Hubby wants wife that he married before kids not mommy mode wife.

Danielle - posted on 06/23/2012 ( 23 moms have responded )

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Help!!!! My hubby tells me that I am not the woman he married. I am always in moomy mode and dont know how to get out of it. I am a stay at home mom and just moved to another town and know practically no one. He tells me that if I want to go out he will watch kids but I feel like they need me and dont want to go out. I love my hubby with all my heart and want to make him happy but I just dont know what to do. It was a lot easier to go out and have fun before kids but now thats all I think about, what the kids need and what has to be done around the house. And if on the rare occassion I do go out I feel guilty because Im not home taking care of my family like a mom and wife should be. My hubby loves to hang out with his friends and we tend to argue about it alot because he needs time away from us but all I want to do is spend my time with them. He is my best friend and so to go hang out with someone else is hard because all I want to do is hang out with him. Please help with any advice, I feel my marriage is in trouble and want to try and save it.

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Michelle - posted on 06/23/2012

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Biggest thing you need to do is, set aside one night a month and make it date night find yourself a babysitter and go on a date with your husband reconnect that way join a book club or some kind of activity be it exercise or such and take him up on his offer to watch the kids remember him watching the kids is bonding time for him as well. Reconnect with the woman you were and let a little bit of the mommy go every once in awhile as it will allow you a life outside of your family which will make transitions into school and eventually an empty nest easier.

Denise - posted on 06/24/2012

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Wow,Danielle! I just read this and felt like I posted it myself.This sounds so much like me it's scary.My heart goes out to you because I know what you are going through.I am a wife and a SAHM of 2 kids who are not school aged yet.I feel like Im losing my mind from not having my own life.I met my husband while I was in college.I was in my 2nd yr and things went really fast w us.We got married the following yr and our 1st baby was on the way.I dropped out of school during the pregnancy due to complications.When we were dating,he asked me to move in with him.The deal we had was that as long as I was in school he'd take care of me.So,I didnt try to work.I had friends then but began to lose touch with them the more serious my relationship got.Now it's been 4 yrs since we met and we now have 2 kids.I constantly find myself wishing I would've enjoyed my life and found myself more before becoming a wife/mom.Now I feel like thats all I am.I lost myself in trying so hard to be good at taking care of them.I did work for a little while after the 1st child was born but left while pregnant w the 2nd.Our 2nd came unexpectedly,so we've been struggling financially since his birth.
My advice to you,as someone in the same situation is to do whatever you can to take care of yourself.Find something you enjoy to help you recharge and not get burnt out. Make your husband stay with the kids like once a week for you to get out for a while-even if you just go get ice cream or to pick up a movie rental.I just started looking for work because I realized I was unhappy.My husband could see the change in me.I no longer found joy in the daily grind.It even affected our marriage.He got frustrated from seeing me not accomplish things and started being distant.Please dont let this happen to you.Luckily,my situation is changing since I began the job search.I wish you the best.Feel free to msg me if you ever need someone to talk to.

Chantel - posted on 08/03/2012

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Danielle, OMG, I'm stuck with the same situation. It drives me crazy. You mentioned that he seems helpless sometimes also, I felt the same way. I really had to step out in faith and let go. He is their father, he wants what's best for them also and will not do anything intentional to harm the kids, so after repeating that to myself 1000 times, I finally had a girls night out and it was exactly what I needed. I recognized that my not wanting to go out was more of a control issue - probaly not your issue, but for me it was. I felt that if I wasn't there something would go wrong and things would not be done right - I had to let that go. While my husband's style of doing things may be different from mine, I realized that I had to let him do it his way and not come behind him and do it my way afterwards. It's hard, but once you let him do it a few times alone, it gets easier.

