPhee said, kids love the parent that spoils them rotte more, until they notice the broken promises, and daddy learns the word no. I am the oldest and I realized daddy was buying our love around 11. So just hang in there, If the kids dont they dont call, you should enjoy the time you have for yourself while the kids are gone. Not worry if they still love you. Your their mother and you gave them life, all the toys in the world cant top that.

Heather - posted on 06/19/2009

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~They may act like that now, but months from now, they'll realize you're the one that works hard for them. They are acting like that because their father gives them whatever they want. He doesn't realize that he's hurting you in the process. Yes, it may feel good for him to buy them whatever they want but he needs to realize that he's hurting you at the same time he's doing for them. Sooner or later, they'll realize how much you do for them. But don't think they don't love you because I'm sure they do. They just don't know how to show it. Just keep doing the same things that you're doing and don't give up!! Just remember that they are the most important people in this world to you and don't let anything change that. I mean NOTHING!!!

~Heather~

Jackie - posted on 06/19/2009

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maybe too, since their dad hasn't been in the pic for that long. maybe it's still kind of new and fun for them. and maybe they get to do things there that they haven't with you. kids are different with each parent. it's not that they don't love you. think of it as a new adventure for them and they're just having some fun. don't take it personally, kids are kids.

User - posted on 06/19/2009

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I think you are right about him distancing himself. He started that a few months ago. Like not wanting hugs and kisses anymore, especially when people are around. But he still comes up to me every so often and hugs me and tells me he loves me. Guess I'm just going to have to deal with him growing up and cherish those little moments, however few and far between they might be. Thanks!

Amanda - posted on 06/19/2009

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Also remember (along with the points already brought up) that with your son, he's getting to that age that girls (and Mommy is a girl) aren't cool and so he may just be entering that phase and already trying to distance himself for that reason. Just remember that the kids are with you all but a couple months of the year and kids always get tired of their parents (the ones that are always there). Since the father isn't always there it's gonna take longer for them to pull away from him. I hope I said that so that it makes sense, basically I don't think it's anything to worry about and they will grow out of it. I'm thinking it's just a normal phase.

User - posted on 06/19/2009

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Dina, thank you for taking the time to respond. You made very valid points. I am probably being over-sensitive, but my kids are my whole world. I will definitely try it. Thanks again!

Lara - posted on 06/19/2009

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hi i don't know if i can help as i my daughter is only 1 so haven't gone though this but when i was younger me and my brother was brought up by my single mum we used to stay with our dad on summer holidays as well.i know that when i was younger i did sometimes take my mum for granted and was a lot nicer with my dad and my brother was the same. now we are older me and my brother have talked about this and both said that we knew our mum was always going to be there for us as she always had been but i dad was not always around so didn't want to upset him as we was scared he wouldn't stay around. i'm sure your children love and miss you but when your young having fun and getting what you want all the time you think its better, but i'm sure just like me and my brother did when they get older they will realise that you have and always will be there for them. i'm sure its hard for you i would feel just the same. just hold on to the times when you were close and i'm sure you will get them back again. i hope this has helped abit. take care x

[deleted account]

Hi,

Is it likely that your ex is putting ideas in their heads?

Kids have a nack of being very blunt - perhaps they are just enjoying themselves alot since they haven't had a lot to do with him in years, especially your son who is at the age where he probably really wants a father figure.

Dina - posted on 06/19/2009

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hey, well that feeling is probably one of the most horrible feelings as a mom and i am so sorry you have to hear it, but better to know he told you than sit there and avoid the whole issue. Now i may not know your situation and i dont want to come off rude, but did you ever think maybe the dad might be filling them up with information pertaining to you and its causing the kids to feel like ugh not mom again. OR they may feel that it was you who held them away from their dad and they dont seem to find a reason why their dad wasnt around, since he buys them things of course they are going to love it there...The dad is buying their love and attention, but i bet if a SERIOUS situation was to happen they would go to you. Remember not everyone can talk to family about things. Just stay strong and dont let them know it hurts you, but if it gets to the point where you feel like ok, these kids are crossing the line then tell them. If things between you and i are going to turn sour than maybe its best you don't go to your dads. I mean it might sound mean but you do have to put your foot down on how you are to be treated and spoken to as a parent, you know? Like show them ok your with your dad fine i'm glad, but i am mommy and i have been there for you so i would like to keep in touch. If not dont call and let them be. I know i wouldnt call my mom much when i went to my dads...i felt there was no need to since i am over there with my dad you know!? well good luck, hope you feel better about everything, if i helped, sweet...if not damn i need to work on my people skills LOL

Dina - posted on 06/19/2009

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hey, well that feeling is probably one of the most horrible feelings as a mom and i am so sorry you have to hear it, but better to know he told you than sit there and avoid the whole issue. Now i may not know your situation and i dont want to come off rude, but did you ever think maybe the dad might be filling them up with information pertaining to you and its causing the kids to feel like ugh not mom again. OR they may feel that it was you who held them away from their dad and they dont seem to find a reason why their dad wasnt around, since he buys them things of course they are going to love it there...The dad is buying their love and attention, but i bet if a SERIOUS situation was to happen they would go to you. Remember not everyone can talk to family about things. Just stay strong and dont let them know it hurts you, but if it gets to the point where you feel like ok, these kids are crossing the line then tell them. If things between you and i are going to turn sour than maybe its best you don't go to your dads. I mean it might sound mean but you do have to put your foot down on how you are to be treated and spoken to as a parent, you know? Like show them ok your with your dad fine i'm glad, but i am mommy and i have been there for you so i would like to keep in touch. If not dont call and let them be. I know i wouldnt call my mom much when i went to my dads...i felt there was no need to since i am over there with my dad you know!? well good luck, hope you feel better about everything, if i helped, sweet...if not damn i need to work on my people skills LOL

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