Husband does not get that I need help from him!

Sarah - posted on 02/25/2014 ( 5 moms have responded )

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I am currently 29 weeks along and have had a very abnormally painful pregnancy. It initially started with an unusual ovarian cyst that kept growing much too large, and the pain from it was excruciating and couldn't be controlled even in the hospital (they kept me in for 3 nights) and my doctor is afraid the cyst is still an issue as just a light touch to my right side abdomen can cause crazy pain, but doesn't want to do too much if we can avoid it as operating on it is mostly out of the question. This is all on top of chronic knees problems I've had since I was a young child, back problems, and constant exhaustion (I just cannot sleep enough) among every other pregnancy side-effect that is typical (horrific morning sickness- don't even get me started)...while my husband MIGHT do the dishes IF I ask him, he still complains about doing them (or whatever I may as him to help with) or sighs and is crabby for a while afterwards, but he will NEVER just go out of his way to do ANYTHING on his own, still. And when he does do something, it's as If I only needed help just once and I'm all of a sudden cured from needing help and will no longer require any assistance ever again... Even after many discussions about how he has to step it up and help me (including with a marriage counsellor/psychotherapist) he does the same thing, says sorry, that he is trying but will try harder to help me and do things that I just can't get to or physically can't do the way I could before... And that's about all that ever happens. I hear the same bullshit promise every time, and a few days later if I ask him to do something to help me it's the same thing, he gets pissy and upset. I know and understand my husband works very hard and more than 40 hours a week, but I also work, and happen to have a baby inside me, and happen to be the only one doing anything at all around the house 99% of the time... And have to listen to him complain that things aren't getting done. WHAT on earth can I do to get it through to him? I'm going batshit crazy, and am afraid I'm really going to flip the heck out on him one of these days in a pregnancy-hormonal rage that will probably not help things...

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Michelle - posted on 02/25/2014

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Write up a chore list so he sees what needs to be done.
Did he come straight from home to you or did he live on his own for a bit? If he came straight from home then he probably had Mummy doing everything for him and doesn't know what housework is.

Aleshia - posted on 02/25/2014

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Go on strike, you and your babies health is your#1 priority. My boyfriend was an is like that. I don't work but we have a 6 year old and 3 cats. He has gotten abit better but not much. He has only changed maby 3 dipers for our 4 month old. Don't freak yoursself out if the house work is not a big deal to him you shouldn't stress your self over it, I get you don't want a messy house. He might get the picture if you go on strike.Good luck hope your health gets better.

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Sarah - posted on 02/26/2014

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We have been seeing a marriage counsellor/psychotherapist for many months now. My husband is incredibly stressed as he works 60+ hours a week at his job, and is trying to continue running a business on the side, I get that, and understand how stressful it is right now for him, I just don't see how that should overshadow the family he is soon going to have, and that's something we are working with the therapist on, in addition to other things of course. We can't obviously focus only on what I need help with, so that's why I'm just trying to find better ways to communicate this to him.

Michelle - posted on 02/26/2014

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I don't know what advice we could give. You can't change they way someone is. I guess you have to decide if you want to be "taking care of him" for the rest of your life you you would prefer a partner.
Have you tried marriage counselling? Maybe hearing it when there is a 3rd party around might help it sink in.

Sarah - posted on 02/26/2014

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We got married after many years of him living on his own/with past relationships, he's a bit older than me. He did however come from a family where his Mom literally did every little thing, when we would visit them and stay at their house she would still take his dirty laundry from the guest room, wash and fold it. We have had many conversations about that, and how I'm not his mother and I'm not here to "take care of him" - our relationship is supposed to be a partnership, not me caring for him as if he were a young child as well. I just feel like I go in one giant circle everytime we talk about it.

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