How do i get him to help? Or should i just leave?

Kayly - posted on 11/01/2010 ( 110 moms have responded )

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So me and my fiancee both work full time jobs. He works 4 ten hour days and i work 5 8 hour days. i work 8-5 and he works 4pm-2am. He expects me to take care of our son, clean the house, do his laundry and mine and our sons, and pick up after him.......I dont mind picking up the house but im talking about a full CLEANING like every other day! He leaves his dishes out on the table, his dirty clothes all over the floor of our bedroom and bathroom and his dishes with food still on them on the counters. Then he gets mad when i complain about having to clean! He thinks its absolutely INSANE for him to help me. Hes home saturday, sunday, and monday and doesnt do anything except hunt or fish. Today our babysitter was sick and couldnt watch our son so he had to and he threw a fit. He told me that i need to either clean the house or move out. He said my stuff is already packed and that if i wouldnt clean the house today that he would find somebody better than me to do it. He also told me that he was going to bring our son up here (to my work) and drop him off with me because he has things he has to do. Theres no way i can do all this and work. By the end of the day, im exhausted. I wouldnt mind doing a "pick up" everyday but not a FULL ON cleaning. What should i do? Should i just leave?

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Carolyn - posted on 11/01/2010

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wow is really all i can say. i think it would be hard for anyone to suggest you stay or leave that ultimately is up to you.

have you tried telling him how you feel? his behaviour and expectations are absurd in my opinion. if that were my husband, there would be hell to pay.

You shouldnt have to deal with his attitude of " do it, or ill find someone else who will" this day in age, i bid him good luck on that, not too many women will put up with that kind of bullshit. maybe turn the tables on him, help out or youll find someone who will ? see how he likes that ultimatum. im a firm beleiver of giving them a taste of their own medicine.

personally i wouldnt tolerate that bullshit and his shit would be packed on the lawn and the locks changed by the time he got home from work or fishing. if he doesnt like it , he can go...

stand firm in your needs and express yourself how ever you choose. you have a right to be respected and helped in the life you both chose by having a baby.

Carolyn - posted on 11/01/2010

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hmm i would look into common law marriages, and rights. if you are techinically married in the eyes of the law, then half that home should be yours, his name only on it or not.



you could always call his, bluff, and leave for a bit. pack up and go stay with a family member or friend.



sounds like just an immature momma's boy who has never had to be a man. ( not to pick on him , just my opinion).



definitely sounds like emotional abuse and definitely using your relationship as a weapon.





from my own experience, dont stay somewhere out of fear of change or your ability to make it on your own. you are already doing everything as it is, so really it would be no different. I stayed in a horrible relationship for years because i didnt know if i could make it on my own ( although i wasnt a mom yet) but you definitely can ! might mean a few lifestyle changes like hair dye from a box instead of a salon, and Kraft dinner 2 nights a week instead 1 but , if you can give birth, care for a child, work, clean and put up with his shit, you can certainly do it all without be harrassed and put down. and youll probably have alot less cleaning to do without his shit laying all over the place !



what ever you do , i hope it all works out for you. But dont ever tell yourself you are not strong enough to do it on your own, change is scary but it is amazing at the same time !

Christina - posted on 11/09/2010

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I'm not going to tell you to stay or go, but I will tell you that no woman should have to be treated like that. You work hard and a relationship is about compromising. It seems like you and your son are an inconvience to him. It sounds like he needs to get his priorities straight before you two think about marriage.

I've been in a relationship like you and stayed for five years before I finally said I can't do it anymore. I was expected to have supper on the table, the house cleaned, and to take care of our son. I lost my job from having to call in sick all the time to take care of our child, while my fiance was out having fun. It's not a healthy relationship to have. I loved him, but was too afraid to leave. I didn't think I could make it on my own and I didn't think I had anyone to help me. I was scared about money and how I would afford raising a kid on my own. So I stayed. I dealt with the emotional abuse and stress. Finally one day I just couldn't take it anymore. I was sick of crying all the time, sick of the hurt, and decided my son was more important. I left and I managed on my own. I moved in with family and found that I had a stronger support system than I thought.

