Help with custody issues

Joelle - posted on 04/19/2009 ( 19 moms have responded )

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Hi I am a young single 21 year old mother seeking for advice or help.



My ex. . . . He the least, worthless, selfish person. I have a 5 1/2 month old baby girl. Her dad & I broke up 3 months in of the pregnancy. For many reason of him not being responsible or ready for a child & disrespecting me as well family. He had visited his daughter every 2 week, month or has not given me any child support since she born. I am waiting on a court date for child support. I'm wondering if I should file for full custody. He has an attitude, drug use; put himself first over his daughter, lives in a townhouse with roommates. I dislike talking about him, but I need to either get sole/full custody or to continue his visitations supervised? I ask him to come regular hours been 1 week he has agrees on it. Then the other day he told me he will not be coming by the days he pick so he can do some business. I said that’s your choice but for the best of our daughter it isn’t right. He got mad when I said this and insulted me with a few name calling. So I told him not to come by on the following days. Was I right to say this? It’s been many time we spoke and he get frustrated & call me names. This was my last chance to give him so I decided to keep him off my property since he disrespects me or doesn’t give child support. He says he is trying his best but he switch job every 1-3 months because he has an attitude problem when it doesn’t go his way. Very immature of him and blame me that I don’t let him see her. I’ve never had anxiety attack or big migraine like this; I am tired of thinking of it killing me & confusing my daughter. I never had to deal with courts and I'm scared that he'll get joint custody and I'll have to leave my daughter with him every other weekend. I can’t trust him cause he need to be supervise when his around our daughter. I just need some advice from people who have been to this road so that I can make the best choices for my baby girl. Thanks a lot for your support!

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Samantha - posted on 04/20/2009

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Yeah i understand where you're coming from my boyfriend said he would move to be with me and our son and we could get married and be our own happy little family but then he didnt do anything for me and now i take care of MY 4 month old by myself with help from my parents and everything he ever promised he would do for me and his son or that he would give to me hasnt happened. and as for still having to pay child support and not getting to see his child. hell yeah make him pay he may have been good enough at one point so he still needs to take care of his responsibility but he already said he has a life and needs to do his own business well let him do his business just hope you get your money too.

Katrina - posted on 04/20/2009

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file full custody, write down EVERYTHING he says, when he comes to see her... everything. if she was born in Indiana, and you were not married at the time, you already have full custody, he has to file for joint in order to have it if this is the case (i have a step daughter). if this is the case, go to court for child support and if you can proove he is unsafe for your daughter to be with, ask for supervised visitation. do you have a lawyer? i know a good one, good price, or you can go to legal-aid. my husband and i just got custody of my step-daughter with John Kassis as our lawyer. you need to file first if he hasn't already.... if you need to know anything else, let me know

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2009

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I just got done going through this myself, but I was married. Im not sure if the laws are different where you live, but normally the maternal father once it has gone to court, cannot take the baby over nights until they are 3 when they are a girl. If you could somehow get a lawyer for cheap(thats what I did) we made it so her father had to take a hair follicle test for drugs, and take alcohol tests. The lawyer helped me make it so his visits were suppervised as well. I do know that it is extremely hard to get sole custody. Having a lawyer is a lot less stressful, I tried to do it all on my own, and just got confused with all the paperwork, and no one else could give me legal professional advice. As for the child support issue, (good luck) if you have his social security number and the court puts a court order in for child support, they give him a chance to start paying, but for me, I know he wouldnt voluntary pay, so I called DSHS and made them garnish his wages. I had an idea tho of where he worked, but I think they can look him up with his social. As for you denying him his visits, once the court puts in a parenting plan/ custody order, you CANNOT do that because you will be in contempt of court! What was explained to me about the whole visitation/ child support thing, they can not treat your daughter like property, like he has to pay to see her. Its just not how it works. He will still be in contempt of court, and the child support will only keep racking up higher and higher. I hope I have helped you out somehow, and I know the laws are different in each state, but my best advice to you is to get yourself a lawyer if you have the means! Good luck!

Sarah - posted on 04/20/2009

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I went through a custody battle with my oldest sons father. He was like your ex, not showing up on his days with the baby. I know for a fact that if he can't show up on his days with the baby, then he wont show up to court. I now have full custody of my son and next month, I am having his rights taken away so my husband can adopt him. Its hard to tell a child who looks into your eyes and askes "mommy, why did daddy not come get me today?", that his daddy had something better to do. I always told my sone when this happened, that I did not know why his daddy did not come gt him, or I dont know where your daddy is.

For your sanity, and your daughters emotions, I hope and pray that you get sole custody of her. I have been in your situation and its best for you and the baby for her to be with you all the time.

Claire - posted on 04/20/2009

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In my experience it is hard to get legal residency of a child however it seems even harder for people to fight through the court to get contact with children. If you ex uses drugs and has shown a lack of responsibility since you got pregnant and is disrespectful towards you i would think all the court would allow is supervised visitation which would mean he would have to attend a contact centre where proffesionals would be supervising the vist mean you wouldnt have to put up with his abuse. Also if he has a tendancy to pick and chose when he turns up for visits then it is likey he will be the same for court dates etc which is frowned upon by the courts. You may find that he would be his own undoing if you did take it to court. Hope all goes well.

