i dont know what to do !!!!!!!!!

Vanessa - posted on 04/23/2009 ( 16 moms have responded )

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my little boy is 8 months old , i split from his dad a few days after he was born but he has always seen his dad but for the last 5 months he has come back distressed and sobbing and this continues for hours after and sometimes into the next day, he dont want to be put down and is very upset everytime, i always get told he is fine over his dad yet when i phone i can always hear him crying in the background. it is very distressing to see him like this and i dont know what to do for the best, his dads theory is that he is rebelling against me because he wants to be at his dads??????? and yet he is fine any other time except when he has been over there. any advice would be very welcome thanks

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[deleted account]

Quoting Vanessa:

he apparently dosent get upset when he is there it is when he drops him off as soon as he is back he gets clingy and upset and often comes back crying and last night was absolutely sobbing when he dropped him off but had apparently only just started crying.


Yep, this definitely sounds like separation anxiety. We use a daycare, and when I arrive to pick up my son, most afternoons he starts whimpering as soon as he sees me come through the door (not when /i leave or while I'm at work). He's 7 1/2 months. Its like all of a sudden he realizes that I haven't been there all day and he gets upset. As babies develop object permanence, it causes all kinds of weird anxiety behaviors. As long as you don't think your ex is neglecting him, I wouldn't be concerned.



Here's what works for us w/ separation anxiety: have a routine for saying goodbye and picking him up, and try to do it the same each day. Never try to sneak out - make sure baby sees you leave so he's aware of it. Try using a transitional object that smells like you/home like a blanket or lovey.

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Emma - posted on 04/24/2009

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Hi, i'd personally have supervised visits. That way they still get time together and you can take a back seat but you'll be able to asses the situation. It may just be that your son's need to be with you is huge. My daughter is 16 months old now and she still won't be apart from me even while i have a bath. You have to do what makes you feel comfortable and what you think is right for your son.

Jennifer - posted on 04/23/2009

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With the father saying that your son wants to be with him at the age of 8 months doesn't sound right. A child at that age wouldn't really understand a seperation situation. All he would know is that he is going to see his dad and he doesn't like it there. Try to see how your son reacts to pictures of your ex and maybe some of his family members. If he shy's away from certain pictures but not others, I would consider talking to your ex about who is around your son when he is visiting. Someone may be abusing him verbally or physically. If you find that there are certain people that you don't want him around because of his reactions to pictures I would see about getting supervised visitation for the father for a certain amount of time to see how your son reacts.

Rose - posted on 04/23/2009

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at the age of 8 months a baby does not rebel against a parent they do not yet understand. but that will cry and seek comfort for the parent that they feel most safe with. the baby may feel like his needs are not being meet by dad, ex- not much play-not much food-too much disciplen-more or less sleep is needed. what i would do is cut down to time spent with the dad till baby starts to feel safe again. there are many places who can help in getting baby/kids safe and comfortable in there care by both parents. i had the same prob with my 6yo, when she was younger her birth dad started seeing her when she was in the care of his parents. the visits have stoped now and her behavior is improving. i hope this helps. the other thing you can do is ask him to do a parenting course this can be forced on him in mediation or by a court order

Elayna - posted on 04/23/2009

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Try stopping by without notice (bring a toy or something else that you forgot to send along as a cover story) and see if there is anything going on that shouldn't be.

[deleted account]

If it is just separation anxiety, its usually the worst until 12 months or so, and then gets bad again around age 2/3. But every baby is so different, and it sounds like you're already doing all the right things. I think some babies are just more sensitive than others. Maybe try staying there for visits, like others suggested? But definitely don't let your ex bully you into thinking your son doesn't want to be with you!

Vanessa - posted on 04/23/2009

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he has been doing it for 5 months now so how long does separation anxiety last for he takes his bottle and blanket with him everytime cos his dad has nothing there like that just toys for him. i thought he would be used to it by now as it has been like this since birth pretty much, but i need to get it sorted because it is very distressing for him my older daughter and myself.

Jamie - posted on 04/23/2009

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Honestly, all kids take time to adjust back and forth from homes, especailly at a young age. My daughter would just be rude and mean the first 24 hours she was home from her dads. That could just be it. I think as mothers we tend to think the worst and sometimes need to give credit for those dads that do stand up and try to be a part of thier childs life. I may be wrong in this case, but I think generally we need to be more open to things then so close minded as to what could be going on.

Jennifer - posted on 04/23/2009

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o maybe he missed mommy so much he just gets winey its there way of showing that they love you i think . my 6 month old daughter hates when i leave just for a second when i come home i have to hold her or she gets mad

Vanessa - posted on 04/23/2009

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he isnt like it with other people he is fine he has even stayed away with my friend a few times for a night while i have been out it just appears to be with his dad

Vanessa - posted on 04/23/2009

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he apparently dosent get upset when he is there it is when he drops him off as soon as he is back he gets clingy and upset and often comes back crying and last night was absolutely sobbing when he dropped him off but had apparently only just started crying.

Colleen - posted on 04/23/2009

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Is he like this when left with other people? Friends, family etc? Is he happy to see his Dad when he first sees him, or does he get upset right from the start? It's a horrible thing to suggest, but maybe your little one is being neglected while over there. Perhaps supervised visits are the answer? Hope this is some help and you get lots more advice, a tricky situation.

Patty - posted on 04/23/2009

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does he do that with anyone else??? have you talked to a doctor about this? the doctor might be able to send you to see somone about this mabey its a baby thing and mabey its worse but you should talk to somone.

[deleted account]

I think your son's dad is reading into the situation too much. Sounds like separation anxiety, which usually starts about that age. Your son cries when he's away from you because he's aware that your missing and he's not sure if you'll be back.

Vanessa - posted on 04/23/2009

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This sounds VERY suspicious. The type of situation you are explaining is the type that people always say when they later find out their child was being abused in some way, even if just emotional or verbally. Not to say your babys father would do anything like that, but it's not normal for him to be upset for a long time period after returning home. It would make sense for him to cry when you drop him off and things like that.... but if I were you I would offer up a mutual meeting with all of you... go to the park and sit outside in the grass; watch how they interact. Then if you are still concerned, you might want to consider getting a social worker to look into things. That sounds dramatic but you dont wanna take any chances with your baby's health and happiness.

Jen - posted on 04/23/2009

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start beign there when he goes to see he dad....u have a right to be there when your son is there....better safe then sorry especailly since u say he usually is crying in the background when u call ...... thats just my opinion though

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