If your Mother-in-Law has injured your child, is it wrong to play keep away?

Kenzie - posted on 11/27/2012 ( 28 moms have responded )

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About 3 months ago just days before my son became 7 months old, I allowed my mother in law to watch him while me and my husband went on a date. 4 hours later we receive a phone call saying he hasn't stopped crying for 3 hours and she thinks he is hurt...We rushed from where we were to her house immediately, and upon getting him to the hospital we discovered his femur (which is also the hardest bone in the body to break) had been snapped clean in half. At that point we are asking the questions, How could you wait 3 hours to call? Were you under the influence? Did you do this on purpose or on accident? CPS of course got involved and investigated the situation further. To this day none of us know what actually happend, and she refused a polygraph. She claims she had been drinking, which is already a red flag in my book. Anyways, in light of the holidays and the family strain I am feeling the need to ask...is it wrong to play keep away from my mother in law? Me and my husband both agree she does not deserve even a supervised visit with our son at this time, but there has been a lot of family push back on my husbands mom's side involving guilt trips, manipulation, and overall it seem's as though my sister in law, my mother in law, and "step" father in law are trying to make us believe we are horrible people wanting to maintain space right now. We have heard "I cannot bare to miss my grandsons first Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas" and she has already missed 2 of those because we don't want to give in. I don't know what to do anymore, because this is causing a major rift within the family, and me and my husbands opinion of it has not changed. We are not only playing keep away because of the incident, but also because we had our son at young ages I was 19 my husband was 20 when he was born. My mother in law has a tendency to baby us, and treat us as though we don't know what were doing (when in my mind, she clearly didn't know what she was doing when my son got hurt) When we first told her I was pregnant she offered to have us live with her and she would raise the baby for us....(Umm..NO?!?!) After our son was born she made statements like "you're doing better than I thought you would, I didn't think either of you could handle it" or "If you guys ever need a break, we can just keep him here for a week or 2". My husbands life since the incident has gotten so much better. He is building a real connection with his dad and grandparents, who his mother kept him from most of his childhood after a messy divorce. Because she babied us so much, we really weren't moving forward with our lives, and this situation has really turned our lives around for the better. I feel like a stronger mother because of it, and would do anything to protect my family, and insure my son is not sucked into her mind games ever. But...is that so wrong? Or am I doing the right thing?

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Sarah - posted on 11/28/2012

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As a social worker, I'm surprised the courts would allow her be around the baby. DO NOT let that woman be around your child. IDC if the family doesnt like it. Your #1 job as a mother is to protect that baby! I would never ever let her watch a child unsupervised and I would probably never see the kid again if it were mine. You're doing the right thing- dont let yourself be convinced your not by people who are not putting your child's well-being first.

Nikki - posted on 11/29/2012

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I would never let her see my child again and I wouldn't have anything to do with her either.

Ann Marie - posted on 11/27/2012

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I believe you r doing the right thing. If your son was injuried under her care and she was drinking. thankful he was not hurt worse. Sometimes head games are hard to break free from. my mom tried to control when she would see our child her words were " if she cant be in my home for an hour or overnight then im done." so for one year i made her eat her words she didnt see her for one year. In that year i reconnect with my birth father after 25 years, planned a wedding and almost had the wedding. When I reconnected with her it was my rules or she would never see her. I was threated with grandparents rights and all the above. unless she can prove she care for him most of his live that doesnt matter. you and yor husband must protect your child at all cost. As far as the holidays surround urself with positive love. And as far as your mother in law let her know u love her and its because of how much u love her. u are loving her best at a distance. i hope this helps

Merrie - posted on 12/30/2012

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I don't think you are doing anything wrong. We had a similar incident (not a broken bone, just weird behavior when our son came home) with a family member and we haven't allowed our son to go back or have unsupervised visits since. If you aren't 100% secure in knowing that your child's well being is being tended to where they are, then there is 0% probability that you should send them back there. There is a reason she is refusing a polygraph. While I'm not saying she did this on purpose, she definitely has something to hide. Until you know what it is, you should definitely keep your child away. If your husband or yourself decide that you want his mother to see the baby, visits need to be supervised by one or both of you.