I look back now and wonder why I didn't leave earlier. My life is great now and it has been five years since I left. I think it was a wake up call for my ex too and he's straightened his life out more. I've since gotten married and had two other kids. My husband now is great and my son is happy too. This choice is up to you, but know that it can be done. Know that you aren't alone and that you shouldn't have to go through this. There is no excuse or reason you should be treated like this. You aren' t his maid, the babysitter, or his mother. You will be his wife and he needs to help out. Being a family is number one and showing that to your son should be number one to your fiance. You don't want to raise your son thinking that this is how he should treat women. My vote is to see if you can leave for a weekend and see how he handles coming home to an empty house and you not being there to pick up after him. I got the "I will change" promise all the time too and nothing happened. See what he does being on his own and maybe that will be an eye opener for him or maybe for you as well. Good luck!!

Kimisha - posted on 11/09/2010

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Honey my husband rarely worked and he did the same to me and he was very verbally abusive. Safe to say I am living on my own and as happy as can be. I clean when I want to and it stays clean for the most part. Now he cries every time I see him that he wants to make it work.

As long as they can get away with doing it to you, they will!

Ashley - posted on 11/01/2010

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Put all his crap in a garbage bag dirty dishes, cloths everything he leaves around and put it on the door step and tell him to go live with his mom since he cant grow up. Sory might be harsh but seriously he sounds like a spoiled little shit.

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Missy - posted on 11/09/2010

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Not that I want to take your fiancee's side but I always like to stick up for the under dog. And my husband is pretty lazy too! If he was like this before you had the baby then you knew what you were getting into. He will not change if he doesn't want to, and you can't make him. So not cleaning won't change anything only make things worse! If you truly love him and want to stay with him than you need to find a way to make it work. Maybe hire a nanny instead of a babysitter or a cleaning lady. Not really sure what would be best for you. But if you are going to leave I would do it sooner rather than later so your son doesn't remember and doesn't start gaining his fathers negative qualities. As parents we want our children to gain our positive qualities!
Hope my advice helps.

Jennifer - posted on 11/09/2010

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My boyfriend and I have 2 babies (2yrs an 6mos) aswell as a 12 year old daughter.

He has a disability and still manages to work full time (same as me) we work opposite shifts to avoid babysitters(dont' trust strangers) and he still cooks, cleans, changes diapers, makes formula, does laundry and anything else that needs to be done. Your man needs a reality check and fast. It is 2010 not 1910. He is not a king! Lay down the law and then don't back down. Maybe try some counselling (there is a child involved) but don't tolerate this behaviour

Nicole - posted on 11/09/2010

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What I would do is say to him that if there is no change in him helping you out and in his attitude within the next week that you are gone. You have to be prepared to stick to it though. Do you want your son to turn out like his dad? If your answer is no than you have to do something about it. If in that week that you give him there is no change or even just a little change find a place to go and leave with your son. When he comes to you and begs for you to come back DON'T!!! Give him some time to prove himself to you. I always say that you never know what a person is like until you seperate from them. See what is really in front of you and take charge of your life and more importantly your son's life. Good luck.

Charlotte - posted on 11/09/2010

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In my opinion, I think you should leave him, at least for a while. Let him see what life is like without you and let him see that you can do it on your own. Stay with a family member for a month or so, a weekend won't cut it! I understand he might be old school, but you both work! Plus if he was so old school you woulnt have a job in the first place! He is also setting a bad example for your child! You should do what is best for you and your child and that's not a stressful relationship. It doesn't seem that you see one another much as it is!

Rachael - posted on 11/09/2010

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Also, I'd like to add that it would be VERY wise to get your son away from that. You don't want him to be raised by somebody who treats women like pieces of garbage, thereby teaching him that it's okay for him to start doing it, also.

