i'm at my wits ends...my fiancé's ex partner is nasty and threaten us with the kids......

Ells - posted on 10/25/2013 ( 11 moms have responded )

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My fiancé and I have been together for 18 months and he is a great father to his 2 children (7 and 8).

My partner works shifts in a factory and they never land on the same day, so (after many arguments with his ex) they reached an agreement that he has the kids his first 2 days that he's off. If he is not too shattered (from working 48h in 4 days, including 2 nights) we will have them longer. When we hve the kids we take them to many interesting places (zoo, aquariums, museum) and do things their mom never bothers to do with them (go to park, pick nits out their hair, feed them decent meals rather than just snacks, read together etc).
The children absolutely love being here and often ask to stay longer. Sometimes my partner is at work so I take them to school, and their mom moans about it saying I am not allowed to (for no reason, just to be difficult), calls me nasty names and is always extremely unpleasant.

If we ask for extra day with the kids shes very akward and often says no, if we have exceptional circumstances (such as doctors appointments/work needing to be done at the house etc) and need to swap days she'll be extremely akward and come out out with evil comments like you are not a fit dad etc.

If something doesn't go her way she also threatens saying she will never let him see the kids again if he doesn't do what she says.

We asked to share the picking up/dropping off journeys (she lives in the opposite side of town) and she said no effin way.
She complains about maintainance being paid on the 1st of the month rather than on the 30th and she is always causing arguments and sending vicious texts.
Everything we do never seems good enough to her, she won't let the dad ring the kids after work saying they are busy and if he wants more contact he should have them more (he would if he could but he has to work!) and always forgets to pack something in their bag so my partner has to go back and collect it.
She simply is very nasty, aggressive and horrible....a real pain to deal with...
I am not sure how to approach the situation anymore as her being so extremely difficult is seriously affecting my and my partner's relationship.
Any tips/advice?
Thanks xx

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Jodi - posted on 10/28/2013

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No-one is suggesting court is a magic fix. However, if there IS a court order, you have the ability to apply for contempt any single time she refuses. Yes, court does control the days and times of contact. Isn't that your problem? She is trying to dictate when you can access the children? Oh, that's right, YOU are the ones trying to dictate ti all and are upset because she says no. So I can see why court won't work for you.

Money to be paid? yes, they rule that too. is that also of concern? Do you feel that maybe you might be ordered to pay more? less?

You're right, a judge and court won't make a bitter person become easier to get along with. But it will sure as shit set the guidelines and the rules. At the moment, it sounds like a bit of a "free-for-all". At least court would spell it out for both parties and ensure the details are in place and spelled out. But hey, that's your choice. I'm not quite sure what other solution you are after.

Jodi - posted on 10/27/2013

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Well, if you aren't prepared to go to court over it, you pretty much just have to suck it up. She can dictate whatever she chooses.

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Julie A - posted on 10/29/2013

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Kill her with kindness ;) maybe she's jealous of you and just wants to get a rise out of you. People who act like that have problems. I would suggest be the bigger person and be kind. Who knows, she may surprise you. Just try to make the best out of the situation . Good luck.

Jodi - posted on 10/28/2013

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Oh, I am sure they are more complicated, and I do wish you the best. But I am just warning that without court, she can control you whatever way she wishes. And you can refuse court because of the cost, but she can choose to take you to court any time she chooses.

Ells - posted on 10/28/2013

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Thank you for ideas Jodi, I still believe things are a bit more complicated and probably impossible to put it all clearly in a forum.
Thanks for your views, bye.

Ells - posted on 10/28/2013

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why should we go to court over this? a judge will say you will see ur kids this day and this day (which he already does, and more) but will not and can not change the fact that she will always give us grief no matter what.
why do people think court is a magic fix to family problems?
court will rule things such as money to be paid, days and times of contact etc and in most cases will allow some sort of flexibility (like they did in my case) about umprocrastinable events beyond our control. a judge and a court order will not make a bitter person become easy to get along with.

Ells - posted on 10/27/2013

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we only asked a couple of time and only when it was impossible to avoid that certain thing on that day. my partner works and only has one day off a week when he has his kids and its not always possible to change certain appointments if they are beyond our power.
we have always given plenty of notice and she says no just for spiting us as she has also asked for many favours before and we always said yes if she needed us to help her out somehow.
the money is not due to go in until the 1st of every month, yet she complains about waiting one extra day.
i have been through court myself and it will not change anything: if she's difficult it wont be a court order that will stop her being so. I have been through it with my ex and he actually got worse, breeching the order so many time it was unreal and the courts/police didnt do anything about it either so we cant really rely on that either.
thanks for ur views.

Jodi - posted on 10/25/2013

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OK, if there are no court orders, you have nothing to complain about. Your fiance needs to get them. If there are court orders specifying visitation days, and she is not following them, your fiance can file contempt. If your fiance is asking to swap days for his own convenience, and it is not part of the agreement, she doesn't have to do it. Just remember, she may have plans then too, and to continually ask her to change her plans/routine is also unfair.

If you want her to share the pick up/drop off, again, get it in a court order or parenting agreement.

If maintenance is due on 30th of the month, it should be paid on 30th of the month. Maybe that's when her rent is due, or when some of her bills are due, and your fiance paying it late may be a problem for her.

I guess I am just saying that there are two sides to every story, and sometimes trying to put it in a perspective other than your own can help you to understand that SOME of what you are outlining here is a little unreasonable, and that maybe having it all spelled out in a court order will remove some of the clear uncertainty in the relationship between your fiance and his ex.

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