I feel trapped.

Yahaira - posted on 02/21/2009 ( 31 moms have responded )

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I have been married to my husband for a year, we have been together (in total) for two, and we have a 16 month old. We have been going to marriage counseling for about 3 months. When our daughter was born, he started displaying some qualities that were very disappointing to me, he was being very selfish, very irresponsible, but mostly very immature. Since we've started therapy he has made great advances in modifying his behavior, but in turn this has left me to wonder if I even truly love him anymore. At the beginning of his sudden behavior change I was all about being the bigger person, being calm and collected at all times, and trying to have adult conversations about all of it, yet this didn't seem to work at all. I realize that at this point there are some changes in my own behavior towards him that need to change, but I also realize that the resentment that I had towards him and his behavior, has become indifference towards him all together. I don’t want my daughter to not have her father around, because she loves him very much. I want to work on our relationship, but I don’t really know if I even can given how I feel about him. What should I do?

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Julie - posted on 02/21/2009

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Love is a choice not an emotion! The fact is you married him with all his good qualities and the bad and unpleasant. Prince Charming wakeing up with bad breath in the morning may seem dissapointimg but your prince charming is a completely normal man. I have been married for 9 years and it has been more bumpy than smoothe. I can honestly say that I have made the choice daily to overlook his shortfalls each and every day. If you continue to hold onto your thoughts of dissapointment they will turn bitter and poisen your soul. I am gussing that your "adult conversations" are acticually what any man would consider to be nagging. It has to stop if your relationship is going to heal. Their is a time for serious conversations about finances, work, housekeeping, ect but don't let it become the center of your time together. I suggest you wake up each morning and before your feet hit the floor remiend yourself of the qualities in him that you fell in love with. Tell yourself how luckey you are to have him and although he may be less than you expected he is a good, kind, loving man and he is all yours. I personally like to make love earily in the am before my hubby leaves for work. I am more rested in the morning and have more energy and he is much easier to get along with, it will also help you stay connected and give you something to look forward to. If your sex life is lacking the rest of your relationship will be too. Mostly you need to stop being so self centered. Your attitude toward your man is your attitude not necessairly his. The way you mull over his shortfalls all day is adding to your indifference towards him. It takes a good deal of self decipline to retrain yourself to think positive thoughts about him when your constantly filling your thoughts with bitterness. Your marriage is worth it and so is your precious life with your family. So stop spoiling it and love every minute of it!

Kate - posted on 06/13/2009

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Marriage is FOREVER. You made a commitment to stay with the man, the father of your daughter, for BETTER or for WORSE. I am Catholic, so maybe this particular promise has more weight to me and I know that some people may think I'm crazy for not believing in divorce if you don't "love" the person anymore, but you made a promise, not only to you, but to your husband, to your daughter and to God.

The thing is, there isn't just one person for everyone. There are many people you could make it work with. But you chose one. Bravely, you went into that commitment with a 4 month old daughter. People change. When people get married, they aren't just marrying just who that person is at the moment, they are promising that person companionship through the rest of that person's life, whoever they become. Julie K. is exactly right, love is a choice. Obviously if your husband were abusive, I'd suggest you leave, but you'd still be married, it's called "separation" and is practiced in the most extreme cases. He's not abusing you or your daughter (as far as I know). In fact, he's going to therapy! He's trying to make it work! He's actually fixing himself! My husband and I have a fabulous relationship but even though he will listen to whatever I have to say, he had told me that he's NEVER going to counseling. He doesn't do well with criticism. And I have to deal with that but because I choose to love him, which means giving him and our life together everything I've got, I'm willing to overlook his flaws.
That doesn't mean you don't talk about them. He needs to hear how he makes you feel. It is absolutely imperative that you share with him that information. It means that you don't let it drive you away. You stay confident in the fact that PEOPLE CAN CHANGE. I can't tell you how impressive it is that you're married to a man who is willing to sit in a room and listen to people nitpick at his behavior.