Rachael - posted on 11/09/2010

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It is ultimately your decision, and no one can tell you what to do. However, I can tell you what I would do. If I weren't married to a man who pulled that stuff, I would leave, take my son with me, and file for full custody, and make him pay up for child support. Given the situation, the courts would rule 100% in my favor. No matter how much I might love somebody, I would never let them treat me like a slave. I put up with a lot from my husband, but he knows better than to treat me THAT badly! It is impossible for any adult to change unless they want to do it for themselves, so you can't try to change behavior like that from someone else. Do what you feel is best, but if it was me, I'd be out of there so fast his head would spin.

Anila - posted on 11/09/2010

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he yi think he is just crazy dude!! he thinks women are just nerds and robots..the ywant us to work like machines ad don't give a heck in helping.. i think u soulh kick his ass rather he kicks urs...ull get anyone in your like but he will face same problems with anyone as no one will tolerate his behaviour unless she crazy liek him too!!! :( phew!! you should think for your child rather him... teh persn who thinks he cant look after his kid, wife an house has no right to impose anything on anyone!! WHATA SHAME!!! i pity him.. he iwll suffer through out his life ..u shoul dgo out ...find a btter place for you and ur son MAY GOD BLESS OU!!

Amy - posted on 11/09/2010

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Sounds like an abuser.. he needs counseling, by himself not couples. He has a lot of issues to work through, it sounds like. In the meantime, it doesn't sound like a very healthy environment for yourself or your child. If you really want to make it work, you might have to do it from different households. He has a lot of work to do before you can begin working together on your expectations and goals as a couple.

Kristi - posted on 11/09/2010

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Honey, you don't deserve to be treated this way. I could not believe how you and I are alike. But thankfully my fiancee isnt threating me to clean or move out. We have three children and I help with homework, cleaning, cooking and so on every nite. He is home during the day to watch our son which he says its hard to do anything when its just him and our son. He says at least i have the girls to watch our little guy so i can clean. Which that is crap because the girls have tons of home work almost everyday of the week. And then I have all three at nite. I work from 8-5 and every saturday 8-noon. He works 4:30pm to 3:30am. Of course he needs his sleep but I also told him that he has to help during the day too with the cleaning. He leaves his clothes all over the house and doesnt do dishes. I have actually stopped doing his laundary due to the lack of helping around the house. I clean all week and then on the weekends when i want to relax he decides he wants to clean. Well news flash. The weekends are my time to relax. And when he needed help with cleaning the garage he realized that maybe he should help around or he wont ever get any help in the garage. I really dont know what to tell you. But you DON'T deserve to be treated like that. Honestly, the only way I can see this going is you moving out. You are not a maid!!! You deserve to be treated with respect both as a Fiancee and a mom. Dont let you child be raised thinking that the wife does all the work cuz that is sooo not true. I wish you luck!

Jamie - posted on 11/09/2010

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I only skimmed replys, but I'm with Malissa. 1) you're not married and this would be an issue for counseling or divorce papers is it were me married to such a self centered man. 2) I was a single mom for some time, and really, if you're going to be doing all the work anyway, wouldn't it be easier to not have his crap to take care of too. (actually came up when my husband and I got married. I'd rather be a single mom again than have a husband/man who won't help)

Aime - posted on 11/09/2010

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I can't believe some men still view women as their slaves. As a woman who watched her mother be slave to the house for years, I vowed that would not be me. It is not just your child, and it is not just your house. Especially when you have a full time job on top of a full time job of being a mom. Don't let him do this to you. You are obviously unhappy with the way things are, and it the only way to stop being unhappy is to make a change. It's not my decision, but I will say if it was me, and I tried all the things you have tried so far (talking to him, leaving the mess for 2 weeks, etc.) I would leave. You deserve more. No one should be treated that way, especially being told he can find someone better than you. It sounds verbally abusive to me. If you have daughters, they will be treated the same one day..trust me. I hope things work out, I can not imagine how hurt you must feel. Good luck.

