How long should a relationship be before allowing your ex to introduce his "new girl" ?

Tendra - posted on 08/21/2012 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I have a 3 yr old daughter. Her father recently left mid July and met this girl shortly after. She as been in jail 7 times for serious charges like: theft, burgerly, possesion of drugs, trespassing, fraud, failure to leave..etc. and also has a 3 yr old daughter as well. My ex and her automatically started staying at his aunts house together and recently got kicked out. They are now living at his parents house. My daughter has not met this girl yet, althought my ex and this girl are pushing the subject. I do not feel comfrontable with the situation. Mainly bc it's been less than a month and the new girl doesn't even have her daughter. She just sees her every once in awhile bc her parents have the little girl. My ex's family have been on myside until they moved in to their home. Now they are pushing for my daughter to meet her. Is it wrong for me to now allow the meet? What is a "normal" time frame that should be given before allowing my ex to introduce his "new girl"

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Melody - posted on 08/22/2012

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I would be worried, too. This girl does not have a good track record. However, you don't want to start off on the wrong foot with your ex if yall are going to have to communicate for the next 15+ years, so I'd try to stay calm and explain how I'm feeling. Tell him that you are not trying to judge or cause problems, but that you want to make sure that your daughter is safe and that she isn't being influenced by questionable people. Would it be possible for YOU yourself to meet this girl and talk for a while before your daughter meets her? Maybe you could be there when your daughter meets her for the first couple of times. You don't want to come off as pushy, but at the same time your daughter needs you to speak up for her when she can't speak for herself and doesn't have any grasp on the effects that this could have on her. Good luck, girl!

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Jackie - posted on 08/24/2012

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As it seems that you are the only stable person in your daughters life, think of the situation with the perspective of: What is in the best interests of your daughter? Use your gutt instinct and you will know what to do :D Your Ex's Girlfriend doesnt seem to be the type of person you would like to influence your daughter as the GF is irresponsible and not an appropriate role-model for positive growth as she cannot even look after herself or govern herself accordingly.



Good luck,



Jackie B(Edmonton, Alberta, Canada)

Samantha - posted on 08/23/2012

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I totally agree with you, and personally I wouldn't let my child even meet my ex's partner unless they were confident and I was confident that the relationship was a long term one. I'm not sure you can measure this by the length of time the relationship has been going for, but it sounds to me like you are looking at all the factors surrounding the relationship and that you don't have confidence that this is the right thing for your daughter. Instincts are important! Listen to them if you can.



This is only my opinion, but I would be asking your ex's mother to take a step back, and tell her that he needs to talk with you about it. If you can tell him that you want to be comfortable with your daughter having time with him and his new partner should he so choose, but in order to do so, you need the opportunity to talk about it, and to know her a little bit yourself, so that you feel you can trust them both with her. If you can't talk together about these things, then the best thing to do would be to get some kind of objective mediator - ie not his mother. You will need to agree on lots of finer details as well, not just the contact but how it will occur, what your daughter will be told about who the woman is eg is she his friend or what? etc, and it would be respectful of him to let you know if and when he wants that information given to you daughter to change.

From the sounds of her history I don't think she is a safe person at all for your daughter, and I certainly wouldn't be agreeing to her having time alone with her. The other question is whether your partner can keep her safe while the new woman is around, or is he being influenced by her behaviour and likely to place your daughter in harms way also?



I hope you can find some way to work it out.

Tasha - posted on 08/23/2012

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I don't think I would let it happen. Maybe if you met her first, and only after knowing it's a long-term relationship. I don't think it's right to bring different people in child's life without being sure it's long term. Also, I wouldn't communicate with his mother about your child. He's the father, and he needs to grow up. He's going to have to deal with you for the rest of the child's life (at least until she's 18), and he needs to do it. Good luck.

User - posted on 08/22/2012

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It's a tough situation. I am not fully over her father and from what I hear he is not over me.. He tells this new girl that he still cares about me and loves me. He also tells his family that he hates to know that he has hurt me. I try to talk to him about his relationship with this girl and he wont talk. He has is mother do all the talking for him. I have mentioned if the tables were turned how would he feel. He mother has said that she has mentioned that to him and he said that he would hate it.. That he would just have to "confront the guy and tell him how it's going to be". Well, I dont understand how they expect me to just be okay with the situation and agree to our daughter meeting her when it's been just a month. I feel like she is using him and he is using her. Like this is a rebound situation, you know? I feel in my heart that neither one of us should ever try to let anyone else of the opposite sex meet our daughter unless we can say for sure with out a doubt that we think that there will be a long commitment with that person. To just bring someone in to our daughters life after a month doesn't seem to me like he has the best interest in our daughter. It's almost like a "trying to impress the other girl" thing. But, my ex will not contact me and ask to see Kelsie (our daughter). He has his mother do it for him. He also, does not help me out with her. I just dont know if it's a good idea.

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