Also, it seems like you're a young mom. I am, too. My husband and I are both 20. We were highschool sweethearts. Then I got pregnant in my first year of college. Luckily, I knew he was the man I wanted to marry. But I had big plans for my life. I'm an artist and I had gotten excepted to a top art institute and even offered a scholarship. I turned it down so that I could stay near him. I got excepted to my first choice of liberal arts colleges. Turned it down. I've taken a year off from school to devote myself to our daughter and let me tell you, it has been extremely difficult. I see some of the issues you spoke about in my own marriage. Like your husband, mine can be selfish. He is an actor and we are planning to uproot our family and move to Hollywood after we finish college so that he can try for a career. We make those sacrifices because that's what we promised to do-- devote ourselves to our spouses through everything. I like to think of it in terms of the children's book, The Giving Tree. We are called by God to give of ourselves, even until there is nothing left. We hope that our spouses will sacrifice for us as well, and in many cases they do-- my husband is the breadwinner for my family and he helps me out with our daughter whenever I ask as he works from home (during the day, my job is to be mommy, but he will step in when I need to shower or use the bathroom, whatever); your husband is putting aside his pride to be the best man he can be for you and your child. Of course he's going to slip up. Change is hard. Very hard. And it looks like he became a daddy early in life. A huge problem for my husband was the fact that he needed to mature very quickly. He missed out on college life and being irresponsible, making mistakes for himself, partying, "testing the waters" and so on. I did too but I really think girls are just naturally more responsible and capable of selflessness.

Please message me anytime you need to talk to a young mom who may have gone through something similar to you.

Julie - posted on 02/21/2009

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Oh, one more thing. Stop trying to change him and love him for who he is. You can only bend a branch so far before it breaks.

31 Comments

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Amanda - posted on 06/16/2009

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WOW! I have been in your shoes. Very confussing time of your life. Try to keep things as simple as you possibly can. Yes all the things about your husband are exactly the same as my ex. Very immature etc etc. Well Yahaira i can only give you a run down on how i dealt with the exact situation. I had a 7year old, 4 year old and 1 year old TRIPLETS. My ex has many wonderful qualitites, this is why i fell in love in the first place. BUT there are the silly immature things that drove me absolutely nuts after 11years of trying to let him be him, I couldnt do it! I had 1 year old triplet girls, was working from home and had 2 gorgeous little boys that were absolutely wonderful. When my ex walked in the door every afternoon after work my house would be crazy, he was like another child and when you already have 5 and the father is actually harder then the triplets well that was it for me. I left him and our beautiful brand new home and went in a completely different direction in my life. I was now a single mum of 5 children renting with a single income. I was totally lost and was getting more and more depressed and angry as to why me! A year passed and i was finding my feet again, i found myself back to that strong woman i was. Then one day i came across some pictures of our old life, kids in the beautiful brand new home happy as can be, i appeared to be happy and my ex appeared to be happy. So i went into melt down. Thinking WHAT HAVE I DONE! I completely screwed up everyones lives. I begged my ex to take me back, and find the love that we used to have. I was regretting leaving my ex and taking my kids away from there father and destroying our lives. But my ex wouldnt take me back, i took a while to get through the seriously huge regret, than life started to fall into place for me. I fell in love with a friend i had had for years, and now we are living together with my 5 children blissfully happy, he is mature but extremely fun and he doesnt have any little things that get under my skin. I also found out i had never truly experienced real love until falling in love with my beautiful lovely man. I love everything about him and i dont want to change him. I am so happy being myself and allowing him to be himself. This is something i could never actually do no matter how hard i tried with my ex. Life is so free and happy now, with my children now 9, 6, and triplets nearly 4. We are all so happy, and the children get to see there father whenever he wants to see them but it actually isnt very often that he wants to see them and we occasionally get maintenance money from him. This is your life Yahaira! So long as you follow your heart and do what is right for you, you will not falter. Take care and remember to keep things simple for yourself :)

Yahaira - posted on 06/14/2009

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Thanx all of you for your advice, I will be taking all of it into consideration. I have learned that I have to remind myself to be more patient, I have more faith on him, he really does want to better himself and he really is trying. But letting out my frustrations has certainly helped. Thank you all for caring so much!

