I want to be a stay at home mom but my husband wants me to work!

Francesca - posted on 07/16/2013 ( 21 moms have responded )

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I'm 17 and having my first baby and my husband is 21. I grew up in a family where my dad was the bread winner and my mom stayed home and raised 5 kids and home schooled them, I'm so thankful that my mom did that for us and that has been my dream since I was a kid to do that for my kids. Before me and my husband even began a relationship he knew it was my dream to be a SAHM but now he is saying once our daughter starts going to school that I need to start working. I know we can afford it because he makes good money and we live on a budget, besides I want more than one child and he said also in a couple years were going to get two puppies and I can train them which I have no problem with seeing that I love training dogs but nothing adds up to me! When my baby does go to school and if I were to work someday and were going to have two dogs sooo i'm not gonna leave the dogs for a full day to go work. That's not right to the pets. We just argue back and forth about it, and he says his mom always worked so I can too. I just need advice because I feel if I went to work someday that I might end up resenting my husband and I don't want to do that. Also please dont say any negative comments about how young I am with having a baby or being married. I've known him since I was younger than 7 and I'm also very mature and responsible for my age. So please give advice! I would really appreciate it :)

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Krystal-Tess - posted on 07/20/2013

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IMO its not fair to force your husband to be the sole provider, just as you think its not fair for him to try to force you to work. i think you guys really need to sit down and hammer out a good compromise. maybe you could work part time two or three days a week for like 4 hours or so. or maybe you can go to college while he works for now. it's a good idea to further your education anyway. if something happens to your husband one day, god forbid, you will have to become the sole provider for your child(ren) and it wont be easy. especially since you wont have anyone to help you watch the kids. KWIM? There has to be a compromise somewhere. make it your top priority to figure out what it is so you and your husband can stop the fighting. (=

Julie - posted on 07/20/2013

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First, you both are getting WAY ahead of yourselves. Step back and take this one day at a time. As the wife, you are the visionary, we see the future and are always one step ahead of the man. This is because the man is focused on survival in the present. He can not see outside the stress he is in, and is feeling like you are not "supporting" with your decision to "not work" This is of course not the case, but keep in mind that your love and support and encouragement is what gets your man to the future you want, see and deserve.
It is, and will continue to be a constant battle/ balancing act for most of us women; teetering between marriage, mothering and moneymaking. The key is to acknowledge your husbands feelings, while staying true to yourself.
After 14 years of marriage, I have learned that negotiation is key. It's like compromise with a pay off! For example, I told my husband. I will go back to work part time, but I want to stay home the first year of the babies life. He agreed and after one year, I went back on weekends while he played "Mr Mom"
The reversal of roles can be a challenge, however it is also beneficial in gaining a better understanding of each other
Over the years he's continued to put 'pressure" on me for "more money" (me increasing my work load). But when I felt is would compromise my children's development, I'd treat it like any business negotiation. Typed out a budget of what it would cost to hire professionals to do all my SAHM jobs, plus daycare, minus what little I'd make and we would be in the RED.
Or I'll write a list of ways I saved money last month; ie: no dry cleaning, or cut back on hair appointments, or no trips planned or eating out. coupons, whatever! It showed him I was doing my part from the other end. It showed I was listening, respecting and cared about our finances just as much, but with a different approach. These acts of shared interest and education allowed me more time with my boys, and a happy husband.
Now my boys are school aged and I have again increased my work load (and loving it by the way!)
My point is it doesn't have to be all or nothing in this day and age.
The fear of resentment you share is more than likely what he is already feeling towards you! Turn that around immediately by showing him support any little way you can, and remind him that you are "in this together" :)

