Help!!! My mother in law is ruining my marriage! and my husband doesn't even see it!

Jenny - posted on 03/01/2012 ( 16 moms have responded )

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I have been married for 3 years and have a 2 yr old son. My mother in law has never like me, and for no particular reason I can figue out. She didn't really raise my husband (she left him at his grandparents house 5 nights a week and was "working" an hour away from their home and staying in a motel- which really means having an affair....) Anyway, a lot of people feel like she probably thinks I have taken her only son away and this is why she has an issue with me- BUT she never has been close to him and in fact, from what I can tell he has tried again and again to form a solid bond with her and she just doesnt give him the love in return.....well my husband doesnt take up for me or my family when she says horrible un-true things about me and my family (petty things like name calling). I am 27 years old and work as a registered nurse. I have never cheated on or been bad to my husband in any way. I work hard and my main passion is my son. I even live across the road from my husbands 87 yr old grandmother who raised him and we are the main two ppl who take care of her/ check on her. I'm not trying to say I am a saint but I am a good wife and a good mother and there is nothing about me that should cause her to HATE me and my entire family the way she does. Well, she has pushed me past my limit more then once and recently things have gotton so bad that I am hurt by him because I feel like he puts her above me and for what reason? If they argue, he takes it out on me and tells me all these things she has said about me ect and this is why i know- then begs me not to call her out on it and keep the peace. I would never allow someone to disresect me and not take up for myself and esp not my family. She has recently quit talking to me at all and actually told my husband that because of me she was not going to talk to him or my son any more- which he blamed me for?!!!! Well now she tries to get my husband to bring my son to see her without me coming- and if she is at her moms across the road from me she has saw me and my son out playing in the yard and not even WAVED at him- and for this I have told him she is to no longer see him. I feel like this would hurt him if he were a little older and understood what she was doing! I am not doing this to be mean to her but to protect him. IDK if this is the right thing to do and need help and advice!!!

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Kelina - posted on 03/01/2012

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I can only tell you what I'd do in you situation and I'd leave. When you got married he vowed to put you above everyone else. You became his family. When you had a child, that should have strengthened your bond. Chances are, your hubby is having a hard time knowing how to deal with things since he didn't exactly have a normal example growing up. It took me having our minister talk to my husband and me leaving for him to get his act together and put me and our son before his mother and sister. she doesn't sound like a good influence on your hubby or your son. He needs to see that before he wrecks your marriage.

Chris - posted on 04/23/2013

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So, it sounds like she's jealous of you, and trying to compete. And, she's using your husband as the mediator, knowing it will cause tension. She's a troublemaker, and she says these things to your hubby knowing it'll get back to you. If she's in the yard across the street, I would still wave, every time. Don't call her out on anything she's said to your husband, because then she knows she's accomplished what she's set out to do, which is make you feel bothered. The next time you see her, after you've waved, tell her "We saw you at Great-Grandma's, and we waved, but you must not have seen us. This is the second time we've seen you, and you didn't see us. Have you gotten your eyes checked lately?" When she wants to see your son, take him over, and be super nice. When you walk in, make sure you greet her, and if she says nothing, say something like "Grandma's hearing must be going too. You look great! Did you do something different with your hair?" Always remain calm, happy and in control. This will drive her crazy. Whatever you do, don't leave your son alone with her. If she has ill feelings for you, she may do something stupid, either by saying bad stuff about you to him (or to someone else, where he can hear it), or worse, be mean to him.

My in-laws are similar to yours, but they live in another state. They don't speak to me at all, and never send cards for my daughter's birthday or Christmas, no gifts. They're rude to me with nasty, snarky comments when we have seen them. Initially, I held the stance that I would take the high road, and ignore it. Doesn't work, or at least it didn't with them. So, on my last visit, I was super nice, but made sure to respond appropriately to where they know that I'm not putting up with their BS. My SIL, who is a supreme troublemaker, blocked my husband and I on Facebook because she is still friends with his ex (whom he caught cheating on him, and divorced her. She's been very bitter about it ever since, and 15 years later, does whatever she can, to include turning his children with her against him, and now his family). She came outside when I was outside with my daughter, and looked upset. I asked her if everything was ok, and she said she was mad that her son had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend, who she didn't like. I asked her why, she seemed very nice, and she said "Because she cheated on him!" I looked at her intently for a second, and said "I don't understand. That doesn't seem to be an issue with John's ex, who your still good friend's with." And, then I felt my daughter's diaper, and said "Uh-oh, somebody's soaked!" And, I walked inside, not giving her the chance to respond. I also made sure to send lots of photos from her B-Day party, especially pics with my sister, my parents, friends and the gifts they gave her, captioning everything with "Thank you Grandma, Grandpa, and my favorite Auntie and Uncle for the best party and some super gifts! I am so lucky to have a wonderful family like you guys!" My MIL, who's a real gem, recently told my husband she hasn't seen any photos of our daughter. Mind you, she lives with my SIL, and uses her Facebook to communicate with other family members, and I know this because his son told me he talks to her on Facebook via my SIL's account. So, I printed off some pics, and enclosed a card that said "Hey Joan! Here's some recent pics. Sorry I didn't send them sooner, but I send all my pics via Facebook to my family and friends. For some odd reason, I can't seem to find Laurie's (my SIL) so I can keep you guys updated. Maybe she blocked me, ha ha! Technology is a funny thing! Hope you're well! I'll send more pics when I get the time!" These are the same people who don't send cards, gifts or even make a phone call to my daughter and I. But, the minute it's their birthday or Christmas and the card doesn't come on time, they'll call my husband and say "Where's my card?"

You just have to be creative when dealing with people like this. Never let them know that their asinine behavior bothers you, and whatever you do, don't leave your son alone with her. I've made the decision that my daughter will never be alone with any of them. Because if they can't be decent and respectful to you, whose to say they'll be any different to your children?

Jessica - posted on 12/26/2012

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I can't stand my mother in law. I can't help to wonder if she is bipolar. She has my husband wrapped around her finger. He gives into her games so bad. He puts her first over our children and me. He has been so hurtful in soooo many ways. He falls for her guilt trips so bad. I am really thinking about divorce. He might as well go marry his mom. My husband is a soldier. He has TBI, wont admit to the PTSD and I really think he might be bipolar like I think his mom is. He tries to blame everything on me. He says I try to start shit when it is him. Sometimes I try to discuss stuff but he wont talk about issues that need to be discussed. That's when he really says I am trying to start shit. We are visiting family at christmas time and he such a compulsive liar to everyone. He is trying to act like someone he is not. I just wish people could see through him.

Kristal - posted on 03/02/2012

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STOP!!! I know this may sound strange, but -don't involve your husband by trying to make him see what your mother in law is doing. In a sense, he is blind by the love he has for his mom. So, don't do that instead..... you have to confront her by talking to her one on one and he doesn't need to know any thing about it.

Watch this movie: Monster In Law

You'll see what I'm talking about!

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Kayla - posted on 11/13/2012

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I have a simular problem but the difference is its my mum & for some reason although she makes me feel like crap I continue to see her quite regulary, Ive decided to try n put a stop to it & limit visits but's it's very difficult as she is manipulative n makes me feel guilty. I have had make this decision myself & realise what was happening & how it was effecting myself, children & partner. The more my partner told me how bad she was etc the more I would get angry at him & go to her more because it then felt like he was trying to controll me I no its silly but I did. Its been a major strain on our relationship I think him saying a few things every now n then was good because it made me look at the relationship with my mum but sometimes it just felt like he was having a dig & coz he didnt like her I wasnt alowed to see her, he never has stopped me seeing her but has many times said he doesnt want the kids too & I am a stay at home mum & he is away for 5 days a week due to work so it made it very difficult. Ive decided that I need to become more independant & i do not need her for help or her approval if she's upset about it its not my problem I would however like the children to maintain a relationship, I just need to be able to have the strength to leave or to tell her to go when I dont like what she is doing, I want to see how this goes & if it doesnt work then the next step is to cut off all contact with her that way i wont fall back into her manipulation & control.

Bethany - posted on 03/04/2012

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hunnie im in the same boat as you. my husband is air force n we are stationed in his hometown and his family drives me nuts...we are driving for orders =[ you have to put your foot down and pretty much say me n the baby your new family that you choose! or your family. he will and should stand up to his mother!

Ashley - posted on 03/04/2012

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Your husband needs to seek counseling, he has issues with women that started from the fact that his mom was never around. It's sad, I dealt with it with my husband when we first got together, his mom was a single,young mother(Only she did actualy work) So my husband was left with a babysitter most of the week. When I met my husband he did not trust me and thought I would abandon him the same way(For another man) it took 3 years for him to realize I was with his for the long haul so there is hope. He has to realize not all women are the same. The fact that you love him and are trying is a good start. Its hard, no matter what you want a relationship with your mom no matter how badly your mother has messed you up..If it makes a difference my husband and my mom don't see eye to eye but they tolerate each other for me and the bottom line is I made the commitment to my husband, him and my child come before anyone else.