Julie - posted on 06/14/2009

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When he is getting to the boiling over point but not reached it yet, call a time out. After you both have cooled off resume the conversation but don't be pushy. If he's made up his mind reguardless of weather or not you think he is right or wrong DROP IT. He is a big boy and will learn to be a better leader in your home by making mistakes. When he admits to a mistake NEVER say I told you so. Give him grace and forgive him. Move on as a family and leave the past behiend.

Kate CP - posted on 06/14/2009

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Quoting christie :

I can identify with your situation now 2 kids and now pregnant with my third later. Some people make excuses like thats how all men are...NOT! It's like they become a child themselves running from the harshness of maturity afraid of losing their own youth. Although, I am a fighter i do protest and try to mold my man or clay..(lol) to become this dream father of my children because i do love him and want him to be around for me and my children. He seems to end up hurting me more each time to rebel like a out of control teenager or something it has gotten worse over the years....it wasn't so bad at first it seems like the longer they know you the more they start to show their ass! I am after a while becoming knumb to his lazyness of participation in an effort to rekindle our love for our relationship's sake...and just accepting this may be my destiny...i need to do me. My man would never attempt counseling though hes always right and never wrong. But, keep in mind men hide things from their wives!!! Whether it be drugs, sex , nasty bitches with no respect for a family?! Become your own private investigator and you determine whether he passes or fails, if he is honest or a liar.....if he loves you he will change, if not accept that you are still young their are plenty of men out there and don't settle for less....if u do it for your daughter and it ain't real you'll wake up when it's too late when your 40 and your daughter is a adult !!!!!


Are you actually suggesting she spy on her husband and go through his things? If so, that's a sure-fire way to destroy a relationship.

Christie - posted on 06/13/2009

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I can identify with your situation now 2 kids and now pregnant with my third later. Some people make excuses like thats how all men are...NOT! It's like they become a child themselves running from the harshness of maturity afraid of losing their own youth. Although, I am a fighter i do protest and try to mold my man or clay..(lol) to become this dream father of my children because i do love him and want him to be around for me and my children. He seems to end up hurting me more each time to rebel like a out of control teenager or something it has gotten worse over the years....it wasn't so bad at first it seems like the longer they know you the more they start to show their ass! I am after a while becoming knumb to his lazyness of participation in an effort to rekindle our love for our relationship's sake...and just accepting this may be my destiny...i need to do me. My man would never attempt counseling though hes always right and never wrong. But, keep in mind men hide things from their wives!!! Whether it be drugs, sex , nasty bitches with no respect for a family?! Become your own private investigator and you determine whether he passes or fails, if he is honest or a liar.....if he loves you he will change, if not accept that you are still young their are plenty of men out there and don't settle for less....if u do it for your daughter and it ain't real you'll wake up when it's too late when your 40 and your daughter is a adult !!!!!

Iris - posted on 06/13/2009

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You need to pray about your feelings. In marriages there will be problems. This year will be 10 yrs for my husband & I. There was a time when I wished he would leave and never come back. There was also a time when I had decided to save up my money take my 1 baby and go. Now we have three babies and we are happier than ever before. Love will come back around just when you thouht it was gone. It's lurking in the shadows hidden behind hurt and pain, resentment and revenge. Hang in there meet him halfway. When you overcome together the victory is that much sweeter. I am more in love with my husband now than I have ever been before. It takes men a little more time than it takes women sometimes to grow up. I'll be praying for you and your family.

