How do you start forgiving the people, who hurt you so badly?

Freda L - posted on 02/17/2013 ( 4 moms have responded )

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I've lived in a abusive houshold for as long as I can remember. I think I was 8yrs old and my brother was 2yrs old. My mother was a single women raising my brother and I back around '77, so I know it must have been hard. I was a single mother raising 6 kids, so I know. My mom was always angry, no matter what the situation was. She was very physical and verbal towards me, but she treated my brother like an angel, he could do no wrong. I was beaten seem like everyday, that I can remember with extension cords, switches off the tree, belts, wooden spoons, cast skillets, hot comb or whatever was in arm reach at the time. When I was 10yrs and my brother was 4yrs old my mother married my brother father. I was really scared of him, because he was a big man and he always had a gun around him. That's when the sexual abuse started. It was mostly touching, kissing and oral. He would help me take a bath and dry me off when my mom wasn't around. I thought that was strange, but I was alway told, when a adult tell you to do something you did it. He would come to my bedroom at night and get into bed with me. I would always see the gun as well. He told me not to say anything, because no one would believe me and he would really hurt me. He was right, I told everyone who I trusted, but no one belived me. I told teachers, friends, family members even the police in that town. It was a small town where everyone knew everyone. My uncle and aunt worked for the police department at the time and he didn't believe me. When I was 11yrs old we all moved to a diffrent city, because my mom got a better paying job working the night shift. The abuse toward me was getting worse, actually he was raping me on a daily basis by gun point. Everytime I would run away, the police would bring me back home. I would beg the officers not to take me home. My mom knew what was going on and didn't do a thing about it. I eventually became pregnant by my step-dad at the age of 12yrs. old and having a little girl at the age of 13yrs old. I asked my mom, why would she allowed this to happen. She told me that she had to have a hysterectomy after my brother was born, so she was not able to have anymore kids. She wanted him to be happy, so I was next in line. All together I had 2 miscarriages and 4 kids by my step- dad. I ended up having a son and 3 daughter. He already had a son from a previous marriage and a son by my mom. So in total my step-dad had 3 sons and 3 daughters. My step-dad passed away in April 1999 and my mom passed away in January 2009. I didn't have the chance to tell them exactly what was on my mind. I've had a few abusive boyfriends and in a abusive marriage. In the last 5yrs I was stabbed over 5 times and shot 7 times. Each time left for dead, but GOD didn't let me go just yet. I know he has plans for me right now, but I have a hard time trusting men and low self-esteem. I missed out on my childhood from the time I was 10yrs old to 18yrs. old, but I put myself through college and graduated with two master's degrees. I took very good care of my kids and I love all of them with all my heart and soul. I never for once blamed my kids for anything. I ended up having 6 kids in all. The (14 & 19) is by my ex-boyfriend and the,26,27,28 and my oldest daughter would've been going on 31 this year, but she passed away 12-12-08(RIP) are from my step-dad. (I know it must be confusing a little). I also have 6 grandkids. I do have a current boyfriend now, but the relationship is a little rocky due to my pass. He's a wonderful guy and I don't want to do anything to loose him. I've told him everything about my pass and he still has been by my side for 18 months now. I just want to know how do I start forgiving and letting go? I've been to church, counseling, therapy and out of pocket finacially as well. I also pray alot, but my heart is still heavy. I've held this in for over 36yrs. I'm tired of stressing, crying every night and being angry all the time. If anyone have a similar situation!!!!! PLEASE!!!!! share.

4 Comments

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Tabby - posted on 09/11/2013

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My situation isn't real close to yours, but still similar in ways that the people we were suppose to love and trust hurt us the most. And it seems the older I get, the more it bothers me. Family members/friends raped and molested me as a child, my moms boyfriends would sexual abuse me as teenager, and her husband in the past year drugged me and tried to rape me with my kids in the house. Forgiveness is what I need to work on. I find it very difficult to forgive anyone who has done me wrong for any reason , my mother being the source of it. All I can tell you is keep praying, keep holding your head up and take care of yours cause you kinda sound like me, and my kids are the only reason I've made it this far. I wish someone had a magic pill to make all this pain and torment disappear. I just realized how long ago your post was lol, I hope you have come along way this year. Prayers for you and your family!!

Cc - posted on 03/03/2013

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I'm sorry you've been through all of that and admire you for making it as far as you have and accomplishing all that you have. Someone once told me that forgiving someone is not for that person to know what you've been through, but for yourself to understand that you have survived it and will be okay. Forgiving someone else is done to liberate YOURSELF. It shouldn't be done to get an apology. You never will get an apology, but you CAN free yourself. There are honest and kind people in this world and I hope that you surround yourself with them because you deserve that. Good luck.

Renea - posted on 02/24/2013

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I cannot say I have been close to anything you have gone through but to forgive everybody who has harmed you is not going to be easy at all.... from what you have said the two major players your mom and step dad have passed away so forgiving them is solely for personal reasons because they will never "know" how they hurt you or what effects it has had on you with a situation like that means you have to look deep inside yourself but when you do don't try to find understanding or meaning in other people's past acts.... Look inside yourself with the idea that you are going to look for a lesson in every situation you have faced... positive or negative try to find something that will help you gain knowledge from what has happened. it could be something simple like no-matter what your children tell you as their mother you will personally investigate it yourself all the way up to every man you date will get a background check and cannot drink or do drugs of any kind... you may be able to look around yourself and be able to help your own children once you allow your eyes to open more.... eventually you will look back and notice that it does not hurt as much or that you can talk about things without crying or feeling like there was some way to change your past good luck and keep god with you you will need the spiritual guidance to continue as you go through what you will have to face to forgive

Keba - posted on 02/18/2013

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sorry 2 hear about ur upbringing n God was always with u wit all dat happened...i dont hv a similar situation bt Forgiveness begins with you..Trust God..n he wud make u 2 understand that forgiveness is nt for the others bt its fuh you.....

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