Shea - posted on 11/09/2010

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also when it comes to looking after his on son, well guys loved to be talked about i also make a point of talking up my partner to my girlfriends about what a great dad he is and how the kids love him so much this way i find daddy wants to do everything just so i talk about him lol.......... look im a strong beliver in guilt trips when your sons is hanging around him tell him to come to you and to leave daddy alone he will wounder why you dont want him around he will start to stress you dont need him

Shea - posted on 11/09/2010

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i find this always helps me when i need my partner to do something, delegate the work, be the BOSS, when you wash the dishes tell him your going to wash the dishes then tell him that he is to dry them, when you fold the washing get him to put it away, its always a handy tip to turn the T.V off and put music on also try having cleaning days your house doesnt need to be spotless, just clean try 2-3 times a week, if this doesnt work , then when you do the washing only wash your stuff and your babies things leave his in there, also when doing the dishes after dinner finish yours first get straight up and wash it dont wash his, if he leaves things around nicely stack them up in the corner, then when he bitches about the place its all his mess as you kept up your half of the cleaning............

NATALIE - posted on 11/09/2010

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HI KAYLY,
I AGREE WITH ALL THESE MOMS TO A POINT! I AM SORRY WHY SHOULD YOU & YOUR SON STAY WITH A MAN THAT ONLY CARES ABOUT HIMSELF! I THINK WHAT THESE MOMS FAILED TO READ WAS WHERE YOU WROTE HE THREATENS YOU THAT YOU STUFF IS ALREADY PACKED & HE CAN GET SOMEONE BETTER TO DO IT & ALSO THREATENS TO BRING THE BABY TO YOUR JOB WHERE U CAN GET FIRED!! I WOULD LEAVE! YOU CAN GET SOMEONE BETTER THAN THAT OR BETTER YET DO IT ALL BY YOURSELF SINCE U ARE DOING THAT ALREADY! DO NOT STAY WHERE U ARE NOT WELCOME OR APPRECIATED! HE OBVIOUSLY HAS DIFFERENT INTENTIONS. THINK ABOUT IT IF HE REALLY LOVE U & THE BABY HE WOULD AT LEAST TRY TO HELP U IT'S NOT LIKE U ARE NOT WORKING & HE IS THE ONLY ONE SUPPORTING THE HOUSE HOLD & YOU ARE DO NOTHING! OH & FYI BEING A FULLTIME MOM IS ALSO A FULL TIME JOB & IS A LOT HARDER THAN PEOPLE THINK!!! SO YOU HAVE 2 FULLTIME JOBS UNLIKE HIS 1!! YOU HAVE TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT FOR U & UR SON AS WELL! REMEMBER HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF SO U DON'T WANT YOUR SON ENDING UP LIKE HIM! GOOD LUCK I'LL PRAY FOR YOU:)

Mellissa - posted on 11/09/2010

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Just leave. I don't know what century he is from but but in the 21st century it is called equality. He is treating you like his personal slave and exspecting you to do everything. Take your kid and leave. It migt be tuff on your own but at least you will only have one child to look after insted of two children. You deserve better. Him threatining to find better is just plain stupid. No women would stay with a jurk like that.

Sarahjane - posted on 11/09/2010

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Leave .... He sounds selfish and ungrateful for any of your hard work let alone going thru pregnancy birth and thn on top of tht going bk to work, he needs to sort priorities out n if not u shouldn't raise your son around someone who obviously looks down on women, sorry to hear your going thru this, I hope u will be ok - b strong for ur sons sake x x x

Kristi - posted on 11/09/2010

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Stop cleaning up after him. If he breaks up with you over that, well, it sounds to me like you're better off without him.

Emma - posted on 11/09/2010

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your basically a single mum anyway... and if you have more bad days than go i would leave

Christi - posted on 11/09/2010

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If he is unwilling to watch his own kid, you don't need to be wasting your time with a loser like that. Get the hell outta dodge.

