I am a single mom..and I want another baby with my sons daddy so he will have a sibling w same daddy

Jennifer - posted on 09/25/2012 ( 42 moms have responded )

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I know this sounds weird, and but freakish, but it something that I feel like would be a good thing for my son and I.

I am 28 years old. I have been split up from my sons father since 2006. We don't have any problems as with the timeshare or our relationship, we are just not compatible. I feel as though I am in a good place in my life to have another child, however I am not dating anyone and getting to the end of my prime of having children. I do not want a family of children with different fathers. Ive never liked that idea, and am partial to my sons dad. We make cute babies. ;) Also, I don't want any other children. I would only want another child with the same father. I don't know why that is. Its just Ive been single for so long, and just get a gut wrenching feeling every time I think about having another baby with someone else. I want to have a larger family and for my 7 year old to have a brother or sister but with the same daddy. I have a weird feeling that he might like the idea. This is weird I know. Please dont judge me. I just need to talk about it. Thank you.

Jennifer

MOST HELPFUL POSTS

Ashley - posted on 09/26/2012

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The ideal situation for a child to be born into is a stable 2 parent home. So if a baby is being PLANNED don't you think he/she deserves that? Bringing a child into this world is a big responsibility and we owe them the best we can do right from the start. What you describe does not seem like the best you can do for a new child. Just because the situation you are in is not hostile, that doesn't make it stable.

Jodi - posted on 09/27/2012

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In addition to the various response you have....I am just going to put it out there that (1) 28 is not your biological clock running out. You still have plenty of time to make a decision. (2) Having children from two different fathers is not such a big deal, and they can have a wonderful relationship.

If it were me, I'd leave my options open for a bit longer. What if you DO meet someone, but having a child is a big deal to them?



And just for the record, my son (from previous marriage) and my daughter (current marriage) are 7 1/2 years apart and have different fathers. I never wanted a child with another man after divorcing my ex, but once I was with my husband and falling in love with him, things change. I just think that at 28, you still have many options.

Ashley - posted on 09/28/2012

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Stable to me means consistency and having to live in 2 different homes is not consistent. It doesn't have to do with money and material possessions. It is a state of mind, body and soul. It requires a lot of effort. The part of the equation I am trying to emphasize is the planned part. Planning to bring a child.into an inconsistent environment is not fair. When you say the mother "will most likely become stable" it is a guess. Guessing at stability when a child's whole being is at stake is counterintuitive. This is not coming just from personal opinion, it is from facts and studies. Being an NP, you should know first hand how the environment directly affects both physical and mental health.All I am trying to get at really is the overall well being of the new child for its own sake: not for you, your ex, or your son having a sibling. No person should be born into this world with a role to fill.

[deleted account]

I think it's probably somewhere within the realm of "normal" to feel like you do...but have you thought about the long term?



Does your ex pay child support? If he already pays child support, do you think he really wants to add to his bills and pay support for a 2nd child? What about daycare? Your older child is probably in school, but finding childcare for a baby and a school age child is a bit more difficult than finding just before/after school care for one. Unless you're planning on soaking off the government and having a 2nd child will give you more welfare money...which is just wrong. I don't know your financial situation, but most single moms I've ever known had enough trouble supporting one child. Welfare is designed to help people temporarily, so if you personally can't support one child I don't think you should intentionally have a 2nd one that the tax payers have to support.



Now, if you are totally financially secure ON YOUR OWN and you'll be able to support 2 kids, that is different.



I'm a little confused at how you plan to have a baby with your ex...are you going to ask him to be a sperm donor and do that route? Or are you planning on having sex with him until you actually get pregnant? If you're going with the 2nd route...I think it's a BIG mistake. Being "sex friends" usually doesn't work out to well. What if you don't get pregnant right away? If he has a new gf, obviously this will be a bad option. If he doesn't...what happens when one of you does find a new bf/gf? What if one of you develops stronger feelings for the other? This could ruin the good relationship you have with him now...and then what?



Trying not to judge or be mean, just trying to give you some serious things to think about.

Xjyoyo - posted on 02/04/2013

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I am surprised and glad to find that someone has the same idea as I do! I also thought that my idea might be weird, that's why I started searching relevant information online, and came cross this.