Bryophyte - posted on 02/16/2014

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By my senior year in highschool I was pregnant with my second child, had my first one at 16. Yes it was very young but my partner an I were very mature for our age. I went to traditional highschool full time and graduated with all my friends. I started college that fall and worked part time. The only reason why this worked for us was because my husband helped me so much. He always worked nights so I could go to school and work during the day so day care was not an issue. By the time I was 22 and in my senior year in college I was pregnant with #3. By the time I was 24 and my husband 27,we bought our first home. If I had decided to be a SAHM, I have no doubt that we would be dirt poor and on Welfare. You cannot just sit back and expect to play mommy and have more kids while leaving all the financial burden to one parent an vice versa, husbands should not expect moms to take on all the responsibilities of home chores an child bearing. Think of your kids future and yours as well. One of my biggest motivations was self sufficiency. I did not want to depend on a man for survival. What if something happened to him one day and I was left alone to raise our children. Or what if one day he left me or I wanted to leave him. I did not want to feel stuck with someone for monetary reasons. Now I'm 29 and my youngest is in school so we decided I should go back to school to earn a graduate degree. I choose a really academically challenging major so we decided it was best if I took a few years off work to focus on my studies. The only reason why I agreed was because we are debt free( besides mortgage and car payment) and if anything were to happen,I could quickly resume my previous career. Now after I finish school we can focus on my husbands education. Keep in mind that since I worked and also went to school my husband went above and beyond in helping with household chores and taking care of the kids. It took a lot of sacrifice from both our parts to work opposite shifts and barely having time to see each other. Also, he took care of the kids during the day and worked all night. What I'm trying to say is that both of you need to sacrifice and be there for Each other. We went through a lot of tough moments like using the city bus as transportation snd making descisions on what to spend our last $11 dollars on, food or diapers. But moments like those only made us be more determined to work hard to not live in poverty. Now I can just about guarantee my kids will be college educated because they have grown up seeing us work and study so hard and they have a very strong value for education even at such a young age.

Lana - posted on 07/17/2013

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You want to be a SAHM I can understand that. Why not just work part time? When the children start school their won't really be much to do anyway. Staying home to care for the pets is somewhat ridiculous to me as well... Pets can go to daycare? I'm sorry, but I find your entire argument to be immature and poorly thought out. Women in todays world should know full well that they may have to work.

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Taibasaif - posted on 07/05/2014

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I am 24 ive had a baby girl who is now four months. My hubby wants me to do a job 😒. Our finances are not great, but i dont want to work. I am thinking of starting a part time job only when my baby starts going to school. I think we as mothers are doing so much. Which dads can never do its just what nature intended. Just sit down with him and hav a good talk. He will understand soon when he sees how hard it is to manage everything....just talk to him ,consider part time , see how it goes even your hubby will see then mayb he will understand where u are coming from. Good luck😚

Emily - posted on 03/04/2014

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Hi! I'm kind of in your position right now. Im19. I got Married and had my son when I was 18. My husband works and makes pretty good money also. But he does want me to go back to work. My son is 4 months old and I am not ready to leave him. However, I know I want to be here to get him ready and take him to school, pick him up and spend the rest of the day with him doing things together. So we have agreed that I will go back in a few weeks. His money will go to bills and we will save mine until our son goes to school. Then I can quit and stay at home. I'm conSidering homeschooling as well. I really don't want him going to public school. I just don't know that I would be able. Do you have any info. To help me out on that?

Jordan - posted on 03/04/2014

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It is great to be a sahm! I love it. I also got married at 18 and worked part time during the first year and half before we had a baby. We have been married 5 yrs now and I stay at home. We have not always had it easy as far as finances but it is a blessing to the kids. I think if your hubby feels like u need to work and u want to stay at home u should have a heart to heart conversation. And I'd suggest getting a part time job if he won't budge where u can still be home most of the time. U may enjoy the time out too. Hope that helps! They say young marriages will never last but it will if u work at it!!! Any marriage for that fact! Keep up the good work!!

Rebekah - posted on 03/03/2014

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Young or old we can all be good mums, my mother was your age when she started having children and has been the best mother I could ask for. You can be a great mum at any age- don't let anyone tell you otherwise! As far as going back to work is concerned I wouldn't worry about it yet, once the baby comes and your husband can see how much work a baby is he may change his tune.My husband told me just yesterday that although he loves spending time with our little girl he wouldn't want to swap with me because it is such hard work!
I have to say I don't agree with some of the others who have replied, if you are at home looking after your little ones then you don't need to feel financially obligated to go back to work especially if your husband, as you say, earns enough to support the family.
In the long run you may decide you want to work just to spend time around adults! In the mean time don't feel guilty for wanting to be with your babies and when the time comes don't feel guilty for wanting to spend some time away from them! And don't forget to show your husband how much you appreciate him working hard to support you and I'm sure once the baby is here he will appreciate all the work you do at home.
Good luck and enjoy our husband and baby 😊

Chet - posted on 02/28/2014

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I agree that you're getting way ahead of yourself. You and your husband should decide to not worry about this too much right now. You may feel that you want to work part time at some point in the future. Your husband may eventually feel that there is more than enough to do at home if you have multiple kids and pets and a house to take care of. Right now, if you agree that you should be at home that's what matters the most.

