husbands

Latisha - posted on 03/24/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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My husband doesn't want to be affectionate and I'm feeling all alone. When I ask him why he doesn't do the things for me that I do for him he tells me we're not suppose to be equal because he works and I stay at home. That we're different. He says he's sorry were not cuddeling 24/7 like I would like. He doesn't get near me when he's off. His idea of us spending time together is sitting in the same room watching tv or him playing on his phone. He says he just wants to relax. He wont have a convo with me but he'll chat away on his phone. I tell him I'm not happy and he says you'll never be happy. He says he tries but i haven't seen him try. I don't know what to do. What do you think?

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Becky - posted on 03/24/2010

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I have this problem with my husband sometimes too. I have 2 children, ages 7 and 18 months. My husband tried to pull that same "but you stay home and I work" excuse. I made plans with some friends and left him home all day with our first son. I told him if he thought it was so easy to be the stay at home parent he should try it for the day. I wrote out a list of all the things I would have accomplished had I stayed home and told him to get to it. I'm assuming, like most adults, you've had some previous work experience so you do know what it's like to go to work full-time. You have to think that, although he THINKS he knows what you're going through every day, he doesn't. Give him the opportunity to find out. It's not nearly the walk in the park men think it is! We still struggle with the affection issue sometimes. I'm naturally a more affectionate person and he's not. We do several things to insure we're both making an effort to meet the others needs. Now, by no means does this mean we never feel neglected but it goes a long way, We always kiss hello, goodbye, and goodnight. My husband also loves videogames. I do not. So our compromise is for me to sit next to him on the couch (maybe with my legs over his, for the physical connection?) and read a book. Then we're both doing what we like and spending some time together. I had to learn the hard way not to jump on my husband when he gets home from work. But sometimes it's like giving air to a drowning man, you just can't help it! It's hard to be home with little kids all day with no adult interaction. Try to give your husband at least 30 minutes to wind down before you start asking a bunch of questions or telling him your troubles from the day. If I do all these things for my husband and he's still distant or attitude-y, I get distant right back just like AnneMarie said. Your husband is used to a certain amount of attention/affection from you and when that changes he'll notice. It might not be the first day! Don't give up. You do this to show him what it's like to be you. If he had to exist on the limited affection he gives you, would he be happy? ... I also started spending more time with my girlfriends and made NEW girlfriends. It's important that he's not your only connection to the outside world. That's a lot of pressure for anyone. Let alone a man! LOL Good luck!

Damara - posted on 03/24/2010

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Latisha,

wow thats alot to handle when u want what something and your not getting it. i have a few suggestions have gone through these thing myself almost exactly..... a few book to check out 1. love languages- if you can get him to do the questions and find out his love language and play off that for awhile and see what happens.

2. the excellente wife- it helps you to focus on your roles as a wife and mother and focusing more on you than on his faults and flaws.

3. love dare- its a book of 30 days doing one day at a time. my friend is doing it now and she loves it

other than that the only suggestions i have are i know sometimes we focus so much on ourselves that we forget others.dont depend on him for your happiness. let him do his thing and you do what has to and need sto be done he will notice. other than that i will ask my husband maybe he can give us an idea from a mans point of view....lord knows men are complicated...

[deleted account]

Wow...thats harsh. When my hubby tried the whole "I work, you dont" arguement (despite the fact I was still managing my own business from home) I invoiced him for all the work I do - its amazing how expensive childcare and housecleaning can be especially if you are on call 24/7!
As for the affection thing - you need to enter negotiations with him to come to an arrangement that works for both of you. One suggestion is to have a minimum amount of time where the two of you spend time together with no phones etc - eg he must at least be willing to have a (I used 10 minute) conversation over 40 minutes dinner and TV time. Outside of that 40 minute window he is free to do whatever he likes to relax.
If he isnt happy to discuss your feelings then use other family and friends initially to discuss and cope with this and give him a break from hearing the negative feedback (I know its hard and important to you - but its also very difficult to hear how unhappy your partner is all the time too).
best of luck to you...

Sapphira - posted on 03/24/2010

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I'm going through the same thing with my husband right now. I wish I had the answer too. Hopefully you will have better luck with yours than I have with mine. Try suggesting family counseling. I know my husband refused, but maybe yours will be more open. Try suggesting it in a manner that implies that you're the one that needs it so he doesn't feel like you're attacking him. I wish you the best of luck with things.

Garima - posted on 03/24/2010

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dear latisha , don't get upset u must take a life as it comes, its not necessary that his way of showin love is same as u want,he may be reacted in this manner becoz of ur demands of showin luv or he may be upset 4 sum other reason. try to appreciate him ,if he likes gamin try to involve in tht it gonna be fun 4 sure.if u will show respect 4 his intrests ,it will pay back to u sooner or later.

Anne - posted on 03/24/2010

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Even though you are different you are supposed to be equal. Being a stay at home mom is working too! It's a common scenario though. In my case my husband is naturally more affectionate than I am. When I am being distant he gets concered and bugs me about it. This perceived 'needyness' pushes me further away and I feel like I need space even more. It's my problem I guess but it's difficult to do anything about it. Have you tried being distant back? Do you have other people you can talk to and spend time with. Perhaps if he is left on his own for a while he will change his attitude. Maybe he won't though, men can be very self-absorbed. Good luck :-)

Latisha - posted on 03/24/2010

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thanks Josslyn I tell him how I feel all the time and he just tells me I'll never be happy. He just doesn't seem to care and doesn't try to talk about it he just blows it off like I'll get over it.

Josslyn - posted on 03/24/2010

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Ok well, its the reverse with us, Im the one that wants to relax in silence but I do take three nights a week of so to go out in the garden with hubby and smoke a cig and just talk crap.



I am not an affectionate person and have never been but I do make the effort to take his feelings into account.



You are telling him how you feel which is a good thing: and have noticed that you doing it in such a subtle way as not to be a nagger so maybe you should up the pace a little but not as much as to make him angry.



Keep telling him how you feel, I hope you can get through to him.

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