The fact that you feel like a stronger and better mother now shows that whatever influence she had in your life was toxic. So to hell with what anyone has to say. You are doing the right thing for yourself, your marriage and most importantly, your child. So kudos to you mama!

April - posted on 12/01/2012

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Absolutely not! You are doing the right thing 100%. It's not playing keep away it's protecting your son. We are in a similar situation with my in-lanws. I don't care who they are if you can't trust them with your baby they have no business around them. Don't give in to the guilt, it's no one else's business. You are a good mother. And your husband is a good father and husband for supporting you and standing up to his family. Make sure you keep telling him that so he is encouraged. It is a difficult thing to stand up to your parents but it is an even more difficult thing to have something happen to your child and know you could have prevented it.

28 Comments

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Godfirst - posted on 01/01/2013

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She must know mine! lol. sorry not funny but true. my *step* mother in law is exactly the same way. so in the answer to your question, no youre not wrong. youre absolutely 100 percent right. screw grandparent rights. if shes unfit, shes unfit. has your husband said anything of his childhood with her? I left my child with mine one time for three hours something like that, long enough to go to a doc appointment and left 8 diapers just in case. she used one. and it was soaking through my childs clothes. so know that youre decision to shield your child from a narcissistic selfish person is perfectly normal

Crystal Ann - posted on 12/31/2012

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No you are doing the best thing for him and I have not let anyone in my family around my adopted son and daughter since they were taken from my son and his wife by c.p.s. Because of things like that to.

Shauna - posted on 12/27/2012

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I totally believe you are doing the right thing. But I probably would have hurt her like she hurt my child after we got done at the hospital. I believe that yif you really think she did it you need to press child abuse charges against her and to the fullest extent. She will be forced to take a polygraph by the police and then you should get the answers that you are looking for. I would like to hope that she wouldn't injure her own grandson, but I honestly believe in my heart that she did and she should have the same thing done to her that she did to him and that she should rit in jail for the rest of her life. I work with children and have two children of my own and had a step son that passed away because of neglect on his mothers part so I take child abuse very seriously and absolutely do not tolerate it.

Kenzie - posted on 12/26/2012

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So Christmas didn't go as planned. Ended up hearing my sister in law was on the outs with my mother in law and that she wouldn't be attending so what do we do...we go over therefor Christmas, and the only person who was there besides my sister in law and brother in law and their child was the last women I wanted to see. She promptly asked to hold my son, and wished me a Merry Christmas...when I completely ignored her she cried and threw a huge drama scene. I had a fairly traumatic Christmas and learned fast my in laws have stepped up there game in manipulative nature

Dominique - posted on 12/24/2012

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I would keep him away. Far, far away. Especially with the way his mother sounds to be. If she's been keeping him away from important people in his life, that's wrong. And he seems to be happier with these other people. I would never trust that woman again. These people sound over zealous and I think no matter how guilty they make you feel, it's not right to put your son into their hands.

Ashley - posted on 12/21/2012

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you are absolutly doing the right thing! keep doing it. if the other family doesnt agree with you, then they can keep there opinions to themselves or you can stay away from them as well. it is your job as a mother to protect your children. she has hurt him before, and if you were to take your baby around her cps would get involved again and say that you failed to protect and you would not have your son. stay as far away as you can. even in supervised visits, things can happen. you do what is best for your son. dont let them guilt trip you into letting her see him. dont chance it, because your baby might get hurt again, or even worse. good job standing your ground, and keep it up.

Miranda - posted on 12/19/2012

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I think you are doing the right thing. I wouldn't want anyone around my child that has ever hurt him/her.

Marri S. - posted on 12/17/2012

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I'm so glad I found this topic. Please continue doing what you are doing, and I'm glad you have your husband on your side.