That said, I believe very strongly that there are huge benefits to having a parent at home full time. I see so many two income families spread very thin and spending a lot of the money they earn just to finance the cost of working (daycare, a second car to get to work, clothes for work, convenience items because they have so little time, etc).

If my kids are having trouble with a subject at school I have time to sit down and teach them myself. Our kids are so happy that I can volunteer at their school for a full day every week, and I'm happy to be there and to know all of their teachers and all of the kids in their classes and extra curricular programs. I have time to do the things I want to do - like read for an hour at bedtime every night and be here so our kids can come home for lunch. Our house isn't thrown into chaos when a child has to stay home from school because they're sick or when there is a school holiday and we need to find childcare. I'm really happy about the sort of childhood we're able to give our children with a parent at home full time.

Shonda - posted on 07/22/2013

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I would say get a part-time job somewhere like a clothing store, restaurant or something girly. I am a 22 y/o mother of 2 . I'm a SAHM and I have been one for the past yr. I'm looking for a part-time job now. At our age it is important for us to be around other people our age to socialize trust me. I live in a boring small city and I get depressed sometimes because my boyfriend is always working and it's not much to do. I'm from Jersey , so I know how it is to have fun! It's not good to be depressed around children and sad. That's why you need time away to be able to miss them. I'm willing to sacrifice time with my boyfriend in the day when he's off to be at work because I need to be around other adults too. Good luck I hope you can take something away from my input.

Leslie - posted on 07/22/2013

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I love working outside the home, plus we do not make enough if I stay at home. I work five jobs I'm counting the kid. Plus do half the house work.we do not do daycare. We work different shifts and if we do work the same shifts my family will watch her.

Ann - posted on 07/22/2013

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My husbands military and I agreed that I would be a SAHM but changed my mind sure enough. You have to take into account what's best for not only yourself, but your child, and your husband. Yes we have enough of an income I could be a SAHM full-time, I wouldn't want that for our family knowing, that with a second income, even if it's part time a couple days a week that we can give our kids better lives. Not to mention I'd love to make some new friends, get out, enjoy life a little, get rid of that cabin fever feeling and know that I'm not going to have myself stuck doing the laundry, all the housework, and the upbringing of our kids for the next 20 years right. You just have to sit down, talk things over with your husband, and come to an agreement and meet in the middle somewhere.

Sara - posted on 07/19/2013

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I wanted to be a SAHM as well. But I ended up getting a job, part time, mainly because I want to be able to give my baby as much as possible, not just the bare essentials. I feel he deserves the best possible, and if that requires me working 3-4 days a week then so be it. Also, 5-6 years down the road is a ways away. He might change his mind (especially if you have more than one child by then). And if not, then maybe you can compromise by working just 2-3 days a week while your child is in school. Good luck, and I think it's great you want to stay home and raise your kids!

p.s. I got married and had my son at 19. I don't think it matters that you're young. Its great that your man is staying by you and stepping up!

Danielle - posted on 07/17/2013

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I think you may be a little to young to be worrying about that far into the future.
Have you finished graduating?
I think it would be wise, if you don't have your diploma, to get it while on maternity or whatnot for the first year of the child's life.
After that, then you should probably get a job. It is always nice to have an adequate Maternity leave if/when you have another baby. Also, I don't want to be "that woman", but seeing as your'e so young you can't quite predict the outcome of your relationship. I think it is wise to have some work experience for reference if you need it down the road.

I also think, because you are a younger mother, having a job may help you in the long run! It is a big adjustment for most women to go from having all the freedom in the world to suddenly being at the beck and call of a little person. Having a job may be a good way for you to stay social, while bringing in an income, and still gaining the much needed work and life experience.

Michelle - posted on 07/16/2013

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I can see your husband's point. You may be doing ok now but in the future the cost of living will only increase plus the needs and costs of your child will also increase. It's more of a luxury being able to stay at home now. Most households, both parents have to work to get ahead.
Do you own your own home or are you renting? If your renting are you going to want to rent forever?
What about paying for your child's schooling? Do you save a lot each pay or are you living paycheck to to paycheck?
I think staying at home until your child is in school is a good compromise though. At least he's not wanting you to go to work 6 weeks after you have bubs.

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