Bethany - posted on 06/26/2012

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Leave your kids and hubby alone! It will be good for them and you. You baby's have to learn to adapt without their mommy. This is most important in our individual society. They need to learn how to woo others to be successful in life, not just you. And your poor husband. He probably thinks in ten years when u wake up and realize u have done nothing for yourself you will regret him and your life. You don't have to have any friends to go out. Your hubby has to be home one day out of the week. Go get a facial or manicure or even a massage. (You might meet some friends.) How about a new bra and panties. U probably have the same ones on from before u became a mommy. The woman your husband married probably loved herself first. Doing this makes others see u r worth it and they want to love someone so worthy of love. You love you family more than yourself. Give yourself as much love otherwise no one else will.

Ruth - posted on 06/25/2012

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One thing to remember when it comes to leaving your kids with your husband is that he is a different person than you, and so will do things differently. And that's okay.

If you're really nervous about leaving them, then start small. Do you need to go bra shopping? Have him watch the kids while you do that, because it's SO much simpler to buy anything you need to try on without little ones in tow. Or run to the grocery store while he watches the kids (and, if you're me, buy yourself a cookie and eat it in the car where you don't have to share it with anyone under the age of 5). Or go to the library, and actually have a chance to look at the adult books, not just the children's and juvenile section.

And find a way to make friends so you can swap babysitting so that you and your husband can go out together--movies, dinner, or just a walk in the park. Spend time together without the children. Play games together. We like both board games and tabletop role-playing. But find the time to do the things you did when you were courting--the things you did together. And also do at least some of the things you did before you had children--find time to read, or do those hobbies you had before. I love my daughter and am excited about having another, but I also need time for myself.

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Livia - posted on 08/03/2012

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You know, sometimes I feel the same way. My husband always tells me that I was so much different when I didnt have my baby...But what I have to reply to that is "duuhhh",I used to feel free and have fun but right now its very hard. I went out only a couple of times without my son, and once I went with my sister in law to get my nails done and I was all anxious and couldnt wait to go home, and i did feel like I was a bad mom too. Guys need their space with other guys but its sad that most of the girls dont...I am like you I would be perfectly fine just spending everyday with my husband but I guess he doesnt feel the same way. But I think that slowly maybe itll get better. Try to hang out with some girlfriends so that you are not isolated and then I guess with some time you will get used to do stuff without your kids too. I really hope so for you and for me too.

TINA - posted on 07/19/2012

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I think that your husband is worried that your are losing Danielle and becoming "mom". There is nothing wrong with being mom but sometimes you need to prioritize Danielle. As a stay at home mom i did the same thing and didn't even realize that I had changed until my husband said something. He suggested I get a hobby or take a class. I ended up taking a class once a week at the local community college. It helped me so much. I made friends got out and slowly realized that its okay to leave my kids for a couple hours every week for me time. My hubby and I do date night ( morning since I don't like her to be with the babysitter too late.) we go to matinees, lunch and still spend time with our daughter. It makes me feel good and my daughter is so busy playing she doesn't even notice I'm gone. :( I know though that by doing it gradually it has helped my husband and I, my daughter get time with her father which she loves and looks forward to, and i get me time. Hope this helps.

Minnie - posted on 07/06/2012

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Wow, I have the same problem but the other way around. My husband is in full daddy mode and I can't get him out of it. (He is not the father of my two children but to him, they're his, and he's providing for them) So I understand your frustration, in a sense. Coming from the other "foot" I'll have to tell you, your "alone time" together is precious. Without talking about kids, about the house about bills. Having "independent" time keeps your relationship healthy. For example: The woman he married, was single independent had her own life. Was a person all by herself. So now... you're a woman with kids, and that's the woman you are, you're no longer an individual. and that's what he misses. The individual who he had things to talk about with, something that wasnt the kids. You love him, because he is his own person. He's got stuff to talk about. That's what he's looking for. You have to TRY.

Jessica - posted on 07/04/2012

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You would be surprised at how helpless guys can act, when in reality they really aren't helpless at all. My husband is the same way. If he wants you to go out, you need to get away and have some "me" time. When my oldest was a baby, my husband's "me" time was to go to the NFL games (he had season tickets), while my "me" time, was going to work my second job (I'm an athletic trainer and I work medical coverage for sports). We finally talked and realized that for me, while I am alone when I work, it isn't "me" time. Now I take the time to go for a run or go shopping and our marriage is much better now!

