I need some help on curing my pain.

Amanda - posted on 08/16/2009 ( 5 moms have responded )




I am 22 years old and have been married to my husband for two years, together for four in December. When we first offically became a couple in 2005, it was long afterwards that his ex came back into the picture saying she was pregnant. I had to deal with him hurting that after just recently being with him, she had gone off and had a child with another man. It hurt to know that he still cared about her enough to feel this way.. when I was finally telling him I loved him. It took only a few days for her to go to the doctor and find out that she was much further along than she excepted (7 months) and suddenly the 0% chance of Tony being the father was now 110%. I was crushed and it hurt. I was always the type of person that wanted to wait until I was married to lose my virginity.. and even though I loved my high school bf of a year, I never had sex with him (no matter the opportunities) and I never understood why until I met Tony. The day I met Tony, I couldn't get him off my mind and there was something that strongly pulled him to me.. by the time I knew I loved him I had accepted that he was meant to be with me so I didn't feel so bad that after only knowing him for four days that I had given him my virginity. I guess I knew that the only way to get his attention was through sex because he had said that he didn't want anything serious, he had just left a three year relationship. So as soon as she told him that it was definitely his child, I assumed I would be tossed aside.

It was aggervating having these issues be tossed around several times, with my heart on the line. I knew that he didn't love me yet and I had asked that he not tell me until he meant it. But I also knew that he obviously still loved her and I felt that I was going to lose him, even though I knew he was meant for me and that the only way he'd be happy was to be with me. But I didn't say anything, I was just there to hold him and hand him my support, let him decide on his own. Apparently his ex was forcing him to push the fact that the child was his on me, also trying to get him to break it off with me. But also saying that she didn't want to keep her daughter, just give her up for adoption. I felt bad hearing that Tony would lose his child through adoption, but seeing as he wasn't leaving me for his ex, I assumed it was for the child's best.

Sarah, that's her name, was with her adopted parents for only three days when his ex's mother (and her gf) came into the picture and told the ex to go back and get Sarah. She said she wanted to keep Sarah until either of them where ready. This is where I began to really get upset and hurt. Eventually I told Tony that I wanted a baby with him and that if he planned to have sex with me then it was to be without using a condom. I pretty much made sure that I was going to have his child next. I had already been hurt that he had my virginity but I did not have his. That I loved him unconditionally and he was only beginning to truly love me... seeing as I stayed with him and accepted that he had a child with another. I had wanted a boy and wound up having a baby girl, just like she did.

It took several years for me to get his ex out of my mind, to realize that I was the one he loved because he choose to stay with me, have my child, and marry me and spend the rest of his life with me. It's just recent that I stopped having the nightmares of her and him together... and it's just recent that I realized how much he truly loves me and wishes he could change his past and replace her with me..

But the depression still takes a toll on our sex life and I rarely get excited the way I used to. I still feel equal to his ex and I hate feeling equal to someone that he doesn't care for anymore and wishes he had never made mistakes with. She got everything from him that I wish I could have had and she got it all first. No matter how easy it is for him to wash her away, it's not so easy for me. The one thing that makes me forget her is being in the presence of my stepdaughter, Sarah, but even this has been a struggle. His ex's mother and gf don't really care for Tony, so now it's been nearly a year since we have tried calling to get her, we just resort to seeing her when Tony's mother and ex stepdad get her.

There are two things I know of that will make the ex wash away completely, there are two things that I know will bring happiness back into my life and that is:

1. Getting full custody of Sarah, my stepdaughter and
2. Having a son, that is the spitting imagine of his father...

I know that if we have full custody of Sarah, that I don't have a fear of her mother getting her again and taking her four hours away. I also know that I don't have to go through the ex to get to see Sarah. But the only problem is the difficulty in this situation... we don't know how to accomplish this. Can you help us?

Tony's name is not on the birth certificate, so we know that we will need a paternity test. I am working with my mother in law, trying to see if she will pay for the costs of the test. But.. I have a question:

1. If we have never paid child support, even though we have never had proof of him truly being the father, could they use that against us in court?

2. There isn't proof of him being the father and his name isn't on the birth certificate, but both him and his ex signed a paper to hand custody over to his ex's mother. Would that document mean anything once he has proven to be the father, since the proof was made three years after the signing of the document? Could we, after finding out he is the father, go to court and attempt at getting custody or could they use that document as proof that the ex's mother is the legal guardian?

Please help us!


And as for having a baby boy... since our sex life is rare it is hard for us to attempt at getting pregnant and I also fear at having another girl. I have worked up at having our son so much that I know I'll be crushed if I don't get him... and I feel that I'll forever feel equal to the ex, even if I do have him forever. I want the one thing she didn't get and the one thing she'll never get... and that is a son, that is a son that looks and acts like Tony, the most amazing man in the world. Can you keep us in your prayers? I want my son Troy Cannon Greer, more than anything else in this world.

