I'm new here and really need relationship advice. Husband trouble!

Brittny - posted on 09/05/2012 ( 4 moms have responded )

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My name is Brittny my daughter is a 1 1/2 years old and I have been with her father for 5 years married to him for one. I have recently had medical problems that have been very severe and have caused a strain on our relationship. I have migraines that last weeks, spasms in my face and we recently found out I have a tumor on my upper spin and scoliosis in my lower back. I am on high doses of medications to help me function.

On Sunday I found out he was talking to another girl online, he was telling her we were getting a divorce and that for a while now he had been planning on leaving me. They were making plans to hook up after he separated from me. It goes into more detail and he made it sound like it was mutual between the two of us. I wrote this person who I have met several times and told her that I was not aware we were getting a divorce, she of course attacked me.

When I talked to my husband there was no yelling which was really suprising but he wants a second chance. I don't really know what I want to do. I need advice, my family wants me to leave him. I don't want my daughter to grow up without a dad. I am so hurt he was my first real love. I also have his two other kids from his previous marriage to think about. They call me momma brittny. I am begging for other opinions. Please help!

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Tracy - posted on 09/07/2012

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See if he will go to marital counseling AND participate actively in it. If he will, that is a HUGE step to him proving this likely won't happen again. If he refuses, then the behaviors likely won't change. It's a long road, but it can be traveled. :)

Tiffani - posted on 09/06/2012

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Hey, I know that I'm not an expert on relationships, however I have been married for about a year and a half. One of the most important things in a marriage is communication. You can't expect to be close to someone unless you talk to them about everything, as long as the content of your talking is respectful and selfless to that person. Your husband NEEDS respect just like you need love. He is going to react with little love if he feels little respect from you, that is a fact that I have learned from my marriage and many others. My parents were on the brink of divorce until God intervened after years of prayer. There are 5 of us kids and I am soo thankful that they stuck through it. If you are both willing to stay married as one, it will take work. The biggest most crucial thing that my husband and I have learned is that God the Lord needs to be number one. If you are hurting, turn to Jesus. If you are frustrated, turn to Jesus. If you want peace, turn to Jesus. Talk to God first before you unload all of your feelings on to your husband, trust me, it's the best thing. There is a God out there who cares, and I believe He allowed me to see this post for a reason, so I can tell you what He did in my life. Not only is He leading my marriage, but He has saved my life by Jesus Christ since I trusted in what He did for me on the cross and turned from my own ways. I gave my life over to Him. He made me, so He should be in control of me. God is the only answer, and that is not an opinion, it is something that is true and real in my life. You and your husband need help, and you can't really find it in yourselves or others, only God, who designed marriage and designed each of us personally. I'm sorry that your husband has been talking to another woman. That would make me sad for myself and my child. However, you as a wife need to learn how to love and respect your husband and woo him back to yourself. I'm also so sorry about your medical issues. You will get through them. As you are patient through your sicknesses, your husband will hopefully see that as a great example to him as to what a graceful and loving wife looks like through hardships. You and I and everyone need the Lord to teach us how to be unconditional in your love and respect and joy. It will help your marriage tremendously! I know this from experience.... :) I hope this helps.

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Ashley - posted on 09/08/2012

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Brittny, first I would like to say I'm terribly sorry to hear what you are going through. Medical issues like this are hard enough as it is and it is hard on a relationship. I would recommend trying to work it out if you haven't had problems like this in the past prior to the medical issues. But I also recommend that you don't just start trusting him immediately, that you have him earn your trust back. Do what you feel is best, but I recommend that he cut all ties with the woman he was talking to. If he has cheated before or has started to your best bet may be counseling. He has to be willing to do what you feel will earn your trust back and it has to be a 2 way street to make the relationship work. It can't be just you trying to work it out. Talk to him honestly about how you feel and how things are effecting you too. Try to make some time for just the two of you that can be stress free of the kids and get some intimacy back into your relationship, even if its just cuddle time and dinner together. Open communication on both sides is going to be the biggest thing to help you. Counseling may be a great option as it will help you both work through your concerns with the medical issues, work out things between you that you may not realize are a problem, and help you get stable again. If you have tried these things and they aren't working, unfortunately your family may be right.

I have been through a similar situation where I had medical issues for 3 years before they finally found out what was causing them. Prior to me finding out the cause of my medical issues I found out my husband had been cheating for 3 years prior to the medical issues. We had been together for 10 years. I tried to work it out for nearly 8 months when I found out he was still cheating the whole time. I ended the relationship at that point although I didn't want my daughter to grow up without a two parent household. It was the best decision I could have made, my daughter and I are both much happier. It has been two years since then and I am now remarried and expecting our first child together. It is terrifying to leave a relationship you have had for that long, but sometimes it is best as it has been in my case.

Concerning your medical conditions, if the tumor is causing the migraines I can't make a recommendation, but definitely see a neurologist if you can. My neurologist has me on a vitamin regiment that is safe at any time so that may help you. It doesn't eliminate migraines but it does help reduce them. These vitamins can be found at any place that sells multivitamins: 250 mg twice a day or 400 mg daily of Magnesium, 200 mg daily of Vitamin B2 also known as riboflavin, and 100 mg daily of Co-Enzyme Q-10.

I wish you the best of luck and truly hope things work out the best for you, whatever that may be. Listen to your heart, but don't let your love for him cloud your judgement. The adage that love is blind is so true. Sometimes we can't see the things that are wrong because we don't want to. As far as your family talk to them about why they feel you leaving him is best, you may be surprised by their responses and problems they may see that you don't. Also if you really want to work it out, talking to them and explaining your view may help them get behind you and support your decision to do that. You are going to need all the support you can get either way. Good luck...

Andrea - posted on 09/05/2012

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I would sit him down and explain to him how unhappy and frustrated you are with the medical issues your dealing with as well. Ask him to be honest about the reason that he is not happy in the marrige and try to come to an agreement on things that can be worked on. As for the other lady, if he really wants to make it work he MUST eliminate ALL contact with her. You can be there with him as he writes and calls her to tell her he is done. Watch him delete her info from his phone and social sites he contacts her on. He must understand that he has to earn your trust back but you cannot take it too far. If you do everything that in your power to keep your fam together you will be able to honestly tell yourself you have done everything you could. I hope it works out for the best for you and the kids!!

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