I do everything....

Heidi - posted on 08/18/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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Ok ladies, I understand that we are the woman and we have the instincts to take care of a baby, but I want and need my husband to help me more, how? I am the one that is up at 4 and 5 am and up til 1230. My husband does work till 1230, I understand that, but he sleeps in until 12 noon. He will offer to get up, after I am already up and frustrated. Once every couple of weeks I get til sleep in until 7. My son barely recognizes his father and his father doesnt understand its because he doesnt do much, I have to pull teeth to get him to change a diaper. He does help with feedings. How do I get my husband to help more with his son and help me?

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Schyla - posted on 08/18/2010

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First off when he offers to help NO MATTER HOW FRUSTRATED YOU ARE. LET HIM! this was a hard lesson for me to learn but this dose a few things 1st he gets a chance to see what your going through 2ed you will have a chance to calm down and 3ed company at 4am other then your fussy baby is very nice. the next thing you need to do is realize that men do not process things the same way that women do. (this is why you get frustrated and THEN he reacts) the baby cries and you think ok get up check his bum give him food make him comfy dad thinks mom's on top of it he's ok. dad in no way has put together yet that perhaps he could be changing the diaper doing the cuddling and feeding because in his head you've already got it covered. So how did I get my husband to help me. well I first moved the bed to the wall and made him sleep on the outside (even though he worked nights) and then when the baby needed me he was in a better position to get baby, I also took a few deep breaths (and about 6 months) and sat him down handed him his child and said YOU ARE NOT GOING TO BREAK HER and you need to step it up. I do NOT need another child so either grow up and man up or find something else to do with your time. Consequently he dose ALL the laundry loads and unloads and runs the dishwasher take every other night for baths makes dinner on the opposite night and although he STILL drives me crazy and sometimes doesn't help the way I need it when I calmly explain to him what it is exactly that I need he's pretty good about stepping up to the plate. Don't be confrontational if you go into a conversations with words like YOU do this or YOU don't do that he'll shut down feeling like he's being attacked but if you calmly say sweetheart I NEED this from you when baby dose this. he'll be more likely to listen

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[deleted account]

lol the dirty nappies gee thats a good one my husband always says he doesn't have a stomache for it but doesn't flinch when he see really gross things but nappies he is gone out the room he will say too me u do nappy i willl fill bath, lol i laugh everytime and he just goes i cnat handle it u can. men

Heidi - posted on 08/19/2010

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I do feel like i am repeating myself, day after day. Always the same thing, can you put the cell phone down, honey pay attention to your son. I actually left the state for a week, a few weeks back this was, just so he could see what it would be like to not have us here. He was great that week that I returned. I am afraid to leave my son with him, not because he would do something bad, but only because 90 percent of the time my son cries until i return home. I went with my mom to get a pedi and mani and have me time, and when i came home he was screaming and his face was red and you could just tell that he had been crying for some time. It broke my heart. My husband does help with feedings, I will admit that, which does help me alot, but i can count on 2 hands how many times he has changed a wet diaper, I can count on 2 fingers how many times he has changed a poop diaper, and he refuses too. Another inconvenience to him, I feel, is holding is son, because heaven forbid he gets puked on, or drolled on. He and I fight alot about this situation, but I have learned, very hard to do, to just keep my mouth shut, do i want to be right or do i want to be happy. And my choice is happy, that is why I just do it all myself. Countless times I try to get him awake to get the baby and he wont wake. Between the hours of 8 am and 12 noon I have tried a dozen times to wake him, and when he wakes he says "oh im sorry" well sorry only cuts it a couple times not everytime. IDK i am just so confused!

[deleted account]

heidi hi, i feel for you as i have the same issue as u do well 60% of the time my son has only just reached 8 months and my husband is now just starting to do a few more things cos our son is actually bit more indapendent, however this doesn't excuse him for not helpping when he wasn't, my husband and i have argumenst about this issue all the time he sees it as i dont work its my job to do the stuff around the house, it was untill a few weekends ago when a friend and i went out to get us lunch and i said i would be gone for 10 or so min but gone nearly an hour that my husband relised how much work i have with our very active son, he relised how hard it was to look after him and to do things at the same time, now he isn't as bad but it did take me this long to get him to help with just little things. i will admit that i do 90 5 of everything still now but now he understands why i dont get things done or when im to tired to bother doing things cos i need a rest, i now get phone calls during the day asking if i have had a sleep when our son goes down specially if we had a rough nite with him the night before. dont give up but i can understand how u feel about feeling like a single mum and its not wrong u have feelings too, just try talking to him sit down and just have a conversation with about how u deel and how as a fatehr he has resposiblities too which is not just bring home the baccon, i know its hard and u constantly feel like u r repeating yourself cos i sure feel that was sometimes. its just a suggestion works for some but not for all. good luck be strong

Schyla - posted on 08/19/2010

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well of course he's gonna make it seem inconvenient cause your doing it for him, you can and should turn off the computer of tv or take the phone away make sure you tell him over and over BABY COMES FIRST and if he said he's gonna get up with the baby kick him out of the bed (littrally if you have to when the baby wakes up) and don't LET him sleep till noon. Men are big children so treat them as such until he acts like a man.

Heidi - posted on 08/19/2010

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Thank you all for your input and advice. When I do ask him for help, he always makes it seem like it is an inconvenience for him. And as he holds his son, he is either glued to his stupid phone or the computer instead of interacting with his son. He will tell me one night that he will get up with our son in the morning and never does, then ends up sleeping until noon, which i personally thinks is a little redic. I dont know ladies, sometimes i feel like a single mom, is that wrong?

Danielle - posted on 08/19/2010

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Men need you to spell it out for them. Most of them are willing to help but you really have to ask for it and be specific about what you ask. Suggest taking turns with baby duties. For instance, one night you give baby a bath and the next night he does. Get him to wash bottles so they're ready for you to sterilize and make formula. When your husband is home you can take turns changing your son's diaper. I wouldn't expect him to get up at night with the baby because he does work, however when he is home, you should be free to go and have a lie down when you need to because you need a decent amount of rest as well! Give him more independent time with his son so that he'll feel more comfortable. Start off small by telling him, "I'm going to get some housework done..you're on baby duty" and eventually you can upgrade to, "I'm going to the grocery store, you're on baby duty until I get back."

Jenifer - posted on 08/18/2010

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If you find out let me know, my son is six and a half and I am still struggling with this and I have a special needs child.

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