I FEEL LIKE A FAILURE!

Klp_crh - posted on 10/26/2012 ( 7 moms have responded )

21

1

3

I am trying so hard to be a good mommy and wife but i just cant seem to get it right. I am juggaling church, housework, laundry, baby, husband. But i cant find a balance. My husband always seems disappointed in me because i cant keep up with the house. but im breastfeeding so i cant just lay my daughter down with a bottle. and this is really cramping our relationship. I hate feeling like I am failing him. In my opinion it should be church, husband, baby and then everything else. but if i dont get "everything else" done i am not fullfilling my wifely duties in his eyes. I need some help. I also feel like i am struggling with depression and its causing me to have a major lack in motivation. I mean my daughter and my husband are my world. and i never have a problem making sure they are taken care of. i know that that isnt an option. but as for everything else i just feel so overwelmed... HELP.

7 Comments

View replies by

Danielle Kimberly - posted on 10/30/2012

50

0

21

I feel you!! Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? Does he say he is disappointed or is it in his actions? I also struggled with keeping a household while caring for baby and husband (fiance). I don't know if this is an option for you, but do you have family or friends that live close by? You are involved in your church and I am sure there must be someone who would watch her for you. Someone you can leave baby with for awhile, maybe once a week or once every 2 weeks? I started doing this and would take the time to clean and prep meals for the week. Since you breastfeed, you can pump enough off for half a day or so.



Play some loud music, sing and dance while you clean...you are getting stuff done but having some fun at the same time. Please don't beat yourself up. You are not failing, you are a mom and we all have a hard time finding a "balance". I think it's important that you stress to your husband that you need some time to yourself too. I struggled a bit too.. Instead of cleaning or doing something productive when my LO went for a nap, I would sit on the couch and just stare and think about everything that needed to be done. You will pull out of it, have some faith. You are doing a great job and stop be so hard on yourself. A big thing that helped me was staying positive.

Rachel - posted on 10/30/2012

64

0

28

To echo the chorus of others: you are NOT a failure. Take a look around and see all those that intentionally harm their children, neglect them, sabotage their marriage, etc. If you are like me, you are striving for the best YOU can be (by comparison only to yourself) so that may be difficult. Some find it encouraging.

I cannot speak on the side of religion from my own life: my husband and I are Buddhist. However, my family is devout in their Christianity. My parents' "priority list," if you will: God (church - these are different things - relationship vs. religion), each other, us (their children), work, home maintenance, and then everything else.

Being a parent (not just a mother), especially a stay-at-home parent, is a full-time job for most (especially in the beginning when you are new at it). Try to have some "you" time. You may be thinking, "How can I squeeze in 'me' time when I'm already overbooked? That seems selfish!" It isn't. Most experts (my husband being a self-proclaimed one agrees lol) recommend you do at least one thing a day (postpartum) entirely for yourself. For many this is just taking a shower! For me it was going for a twenty minute walk with my husband. Sunshine seemed to help with baby blues. On the note of depression - you are not alone. However, don't say, "Oh, I'll get over it." If you need to talk to someone, do it. As irrational as it may seem now, I was terrified someone was going to take my child if I told anyone the "craziness" racing through my mind (low on sleep+husband to deploy two weeks after childbirth=paranoid new mom!). My husband was my biggest support through it all. I cried to him, talked to him, and some days all I wanted was for him to sit quietly with me - he never failed me. I mean NO disrespect to your spouse, but you should consider sitting down with him and talking to him about it. Explain how you feel and that his expectations may be too high (after you outline what he is expecting). Just because someone works outside the home does not mean they have no weight to carry at home - I have been the "bread winner" and the stay-at-home wife. As the bread winner I still came home and helped clean/cook when it was wanted/needed. My husband came home from work every day of my pregnancy and cleaned the house and cooked for me (I was on absolute bedrest the entire pregnancy). I obviously do not know you, your husband, or how your marriage functions. I can see after observing religion my entire life that many quote the "honor/obey your husband" line (Ephesians 5:22-24) as a "husband's word is law and no words will be said about it." They like to skip over the next few verses (Ephesians 5:25-33) that command a husband to love his wife as Christ loved the church. Christianity states He died for the church - so some communication/understanding/slack/help is definitely NOT a large request to your husband.

Tenisha - posted on 10/29/2012

24

0

1

Well no disrespect to your husband but u arent superwoman just because u are a mom. U are human and you deserve some help. In my house I make him pitch in. For the most part i do the work around the house but when im overwhelmed i never feel like a failure for asking for help n neither should u. Im sure u are doin a great job

Selina - posted on 10/27/2012

3

0

1

First off you're not a failure, just a mom who is overwhelmed. It happens to all moms at one point or another. Another thing I wanted to point out is that your opinion about "order" isn't actually your own. In the bible God has commanded that he comes first (not church), husband/wife, then children. I have 3 children and pregnant with my 4th. I am homeschooling my 8 and 2 yr old boys and have my 1 yr old girl to attend to as well. We also have a 1 yr puppy who needs attention. I could VERY easily get overwhelmed if I don't follow God's order. Putting God 1st is a MUST! I have tried things "my way" and it just DOESN'T seem to work. I want to give up and just leave everything. Get up and go because I cant do it all. And you know what? We can't! We as humans CANT do it alone. But in Philippians 4:13 it says "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." God understands us and everything we go through and so should your husband. What does he do or say exactly that makes you feel that he isn't pleased? You need to have a talk with him ASAP. Find out what he wants when he comes home. A hot dinner plate, peace and quiet, clean house etc. For almost a year before my husband came home, the kids and I would run around trying to get the house picked up just so he could be greeted with a "well kept home". Well one day he came home early and ta-da what a disaster! I apologized and he was so thrown back. He said you don't have to apologize, I don't care if the house is a mess. He said all that mattered was coming home to a happy wife and kids. Really? What a relief that was for me. SO you need to find out your husbands needs because it matters. That way you're able to focus on what he REALLY wants. Remember he comes 2nd (after God). I know this is already so long but I have another suggestion about the cleaning. I don't do it all everyday. Laundry is every mon, put clothes on Tue. Dishes are everyday, couple times a day, along with sweeping. Vacuuming is once a week more if needed (dog isn't allowed on carpet or else that would be a big mess). Bathrooms are weekly but wiped down as needed (which is often with boys lol). Soon enough you will find a schedule that works for you. Feel free to message me if you have questions! You will be in my thoughts. :-)

Klp_crh - posted on 10/26/2012

21

1

3

That helps alot... My husband keeps making me feel like "your not the only person to ever have to be a mom and a wife" or "well why can evey one else do it but not me"

MaryBeth - posted on 10/26/2012

7

0

1

*hugs*

I know just how you feel and I honesty don't know what to tell you other then your not alone

Join Circle of Moms

Sign up for Circle of Moms and be a part of this community! Membership is just one click away.

Join Circle of Moms