This conversation has been closed to further comments

42 Comments

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Katie - posted on 10/21/2013

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This is the worst idea I have ever heard of and I cannot believe so many women on here are supporting the idea. I sure hope you didn't go thru with it. Why would you bring another out of wedlock child into this world on PURPOSE who will automatically be brought home into a split home with parents that have no intentions on working it out. You want another child for your own selfish reasons. I understand you are nearing your 30's but you are NOT in a good place to have a child. If you were, you would be married or at least in a relationship with a man who wanted to have a child with you and raise a family together. Please do not bring a child into this world for your own selfish reasons. Who cares that you want another one. It's clearly not best for the unborn child.

Pamela - posted on 11/10/2012

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It does sound weird but honestly I don't see anything wrong with it as long as you both agree on it. You're second child is already going to be born into a split family kind of situation whether he or she is the one with split parents or not. Pro's of doing this are that you're children would have both the same parents so there would be no negative comparing when they're older and one gets in trouble with one of his or her parents. and this would definately make the holiday situation alot easier and you would not have one child getting jealous because they only get one christmas and one birthday and the other gets two of every holiday and birthday. and then there is always the situation with parents having different parenting skills and rules, it would also make that situation alot easier. So if he agrees, go for it!

Christine - posted on 10/24/2012

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I dont think it is any weirder than people choosing to use a sperm doner to get pregnant on their own. I think its resonable to want a child with the dame father as ur current child, and as long as u and the guy get along ok and agree on all the terms of this than y not go for it?

Jennifer - posted on 10/20/2012

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When I split from my daughters father, I said I would never have another baby because same reasons as you, I wanted my children to have the same father... I was pretty much closed on the idea of having another baby if not with her father... BUT... you never know girl. you could meet someone who you fall head over heels for and you two could want to have a child together.. This is what happen to me I'm trying for my second baby now, and I couldnt be more sure about... He is amazing with my daughter treats her like his own and I know hes going to be a great dad when the day finally comes for us.



either way, whatever you decide, Best of luck doll.

[deleted account]

My mom had a son with someone else and then met my dad and had me and my sister. i love my brother as he was full blooded. Are you just scared to have another man in your sons life?

Denise - posted on 10/11/2012

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You should be with your baby daddy then. If ya'll make cute babies, love the child that was given to ya'll then why not be a family together. I don't know I am being judgmental sorry. Wish you the best. I believe God has a plan for us and we can't just take it upon ourselves to say how what when or where. Hope you make the right choice.

Tracy - posted on 10/10/2012

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I am glad to see supportive responses. I think if you guys get along well, he is a good dad and is willing to make all the same arrangements you currently have, then go for it. HOWEVER, just be careful to make sure your child now doesn't think it would mean mommy and daddy are getting together again. Explain that it's more of a business decision (or whatever better terminology you can come up with - better than mine, I'm sure!) Just make it as super clear as possible that it's not a matter of reuniting so that your child doesn't get confused or get false expectations. Ya know? Otherwise, sounds like a great plan!

Tonya - posted on 10/08/2012

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I think its a wonderful idea! Me and my husband split up temp and during that time had talked about having our future kids togethor, at that time there was no relationship besides our daughter! There is so much difficulty with mixed families! And so lonf hes a good father I dont think its all that weird. Good luck

Kimberly - posted on 10/03/2012

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Crazy enough and I’m 29! I feel exactly what you’re saying. My son is almost three now and I’ve been thinking the same way. His father and I don’t see eye to eye and I still prefer to have all my children by the same man. We as well make a handsome little man! The father has been taken me through some tough times, but at the end of the day, I want my kids to have the same father as well. Like you, I would like to at least have one more child.

I grew up with both my parents in the same house hold (happily I might add) and my brother and I share the same mom and dad. I enjoyed that bond of fighting, crying, having each other’s back, etc. Nothing became stronger until I had my son. We do have an outside sister and things are very different with her.

I’ve shared this information with my child’s father. At the same time, I told him I think our son will be my only child. Like I mention, I’ve been through a lot (unnecessary) with his father and don’t want the second child to be a repeat. The father will say one thing a do another. It’s all about control with him. He didn’t sound opposed to it though. He just prefers we get back together. That won’t be healthy for our son, myself or a new unborn child coming into the world unless he makes a lot of changes.

To you I say, I think it’s a good thing if you and the father’s structure of bringing up the children is the same and you both have a healthy relationship/friendship with each other for the sake of the children.