Christi - posted on 11/09/2010

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Wow, if he wants to be a child and pretend you are mommy and you are going to do it all for him, give him a reality check. Do your laundry and your son's and only clean up after you and your son. If he bitches about it, say well, let's see, that's your mess, that's your mess and if you want clean clothes, you are here three days a week, do your laundry. I am not your mother. You want a full time maid service, either hire one, do it yourself or move back in with your mama.

Sandra - posted on 11/09/2010

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You can do it on your own, if I can do it ANYONE can! If he is going wacko over no babysitter & dirty house then what's he gonna be like when you guys hit real problems?!?

Kat - posted on 11/08/2010

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LEAVE. Plain and simple you don't want your son growing up and treating someone like that.

[deleted account]

I say leave. U need a supportive partner and I don't have much faith that guyz like that will change

Sheila - posted on 11/08/2010

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firstly i don't think you should have to listen to that!! your out working the very same as him so he should be helping you with the house work!! the days where the man earns the money and the woman stays home and cleans the house and raises the kids are long gone everything should be 50-50! why should you constantly spend your free time cleaning up after him??
nobody can tell you what to do in regards of staying or leaving thats your choice...but if you do decide that you don't want to stay with him thats fine as long as your happy but why should you have to pack your bags and your sons to leave? make him go...he's the one who made the suggestion let him suffer the consequences!! i'm speaking from experience on this one!! when me and my daughters father broke up he told me to get out so i packed up everything and left...but the change didn't agree with my daughter whatsoever. she was only 6months old and we moved to my mums, then 4months later moved to our own house but she wont sleep in her own bed since we first moved i HAVE to be beside her when she falls asleep and if i move her to her bed and she wakes up she goes mad until i let her back with me.
it took her along time to settle back to normal again after that but i'm going off somewhere unless she staying with my mum she screams for me to come back, then when i do get back she won't let go of me for ages after. i don't know about your son but big changes just does not go down well with her.
my mum and dad are separated but live in the same house while the "who gets what" is being sorted. its very stressful on my brother sisters and especially my mum as we don't speak to my dad but even he's not allowed leave a mess behind him around the house as that's the only occasion he's spoken to, or if he's gone before anyone else gets home his dirty dishes etc. are left in his room to wash himself when he gets back, my point is your not there to be his maid your there because your in a relationship and the house is just as much his responsibility as it is yours, if he's able to make a mess cooking for himself, put on his clothes and dirty them himself then he's well able to clean up and wash his clothes himself.
as regards him not looking after your son when you had to go to work thats whats insane..its not like he's doing it everyday so, in my opinion, he should have jumped for joy at the chance to spend the day with him. and apart from that he is his son too he shouldn't be trying to make you do it all on your own.
have you told him that if he expects you to do all the house work and take care of your son all by yourself then your going to have to give up work otherwise its just not do-able?? maybe den he might see where your coming from?

sorry just realized iv rambled on and on there
i hope everything works out for you and your son to be happy whatever choice you make

Elisha - posted on 11/08/2010

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Sorry, any woman who posts this instead of picking up that bag he's already packed and heading out the door with the kid under the other arm is ill in the head. If you truly need external modivation to do this instead of just picking up and going, then you're not ready to leave him yet.
Women, for some reason, take on this role. They believe it's reasonable for a man to treat them like this, for them to work full time and also run a house and be solely responsible for the kids as well. It's not reasonable. While it may be more normal then I'd like, it's certainly not correct.
When he tells you things like "I'll find somebody else who will" a part of him simply wants to intimidate you into staying in a relationship that is not equal. This is what men with low self worth do, they attempt to bring their mates down not only to boost their own esteem, but to assure that they will not leave. This enables their behavior; if I were free to do what I liked on my time off, no child rearing and no cleaning, I would want to stay in that position as well. However that's not fair, so he has to abuse you in order to get this. You are not his wife, not his lover. You are his mother, and he's a spoiled brat.
Pick up and go. Otherwise your son will begin learning from this example.