God Bless

Rachelle - posted on 06/13/2009

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My husband and I have been together or 12 years married for almost 6. Our relationship has had its up and downs as every marriage does. It is one of the most complex and hardest relationships you will every have. I commend you both for going to counseling. That is never easy to let a stranger into your most private thoughts and personal life. Honestly speaking you have to take the good with the bad as long as the good outweighs the bad. You have had alot happen in short period of time marriage is an adjustment and having children added to that makes it even harder. We waited 3 years into our marriage before having a child and still as long as we have known each other didnt make it any easier. Sometimes men can be babies themselves not that its an excuse. Sometimes they need to be reminded that you arent the only one that had this baby. My best advice is communication - the good and bad. Sometimes we dont like to hear the truth but when its said with tact and without being accusatory usually works best. My husband has his faults but so do I like we all do. Ask yourself this question am I really in love with him and if the answer is yes then work on your resentment towards him. When i really have something to tell my husband and I know I am too hurt or angry to say it I write him a letter and leave it for him to read when I know I wont be home and then later when ive had time to cool he will usually bring it up later and we calmly talk. Sometimes in black and white it penetrates. Good luck to you and your family.

Amber - posted on 06/13/2009

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Do you ever feel, like maybe, you don't want it to work? Im in a similar position right now with a 8mth old, been married almost 4 years.dated only a few months..its rough..but i feel like neither one of us wants to work on it. Counsling has never come up..we barely even talk about our problems, it's like we ignore them. Today i came to a point where i needed to say something..so i did.. and all he responded with was...im listening, i hear you..and you need to respect me...



im not saying we dont care for each other, or you and your husband dont care for each other..but maybe, deep down you aren't really trying? i could be wrong..but that's just how im feelign about my relationship and my situation.

Kate - posted on 06/13/2009

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You're right, your daughter doesn't need that and you should make it abundantly clear that his yelling and swearing is borderline abusive and that that behavior is not ok. Just put your foot down.

So he's not physically young, but it sounds like he never grew up. This sounds much more like my sister-in-law now than myself. She is now 27, married to a 35 year old and they have a 22 month old little girl. My brother-in-law (the husband) was the one who worked until recently when my sister-in-law got 2 jobs to help pay bills. Her husband always treated the situation as though his job was making money and hers was raising the family, cleaning the house, caring for the dog, basically everything else. This guy is a loving father but he comes home, watches TV, plays World of Warcraft on the computer (which apparently has a monthly charge, which is more money out the door while they're barely making due, hence my sister's 2 new jobs) and wouldn't help with anything but maybe walking the dog. He has a crazy temper, blows up and curses, resents her for not wanting to have more children (he doesn't want to be an old dad so he wants all the kids he's going to have, right now) and he spends all their money on imprudent things. He doesn't always apologizes for treating her badly, but always makes up for it somehow. Why does she deal with this behavior? Because he is the father of her daughter, he is the man she devoted her life to, he is the only person she ever wanted to marry and because she knows that he is becoming more and more aware of himself and that means that he will only be able to stand himself for so long.

You said your husband made stride is improving himself. Hang in there, the fact that he is making strides is a stride in itself. Many people are made aware of their faults and make promise after promise but never change. This is because they really don't want to. Something is more important to them than letting down the people who love them, be it drugs, having sex with other women, lying, stealing, abusing to make themselves feel powerful, anger, whatever. You and your family mean enough to him that he is trying to be a better person, which is what God calls us to do for eachother in marriage-- make eachother better people.

Yahaira - posted on 06/13/2009

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I need to comment on some of these comments. I am young, I'm 25. My husband however is 34. He is not a young dad, or even a first time dad. He has 3 children from his previous marriage. I was talking about this with my best friend this morning: he (my husband) spends 2 and a half hours a day (which we agreed on) watching my daughter in the afternoons, except he doesn't watch her all the time. He'll start to make phone calls, play with his phone, watch TV or just sit there and space out. Our daughter goes to bed early (usually @ 8) and he goes to bed around midnight, sometimes later, watching TV, making phone calls, etc. I was asking my friend, where am I supposed to draw the line. Is the line cheating and hitting? Am I supposed to put up with anything as long as it's not one of those two? He becomes completely irrational almost everytime that we have a disagreement, if it escalates, he will call me names, swear and raise his voice (which he will apologize for later, but what's the point of apologizing if you're just going to do it again later?). He can be a good dad, when he feels like it. Is that something that my daughter REALLY needs??

Kate - posted on 06/13/2009

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P.S. I can't agree with Kate C. more. Laughter is key. I may not like my husband sometimes and honestly, since my daughter was born, the sex is not as spontaneous or frequent, but he is my best friend. He knows me in and out. And he is one of the funniest people I know.