Mary - posted on 12/17/2012

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I think if you are asking the question, you already know the answer. If I were you, I wouldn't mind, you have a great support because your husband feels the same as you do.
Don't believe in guilt. Your son, your business. You are the only mother he has and you have all right beyond this world to protect him. Saddly, when you are a young mother to get treated as if "poor baby with that inmature mom", but motherhood kicks right in, and regardless of age, when you love your baby you'll know what's best.
Trust yourself more than anything in the world. All advise is welcome, but you know what, you don't have to tri them all. How are you going to put yourself through hell, worrying for your baby's safety, just to make other family members happy? No way!!!!

Jamilah - posted on 12/11/2012

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The main problem is that she was drinking when she knew she would be caring for your child. She also refuses to tell you what actually happened to your baby. That is just ridiculous. I think a card with a picture of the baby will suffice for now. Maybe consider reconciling in the future but right now it's just too soon. Forgiveness is a gift and she should be willing to show remorse. NEVER leave your child in her care again.

Cass - posted on 12/09/2012

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first of all, I hate manipulators, and at the first sign of manipulative tendencies those people are cut out immediately. that's a pretty fuckin crazy story, and i would never allow the mother in law to see my child again. i don't care cry me a god damn river and drown yourself in it - ESPECIALLY if you can't own up to the truth. I respect a person who is honest enough to tell the truth even if it makes them look terrible, i will see the good in their bravery and honesty. If you can't see any of that in your mother in law except for emotional tugging and guilt tripping, they can go fuck themselves - i don't care who the hell you are. i already have zero tolerance with disrespect which is what my grandmother did to us, she disrespected my entire family and that's the line for me to say i've had enough. until we get an apology, she won't be hearing a peep from us. in comparison to your story, you have every right in the universe to ignore her playing the victim, and every family trying to stir up drama regarding the topic can back off as well. stick to your guns and don't let that woman harm your infant EVER AGAIN

User - posted on 12/04/2012

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Yea I am sorry that this has happened to you, I cant imagine I really cant. You sound like you are a strong intelligent GOOD mother. You are doing the right thing. If she thinks she has the right to walk away from this and not discuss it with anyone like its not a big deal, IDK waht to think. If it were me she wouldnt hear about him, come close to see him, talk to me, I jut wouldnt be able to do it.

It sounds like she is trying to play mind games with you saying (your doing better than I thought you would) Sounds like she thinks she can get yall to give in to her, but stay strong do not give in to that, it sounds like you totally are not. Feel good about yourself you are doing the best thing you can for your son, if she can let this happen once it can happen again and thats a chance you cant let happen.

The other members of the family need to realize that it is you and your hubbys decision, they can not sway or make the decision for you. Do what you feel best and let it be known to them, thats the only way you can get somewhat of relief of them getting off your back. If they know what happened and knew that she wasnt doing the right thing when she was the only person taking care of him, why would they want that innocent child around her? You are that baby's parents you are the ones that are standing up and protecting him from everything harmful. That baby is not of age to protect himself, he relys soley on you two to keep himself save. It does not matter what others really think of the situation family or not, you do what is best for him and you should know you are doing the right thing! Kudos to you for protecting an innocent child.

Shakima - posted on 12/04/2012

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Sorry to hear that but your not wrong & your inlaws really need to back off! Dont ever feel guilty for protecting your family.

Candace - posted on 12/02/2012

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As a mother I wouldn't allow her around my child. Only u and Ur husband can make the desion what is right for Ur child. If Ur husband is starting to get to know his other side go and spend Christmas with them.