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sounds like an asshole... maybe you need to give him an ultimatum tell him how you are feeling and that you are considering leaving. Maybe go to counseling if he still doesn't seem to want to pitch in. In my opinion it shows a lack of respect for you and a lack of responsibility for his child. If you just put up with it nothing will change and you will be miserable. I don't think it would be out of line since he told you he could find someone else that's really messed up thing to say. The best thing a father can do for his kids is love their mommy!

Samantha - posted on 11/07/2010

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I am so sorry you have to deal with that! No one should ever speak nor treat another in such a manner!



I have found when I praise my husband for the doing the small things, they start to become more frequent. Tell him how much it meant to you that the ONE article of clothing made it in the laundry basket. Read this article, it really made me think about the way I was approaching things with him. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/06/25/fashio...



I realized it is very similar to how I trained my dogs. Positive reinforcement coupled with building to the desired response works wonders. Good luck!

Dyan - posted on 11/07/2010

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wow. that's a tough one. you got together and it was fine and dandy of course and now you two have a child together. that's a big change but that's your life. you were a stay at home mom, well of course you did all the housework, but now you're working! WTH! My daughter is 2 and a half. I was a stay at home mom and then I started working. Before I started working I told my husband that he had to help me around the house because there was no way that I was going to work full time AND continue to do all the housework AND be mommy. He of course didn't help me do everything around the house but he did do little things here and there and cleaned up after himself which I totally appreciated because he never did that before(I think it's a guy-thing). What it comes down to is that you two are a team. This isn't 1950 anymore. You're just a human, not a robot. Yes, we women can handle things that men will never be able to but that doesn't mean that we should take on all the slack ourselves. I'm not saying to leave him but girl, you better put his ass on check. Like you said, his name is on the house, not yours. If he wants to play that game, then play it with him. That's real shitty. Sorry, but I say things like it is. And if he wants you to do all that shit yourself "or else" then tell his ass to be the only one working and then you can continue to do all the housework and mommy because there is no way in hell that you're doing all three! Don't take that shit!

Lauren - posted on 11/07/2010

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If my husband said that to me I would say fine I will leave haha then see how dirty it gets. I don't know a single woman who would do that!! I think you should demand more respect and take control of the situation. I would say I will leave if you don't help me or respect me more. By being the one who makes the threats you are taking control of the situation and have the ultimate decision, not him.

Tiffany - posted on 11/06/2010

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No matter what, he doesn't have a right to talk to you that way. I can't tell you to leave or not leave, but you need to do what is best for you and your child. If you are going to leave, you can get child support. It doesn't matter that his name is on the house, they are not going to make you and the baby leave...they will make him leave if it comes down to it. If he isn't willing to listen and communicate openly, then there isn't much you can do. I would call about setting up child support and getting full custody rights and see what type of assistance is out there for you. You work full time, there is NO reason he can't help with the house duties. From experience, after trying everything else leaving is the only thing that could make him change. If he is threatening to leave you and find someone else, I wouldn't put up with it. Good Luck hun.

Justan - posted on 11/06/2010

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leave, you are a woman, not a maid! It takes an equal partnerrship to be happy and equal doesn't have to be 50-50, but both parties need to be supportive for a relationship to be fulfilling! You're worth it!

Liz - posted on 11/06/2010

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My husband was the exact same way. Find healthy outlets. My husband wouldn't pick up his clothes or take out the trash because it was "my job". I was quiet for too long. my hormones got the best of me. I put his clothes and the trash on his work truck. Dirty dishes around the house? in the garage next to his tools. at first he threw them away to prove a point but when we ran out of plates and cups - my point was made.
in a relationship, everyone has to compromise. everything should be 50/50. but as mothers and working moms we know its like 70/30. i prefer 70/30 versus 100/0.
As far as leaving or staying, what is most important is your sons and your happiness. and even then its not that simple because finances play a huge role. The only one that can decide this is you. I knew my husband was an asshole before i married him, I knew what i said "i do" to, think about it before you do.
I am sorry, it must be a horrible feeling for him to threaten to throw you out but remember these behaviors before you commit a life time to him.