Bottom line, as much as you feel you should be home taking care of your children and husband, you need to also get out of mommy mode and take care of yourself, even if it is just for an hour to go get your hair cut or go to Target!

Good luck!

Divya - posted on 07/04/2012

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let your hubby be alone for atleast a night in the week with your kids. Do anything go for a movie or read a book at some cafe but go only then will you b able to balance it out .N be sure nothing is going to happn to either the kids or the father :) n trust me in the long run you will need time alone with your hubby . u need it in a relationship :) take a chill and dont b guilty

Amanda - posted on 07/02/2012

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I understand what you are going through. But because you are a stay at home mom you need to get out and socialize with some friends. I know you said you dont know anyone, but you need to make some new friends. Find other moms at the park, library or try to set up playdates with neighbors to get to know them. What might also help is for you to get a babysitter and you and your husband go out for the night....dinner.....movie.....shopping.....that will help get you out of mommy mode and reconnect with each other. Try to schedule this time together at least once a month. It might help save your marriage. Also, what about your husband helping with the chores around the house so that you can focus on him and your relationship instead of mommy mode. Or pick a night where after the kids go to bed, you two spend quality time together. no chores, no mommy mode. Give it a try, its not easy, but its worth it if its going to save your marriage.

Timora - posted on 06/28/2012

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I remember feeling that way especially when my first was under 1. Now with two kids under 4 plus working part time (my kids go with me when I work), I enjoy the breaks I get. For me there are two big reasons not to feel guilty when you go out: a good wife and mother has to take care of herself or she will burn out and your kids need time to bond with Daddy without you around. Moms and Dads have different strengths and will do things differently and it's good for your kids to spend time alone with him and see that things don't have to always be done your way. That way they will know they can rely on him to take care of bumps and bruises and have fun and everything else. I also love the excitement when I come home after leaving for a few hours - I have just enough time to miss them, my older one gets to tell me what she did and how much fun she had, things get done that I might not have done with them and I feel refreshed and more relaxed and am better able to be patient with them. My times out are usually just lunch or shopping on my own or working on Saturday without my kids, but it's enough.

We've also started trying to put the kids to bed a little early on Sunday and having a date night in every week. For us it became essential because of my husbands work hours. We have ice cream sundaes or a nice dinner without kids and play games or watch movies.

LaTonya - posted on 06/26/2012

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Hi Danielle,
I know exactly how you feel! I have been a stay at home wife & mom for 9 yrs. In the beginning, we were in Connecticut, away from family & friends, and with a baby. My husband was in the Navy, so he had friends and although I was cordial with some of the wives/girlfriends, it was always something that stopped us from really clicking. It wasn't until we moved near family that I was able to find my own way and separate being a mom and wife when needed. I don't have female friends here in Texas either, but my sister is hereand I have a adult nieceto hang out with. And my husband and I have"date night" at least twice a month. If we don't go out, we send the kids to my sister and we grab some takeout & we'll watch movies, play cards, xbox, or drink and listen to music. Sometimes we just find ourselves talking well into the night. Just being able to be together for some alone time is good enough for us.

Lakesha - posted on 06/25/2012

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This is very common from husbands. I heard the same exact thing from mine. my suggestion is to learn to balance your time. you have to continue to be the same wife to your spouse as your were before the kids. the children are an addition to your marriage not a priority over the marriage. its hard in the beginning to find balance but its possible. i take on the approach -when we had our second and third child the first didnt receive less love from me so just because im a sahm focusing on our kids i still have to show my husband the same love. fyi you need a break eventually...good luck it gets better

