Husband is against me going back to school

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/05/2013 ( 10 moms have responded )

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Hi ladies, I'm 24 years old and I have a 16 month old daughter and am 5 months pregnant with my second, I recently have been having thoughts of applying for college when my second child's turns a year and I'm through breastfeeding. My husband is totally against this and says he makes plenty of money and it's selfish of me to leave my kids and go to school. I told him I would only go part time and his mom offered to watch the kids so it's not like they would have to be in daycare. He keeps telling me that I always wanted to be a SAHM and it's not ok to change my mind. I told him I'd still make sure my family was my first priority but he doesn't want to hear it. I think he should support me and encourage me to better myself as long as I still put my mommy duties first . I think his reaction is due to feeling insecure and jealousy. Am I wrong for wanting to go back to school? He made me think I'm being selfish since we don't need a second income. I just feel like my kids will be proud of me one day if I can balance motherhood and still have a college degree.

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Julie - posted on 06/12/2013

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First, good for you to be setting goal and thinking in advance of your future (personal achievements along with motherhood).
Second, As a wife of 14 years I will tell you, do not let your husband in on your future plans until you are much closer to them. Just like they are at least 9 months to a year behind when you are pregnant? The cycle continues. It's our job to stay ahead of the game while they focus on paying the rent of the present!
Once your husband is less stressed about the baby, sees you manage two children well, and notices your need to become a better you, he will be more open minded to your schooling I can almost guarantee it. The question is will you? Keep your goal in mind, focus on the present and the future will fall into place. Ultimately, you will do what you want to do because its your life...and happy wife equals happy life :)

Carlie - posted on 06/10/2013

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Good for you for wanting to go back to school. I think it is great that you want to invest in yourself. Now to address your husband's concerns. It can be very hard to please our spouses. But somehow we need to strike a balance with them. It would be so much easier if they just realized that we were right all the time. Men are scared of change and I think it is great that you recognize that he may be insecure and jealous. Sometimes starting with baby steps, can help men adjust and accept change. Maybe you can do online classes first, then move to part-time classes at the school. Do you know of a woman/mom that is involved in multiple things that he would say is a good mom? Maybe his mom, aunt, grandmother, etc? If you can get his agreement... it may be the first step to open his mind of you going to school. In the meantime, to satisfy your thirst for knowledge, start reading, and join online groups in the field you are interested in. Good luck!

Evangelyna - posted on 06/09/2013

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There's nothing selfish or wrong about wanting to go back to school. You do have the right to change your mind. Just because you originally said you wanted to be a SAHM doesn't mean you're not going to want something to do when the kids are in school or when they're off to college. This isn't 1950, women can be educated, have careers and be moms. You said it's a flexible program for people with families so the real issue is his own insecurities with you empowering and educating yourself. It's not about money, it's about what your dreams and ambitions are and he should support them as you have supported him. It's terrible of him to try to guilt you into giving up your dreams when you obviously have everything figured out. I think it's a great idea but I also wouldn't ever give up my dreams for anyone, not my husband or my kids.

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/09/2013

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I also think he Is disagreeing for the wrong reasons . He would feel like he was "less of a man" if his wife worked. I think he realizes i can handle both college and family but it's his own insecurities that is making him nervous. I wouldn't even start looking for a job until my kids were older and more independent but I just want the education so having a fullfling job is a possibility in the future

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Sally - posted on 06/12/2013

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Hi,

I think going to school sounds like a great plan and good for you individually as well as for your children.
Check out my website when you have a chance.

www.sallyswealthteam.com

Good luck in making the decisions that will make you the happiest person you can be and in return you will a better Mom because of that:)

Sally

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/09/2013

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Thank you , and I will pray about it. My husband means the world to me and I don't want to upset him. I just hope we can both find a way to compromise!

Marlise - posted on 06/09/2013

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From a mom's point of view (mine , hehe), your plans sounds so reasonable! I didn't know all the details... Having worked in a college, I've seen stressed out student moms, but then that college didn't have flexible options for them. Yours seems to be a dream come true!

An idea (this is from someone who really doesn't know your family, so I'm not saying you did or didn't do some of these things) is that if you give it time and discuss this topic with respect, he might come around. (You still have more than a year, right?) If you believe in God, ask Him to show you how to bring up the topic in a way that will mske him open to dialogue and that won't make you seem pushy. It might be that through your respect, some of his insecurities might disappear. (Again, I'm not implying that you're not being respectful).

The great thing about college is that you can still study when your kids are a bit older, if that's how long it takes for you to agree (although I do understand your wish to do it soon).

All the best Danielle!

Danielle Elizabeth - posted on 06/09/2013

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Marlise, I started thinking " What will I do when my kids don't need me as much?". My husband told me oh you can shop and volunteer, but I wouldn't feel comfortable just sitting on my butt and shopping all day. I did agree to be a SAHM , but I honestly think I could juggle both especially since the college I was looking into has a program that's only 2 days a week specifically designed for people with families. I also told him I would drop out in a second if we both saw that college was interfering with me being able to care for our kids properly. I think he could at least try to be understanding. My husband quite a very high paying job to start his own business. I was terrified that we would regret it but I supported him and told him to follow his dreams. We now have an amazing and profitable business and I stood by his side helping til the wee hours of the morning bc I loved him and wanted his dreams to come true. I'm just asking him for the same leap of faith. I think my kids would be so proud of me if I furthered my education also. I do everything for my family and I think it's ok to take a little time to better myself. I would miss my kids dearly but I feel that I will be so empty inside when they grow up and will need a purpose for my life

Marlise - posted on 06/09/2013

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If you both agreed you'd be a SAHM before you had kids, then it's understandable that he'll be unhappy. Imagine if he told you he didn't want to work to support the family anymore - you'd probably ( and rightfully) feel that wasn't fair. I'm no counsellor but it would probably really help if you discuss your values and vision for your family, and why you feel this urge to go to college. I hope you both reach an agreement :-)

So many women would love to be in your shoes, with a husband who can support the family so that they can devote themselves to their kids. Only you know whether you're ready to give that up to go to college. If you do decide to study, have you considered studying through correspondence? It gives you more flexibility. Or studying part time. Just remember that college is very time-consuming, and it's extremely difficult to balance studies and family. Talk to other moms who do it and you'll see. Are you willing to miss some of your children's milestones for this? Is there any other way you could develop your talents and potential without having to go through four years or more of classroom time?
Just some tough points to consider... All the best in your decision!

Vanessa - posted on 06/06/2013

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Why is this an issue for you? You're a grown woman and he needs to shove it where the son don't shine. What happens if he leaves you and you have no education or career options? You do what you need to do to provide for your children and supplementing your income would help.

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