Amber - posted on 11/06/2010

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Hi girl, my heart hurts for you. 6 years ago, I left that very same relationship. The way he is treating you is abuse. I didn't think I could do it on my own either, but found out that by not taking care of him, I was freeing up so much time. In fact, I had enough time to enroll in college. Now I work full time, the man I've been with for the last year and a half stays home (he suffers from a seizure disorder). He cleans the house, does the laundry, packs the kids lunches, etc.) In fact, he loves the kids like they are his own, and we are, in every sense of the word, a family.
My point is, staying with your child's father, is not always the best thing for your child, and although it's scary, and hard sometimes, staying because you're scared isn't good for your health.
When I left 6 years ago, he told me I'd never find anyone who would love me and accept the kids, I have 4 children. I didn't look for anyone right away, I took myself to counselling, and worked on my self esteem because it had been so beaten down, for so long, that I really didn't believe I would ever find anyone who loved me.
Today, my kids are happy, and they are growing up in an environment where my man takes care of me because he loves me, and because we are a family.
I can't tell you what to do, but what I can tell you, is that you are a beautiful and intelligent woman, don't ever let anyone, even yourself, tell you any different.
***HUGS***

Ashleigh - posted on 11/06/2010

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I understand my boy friend works full time and I go to school in the morining work part time in the after noon then come home clean cook do homework and take care of the baby and I never get help I try to get him to understand that I have so much going on and all he has is work but he dosint!! Girl you deserive better!! There are goon men out the but it's your choice to find them!!

Leigh - posted on 11/05/2010

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I went through the same thing...i kicked him out. There is more to a family then just bring home the bacon...if you cant get him to understand that you will have to either leave that way or change it. Good luck

Kyra - posted on 11/05/2010

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I agree with a lot of the women who have posted on this. But I know that it will come down to what you really need to do. I an a SAHM and all of those duties fall to me. I firmly believe that if you are working a full time job that the duties of the house and care of the child should be split. Maybe you should talk to him, blow right back up at him when he does it to you. It might shock him. My hubby didnt understand that I need me time. He was crabby with me one day and I let him have it. Now when I ask him for help he pauses and then usually does it. I am sorry to hear that you are having trouble.... but you cant be wonder woman all the time.

Amanda - posted on 11/05/2010

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I don't thin couples realize how drastically having children can effect your relationship. My husband and I have a 31 month old and a 3 month old. I wanted to wait for the second child but he made me feel guilty for not being ready to have another kid yet. I tried to explain that I was just getting adjusted to having one child and I thought 2 would be more then I could handle...he didn't care. Now I'm struggling on a daily basis and seeing a doctor who continues to tell me I need more me time (I'm a SAHM) and if I don't get it I'm headed down a path that will lead me to the hospital. My husband does work all day but he gets to leave at the end of the day. I work all day but he doesn't see what I do as work. He tells me all the time that I shouldn't complain and that there's a million other women out there who do what I do everyday and they don't complain...wow that's motivating, thanks babe! He's hunting this weekend and played golf last weekend. Somedays I don't get to shower or eat...but he's playing golf! Anytime I mention how much I'm struggling and this is the exact reason I wanted to wait, he responds by yelling to my 3 month old son, (Sorry, Mommy didn't want you!) Really is that necessary? Anyways...dealing with the same thing....I'll let you know if we resolve our issues. To help myself for the time being I'm seeing a thereapist just to vent and not explode!

Olivia - posted on 11/05/2010

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i just read your response to Carolyn. it sounds like he knows you wont leave and he keeps saying he will get someone better to make you think he is the best you will get. It may take one of leaving just to open his eyes. He needs to know he cant just walk all over you. plus if he is already taking advange of you now than it will only get worse when you are married. If you plan on staying then i would get your name put on the house.

Olivia - posted on 11/05/2010

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is he the father? girl i would have already been out of there. it sounds like he doesnt respect you at all! you need to find someone better that will help you out and love spending time with your child.