Lisa - posted on 06/25/2012

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Buy the book 50 shades of grey. This will make you and hubby very very happy. :) Join a new mommy and me club at a church or a meetup group. You need to be meeting other women with kiddie and doing things for you and your kids to socialize with others. Your hubby does need a guys night. You need a girls night, and you both need date nights. :) Your just going to have to muster up the courage and learn to leave your kiddos once in a while. All of us mommas go through that time when we don't want to leave our babies, or even feel like we can't enjoy ourselves when we are out and about. But you need to learn to do it so that you can de-stress. My first time to leave my daughter was when she was 18 months old. And it wasn't by choice! My husband had an accident and I had to go to a hospital with my husband for the week! That entire week was with out my baby and with out phone calls because my in laws were having too much fun on vacation and with my baby to worry about their son! So I was stuck in a horrIble bind of not being ably to see or talk to her. I couldn't help but wonder if she thought I had abandoned her?! But all in all my husband needed me, my daughter survived just fine, and I learned to get over not being able to leave her. Now I have three kiddos and I know that it is important to get away for a few hours and to have couples time. And it's always way better to prepare them for short absences rather than an emergency absence and having your kiddos stress! Hang in there! :)

Christina - posted on 06/25/2012

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Try getting to know the people & your new town with your kids. Go to the park & meet some of the other stay at home moms. Go to your local library & see what kind of activities they have going on for kids, whether it's story time or a puppet hour or a movie, take the & meet other parents. Also try looking up your town's website and see what activities they have going on that you and your family could get involved in that would includes your kids and would help you meet other parents. Once you have connected with other people similar to you or who share your interests, it will be easier to go out and have fun.

Natalie - posted on 06/24/2012

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I am having the same troubles Danielle! I feel the same way as you do! I am a mommy and a wife now! The person I was has shifted! It's a really hard balance. Good luck, I haven't found it yet...our son will be five months next week.

Stifler's - posted on 06/24/2012

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Make friends and go out. Seriously. Everyone needs time apart and you DO need time to be yourself not always mum and cleaning the house and making sandwiches.

Ileah - posted on 06/23/2012

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I think you need time to yourself to figure out what else. You are good at. Everypne has something. Im a stay at home mom but i am also a baker. I went to college for this but had to drop out after a year becuase i was prego with my first born. I am now prego with my second nad wont be back at college until im closer to 30. As for your man he isnt helpless and leave him alone wirh the kids. He needs to know where your feelings are comming from! And the both of you need one night a week to spend time alone together. Even of its only two hours after the kids have gone to sleep is better than norhing. But spend the two hours focusing on each other.

Danielle - posted on 06/23/2012

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Ive been a stay at home mom now for 8 years and it feels like thats all I know how to do anymore. All of my other mom friends live in another town and I just recently moved and know no one here. Sometimes I feel like I am nothing more than a mom because thats really all ive ever done. I know that there is more to me than that but trying to find out excatly what that is i have no clue. I do know that if I dont do something soon, I will probably become a single mom. The hard part of finding what I liked to do before kids is is that I was only 15 when I met my hubby and so Ive only been with him, i spent every spare moment I had with him and his friends and kinda left mine behind. I feel so lost in where my life is heading and I really dont like that because I do know I have a very big problem with controlling things. As I realize how much closer to 30 than 20 I am, I feel like I need to do something with my life instead of being just known as a wife and a mom. But what that is I have no clue!

Amber - posted on 06/23/2012

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What kinds of things did you like to do before your kids came along? Maybe try getting back in to some of those hobbies or interests if it's possible for you. Its possible the things that you loved before made you who you were and you just need to find that in yourself again. I agree with Michelle, a date night for you and your husband sounds like a very good idea. Maybe you make it a rule on the date night that you don't talk about the kids. Just trying to reconnect on that husband and wife level, not mommy and daddy. Also try not to be hard on yourself, it sounds like you are a wonderful wife and mother and your children are well loved. There's NOTHING wrong with that.

Danielle - posted on 06/23/2012

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My only problem is that sometimes he acts like he is helpless. So I guess im fearful that if i leave him alone with the kids he wont be able to handle it.

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