Ashley - posted on 10/03/2012

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Ive been reading comments about broken homes and how its not right. But honestly, look at the world today. There are so many broken homes...daddys arent around, mommys arent around, some children are with other family members wothout mommy or daddy, and some are with complete strangers. You know what kind of mom u r and what kind of dad he is and where your relationship stands. Therefore, as long as you are both able to support and love this child, broken home or not, then thete is nothing wrong with it. Your already not together, so at least this baby wont have to be around for arguing, and the breakup or divorce, but ibstead will come into this wotld with 2 great parents who have put thier problems to tbe side for the sake of raising healthy happy kids who know they are loved by both of you. It is no differant than single women who go adopt or get a sperm donor, except this one will have a daddy around. Do what you feel is best for your family. Being single is not a reason to not have a baby if you arw financially stable, loving, and a wonderful mom. Good luck. I wish you the best. Get what you wabt and deserve.

Ashley - posted on 10/03/2012

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If he is a good dad and is single and doesnt have a problem with it then I say go for it.

Tinia - posted on 10/02/2012

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Hey Jennifer I was thinking the same thing. I would really like for my kids to have the same father but the relationship really wouldn't work out between my son's father and me. i don t wanna intentionally bring the kid into a broken home but we split since my son was a year and that's all he knows so he's fine so i guess the other kid would be fine too. Talk to him and see what he says

Jessica - posted on 10/02/2012

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@Dove- she did not mention that the child they are raising together now is in a broken home, plus it was stated they still get along and work well as parents just not compatible in a full on relationship. And if that's all their first child knows, and the parents are getting along, who's to say it couldn't still work? Who's to say ur way of having mom and dad under the same roof isn't a broken home? Just because someone is married doesn't mean they make better parents by staying together. My parents stayed together because of my sister and I, and a divorce after 30 years in a fighting marriage that we both saw.... that was most devastating. Just saying, I think her want for full biological siblings is smart... especially with all the unknown diseases and virus in the world today.

Heather - posted on 10/01/2012

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If you are determined to have a child now, that really is the best option for you. Go for it!

Jodie - posted on 09/30/2012

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I don't think it's weird at all. I wouldn't want a bunch of different fathers for my children either. But it's something you need to discuss with your son's father to see if he's willing to be a sperm donor. Explain to him you don't want the status of your relationship to change but would love a sibling for your son. If single women can get inseminated or adopt then there's nothing unusual about you going to someone with whom you already have a child and asking them to do it again. The method is up to you how you do it though! lol

Bre - posted on 09/29/2012

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It's not weird, i feel the exact same way.

Talk to him about it and see how he feels, then go from there.

Whitney - posted on 09/29/2012

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Well, I don't think the idea is unreasonable, especially if you are comfortable with the idea of being a single parent to 2 children. There are lots of negative opinions on here, but consider your options:



Scenario #1: You use a sperm bank -- the older child leaves at regular intervals to spend time with his father, while the younger one stays home with you b/c he doesn't have a father. That seems like it would be very confusing for them both, and unfair to the younger one.



Scenario #2: You wait until you meet someone you want to have a child with. Assuming you have no difficulty conceiving, the little one will still be staying home with you & dad, while the older one goes to visit his father. The older one may feel a little left out of the family unit at home. OR if your new relationship goes south, you will be sending each kid to a different house for visits. Also, your relationship with 2nd father may not be as amicable as it is with your 1st borns father.



Scenario #3: You have a second child with your ex. Both kids call the same man "Daddy", both kids go to the same home for parental visitation.



I am not saying that this is the greatest idea ever, but if you are determined to bring another child into the family anyway, it is probably your best option. And if you ex is agreeable, then why not? At least you know who he truly is, how he is as a father, and that he will respect you as the mother of his children.

Rachele - posted on 09/29/2012

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Well if the father of your child is in agreement with you, I personally don't see a problem with having another child together, especially since it is not a ploy to get back together, but just to have children with the same bloodline. It's a smart choice as opposed to just finding some joe shmoe to hook up with for the purpose of procreation, or even a sperm donor. Only as long as the father understands the reasoning and agrees though.

Fiona - posted on 09/28/2012

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I don't think that's wierd at all! I have had much the same thought. Do what makes the three of you happy. It's just like those people you see that have been together forever but never get married....it just works for them (just an example of something similar that I've noticed). I say if it ain't broke, don't fix it. I'd he likes the idea and the three of you are happy with this decision....DO IT!