19 Comments

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Brittany - posted on 04/21/2009

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Quoting Jamie:



Quoting Samantha:

Yeah i understand where you're coming from my boyfriend said he would move to be with me and our son and we could get married and be our own happy little family but then he didnt do anything for me and now i take care of MY 4 month old by myself with help from my parents and everything he ever promised he would do for me and his son or that he would give to me hasnt happened. and as for still having to pay child support and not getting to see his child. hell yeah make him pay he may have been good enough at one point so he still needs to take care of his responsibility but he already said he has a life and needs to do his own business well let him do his business just hope you get your money too.






So you think its ok to take his money but you wont let him see your child, with HIM. If he wants nothing to do with the baby I get it I agree but if hes asking to be a part of the childs life you should allow it.  Even if it means meeting at a park or Macdonalds where you are right there. But to say, "No you cant see her but give me x-amount of money a month" Or to say, you arent seeing the baby until you pay me x-amount of money. Even a judge wont terminate visits based on a parent not paying support. That parent may miss visits due to being in jail for non-payment but the judge wont say "you can see sally until you are caught up" Why? because it is not in the best interest of the child. If you really dont want the father in the babies life, dont contact them, dont ask for money, just raise the baby yourself.





I agree with Jamie. It's unfair to force a man you had a child with to pay child support without allowing them to see the child. If they have the option and do not visit, then that is on them. I think it's in the best interest of the child to allow some kind of visits if the father wants to see the child as long as there is no chance of harm coming through to the child. Saying "I want the money but you can't see the baby" seems selfish and vengeful. It makes it seem more as a punishment for not staying with the mother or doing exactly what she wants. I also agree with the statement that you approved of him to be a father at one time or there wouldn't be a baby involved because you said that he agreed to have a baby with you.

Lisa - posted on 04/21/2009

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i need to know what to say to the judge to make it so I will be there and not his mother i need to know what to do i never had to go through this before so i don't have a clue what to do i was thinking about thelling the judge how i don't trust his mother but even if i said that i don't think it would make a difference and we are going to a new judge also so i really don't know what will happen now

Lisa - posted on 04/21/2009

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i don't keep her from him he already has visitation he dosn't WANT to see her and i suggetsted for supervised visitation with me and the judge refused it and said that she and her father would have parenting time supervised by HIS mother and now i have a court appointment for more parenting time when he dosn't even use the time he has now i don't know what to say to the judge to have his visitation with me and not her

Jamie - posted on 04/21/2009

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Lisa,



that is why i suggest supervised visits with either you or an outside agency. Then if dad wants unsupervised he is respondsible for straightening up. But personallly I dont think dad will ever meet moms standards, other wise we would be with them. Plus, the longer you keep a child from a parent the more damage you can actually do, its called parent alientation.

Lisa - posted on 04/21/2009

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about the unfair to make him pay child support but not let him see the child personally i do not think that is unfair that is his child also and he would clean up his act then i am sure you would let him see her but he has a responsibilty to your child i think it is unfair to you to have to suppport her on your own i am going through something very similar to you my daughter is for and her father saw her a total of three times in her life then took me to court (after i filed 6 times for custody and support) and got visitation and he only took me for his mother to get the visitaion he still dosn't see her and now he is taking me back to court for more visitaion and reductiong of child support so i know just what you are going through go for full custody and try to get as many witnesses you can to go in there becouse without proof it is harder on you best of luck to you

[deleted account]

Im am in your exact same position right now. It really sucks. I dont know what to do either. My ex is not on the birth certificate and is awaiting trial on felony drug charges. I have a full time job and support me and my child 100%. He doesn't give me child support. I live in NC and he lives in SC and I was taking our daughter down to see him until he found out I was dating someone else and started threatening me. Im so confused and want to do the right thing but I don't know what that is. HELP!

[deleted account]

Its males like your ex who personally PISS ME OFF!

My partner has been trying to get more access to his daughter for the past 3 years and for the first time in 2 years we get his daughter for an overnight visit (this will be my first with her). My parnter's ex wont allow him to have more access then what he has already got which is a measly 7 hours once a fortnight on a Sunday.

She never wanted my partner to pay child support, but my partner put through an application to pay for child support- which made the child support centre very confused as it is ment to be the mother who makes the application!.

Those fathers who can't be bothered, give those fathers (like my partner) a bad name!

Joelle - posted on 04/20/2009

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As for him visiting, I let him even if he doesn't have money I don’t really expect any money from him I do want some for his daughter needs only. But I expect him to being there if he wants to be a father to her. I been doing this since she born too so I just had to give him that last chance cause of his behavior toward me the other day. I know our daughter shouldn’t be involved in our fights. I just sometime things he put himself in trouble, if he said "he wanted to be married with a great girl and did want a child he would do anything for both them instead of not doing something". So yes I might of went out of hands of says he "I might cut him off from his daughter"but he should do his part of being a the father. If he doesn’t want to do anything with her, he should tell me instead of making up excuse.

