how did having your first baby affect you?

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Nia - posted on 03/06/2013

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I had my first baby at 19. I had just moved in with my loving boyfriend, and had started Univeristy. We used to go out drink, and smoke.. We were the best of buddies..
I found out I was pregnant, he begged me to keep the baby, saying it was an expression of our love. I kept the baby, then I got really sick, my body found it hard to adjust to the pregnancy, so I was always tired and ill.

My boyfriend continued to go out and have fun, and now I couldn't smoke or drink. Even have tea.. So I'd have to leave when his friends were over smoking. I went from being the cool girlfriend to his boring ball and chain baby mama over night.

He started to feel pressure to provide, I was eating so much, we ran out of money quick, so he tried to start working part time. His Uni studies fell behind, and that's when he started to hate my guts. He despised me even more when I dropped out of Uni at 4 months. I couldn't continue, he felt like I was a loser and that was when he started to hit me.

I tried to leave him, but my parents were so cold to me. When I was preganant I was so alone, no one was there for me. To everyone, I was a failure the gossip was harsh. I stayed with him right until 9 months, but he beat me up more and more, he even threatened me with an iron. The baby must have been under so much stress, poor thing. I was always crying and screaming.

When she was born, I was alone. He disappeared, my mum tried to be there but she worked full time. I gave birth by c section and came home after 1 week at my mum's, who barely wanted me there. When I came home the flat me and my boyfriend shared was a compete wreck, messy untidy, cold, beer cans around, and even decayed pots of food. That day I returned he refused to come home. He attacked me that night, he nearly killed me.

I left tht relationship, and became a single mum, I moved in with a friend and forgot about him. My experience of pregnancy was so terrible, I learnt that if you do it at the wrong time, everybody will disrespect you, especially your man.

Now my daughter is 5 years, and she'd never believe what I went through. I have my own business, nice flat and I am about to compete Uni.

I've remarried, my husband wants a baby. But I'm terrified! I can't imagine being pregnant again, and I believe it will make him hate me. I had such a bad experience being pregnant that I really don't knw if I could do it again. Since I had my daughter I celebrate my period every month with a glass of wine. We use condoms, and if there is ever any accident I'm straight down the clinic. When I see a buggy I feel sick, I really can't imagine having anther child.

I feel like i've just got my freedom, since my daughters at school age. and to me a baby looks like a giant prison, But my husband is putting pressure on me. I've tried to explain, I really don't think can do it. i associate preganancy with rejection, hurt, amd failure. Does Anyone else feel this way?

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