How can I trust him? is it cheating?

Carla - posted on 10/18/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

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The other night I went to put partners pjohe on charge for him as he was alseep and his fb page came up, I've had my suspions that he's been hiding some for a while as he's so protective of his phone. So I checked his inbox and there this womans name appear that I asked him not to talk to and to delete a few months back because she was always flirting with him, he agreed and deleted her. But since then he's been inboxng her this whole time saying he deleted her because I "skitz" and that I never said anything about not inboxing, calling her sexy mumma, asking if she though he was hot, he thought she was hot. But it wasn't jst her there were others that were friends with both of us, he was asking if she would him down and have her way with him and how she thought he was sexy and before we got together they were flirting but she back off coz he was with me but regrets it. Then others before we met they'd set him up with friends etc and he was saying we had a fight and it came up about ones cousins and he asked why didn you set me up with them they said the name he said he would smash that.. Then some friends he's telling all about our fights except he leaves out why I'm pissed! How doi get over this. Ours are 4yrs and 8weeks old. He says he's sorryand will never do it again and has since blocked all of them, he's friends who's had a go at me for being pissed off saying immature and need to grow up, he's blocked but told them he's deleted his account. My gut and head are so confused, I want to try and work it out buti don't know how to get passed it, its all I've thought about for 4days. Help!?

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User - posted on 10/19/2012

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Cheating or not, saying those things to other women is unacceptable. Make it perfectly clear to him that it is unacceptable. I would make vague plans on what you would do if you were to leave him (where you would go, how you would take care of your kids, pay bills, etc) then bring this up to him so he knows you are very serious. I would also be smart about where he goes, who he hangs out with. Not to keep him caged in but just know more info than he thinks you do. I would also let him know that if he does cheat on you or decide to be with another woman that you will move on and someone else will be happy to be with you exclusively and help you raise your family. Good luck!

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Kayla - posted on 11/13/2012

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I had a simular situation but not with people I new luckily that would make it alot harder, I found some emails that were from the first couple of months we were together I sort of excused some as we werent in a serious reltionship but there was one from a couple of months in, he made some excuse n I left it at that. I still had suspicions & didnt feel right, I ended up finding him on dating websites looking at girls & asking to see pics & on myspace too talking to people i then found text messages late at on his phone record & it was a girls number( i rang it) at first he was partially honest but still lied about some things so then wen he became honest about that I still felt like he could have been hiding more like actually physically cheating on me as i new he didnt want to lose me. he works away so I had 3 days till he came home suprisingly i let him sleep in bed next to me I had decided that we would try & work through it, it was touch N go a few times & he honeslty beleived he had lost me, we went to councelling n he was trying very hard for my forgivness I dont actually no wen i began to trust him again but to begin with I would even close the door to the bathroom as i didnt want him to even see me naked after hed been looking at other girls, we r now good & actually getting married & I believe that he would never do it agian, he loves me & has shown that, what he did was to do with his own insecurities & issues & the councelling helped him with that too.

Carla - posted on 11/08/2012

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So far he has been pretty good, I was having such a hard time getting over it even though I could have access to his phone and fb account (via his phone) that he gave me his fb password so I can anytime I choose log on and its there. Hes been pretty good, some random messaged him and I hadn't seen it and as soon as he got home from work he showed me. He is getting better at talking about it with me, at first we kept arguing about it and I was questioning if he was sorry or sorry he got caught out and if i should jst leave and be done with it, but it came out he thought I was rubbing it in. I had to tell him... Its not about him or what he did, world doesn't revolve about him, that it was about me and how I felt, what he should be doing to help not making it about him and for now not forever, but for now he needs to do this, talk about it and tell me, who, what, when, why he is talking to and have patience with me if he wants our relationship too work (well something like that) were slowly getting there. The respect I lost for him is already back, the disgust I had a few weeks ago is gone too but the trust I lost is still lost.....We are still getting there and it'll take a few yrs I think but were/he trying :)

Jessica - posted on 10/29/2012

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He seems to have no respect for you or your relationship. Once a cheater almost always a cheater. A lie is a lie. I hope that you can work through it but keep in mind that you both have to be willing and 100% committed to the change and the results. Guys tend to say sorry and theyll never do it again but they just dont want to get left. I hope that he is one of the ones who actually change but be careful!

Carla - posted on 10/21/2012

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I don't believe he would do it again, I have made it perfectly clear I find it not cheating but almost as bad. Lying, hiding it and talking about me and the way he was talking to those wmen are very inappropriate... I don't know what the hell he was thinking but I don't think he thought it was wrong but now he does know it is, so no excuses if he ever does do it again.he is sorry and we have spoken about it quite a few times, me trying to get in his head figuring out how he didn't think there was anything wrong, honestly don't think he thought about if it was or wasn't wrong he jst continued to do what he was doing after we became an item (still not ok). Anyways, he has given any and all access to his phone whenever I want and has accepted responsibility for it so I can only try and forgive and work through this with him. Thanks for your input guys :))

Carla - posted on 10/18/2012

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I was ready to leave when I saw the messages at first. My ex was a liar and lied for yrs and he had drug issues that eventually came out because he was so violent so he knows how much I hate liars. He claimed he didn't know it was wrong but will never do it again. I don't think he would of slept with them or thinks it was cheating, his ex cheated on him for about 1yr before they broke up and I know he'd never cheat for that reason. He now knows that I think it is a form of cheating.. So I don't think he will do it again, but the hurt and betrayal has already set in and I can't seem to stop thinking about about what if he does it again, he said he wouldn't speak to one because he knew my feelings on it and continued to privately for months. There were so many other messages to other women so I don't know how I can get past it when its eating constantly at me. I do love him and want to try for our boys sake, but it feels like our whole relationship has been a lie of him flirting and betraying me. He must of knew to some extend that it was wrong because they were all through inbox?? I jst don't understand why he thought it wasn't some form of cheating and was ok.. The other thing that annoys me, is not jst he put my feelings aside, talking inappropately but I was asking for help around the house and he's saying he's too tired after work and barely spent time with me or the boys yet he had so much time too message these ppl. Talk about I was fighting with him but not tell them its because he spent so little time with us or helping but on fb all the time. And I'm really bothered by the fact that all of them are really unttractive.. I'm not saying the best looking but I'm better than that so why did he need their vaildicationn when he had me.. Its not like I don't call him sexy or what not, but he dismisses whenever i say it. he never calls me sexy mumma anymore but calls it to them, never says how i look sexy or beautiful but tells them theyre hot, looks sexy. he hates it if i bring it up with him, i think hes guilty of it now and knows he did the wrong but i need him to answer these before i try and forgive.. should i try some sort of couselling for us?

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My personal experience with my baby's daddy did the same to me for 3 years i was with him. I kept forgiving him and he kept doing the same. Out of honesty this is what i call BOYS not men and they don't ever change and they will never be satisfied. Leaving him will be hard but do you wanna be with a person who cheats on you all the time? Just ask yourself that is you are comfortable with it. But if i were you i would pack my bags and say to him you did this to yourself.

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