Help!? So stressed

Monica - posted on 01/20/2013 ( 10 moms have responded )

40

0

3

I am 11 weeks pregnant and so confused as to what to do.. Please no lectures or judging but nearly 2 years ago around this time i found out i was pregnant i really wanted to keep the baby however my family told me if i kept it i was on my own and they all hated me because of it. I ended up getting an abortion because i was 18 and had no support. I do not regret my decision as i realise it ended up being the best thing for me.

However i am now 20 and pregnant again and i am really struggling with the thought of a second abortion. This time my partner is much more finically secure however our relationship is very rocky and he doesn't want me to keep it, although if i do "he will be there for me". My biggest fear is ending up a single mum and being alone. I don't want to hurt this baby though..

Also i only just found out i was pregnant and have spent the whole pregnancy so far drinking and partying and the doctor said because of what i had been taking ect there could be problems with the baby.

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Jocelyn - posted on 01/23/2013

73

4

5

Hi Monica,

I applaud women who are pro-life and can give birth to a baby for adoption, but you have to be strong in your convictions for this to be the right choice for you. Doing so costs freedom, comfort and a certain lifestyle for ten months, but for thin/petite women can cause permanent stretch marks and scarring for the rest of your life. It doesn't sound like you're considering this option; since you have had an abortion before, you must not be staunchly opposed to it.

Be wary with advice... People who are outspoken in their beliefs may try to sway you into following their choice, instead of doing what's right for you. Listen to those who don't push their own beliefs, but offer guidance, support, and encouragement to make your own decision.

Every story is unique. Mine starts ten years ago when I was 18, got pregnant, and had an abortion. It was the right choice for me, given my situation and if I had to redo it, I would make the same choice again. Five years down the road and I found myself pregnant again, but although it wasn't planned, we were both in a better place and ready. My little boy is the love of my life. I am glad I waited. I was ready to give up the life free from responsibility of two twenty-something's living in an apartment playing computer/video games until 3 am. You should evaluate where you are in life. Are you ready to settle down? Is your man ready to settle down? If you aren't, but you have the baby anyway, then you might find bitterness or resentment building for this innocent child whom you have to stay home with feeding, changing, and not getting any sleep yourself. Or if you're ready but not your man, resentment toward the father might build up, who suffered no physical changes and may continue to go out while you're home with baby. If you still enjoy your current lifestyle of partying and fun, consider waiting and being more cautious to prevent future pregnancies until you're ready. If you are like I was, tired of the life and ready for the next step, then bring this baby into the world and it'll be the best thing you've ever done.

What do you want?

Bonnie - posted on 01/22/2013

32

0

5

I also had an unplanned pregnancy when I was 18, wanted to keep the baby and because of influence of family got an abortion. It doesn't seem like the other posters had such a close experience with the subject so I thought I'd reply. I also found that it was the best outcome for me in the end but sometimes regret it. I went on to college and ended up marrying the father of the unplanned pregnancy and we now have (almost) 3 children together. You just never know how things will turn out. Although I had my first child at 23 after I finished college I don't think I'd be able to have another abortion even if it was sooner. I feel like I had my mistake at a younger age but a few years later I should be able to deal with the consequences but I know we are all in a different position and maybe that wouldn't be the same for you. I wouldn't keep the baby expecting not to be a single mom though. Even after being married on baby #3 I know that things can happen in any relationship, no matter how stable you think it is, and that I could end up being a single mother of 3 someday (scary thought!) I know it wouldn't be easy and I don't anticipate it happening but I will take the chance for this baby. I think that as a mom we have a completely different responsibility to our children compared to a man. I love my husband and dedicated the rest of my life to him but I know at the core of my existence it would be ok as long as I had my children.
I know plenty of people who drank/smoked before they found out they were pregnant and had healthy babies. (One girl didn't "know" for 4 months and continued to party and had a healthy son.) I wouldn't base your decision on the small possibility that she/he has problems because of your behavior and I hope he/she is healthy if you decide to continue the pregnancy. I am certainly not trying to make this decision for you. I know that only you can make the decision that fits your situation, that having to make this decision is not something anyone wants. I think if you decided to keep the baby things would eventually work out, whether you stay with the dad or not and at 20 you would be able to make a good life for her/him if you wanted. I also think that if you decide you just can't keep the baby you will probably have your regrets but will also eventually move forward with your life and be ok too. Life will work out how its supposed to either way. I wish you support in making such a hard decision.

Sarah - posted on 01/20/2013

3,880

14

1082

My suggestion to you would be to look into adoption. There are many adoption agencies that do birth parent counseling. They help you figure out what you want to do and what would be best for both you and your baby. This is all free to you no matter if you choose adoption or parenting. They help you look at what it will be like so it can help you figure out if that is something you are ready for. The big thing is that either way the child gets to live. The child gets to be loved by you.....if you choose adoption then the child gets to be loved by you and by the adoptive family.

