How would you feel if you found out.. (sorry gave wrong impression)

[deleted account] ( 13 moms have responded )

Okay I asked before how would you feel if you found out after you married you partner (or after your child(ren) were born) had been a Donor.

Or how would you feel if you had just found this out when one of his offsprings try contacting him.



I am re asking this as I have given the impression that my partner has done this to me- he hasn't.

I was concieved through sperm donation.



I wanted to see what your opinion would be.

Thank you

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Stefanie - posted on 07/24/2009

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To be perfectly honest, I would be completely devastated. I can't even explain how special I feel that my husband thought I was the only woman worthy enough to bear his children. If another woman showed up with his child I would be forever left with the sting of truth that I'm NOT that special after all, just 2nd best (even if he never really slept with her).



The other reason it would leave me devastated is b/c our children would go from having a stable family unit to having a "broken home" overnight when we didn't sign on for this. When I had children with my DH I was doing so knowing that it would be him, I and our children living happily ever after. I didn't do it thinking I would ever be a step-mother or have to negotiate our children's time with their father while he took care of business else where.







If the child were an adult that showed up when we were older it would be easier to deal with b/c we wouldn't have to go through custody battles, child support and so on but it would still leave me very upset and I would feel very cheated.

Aubree - posted on 07/24/2009

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I would be upset that I wasn't told about him being a donor, but I wouldn't be upset about the child ( or adult) trying to contact him. That's your father even if you didn't have that connection,you still want to know about where you came from. That's natural and I'm hoping any wife or girlfriend/partner would understand that. If you are trying to contact your father, good luck I hope it turns out the way you hoped it would.

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Kate CP - posted on 07/25/2009

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If I was his wife I would be upset about him not telling me sooner. I wouldn't be upset about him having other children out there...just that he didn't tell me. I'm big on family so if it were my husband and his offspring came looking for him I would probably insist on them meeting our children and becoming part of the family. Maybe insist isn't the best word...strongly encourage. :)

I would tread lightly and be very careful during your next steps to finding your donor. Feel out the situation before you dive in.

Laura - posted on 07/25/2009

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I think you have a right to know medical history, other than that, it's really none of your business unless he wants to contact you.

Brandy - posted on 07/25/2009

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Im not sure i would be upset about any of it, you are still his child, and you want to know who he is. There is nothing wrong with that at all, I wish you good luck in this journey if you choose to take it.

Amanda - posted on 07/25/2009

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I would be upset that my partner hadn't told me about it, and probably a bit jealous. However, I would also be thankful that I had a husband who would give another person or couple the opportunity to have a child when she/they would be unable to do so otherwise! It might take me an hour or two of thinking to be at peace with his decision, but that's all.

Brandy - posted on 07/25/2009

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If I was married and my husband had been a sperm donor I don't think I'd be upset..he gave the opportunity for someone else to have a child that wasn't able to for some reason or another. If anyone can donate their sperm or an egg like that then they can't be too bad of a person can they? That in itself is a pretty unselfish act, the real question would be how would he feel about being contacted. If you're planning on finding and contacting him do it slowly. By this I mean make sure that you're prepared for any outcome that may be..anything can happen as I'm sure you've already thought several times to say the least. Just don't go into it thinking that everything will wind up being perfect but at the same time I'm not saying to not contact him if possible. You'll never know unless you just go for it and if anyone gets upset over it then just keep in mind that it's because of their own insecurities and it has nothing to do with you as a person. You were and are obviously loved and wanted no matter what, after all just look at what your parents had to go through in order for you to be here. That in itself shows just how much you were loved and wanted by your parents even before you existed. good luck with whatever you decide!

[deleted account]

Stefani,

I understand what you mean on both your posts. Yes you are right, I did ask for your opnion.

My Mother went on to remarry (Its a long story lol her first hubby had a bone disorder) and her husband became my social father, they went on to have two children together, I was told of my conception infront of my younger sister and brother. I did at times feel resentment from both of them because they thought I was more special then them ( if you get what I mean, lol), which I was not.

I completley understand what you are saying and I do appologies if I have given you the wrong impression.

Stefanie - posted on 07/24/2009

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I think you are misunderstanding my post. I didn't say the children would be less special. I said *I* would feel less special b/c I'm under the impression that *I'm* the only woman who got to bear my DH's children.

Aubree - posted on 07/24/2009

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I agree with you Jean, no one in that situation is any less special. Everyone just wants to know where they came from, who they are and what they could be, who their kids could be. Its all about knowing. I can see where you are coming from.

Stefanie - posted on 07/24/2009

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I didn't mean that you were looking for gain. I was just answering for how I would feel. Trust me, I know how you feel to want to find your father (I too wish to someday meet my father). It's not against the child that I would feel this way. It is only natural that a wife might feel cheated out of the life she *expected* if her DH fathered a child she didn't know about.

[deleted account]

Dear Stefanie,

I can totally understand where your coming from but it is never a DO intenstion to seek financial gain when/if we find our Donor, or to break up a family, or to make his children

feel that they are not as "special". All children are special. These men give our parents a special gift, an opportunity to experiance parent hood, and for the women, to experiance a pregnancy.

My Nana and mother told me when I was 9, that a very special man gave my mother a gift of life.I don't see this man as my father/dad as I already have one.

The way I have felt growing up about my identity, is the same as a person who was adopted (although I have been brought up by my birth mother). I wonder how much I look like the donor or if certain things I do,is what he does.

Another reason why I want to search is because I have, also, been able to experiance mother hood with having my own child with my partner, and both my son and I are both with out complete medical history.

I'm about to send my letter away to the donor clinic, asking if they are willing to give me any information on the donor (eg height, hair/eye colour) and am aware that the donor may not wish to have any contact, which I am fine with.

Jessica - posted on 07/24/2009

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It was not your choice to be conceived through sperm donation, so you have a right to know about your bloodline. If you want to contact your sperm donor, go ahead, and let him decide if his wife should know. I personally would want to be informed if my husband had been a donor, but it would not change our relationship. He may have had a good reason for doing it. And it couldn't have been a bad thing because it made you. Most people adjust to things pretty well after the shock wears off. If I were in your position, I would contact my donor. Hope this helps.

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