Try doing something fun together. Not a movie or dinner but going to a baseball game or hiking. If you live near a lake or river, wait till sunset and go skinny dipping. Seriously fun! This is of course if you can get a sitter. If not, try going for walks together at sunset with the baby in the stroller (not too too close to bedtime but after dinner so baby isn't fussy).

Kate CP - posted on 06/13/2009

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Marriage is...hard. I've been with my husband for 11 years, married for 6. You have to at least like the person you're married to because you WILL fall out of love. But if you guys are friends and can laugh and be supportive even when you aren't "head over heals" then you'll make it. My husband is my best friend. He's the only one that I trust completely and I can really talk to.

Marriage is not a fairy tale. You don't constantly look into each other's eyes and see the stars. Sometimes you're too covered in baby poop to see the stars. Love has many forms and infatuation is only a phase. It will come and go but a good friend will last forever.

My personal favorite movie about struggling relationships is "The Story Of Us". It's about finally seeing yourself through your spouse's eyes: all your qualities, faults, personal issues. It's about being able to swallow your pride and say "I'm sorry".

I wish you the best of luck with this. You'll find the love you're looking for.

User - posted on 06/13/2009

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I understand how you feel. But if you fell in love once it can happen again. I have been with my husband for almost 9 years. We have only been married for just under 1 year. I have left him for some of the same reasons that you are in therapy. However, if you truly love him you will be back together. Sometimes I feel that I am the only one that acts like an adult in the relationship, taking care of the errands, child, housework, cooking, ect. and he is not grateful for any of it. But just when I start to feel that way, he will show me that he cares and that if we were not together he would not be able to stand it.
You have to understand that guys don't usually grow up till they are 30 or older and even then some men still don't grow up. But you can do only a few things. One is see that he is trying to do something about the way he has been acting and move on. Keeping you eyes open to see the little things that he does. Tell him thank you and you will stare to see the change more. You will slowly start to forgive him for the way he has been acting and you will feel the love that you think you have lost. Or you can let him go. If you two are truly meant to be together then you will be. However, if he is good to your child then don't take that away from her. She has a right to know who her father is and as long as she is not unsafe he should have the right to be able to see her and spend time with her.
Think about it before you do something that you might regret.

Yahaira - posted on 06/13/2009

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Update: Therapy helped him see the things about himself that he should work on (and it also helped me do the same). We both have been trying; it's not easy. But everyonce in a while he goes right back to the same behavior. I don't know how long I'm suppossed to wait for him to get better. He can say mean things when he's upset, he will break little everyday agrements that we make together, and other things. I'm working on not being a perfectionist and always wanting things to be done my way, but I don't think that I exhibit scary behavior, AND HE DOES! I'm now confused again. I still don't know what I'm going to do.

[deleted account]

So, how is your relationship now? Let us know. I have kept you in my prayers, and will continue to do so.

Michelle

Jennifer - posted on 03/03/2009

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My husband and I have had many problems our first couple years of marriage.  We've been married for 7 after 1 year of dating.  We have "broken up" several times and at one point I was also indifferent to him. Marriage counseling didn't help us but we figured things out. The thing that keeps us going is not only our love for eachother but also remembering what it was that got us together in the first place. Remembering the good times and falling inlove all over again.  That being said I disagree with the post Julie made " love is a choice not an emotion"  Love is an emotion.  You can choose to love someone but if you don't feel anything it just won't work.  And love is something that requires alot of hard work and patience.  I woudn't rush into a decision until you are sure that it's the right one for you.  Maybe go on a romantic dinner and try to rekindle what was once there.  I hope this help and that everything works out for you.

Kelli - posted on 02/22/2009

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You were probably exhausted and stressed out of your mind being a new mom and having no help from your husband. Now that things are better, you should probably try to relax. Trust your husband with the baby and take some time for yourself. You don't have to be the one that does everything. Men are a little dense when it comes to identifying what needs to be done. Sometimes I make a list of things I need to do, show him, and ask if there is anything he is willing to do, My husband likes to help but he doesn't like to be the only one working on a project. See what works and what doesn't with yours.