Yonaymana - posted on 12/02/2012

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Um heck no it's not wrong to play keep away. You're totally right for thinking the way you are. I would go all kinds of crazy on my mother in law if that ever happened to my daughter. First things first she should know not to be drinking when she has a child with her. And because of that red flag there, heck to the no would she EVER be allowed to watch your kid again! (Just my opinion!) That's just straight up idiocy! And she reminds me of my sisters mother in law. She said the same things about keeping the baby for them so they can get a break, or raising it as her own. She even said that she wanted to take pills to make her lactate so she could share in the breast feeding experiences. Nasty lady. I think she is stuck on the whole mamas boy routine. And she might be thinking so little of you 2 saying things like she is surprised you're doing better than she thought. That just sickens me! BUT, im glad you are making it through all this! I say you are doing the right thing. You have to protect your child from harm. And in the long run - crazy lady over there seems harmful. Think of it this way --- fool me once, shame on you -- fool me twice, shame on me. (If you send him to her again for watching, and he gets hurt, knowing that it had already happened once before... next time you might not be so lucky as it just being a bone.) Good luck!

Gina - posted on 12/01/2012

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I am glad to hear that you've stayed strong through all the family pressure. The great news is that your son WILL grow up to be a healthy young man who knows how much you love him. And no matter what anyone says you know that you did the right thing, and so will he. As for the police, they rarely do the right thing in these cases, sometimes we have to let that part go. My parents were very abusive and should have both been charged and imprisioned, but my mother was allowed to raise other children! and my father is now surrounded by grandchildren, (NOT MINE!!) There is nothing i could do about it, i tried. So i prayed and left it to a higher power. We have more important things to do now than let them bother us. When you happen to think of her, change the thought to a happy tune you like!!

Kenzie - posted on 11/30/2012

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That sounds similar to my mother in law...4 months before my son was injured she had relapsed into a prescription medication addiction and was severely abusing anti-anxiety meds and pain killers. We boycotted her then too, and after 3 months of other family members assuring us that she had sought help and had recovered, we created new guidelines and allowed her to start watching our son again once a week for just a few hours. Apparently that was the wrong thing to do though considering just a month later this happened. I think this is why my husband stands strong with me now, we listened to everyone in the family when they said she was clean and better and it quite literally bit us in the ass. I guess sometimes even though it's family, you can't trust everyone. As far as your ex and mother in law are concerned I would try to intervene a little more, even legally if need be. Your ex should not even be putting your daughter in that situation if either of you suspect she might be using. From my own experience, when it comes to your child you can't always be so trusting, and you can't tell yourself "That'll never happen" because I did 4 months ago, and one of the worst possible things happened.

Ashley - posted on 11/30/2012

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Continue doing what you are doing. I am glad your husband stands by you and that you both agree. You are doing the right thing by protecting your child. My ex husband and I were both 18 when our daughter was born. His mother tried to take over our lives and acted as if our daughter was hers. When my ex and I got married his mother actually tried to control all of that too and actually told me I was quote "stealing her son from her and trying to take her place in his life." Our daughter was 3 at the time and we had been living together since we found out we were pregnant (and paying all our bills and providing for our daughter completely on our own the whole time.) After that she didn't come to our wedding, we moved 30 minutes away and didn't talk to her for a whole year. After that I finally let her see our daughter again because her husband (who is actually a really nice guy) wanted to see her. I trusted him although I didn't trust my mother in law. During that year of keeping her away from our daughter I discovered she had a drug addiction as well as was an alcoholic. After many reassurances that she had been treated for these issues I allowed her to have supervised visitations. Unfortunately even this turned out to be a mistake. My ex and I are now divorced and he allows his mother to see our daughter although I have asked him not to. She is bipolar and is addicted to drugs again. I have no proof of this due to her being on several prescribed medications, but my daughter always comes home with an attitude and extremely whiny since her grandmother doesn't feed her nutritious meals when she is there. She feeds her candy constantly, babies her, and her grandmothers poor attitude rubs off... I wish you the best of luck and am glad to hear you are protecting your child.

Kenzie - posted on 11/30/2012

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Thank you ladies! It's very reassuring to have multiple people agree with me on this particular situation. Gina, my mother in law was just as "selfish" after the incident. After we were discharged from the hospital with my son, she called us and kept saying "why would you do this to me?" (in reference to the police" "I can't bare not seeing him!" bla bla bla she was more concerned about what would happen to her than what she had just done to my son.