Ashley - posted on 09/28/2012

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Jennifer, reading your most recent post it seems like you are a very put together, very intelligent person. I am very glad to hear that the responses pertaining to half siblings helped you to see its not such a bad thing. My mom and dad were close friends who happened to sleep together one time which resulted in my birth. They remained friends and my mom had two more daughters by another man who I call my step father, my father went on to have two beautiful boys with my step mom. Although I am the oldest of 5 our age differences were 1 yr, 3yrs, 13yrs and 17yrs apart. I love all my siblings and have never considered any of them half. My daughter will be 8 in December, her father and I were together for 10 years before we separated and I felt that same way you did - that I didn't want to have anymore children, but for me it was with him or anyone else. I had decided one was enough although I had wanted her to have the bigger family that I had. I am now remarried 2 years later and we are expecting a son. My husband had no children of his own and always really wanted children. After watching him with babies and knowing how great he is with my (our) daughter, we decided to go for it and have another one. In our family "half" has no meaning but her dad's family has made a big deal about it so she knows her sibling is half but that it doesn't change anything, he will still be her brother. My daughter is thrilled to have a brother on the way. My husband has a 7 year and 13 year difference with his younger brothers and they have all always been really close, although for him he has an older brother that is 1 year older so he wasn't an only child when the younger ones came along. I have done a lot of reading and asking advice of mothers on the subject, if you do decide to have a baby with this big of an age gap, make sure to have your son as involved as possible. Have him help pick out the decorations for the nursery, have him there after the birth for the baby's first bath, have him help get bottles, etc. Also make sure you set aside time for just you and him not only throughout the pregnancy, but once the baby is here too. He will still need to know that he gets dedicated Mommy time for just you and him so he doesn't feel left out or not as important. But from everything you have said it sounds like you would have done all of that anyway.. Good luck with your choices and like it has been said 28 is still young. I have plenty of friends who continued to have children well into their 40s and they are still active and energetic with their children.

Jennifer - posted on 09/28/2012

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Thanks everyone for your input. I'm not offended at all. I very much appreciate all of your advice & opinions. I would not post something weird, if I didn't think I'd get mixed reviews. @Jodi~thank you for helping me realize that Im not too old. I feel it sometimes. Ive been single for a long time & it just feels like I'll be alone for the rest of my life.

I never planned on being "Sex partners". Ya, that would be weird. It would have been a sperm donation. It would generally be like a single woman going to the sperm doner bank & picking up sperm from a man with whom shes never met, but in this case it would be someone I do know.

I didn't realize that their are so many children who have "half-brothers/sisters" that never thought of it being "half".

As for my financial situation & stability~I am not poor, nor do I live off of the government. I have a couple degrees & I am a Nurse Practitioner. I make decent money for how many hours I "don't" work. LOL.

The word ''stability"..hmm..well @Ashley Martin~ I am in fact stable. I most likely will NOT be bringing another child into this world from my sons father, but just to regard your "unstable' comment~First thing-sometimes instability is brought on by life itself. Being unstable isn't necessarily ones own fault. It can be from lack of role models, lack of knowledge, inability to provide for oneself because of a job or being a single parent & many other reasons. One the flip side, it is a choice made in which that person can change if chosen to do so, even if they made some poor decisions, or in my case, was part of the equation to my sons fathers conclusion.

The good thing about life is that we can have MERCY on ourselves & one another. One can truly move on & we can't judge their heart. Becoming stable is found by the seeker who willingly discovers it by genuinely wanting to provide it for themselves or a child in which whom they love & care for. Some don't, either because they don't care, or just don't know how.

That being said, not all people should have kids, but they do. Everybody has their own thoughts on what "stability" means.

We are Americans & have the media & politics to thank for giving us the wrong idea on how we should live our lives & what to do with it. Plenty of people in the world have many children & have no homes or food. I'm not saying that is okay, just giving some spectrum. MANY mothers have been single their whole lives & chose sperm banking..does that make them unstable?

The word unstable is a bit broad termed and used generally in most cases. If you're talking of a 16 year old girl "wanting" to become pregnant, I see your point. But we don't know her, nor her situation. She would most likely become stable.

In another case, if that 16 year old girl was to get pregnant by accident and was faced to make the toughest decision of her life, even if she was "unstable" due to lack of worldly experience, she would most likely become stable because of the circumstance as well.

Everybody is unstable at one point or another. To say that anyone who is unstable should not have children, puts the person listening to your thoughts in jeopardy of their own thoughts. People take other opinions to heart. I realized I asked for everyone's opinion..& its okay that you said that.