Yahaira - posted on 02/22/2009

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Wow, thank you all very much! When I wrote this I wasn't sure it would help at all, but actually I got some really good advice. I mostly identify with Julie's advice; "Prince Charming wakeing up with bad breath in the morning may seem dissapointing", it's funny but so true, I have definitely felt that way many times. I also liked what Timmi had to say. I will take all your advice into consideration, Thank you all so much!

Amy - posted on 02/22/2009

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Hi there! I agree with Kendra and Michelle! If youre not truly in love with him its not going to work and its better to leave sooner rather then later, it will be much easier on the little one! I have just been through a similar thing. My ex and i bought a house and got engaged. From that point he started to change. I then fell pregnant and we were happy about it. He is very selfish....so are his parents. It was almost like after we got engaged he let his true self show. Every says that guys get weird after a baby and dont like being put second!!! WELL i cant tell you one thing, nothing changed for him at allHe would make me wait to feed my soon (even if he was screaming his little lungs out) so i could get his dinner or go get a beer for him. His life didnt change at all. We started fighting a lot and i fell out of love with him! I tried to get on with him and make his life easier but he was never happy. In the end i left. We have recently seen a counseelor but that made me realise that i made the right decision when i left!! Anyway i wish you all the best! I truely hope it all works out for you!! If you ever wanna chat...feel free!!! Take care!!

[deleted account]

Hi! I have read all the blogs. I need to say, that I am from a marriage of almost 7 years, with three kids. I knew when we were 6 mos. into our marriage, that it just wasn't going to work. I was commited though and tried many different counselors, and other things to try to save the marriage. He was irresponsible and even cheating. I tried, and tried. But in the end, it didn't matter. You reach a stopping point.After some time, you realize that you can't make him be the husband or father you think he should, and that he will be as he is. Can you accept that forever? I realized, that I could not. I am a christian and firmly believe marriage is FOREVER. BUT God did not want me to raise my children in that enviroment and He didn't want me to live with all the grief and sorrow.
I am now married to a man who loves my three girls as his own, and all of us UNCONDITIONALLY. While it is not always "perfect" I know that no matter what the conflict is, he loves me and is here. That is all I need. We can work everything else out.
My biggest regret is that I didn't leave Shawn sooner. My girls have painful memories of our marriage. Divorce is REALLY hard on kids. I kept telling myself that I was fighting for them, but now I see that it would have been better for them if I have left sooner.
Follow your instincts. If enough is enough, then go. Because one day your daughter will be asking the hard questions, and you should be fully prepared to answer them.....May God be with you both. LOVE
Michelle

Kendra - posted on 02/22/2009

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All I can say is that i have been in your position before, and what i know is that if you are not in love with him, truly not in love with him, your relationship is not going to last, and it is best to leave when your daughter is younger. It gives her a chance to grow up with one parent, and learn to grow with one parent. If you disrupt her life later it becomes alot harder for her to adapt to only one full-time person to care for her needs as she is used to having two. If you are still in love with him and you want to work on your marriage, you need to know if he's willing to work for it as well. you need to ask him what he wants from you, what expects from you as a mom and a partner. If you really think about it, it's not all him, it's you too. being a mom is hard, and you take it out on him or the dishes or the furniture, whatever it is you take it out on. But whether it's your man or you causing the most stress, the most important thing you both need to figure out is whether or not you want to keep working on your relationship or not. It takes hard work, and that means giving your spouse shit when they're not being supportive, but it also means allowing your spouse to go out and went when they need to. It goes both ways. you need your time out too. If he continues to act childish ( becaue i know they do) Stop talking. let him annoy you. go to bed. And then the next day, continue to be mad about it. don't hide your hurt because you don't want to be mad, or you don't want him to be mad at you. he'll come around. And if he doesn't, you truly deserve better, Trust me, i know, been there. Sorry for the novel. I hope my advice has helped.