What bothers me about this, is that after a full investigation the police and cps workers were not convinced by her story, asked her to take a polygraph that she never ended up taking, and the case was closed with little information to go on. The side of me that feels anger right now just wishes for once she could be held accountable for her actions, but this women I swear can manipulate her way through anything...The most I can do is continue what I'm doing now, and keep my boy away from her, I even made it clear to my sister in law we'd stop coming to visit her altogether too if she didn't stop pressuring us to talk to my mother in law. I am so glad to have my son out of that environment!

Holly - posted on 11/29/2012

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The last part doesn't really matter in my opinion. The first part is the big thing. This lady had your son for 3 hours before she informed you that something was clearly wrong. On top of that she is refusing to tell what happened and I don't believe for a second someone could break their femur without someone knowing how a baby broke it. That isn't gonna happen. She knows. I'd bet my butt on that. That said she's refusing to take responsibility even if it's just to you guys and is using alcohol as her excuse. It's crap!



I wouldn't let her within feet of my child. She best case needs AA or some other help if she's drinking around a baby!!! Worst case she did someone she knows she'd go to jail for if she admitted it and she knows you'd turn her in.... To YOUR SON!



Tell her to go to hell and anyone else who is sticking up for someone who at best NEGLECTED a baby... or worse case abused a baby and your lucky it was just a broken leg. She'd get no sympathy from me.

Gina - posted on 11/29/2012

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Wow! I'll tell you what i think, you can never be too careful with your most precious gift. My sister whom i love dearly had taken my daughter to my mothers house. I don't speak to my mother but my sister still was at the time. I told her it was okay to stop in for a minute so long as she put her german shepard in it's room in the back. This dog had never even seen a child before and it was locked up in a small room with another smaller dog 80% of the time. My sister assured me 5 times that she had called and the dog was put "away". Well my daughter asked one more time before she entered the house because she was already scared of dogs, my sister told her to go in. Instead of going in first like any reasonable adult would have done under the circumstances! When my daughter ran around the corner to the kitchen she was face to face with this dog. It freaked out and chased her, almost bit her face but missed, then bit down on her back side. Luckily she had a belt on or it would have taken a chunk right out of her tiny little bottom. The "adults" just stood there and waited for the dog to release her and then intervened. They didn't call me for an hour to tell me what had happened because they were trying to find a way to blame it on my daughter, i'm sure you can guess my reaction! I had to have my husband convince my daughter to get into the car and have my sister drive her to us. Where we had an ambulance take us immediately to the er. The dog wasn't even up to date on her shots. My "mother" was more worried that i was going to have her dog put down than the damage caused to my child. I of course never thought about putting the dog down, but it was another wake up call to how selfish my "mother" really is.

I didn't allow my sister to take my daughter anywhere for over two years. Now i'll let my daughter go shopping right here in town with my sister for a certain amount of time. But thats only because my daughter is 10 1/2 now and i trust my daughter to tell me if things aren't quite right. My sister never did apologize to us for the incident, she still maintains that it was my mothers fault! Even though i would never have let my daughter visit my "mother" without my sisters supervision in the first place.

Just recently in my town a mom let a co-worker babysit her 3 month old daughter, and the co-workers 10 yr old daughter killed the baby!! While the co-worker, from the sounds of it was drinking or something in her basement with a neighbor!

You can never be too careful, and i think you have every right to keep the baby from that women. She clearly did something! And what kind of a person would purposefully hurt a defenseless infant?!?

Good call on your part.

Tanda - posted on 11/29/2012

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I agree with Sarah. Your first and foremost job as a mother, is to protect your child. And, sometimes that means hurting peoples feelings. My mother in law is an alcoholic, and I have never let her take my 3 year old to babysit or keep over night. And, she is now sober 6 months, and I still would not let her take him. I cannot risk my sons life, health or emotional well being for someone's feelings. They are going to have to get over it. We do however visit and spend holidays with her and are there to take our son out of any situation that may come up. I don't blame you for your recent precautions due to the circumstances. You are totally doing the right thing, in my opinion. Good Job, and Good Luck!

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