Jamie - posted on 04/20/2009

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Btw just to make things clear, I have a 3yr old whos dad pays a huge amount of support every month. He is allowed only 30days of visitation a year, WITH MY PERMISSION. And no I do not allow unsupervised visits, if he does not want me there he must pay a special program, called Parenting Skills to supervise his visits. Mind you this is $60 an hour. And we have joint legal custody and he is behind almost $10,000 in child support, he has had to pay many purges and 1 arrest warrant issued, but some how manages to come up with the money. (results not typical, lol, i work in the custody field and know my way around, plus my ex isnt to bright)

Jamie - posted on 04/20/2009

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Quoting Samantha:

Yeah i understand where you're coming from my boyfriend said he would move to be with me and our son and we could get married and be our own happy little family but then he didnt do anything for me and now i take care of MY 4 month old by myself with help from my parents and everything he ever promised he would do for me and his son or that he would give to me hasnt happened. and as for still having to pay child support and not getting to see his child. hell yeah make him pay he may have been good enough at one point so he still needs to take care of his responsibility but he already said he has a life and needs to do his own business well let him do his business just hope you get your money too.



So you think its ok to take his money but you wont let him see your child, with HIM. If he wants nothing to do with the baby I get it I agree but if hes asking to be a part of the childs life you should allow it.  Even if it means meeting at a park or Macdonalds where you are right there. But to say, "No you cant see her but give me x-amount of money a month" Or to say, you arent seeing the baby until you pay me x-amount of money. Even a judge wont terminate visits based on a parent not paying support. That parent may miss visits due to being in jail for non-payment but the judge wont say "you can see sally until you are caught up" Why? because it is not in the best interest of the child. If you really dont want the father in the babies life, dont contact them, dont ask for money, just raise the baby yourself.

Jamie - posted on 04/20/2009

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Quoting Joelle:

Hey girls! Yes I do keep track of everything he does as for-> dates, items he gives, amount of money he hands out. I still live at my parent’s house for personal reasons so always supervised or whoever around when he visits. I have no trust in him since of the past. I spoke to a social worker and she is helping me get through this. I also got a court date set May 21s. She told me that it is my choice to have him on my property or not to see our daughter. I don’t expect too much from him or run after him. He told me the other night that “he has a life and he need to do his own business” I was shocked… so if he really didn’t want a child then why did he agree with me in first place? And wanted to get married ect. I guess it’s just to make me melt! I’ve decided he won’t be allowed on my property till his mature, respect me, straight out his problems & attitude. If any other advice please do share your thoughts.

Thanks for the advice & support.



Not trying to be rude but dont you think its kind of unfair to expect him to pay childsupport but not allowed to see his child? I mean Im sure there are reason for not wanting unsupervised visits but to think he should support a child he cant even see supervised? Seems kinda messed up. I think you should really talk to your social worker, no judge is going to order supprt without some type of parenting agreement in place, and no judge isnt going to just grant you what ever you want without dad basically coming in to court high or drunk. Ive seen babies that have been born to drug addicted parents still get supervised visits with thier parents. So dont count your chickens til they hatch. Dont expect him to pay up if you wont let him see his child.  Remember he was good enough to make a baby with at some point.

Joelle - posted on 04/20/2009

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Hey girls! Yes I do keep track of everything he does as for-> dates, items he gives, amount of money he hands out. I still live at my parent’s house for personal reasons so always supervised or whoever around when he visits. I have no trust in him since of the past. I spoke to a social worker and she is helping me get through this. I also got a court date set May 21s. She told me that it is my choice to have him on my property or not to see our daughter. I don’t expect too much from him or run after him. He told me the other night that “he has a life and he need to do his own business” I was shocked… so if he really didn’t want a child then why did he agree with me in first place? And wanted to get married ect. I guess it’s just to make me melt! I’ve decided he won’t be allowed on my property till his mature, respect me, straight out his problems & attitude. If any other advice please do share your thoughts.



Thanks for the advice & support.

Lindsey - posted on 04/20/2009

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I also work in the family law field and yes i would file a paternity action, to get everything established, you can ask that he have supervised visiation or that he complete parenting classes for the safety of your child. If you can prove ie. police reports, or any type of incidnet report to prove that he is into drugs and could be a risk to the child it would be easier to get primary residental and sole custody, but most of the time it doesn't work out like that. What state are you in? it varies from place to place, i work in central florida and we see this type of thing quite often, Like Jamie said keep track of everything, even better is if you can get it in writing emails suffice on what day and time he's supposed to see the baby. If you need any help please let me know

Jamie - posted on 04/19/2009

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I will say that it is hard to get sole/legal custody. I know this because I work in this field. If there is drug use be sure to bring it up and ask he be put on random drug testing. Also, you can ask for supervised visits. Keep track of everything he does, including dates and time he picks up, dates and time he should have picked up. If you need any help please do hesitate to ask me, like I said I work in this field, and I see custody cases everyday.

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