Alicia - posted on 02/21/2009

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I understand exactly what you are going through. I am not married but I just had my baby almost two months ago and my bf and I just broke up 3 weeks ago. When I first became pregnant he was so happy and we were even engaged to be married. As time went on he started becoming selfish and his attitude was horrible. Not the same guy when we started dating. I stuck it out through my whole pregnancy but there is only so much I can take. I love him but sometimes you have to love a person enough to let them go. You have to be strong and do what is best for you. If you feel that you can work through it then by all means do it. I tried and it didnt work for me. I thought about how life would be with him and it wasnt a pretty picture. At the end of the day its about your child. And I feel that if a man is selfish with you eventually sooner or later he will be selfish toward the child. Thats how my bf was. He was selfish as well and thats not good when you have a baby. Good luck on whatever decision you make.

Timmi - posted on 02/21/2009

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Marriage isn't about falling in love once, it's falling in love with the same person over and over...

Julie - posted on 02/21/2009

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My husband and I had trouble when I was pregnant. Guys get weird during and after pregnancy. Because they want to be number one. When we find out we are going to be moms they take the back seat. We don't mean to do this to them but our children are our life. My husband wanted a divorce and wanted to leave us but i learned a lot of it had nothing to do with us but how he was raised in a broken home and he freaked out big time thinking he would make history repeat itself. I resented him big time and he went to counseling and even took anti depressants. He got much better and is a model dad. I had to rediscover why and what I loved about him and that I made a commitment until death do us part. But he is my best friend and confidant and he makes me laugh and I realized I had a problem with not letting go of things he did in the past to make us move on with our future. he still appologizes for his actions while i was pregnant. But if you really don't love him don't stay for your child. Its not fair to her or your husband. He deserves to be with someone who loves him and to go to counseling to save a marraige you both want to be in. Divorces can be hard but you can both still parent. Getting a divorce doesnt' mean she is losing her Daddy!! You will both be her parents forever and can be involved. Hope your marraige gets stronger and works out!!! GOOD LUCK!

Crystal - posted on 02/21/2009

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Have you thought about trying "The Love Dare"? I read the book FireProof, it's also a movie. I bought the book Love Dare. When my husband gets back in March, we're going to sart it. It's not something you have to do together. You can just do it and see if it makes a difference. Watch the movie or read the book first though. I have felt this same way and still do sometimes now. Because my husband is gone for Army reasons alot, it actually helps that we have a few months apart each year!

Crystal - posted on 02/21/2009

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Have you thought about trying "The Love Dare"? I read the book FireProof, it's also a movie. I bought the book Love Dare. When my husband gets back in March, we're going to sart it. It's not something you have to do together. You can just do it and see if it makes a difference. Watch the movie or read the book first though. I have felt this same way and still do sometimes now. Because my husband is gone for Army reasons alot, it actually helps that we have a few months apart each year!

Crystal - posted on 02/21/2009

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That is a tough position to be in. And I honestly don't fully understand where you are as I have never been there myself. I do know, however, that lots of men act "weird" after a baby comes, largely because they used to have your full attention, all the time, and now there is this beautiful tiny person there that he loves very much but is suddenly demanding much of your time. Try to make sure you have some regular uninturrupted time together, whether at home or out (a mix of both is good). As for not being sure if you love him? Not sure what to tell you there. Love always ebbs and flows, so sometimes you will feel closer than others. Largely, love is a decision more than just a feeling. If you decide you want to make this marriage work as a loving, happy marriage, try to remember all the reasons you fell in love with him in the first. Was it his goofy grin, the way he made you laugh, whatever it was. Try journaling it. Also, try making a list everyday of how you know he loves you. Some days, this is really hard. I know that for a fact. It might be some silly little thing, like he put his dirty socks in the laundry instead of leaving them for you to pick up. But as time goes on, it gets easier. If you look for why TO love him, you will find it. It is there, somewhere. As long as your relationship is not abusive and you both want to work it out, you can. A fantastic book that I have read and it has helped me (and a lot of other couples I know) is Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs. Try it, you will see things in a whole new perspective. Good luck. I hope this helps.

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