Stifler's - posted on 03/04/2012

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He's wanting the affection and approval from her that he never got. I would tell him that if he doesn't STFU about his mum I am leaving. I told that to my husband a few years ago. I come first, our relationship comes first our kids come first and we are not going to say how high when she says jump.

Dekota - posted on 03/03/2012

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My husbands sister and brother are like that. The day I went in labor his sister called me and told me to keep an eye on him BC he has a bad temper and can't handle kids.. (who says that??) Lol but coming from a "mother" who left her daughter with the father to move 6 states away to fulfill her long distance relationship.. she then invites herself to our house and proceed to tell her bf that we dont have food! (I went shopping just for the we had so much food we had to put the extra on the fridge and in the closet and they knew where every thing was) after she says that out loud she proceeded to complain about MY dog.. BC she brought hers with her... mind u this is all in one visit, she tells me I feed my daughter at 'stupid' times she shouldn't be drinking juice, and when my daughter puked on her (most babies with acid reflux do this lol) she got MAD, she is very lucky I was not home.. she made me so uncomfortable I had to leave. When i finally came home she tried to act like nothing happened and so did I, but then I hear her talking to my hubby telling him to leave me and move back with her!!!!! R u f'ing kidding me. I simply asked her if there was an issue and she started to scream and yell and tell me to leave or go to bed is she freaking kidding me??? I then told her this is my house and if she doesn't like me or my parenting she may leave and never return I don't want someone like that around my daughter.she has yet to txt or call my husband and that is fine with me. She has tried many of times to get me to leave her brother and i told her no so i guess she took an alternitive aproche, lol the only advice I have for u is confront her and see how that goes, if she gets loud remember ur that little boys mom and u don't need to put up with her nonsence. If ur hubby wants to talk to his mom tell him he may but ur son isn't going, I don't restraint my husband from his sister and brother but I don't promote it either.lol

Tara - posted on 03/03/2012

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my ex's mother was like that, except she was always there for him and had to have control over everything in his life even his finances, i had 3 children for this man, i tried talkin to her and told her she needs to cut the apron strings but it made things worse and we are no longer together. she rang me about the child support and how much he was gonna pay and i ended up telling her to f-off and mind her own business that it was nothing to do with her, my kids no longer see her or their father all because i split up with him. your husband needs to man up and realise that if he is gonna let his mother talk to you like that and behave like that towards you and his kids then he may not have anything left but his mother.

Sarah - posted on 03/02/2012

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It sounds like your husband is blaming you because maybe he feels he finally can have a relationship with his mother and isn't thinking what it will cost him and it sounds like his mother is playing off that. Maybe his mother treats you that way because she is jealous. Maybe because you have a better relationship with her son then she does. Or maybe you because you are a better mother. Who knows but if you haven't already I would tell him your feelings. Ask him why does he always take his moms side, why is it ok for his mom to treat you like that? Ask him for ideas on how you guys can resovle the problem? Maybe couseling might be an option for him and his mom and or all three of you. That's just what I would try doing. Its hard but when My husband and I have issues we talk about our feelings and ask questions so we can solve the issue. Even if he can't talk about his feelings tell him to write them down and then you can read them. It's a start! Good Luck!

Bonnie - posted on 03/02/2012

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Unfortunately there are many mothers out there who are like this with their grown children. They think they still own them so to speak and try to run their lives and steal them away. Not saying she outright trying to take your husband away or turn him against you, but by the sounds of it, she could be doing it in a round about way.



Sorry I don't recall if you said your husband has spoken to her about it, but maybe he should just try to find out why she is being like this.

Kelina - posted on 03/02/2012

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Unfortunately life isn't a movie and if you do watch the movie remember-in the end his mom was a mother who wanted what was best for her son and human underneath it all. What works in the movies often does not work in real life. In real life, chances are all you will get for your efforts are a pissed of MIL who lies to and manipulates your hubby just like she does now, and a hubby who is still not supporting you.

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i agree with Kelina. it doesn't matter what your mother-in-law is saying. the fact that your husband is not standing up for the woman he married and has a child with is what's ruining your marriage. he needs to realize what marriage and family is truly about and he needs to remember why he chose you as his life partner. His mother didn't even raise him, so i don't understand why he is trying to appease her. i have been in the same situation he is in, with my mother not having raised me but feeling like she has the right to butt into my relationship with my husband and say hurtful things to me about us and about him. i have told her to back off. i stand by my man, my husband. your husband needs to stand by his woman, and that woman SHOULD BE you! not his mother.

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