10 Comments

View replies by

Dawn - posted on 01/24/2013

1

0

0

Hi Monica, I am sorry about what you are going through and please don't consider abortion. I am against for one. If you want My husband and I would love it if we could bring another baby into our home. We have 4 children of our own and they range from 6 years old to 14 years old every body is in school and I miss having baby's. They are so warm and cuddly and smell so good. I would love it if you would consider letting my husband and I raise youre baby as our own. We would love it. My name is dawn and our email adresse is greg-dawn@hotmail.com I would to hear from you. We live in Michigan and he or she would have 4 other siblings to play with and that would love hime or her. sincerely dawn

Hitomi - posted on 01/23/2013

2

8

0

I won't lecture, but I hope you have learned to be secure in your relationships, if you're not going to be responsible in how you engage in sexual situations. I say this, not out of condemnation, but out of concern because there are preventable accidents and unpreventable accidents - this obviously being the former. Your repetitive behavior is something you do need to be cognizant, especially if it's unhealthy. I would say this for someone who is an excessive drinker; so it's not because you had sex! I say this because, I got pregnant with my daughter, considered having an abortion, then kept her. A year later, I got pregnant again and had an abortion. I cannot imagine having a second abortion, even if finances wouldn't allow it, because it is such a traumatic thing - no matter what people say. I even regret it to this day because, even though it was selfishly right, I know it was not morally right. With that said, you obviously know where my stance is on the topic of abortion and I hope, if anything, you look into adoption. Yes, you've been partying and drinking, but don't let the doctor's words influence your decision. He may have went to med school for many years, but that doesn't mean his analysis is right. Your doctor cannot truly know if your baby is defective until later in pregnancy when you can voluntarily get the baby tested for certain birth defects. My mother didn't know she was pregnant with me until she was in her third month and one of my closest friends is a product of a partying mother... neither her nor I have birth defects. There is no formula for what creates a defective baby, just studies done on what behaviors have a higher chance of creating birth defects. In addition, one of my cousins didn't have any birth defects up until birth; her cord was wrapped around her neck, which the doctors weren't aware of, and she was born was cerebral palsy. The point? There are never any guarantees - whether you have a wild lifestyle or jjust circumstance. Also, not like the first trimester gives any woman a right to engage in wild antics, but many health professionals do agree that the baby is (essentially) the most well protected during this stage.

As for the portion of being fearful of being a single mother, I've been married for a little short of a year to a man, who is not my daughter's biological father. From birth to marriage (four and a half years), I was a single mother and had minimal financial support from her father. I was one of the lucky ones who had family support in my decision to move forward with pregnancy, but that didn't make the emotional part any lesser. It's difficult doing it by yourself, and it's certainly not ideal, but I'm here to tell you that there are men who can eventually be open-minded about dating a woman with a child(ren) - ones that aren't a wolf in sheep's clothing. My husband was apprehensive about dating me, at first; but he actually never actively thought about whether or not single mothers were out of the question. After getting to know me, and not the stereotype, he was more comfortable with the idea because he became confident in the fact that our relationship was about us, not about me trying to fulfill an empty space. Then there are men who have dated single mothers before because it's so prevalent in today's society; I went on dates with a couple of guys who were part-time or single fathers. The point is, you're not damaged goods and you're not doomed to be by yourself forever; Love can happen, if you lay down healthy foundations - which starts at truly reflecting on what you're seeking from a partner, as opposed to just anyone who will take you. I do hope for the best, in your situation. Talk to your partner about it... a true talk. Don't be forceful, but don't allow him to walk all over you. This is a big decision and should be given the time for an honest conversation.

Tina - posted on 01/22/2013

5

0

0

Please dont get an abortion. There are so many people who would love to adopt a baby, I know a few myself. Message me tkay03@gmail.com.

Yvonne - posted on 01/21/2013

17

0

1

My thought when it comes to a woman and abortion is this, ultimately it's your decision but I feel you should always make the decision with the child's father. I would discuss every option and how you both feel about all options that are available to you. Yes children are blessings and not always meant to be a blessing to those that gave birth to them. However, I believe that you and the father should speak openly and honestly about it and make the decision together.

Sarah - posted on 01/21/2013

390

11

35

Hey, I would definately keep it or at least consider adoption. Having a child brings blessing and joy to life. Life is a gift from God, and if your boyfriend or husband doesn't support that then why would you be with them? Just a thought

Natasha - posted on 01/21/2013

46

1

16

i personal dont think you should get a abortion since u regret the first one.but its no ones dicision but your owns,there is so much support out there good luck with your decision

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms