How to not feel left out around other moms

Amanda - posted on 09/28/2009 ( 14 moms have responded )

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Hi my name is Amanda. I am 24 and have a 4 yr old son and 19 month old daughter. Since my son has gotten older and been involved in things (teeball and now prek) I've begun to notice other moms sneering at me or looking like I'm too young to have kids. Now my face does look like I'm a teenager, which I know will be good when I'm older, but as of right now, I'm still a mom and just because I look younger than I am doesn't mean I don't have feelings. I am a very shy person so I can't start up a conversation with someone. How can I either ignore or just deal with the fact that I can't make friends with moms in their 30's?

14 Comments

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Desi - posted on 06/08/2014

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I have the same problem. I'm 24, had my first daughter when I was 19 so she's 5 now and my 2nd is a little over 10 months old now. And in my community, you're either a middle-aged mom with a nanny or regular babysitter with a good job and an expensive home... or you're the teen mom who parties and neglects their kids. Granted, I'm neither. To those with the seemingly picture perfect life, I'm nothing. And well, I don't particularly have anything nice to say about the 14-17 year olds who leap with joy about getting pregnant in high school then leave their kids with anyone just so they can go do illegal things.... So I don't fit in anywhere either. And all the friends I had in/after high school just disappeared as soon as I got pregnant. I literally hang out with ONE person aside from my husband. A girl I knew in high school, she's great but she doesn't have kids or anything so it can sometimes be difficult to hang out with her, especially if I'm riding with her since she REALLY doesn't understand that I don't leaving my kids with people all day or all the time, or that I need to be home at a certain time because we have a life outside of what she wants to do.

Andrea - posted on 05/25/2014

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Hi Amanda,
I know exactly how you feel, I get left out all the time I am a 28 year old young looking I guess and now my 4 year daughter is even not being invited to birthdays but she is still told about them. I honestly don't know how I'm going to tell her she won't be going. I can handle it when people are rude to me I've had it my whole life but when they start neglecting my children it does sting.
-andrea

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Emma I don't think that its so much the age that we are but the age ratio between the parent and the child. My son just turned 8 and I am 27 so yea when I was pregnant I was still a teenager and thats what you feel like they are looking at. At least to me that and the fact that I am a single mom.

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I know how you feel even though I am one of those close to thirty moms! lol! I am 27, a single mom of 3, and I live with my parents. The down fall of this is that I live in a community where everyone married their high school sweet hearts and have the perfect house with the perfect lawn blah blah blah.
I remember going to my sons parent teacher conference last year(he was in second grade at the time) and the teacher asked if his dad was meeting with us. When I told her that he doesn't see his father her jaw hit the floor. Even the other parents in his class seemed offended by my presence during one of his field trips. Once I told them I was a single mom none of them talked to me. But hey every kid wanted to be in my group so at least I am cool with the kids. lol!

Nikki - posted on 09/28/2010

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Im 28 and I have a 15 month old son, but get mistaken for a teen mom all the time, in the area I live in most of the moms are well into their 30's and all have nannies.... I try to not let it bother me that people talk nonsense but at the same time im 28 married and finished school and have done very well for ourtselves so sometimes i voice my opinion... I have just stuck with my mommy friends and if I join a playgroup Ill stick with one of the younger moms and thats that.... be thankful you look so good for your age, and just tell people that , then they will envy you more so then anything else

Kim - posted on 09/28/2010

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I saw this and had to respond, then I noticed this was a 20-30 group, I'm 44. I have the opposite problem. I'm getting too old for the younger crowd to hang around with me. I am just like you only on the other end. I look young so it wasn't much of a problem when I was in my upper 30's but it seems the other Moms are now leaving me out. There are plenty of snobs at all ages. I say go for the older Moms. They don't care how old you are, they are just looking for someone to chat with and maybe have playdates for their kids. Good luck!

Hanna - posted on 09/29/2009

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I get the same looks everywhere that I go. I had my son when I was 18, and now he's almost 3. I am petite and look very young, I'm 21, but most people guess that I'm 16 or 17. I used to get upset about the dirty looks. Especially because you know that we don't fit into their idea of "bad teen moms". I feel that I am more attentive and caring than some older mothers out there. I even used to try to fit into the conversation anything that proved that I didn't fit into that category (i.e. that I'm a college student, that I never go out or leave him with people), but when you are defending yourself, you are lowering yourself to their level. Don't let it bother you! I enjoy the company of girls around my same age with children and ideals similar to mine. I do have a few friends in their 30's who do not fall into that judgmental category. Just act in a way that proves them wrong, and don't let it bother you, pity them for their small-mindedness.

Natalee - posted on 09/29/2009

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I completely understand how you feel! I'm a bit older (26) and I have a two and a half year old and another due in feb. I live in a community were it seems like everyone either had children as kids themselves or waited untilll their 30's. I don't think the problem is you at all! I find that parenting is almost like a competitive sport in which your constantly being judged on your appearance, your childs appearance, what you eat, where you go, etc. I think that a lot of moms wish they would have had children younger (though everyone has their reasons and what works best for their family) and so they can't help but give these dissapproving looks because maybe they wish they could be more like us. It goes both ways, I love having kids but sometimes I wish I would have been more settled before I started to have them. I guess maybe people always want what they don't have. My advice is to focus on your kids. I hate the way these women stare sometimes but I just become more involved with my son in retaliation. Maybe they wish they had the energy to run around the playground withiut worrying about getting their fancy clothes dirty. Try to seek out special childrens days at local museums, zoo's, etc. The more you put yourself out there the more opportunities you'll have to find like minded people. Maybe I should actually follow my own advice instead of just thinking about it lol. Good luck and don't worry! Youlll still have the energy to deal with all the fun of teenagers while those who waited may wish for such a luxury.

Jessoliver87 - posted on 09/29/2009

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I have the same sort of problem, I am 22 and my son is 9mths old. We go to baby swimming every wednesday. I am by far the youngest mum in the class and I get looked at strangely and ignored by the other mums. To be honest, it does hurt a little bit being left out but at the end of the day, I am happy with my choice to have my son. If they don't like the fact that I'm at least 10 years younger than them, then thats their problem not mine!

Jessica - posted on 09/28/2009

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I know how you feel that people give you looks for being young, I'm 23 and have a 17 month old son and about to have number 2 in Feb. It's hard to make friends when people seem to notice you looker... My son and I go to lots of activities and only a few mums have spoken to me, but I've found friends of my own that have kids I am really close with now, and have a couple of close older mum friends. I think in general it is hard to make friends when you are a parent... the only places to meet people are where you take your kids!

Kylie - posted on 09/28/2009

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hmm i think you need to work on your confidence. If your proud to be a young mother and you're secure in your own skin then getting those "looks" will just roll of your back. Smile and stand tall and try to talk to some other mum's, It's hard to make friends but just remember to be yourself and let it happen naturally , if someone doesn't like you because your young then good! why would you want to waste your time talking to such shallow individuals.

I have a four year old and Ive made one really good friend through kindy and shes 12 years older than me. She's really cool i had no idea she was nearly 40. You'll make friends , it just takes time.

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