Please help me. I need advice, I need a shoulder to cry on.


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Amanda - posted on 08/16/2009




Thank you all so much for you support and help, I greatly appreciated it. Sam, I have spoken with my husband about it and we have tired many things to get these feelings out of my mind, but they just stick around and torture me. He wants me to be happy but it is putting stress on his mind to because it's a part of his life that he wants to forget, so it's putting stress on the both of us. This is why we have decided to take control and began starting to find ways to get Sarah for ourselves. And I am so scared that it is going to backfire because nothing in life has ever gone perfect for me and I have never been lucky, except for meeting my husband and having my daughter, whom was born early be born perfectly healthy, just small. --

Amanda, I guess I might have confused you, but it is my husband's mother that I am asking for help from when it comes to the DNA test and yes, we have to have that. His mother has already offered to help us at any time that we need it, so I am finally going to ask for it. In Georgia if the mother comes within seven days she can have her child back, that is how she got Sarah back from the very beginning. I fear that if we do try to take action in making me an adopted parent right away that she will most definitely come in, out of the blue, and steal her right out of our hands! I don't want that to happen, so I am looking for visitation rights and ability to get Sarah without having the ex's mother always using excuses or denying us that ability. Then I want to work on getting full custody and then eventually become her adopted mother, once we have proved to be more fit for Sarah than the mother... as she is not in Sarah's life as we are. She is four hours away, rarely visits, and only left Sarah live with her for two months before she brought her back with an excuse. I don't want her to have another chance when I can see she doesn't truly care the way we do. I think my husband deserves a chance before she deserves any other opportunity!

I mean, she is ignorant! She wonders why she had a miscarriage, but she said to me, 'I only smoke pot through a pipe because the wraps aren't good for the baby", then stepped outside to smoke a cigarette? As well as saying, "Do you want some wine Amanda?" (This is when we were both pregnant at the same time, at Sarah's first birthday party, when Sarah lived with her for those few short months) "Red wine is good for the baby.".... I was shocked at how ignorant she sounded and wasn't shocked when I found out she had a miscarriage.

I mean, she had had a period her entire life then said that the doctor said she couldn't have a child and had unprotected sex with Tony... and then spent six months drinking and doing drugs until she suddenly realized she was pregnant and at seven months?! I am shocked that Sarah didn't have brain damage....

Thank you for you helping hand and a shoulder to cry on. I need it a lot these days.

Amanda - posted on 08/16/2009




Hi AMANDA! I want to first hand u my hand and have you walk with me for a minute. I Felt the way you have been feeling years ago. Love is very tricky thing and does horrible thing to us. Ur Jealous is destroying you and your family. I know that sounds harsh but it's the truth. Sorry i don't mean to be rude to you..I'm 29 hitting 30 and those things that u are going thur minus a kid i went through 13yrs ago.

U want to have this kid as our's then first u need to know what your state law's are.
Child Support can not be held against U or him unless Child support was Court ordered and that means the Custodian of "sarah" would have to have filed with your local Child Enforcement agency. It could be that it was filed and he was never served, i don't know ur state but i know in Ohio if someone files for child support and the father isn't on the birth certificate the court will order a DNA test done before they order child support.

As for getting the DNA test done Good thinking But as for Asking for the EX's mother to help is only bringing that part of your life u want to rid yourself of....At somepoint she might be mad and hold it against you that she paid for half and you own her back...
If she helps you i would get something is writting and both parties sign as a legal binding contract and have 2 copies one for you to keep and one for her to keep with both your signatures and at least one witness...I have family who worked in law for 30yrs it does hold up in court if they decide to change their minds... ANd i have learned they hard way...

Adoption varies from state to state and agency...Contact your local probate court ask them questions and you can call your states health of vital static's for help..
The ex's mother would have to sign legal papers giving sarah up to you and your husband...that might be hard...First find out if the mother can come back and anytime and ask for her back...times have changed but it used to be if a child was adopted and lived with their new family it didn't matter if everything was legal and signed the mother could take the child back with no questions asked and taking from it's new family...SO Seriously check into that...u might have to hire an attorney if things get sticky.

Amanda U CAN ALWAYS CRY ON MY SHOULDER>>> I'm here 4 u

Sam - posted on 08/16/2009




OMG you poor thing you've been through it haven't you. Have you told your husband how bad you are feeling? I think getting full custody sounds like a good idea but from what i also know about custody battles it can be stressfull and very very emotionally battering so maybe you need to sort your relationship out with hubby first?

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