I need some advice..My husband never helps!

Stephanie - posted on 05/25/2010 ( 8 moms have responded )

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I am a stay at home Mom to my daughter who is 28 months old and I am 30 weeks pregnant with my 2nd child. My husband was laid off his job in March and has still currently not found a job. My husband is home most of the time but he is always in our bedroom on the computer or watching TV. He never helps me with the house or with OUR daughter. I am so... stressed out right now, I am very pregnant and I stay tired all of the time. It would be differant if he was working 40+ hours a week and he was tired after work, but right now he isn't working so I think he should be doing just as much as I do. I bathe, feed, play, dress and put our daughter to bed every night alone. Not to mention that she is 2 and is having her moody independent phase right now and is difficult to work with sometimes. I clean the house by myself and cook every meal. I have tried to talk to him about him helping me alot more, but of course I'm just nagging him. I am so frustrated with him right now and I just don't know what else to do. I find myself yelling at my daughter sometime just b/c I am so stressed. I never get a break, I never even leave the house except for going grocery shopping which I have to take her with me even when he is at home doing nothing. He just doesn't appreciate anything I do and today I was putting away laundry and my daughter got the cell phone off of the counter and he got mad because "I wasn't watching her" I can't watch her every second when I have chores that need to be done, that's why he should be in the living room with her while I am cleaning around the house. I don't know what I should do to get through to him, I really need some advice from other Moms!

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Gina - posted on 05/26/2010

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Leave him!! don't take that crap you might as well be by yourself from the sounds of it then you don't have to clean after him and do all his laundry and stuff too. that is unacceptable

Krystal - posted on 05/25/2010

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im sorry you have to put up with that... that is not right on his part in soo many ways! I really wish guys would realize all that we do, switch places with us for a day. I can't offer much advice to you because I don't have a lot of experience with the whole parenting thing yet, my son is only ten months old. But when I went back to work, granted not nearly as long as my husband was every week but still enough, my husband didn't help me out much around the house or taking care of our son. I was hurt by his neglect of my feelings, so I just stopped doing some things. I hated looking at the mess but hoped that by me leaving it long enough that he would get the hint that I needed help. It took him a few days but he finally got it and started helping out a bit more :) So I guess if youu don't mind a bit of a mess I would try that... hopefully he will get the hint and start helping. Good luck with everything!

Becky - posted on 05/25/2010

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ooo i'm right there with you i'm a mother of 4 (who are all under the age of 4)w/a husband that dsnt want to do anything w/the kids or the house who also got laid off about a 2 years ago and still hasnt found a job and even when i was the one working i was still expected to keep the house clean and keep the kids in line.... i wish i had advice for you but im in the same situation and have no clue what to do

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[deleted account]

Sweetie, I got mad at him just reading that! lol. Not sure why it pushed a button this morning....maybe I'm stressed...
Anyway, if he is not working, he should be spending 6-8 hours each weekday looking for work. Posting his resume, mailing hard copies to every business in the Yellow Pages in his field, setting up interviews, etc.

Also, if he is at home, he can watch your daughter while you go out for some "mommy time." You need some!! Seriously, I'm actually more stressed when my husband is at home-it messes up my rhythm, ya know? Also, he tends to make the mess bigger and seeing him sitting there relaxing makes me want to sit there and relax.... vicious cycle...

Here are a few suggestions. If he is watching TV, ask him to do something specific while you do something else. Like "Hon, Please unload the washer while I bathe ___. Or would you like to give her bath and I'll get the washer?" You have to tell him to do it while you do the other thing or he'll say he'll do it and 3 hours later it won't be done and you'll end up doing it anyway. But if you tell him to do it right then, while you do the other thing, he will sound lazy if he chooses to sit there while you are working. Also, giving him a choice makes him feel a little more in control and helps to avoid a fight.

A fitness book I have says to only watch TV for as many hours as you have exercised. Log his hours and tell him he needs to watch your daughter for every hour he watches TV.....after all, I bet you watch your daughter a lot more than you watch TV.

Not sure if $$ is tight since he is not working, but if it is, you could go out and get a part time job on the grounds that someone needs to be working. Then you can insist that he do everything you are expected to do as a sahm since you are tired after work. Just make sure you get a fun job at a cute boutique or something (That way it can double as social time). That might be a little too vindictive, but you know your relationship.

I'm a firm believer that with men, action speaks louder than words. My husband will tune me out in an instant if I say anything negative at all, but if I just shine a light on the bad behavior, he is kind of forced to see himself in that light.

Hope this helps, good luck!

Kareen - posted on 05/26/2010

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hey there, been there!!! well firstly you need some time to take care of you so if your parents are around or relatives or even close friends take advantage of them let them watch your daughter for a bit while you take a break!! he will not change in a rush, so start making some hard ultimatums so he knows you are not playing, i know that its a hard thing to do with a baby on the way trust me it wont get easier! make a roster, list things he likes to do and then take turns, like he takes his daughter for a walk every afternoon, or he does the bath while you cook, also try look for easy prepare meals for the evenings! then try the "day off" my husband gets fridays and i have sundays! i hope he gets a job soon but even if he does he still needs to help around the house! your last option is to bring some-one in to talk to him, you can even try counselling it does work sometimes i mean that men get tired of hearing us so they kinda learn to shut down when we talk or they just dont take us seriously so sometimes they need a bit of prodding from someone else. i hope this helps, all the best

[deleted account]

You shouldn't have to put up with this and your daughter shouldn't have to suffer. Respect yourself and your children, no one deserves to be treated like this.

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