Kiara - posted on 11/05/2010

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I think you should try counseling first because you are engaged and have a child together. I think its crazy that he feels this way and I was in a relationship like that but ended up leaving after counseling because nothing changed. While some women would be down for that its not you so you may not be for him. If he really love he would try to compromise and be your partner. Unfortunant but true, everybody aint for everyone.

Cydney - posted on 11/05/2010

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You can do much better than him. By telling you that he can find someone better that is in a way mental and emotional abuse. He has completely un- realistic expectations of you. You are better off leaving. NO one should have to put up with that sort of garbage! I'd tell him to kiss my behind and walk out. His loss. You sound like you've got it together and sound like a wonderful mommy. Don't let some jerk like that take advantage of you and treat you that way.

Julie - posted on 11/05/2010

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sometimes a reality check for them...a taste what will happen if they don't step it up is a good thing. You will know what to do. Even if it is a hard decision.

Laura - posted on 11/05/2010

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Wow... the decision is yours, but I would absolutely NOT put up with that and don't know a single woman who would.

Stephanie - posted on 11/05/2010

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My father always said "Never make a decision when your mad, upset, fed up, or struggling. Always do it when your happy with where you are. If you do you'll never regret your decision."



Relationships are full of passion and emotions which is why when something hurtful like this occurs it can seem that the only way out is the door. Often the hurt covers up anything good in the relationship.



My relationship with my husband is great, always has been, but there have been a few times when my bags where packed because of something I felt would never be resolved. I've never left because I thought of my children and my father's quote and when the smoke cleared it seemed unimaginable to leave.



The strongest relationships usually blow up at one point or another.

I would never advice a person to stay or leave but this is a decision you can confidently make on your own. Just wait until your relationship is at it's best, well after this confrontation has blown over.



For now my personal preference in these situations is to not talk to him at all. I swallow my pride, fume inside and pick up a few plates. (Really, I've had the cleaning argument before =). This is not something that you'll probably beable to resolve while your both still hot but it will need to be resolved.

[deleted account]

sounds to me like this is a situation unhealthy for you and your child..and a little like hes not ready for fatherhood or family life. I'm so sorry I hope things get better for you and your child.

[deleted account]

Wow Kayle - you did not choose well. There was a time when mothers did do all that work - but that was their job. stay home and take care of the house.

Things have changed and women are now in the work place full time and both partners in the relationship need to do their part.

"He told me that i need to either clean the house or move out. He said my stuff is already packed and that if i wouldnt clean the house today that he would find somebody better than me to do it."

That pretty much says it all. He does not value you as a person - you are his replaceable housekeeper. That is how he sees you.

I would not remain in a relationship where the man is ready to kick me out any time I don't bow to his demands and I would NOT raise my children in that environment.

Sarah - posted on 11/05/2010

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I think that if you're already considering leaving, then he's not 'the one' and it isn't worth the stress and hardship to you and your son. If he can't appreciate you as a person, and what you do for him, then the relationship is one-sided anyway, and it isn't healthy.

Jackline - posted on 11/05/2010

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Talk to him and explain how you feel and then if he is willing give him a chance to change, maybe he is assuming that you are comfortable with the situation, just talk things out

Erin - posted on 11/04/2010

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I am kinda in the same situation, even though I am home with my almost 3 year old I am 6 weeks away from having baby number 2, and I clean house and do everything while he at work 10 hours a day 5 days aweek, but when it comes to friday, he takes off Drinking with his brother or friends doesnt come home untill saturday and then stays in bed all weekend, all I ask for him is to spend some time with us, especailly his son, but he wont, and when I say I going out for a couple hours look after your son he has to ask where I going when i be back, and dont be to long, I am thinking of living myself, it as if i already a single parent so why not do it properly, why can he have all this freedom and I can't have just a couple hours to myself once a week...... hope it all works out for us.

Christina - posted on 11/04/2010

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I'd leave. I would not put up with a man who was lazy at home and did not help then bashed me and belittled me for not cleaning. I'd tell him to clean his own house if he wanted it clean!

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