There are many different people & circumstances in this world.

Not all accusations have one definitive reason & not all questions have one answer.

In my case, no I do not find my current situation "unstable". If we have 1 child or 2 & we share custody, does not make our lives unstable. In my opinion, stability isn't based off of what kind of car you drive, shoes you wear, the color of your shirt, how much money you make, or how many houses you live. I think its your integrity, honesty with yourself & how far you're willing to go for that 'whatever it is' that is requiring your stability. Everyone strives for something, it's what you're striving for that makes the difference. Your child? Or your "things" that the world will "think" you're stable because of how much stuff you have?

Now the word "selfish"~@Dove No I do not think I am selfish. Maybe I misread what you're trying to put across, but I am not selfish because my son has to go to 2 different houses. However, I do see your point in deliberately having a child "knowing" him/her would be going to 2 different houses.

Thanks everybody. :)

Sarah - posted on 09/28/2012

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You know what is right for u and your son. No one else! If you are ready, daddy is too and you both feel it is what u want, go for it!! :-)

Jennifer - posted on 09/27/2012

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I mean for god's sake we already have so many children out there being shuffled back and forth between their parent's houses. And if the ex doesn't want more - hold out for the right guy. I have friends who's sibling are twenty years apart to a mix of different mothers and fathers and their all okay with it. none of them say 'this is my half brother'



My own daughter is living with her father and she spends weekends with me and 90% of the time with her father. I have secure housing but it's not enough. My partner absolutely adores my little girl - and he was the first of the two of us to suggest samantha come to live with us.



But you have got to be realistic for god's sake

Jennifer - posted on 09/27/2012

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No. Just no. if you're looking for a baby because you're lonely - don't do it. If you're looking for a baby as a way to reconcile with your ex - don't do it. if you're looking for a baby because you know you can provide a well-rounded supportive family - that's fine. But you have to let the ex know what you are thinking BEFORE you start PLANNING for another one. Don't be naive.

Nat - posted on 09/27/2012

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I wouldn't do it, what if he is already seeing someone else, what if he is not interested

, why should one go back to her own vomits, he is your ex for a reason.

Dani - posted on 09/27/2012

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It's different that's for sure but its a normal feeling, my current husband and I split for a while after our son was born and I always felt weird about having a baby with anyone else, just so happened it ended up working out between the two of us. Although my opinion comes from my husbands family, he has siblings from other dads and one from another mom as well. He comes from a large family and even though it is broken the siblings are about as close as any I've ever met. I did grow up with him though and I saw how hurt he always was being so far away from his father and how upset his sister always was having to go from home to home. All situations are different though so even if other people don't see it working out the only way to know if it is right for your family is knowing how your family feels about it. Good luck :)

Miranda - posted on 09/26/2012

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Jennifer I understand where you are coming from. I have 3 children by the same man. Have you talked to your baby's father to get his input?

Crystal - posted on 09/26/2012

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The truth is at seven years old your son wouldn't benefit from you having ababy at this point. My sister and I were six years apart. We were not able to actually enjoy each other until she was around seventeen, and I hit 22. That's a big age gap, to a small child. It would only be frustrating to your son for many many years.

[deleted account]

I have to agree with Dove. I grew up in a broken home of having to spend some weekends with Mom and some with Dad and it was not enjoyable. As I got older it also got more difficult because at the age of 14+ I wasn't worried about who's house I was staying at, I just wanted to stay in one place. I personally have 2 siblings with the same mom and dad and 3 siblings that share the same mother as me but have a different father because my mother remarried. I have NEVER considered them "half siblings". They are my sisters. I don't think having another baby being seperated is a good idea but everyone has different opinions and are free to do what they like. Good luck in what ever conclusion you come to! :)

S. - posted on 09/26/2012

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Honestly my first (small minded) reply was, To be a full brother and sister isn't important and a child should be made out of love. Now i'v wound my neck in and give it some thought I think why not! You both love your child there for this one will be born out of love too, you know he's a good dad, you know he'll stick around so why not, it a bit like going to a getting donated sperm only this way your baby will know it's daddy. Good luck with what ever you do.

Clarice - posted on 09/26/2012

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It is weird but atleast you rare open to your self, first having kids of the same father is not a bad thing at the same its not a must, what i see i is like the two of you still like/ love each other and since the most important part is for him to accept to your idea which seems to be positive i dont see why you shouldn't give your son a brother or sister. have fun and all the best!

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