in a custody battle with my abusive ex. what if i have a hard time prooving he is abusive? I would be devastated if he gaine custody of my daughter.

Paige - posted on 08/16/2011 ( 70 moms have responded )

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Hello I am in a custody battle with my ex over our 11 month old daughter. He was very emotionally abusive towards me, her and his son. He has gotten physically abusive with me and her but the most with his son. I am having a hard time proving he is abusive. I have filed a protection order on him and I have a future court date on the 23 to see if I am awarded one year of protection. what is the chances of him gaining custody of her or even joint. Might I add his first born was removed from him when her mother died. THe grandparents gained full custody changed her name and everything. they were able to prove it.

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Kimberly - posted on 08/22/2011

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I'm divorcing my abusive ex-husband, we have a 2.5 year old daughter together, and we still have a ways to go before its all final, but my saving grace is that I'm involved with a local domestic abuse support group. Call your local, or even the national, hotline, and they can connect you to a group close to you. They can provide counseling, legal help, they can be there as support in court and help you provide proof of the abuse. Its difficult for me too, because my ex never actually hit me, but he did everything else; psychological abuse, sexual abuse, mind games, control, manipulation, isolation, and he did push and pull me. You could also, if they're willing, use the other child's grandparents and character witnesses against him. The thing about abusers is that they're always so charming, they can charm anybody into taking their side, so you need to make sure you cover all your bases. And make sure he doesn't know what cards you're holding in your hand. He needs to remain out of the loop, if he finds out anything, he could use it to his advantage. I'm not trying to scare you, I just know how abusers are. They will try to stay one step ahead of you, and for your child's sake, you need to make sure that doesn't happen. Also, getting a protection order is a great place to start. That will be on record for a very long time.

I wish you the best of luck.

Rachel - posted on 09/06/2011

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The court will always want the mother to have custody now. In the older days it was opposite.. the court system usually granted custody to the father. However i am in a similar situation... my ex was extremely emotionally and verbally abusive. He also became physically abusive with me in front of my child. Have you ever taken your children to the doctor after he was physically abusive with them?? If so those records can be subpoena in court. If not have you ever kept a journal or blog writing about whats going on? Because i was told by a lawyer that those such writings can be used in court. Also how old is the oldest child? You can have someone talk with your child about their dad. Children are very honest. But i would like to tell you that if your ex was abusing your children and you continued to stay with him they might say you continued to keep your children in an unsafe environment. So its very important for you to tell them your were in fear of what would happen if you left and you didnt have the resources to be able to leave and survive on your own with your kids. Because god forbid they find you unfit then you would be devastated!

Elizabeth - posted on 08/30/2011

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Hi! I want you to know that I'm going through the exact same thing! My husband and I was married for 8 1/2 years. My oldest was 2 months old, the first time that he hit me. I was young, naive, and scared, so I did absolutely nothing. I ended up leaving him on 7/31 when he raped me. I lucked out and my brother-in-law came over unannounced and my husband ran out the back door. Even though he came over though, he doesn't know if I'm telling the truth. I went the next day to get a pfa, and I filed for divorce just a few weeks ago. I don't have a job either. I have been a stay at home mom since 2006. It's truly and emotional roller coaster. You have to be strong for you kids, but at the same time you feel like you're drowning on the inside. I don't know if your daughter has any effects from the abuse, but I know that my son has slapped 2 people across their face since this all happened, and he's 7. I wish you all the luck in the world, and I'll keep you in my prayers as well. I too am trying to get sole custody of my kids, and I pray that they only give him supervised visitation. If you need to talk though, let me know. I think that we really need support, especially from people that know what you're going through. My family has been great, but at the same time, I don't think that they completely understand everything!

[deleted account]

Hahahaha, I want one of those cards, lol. Yeah, I wish my ex would find someone so he would quit bothering me. I think some of the reason he is still angry is because he hasn't found anyone to be miserable with.

My hubby's ex filed for their daughter the year that my hubby was supposed to file. We had already filed and she called and said that she was filing that weekend and Scott told her that if she filed she could get into trouble, she didn't care she did it anyway. We don't have her six months but we do have permission from the courts like you said.

His ex is whack job too, I think she has some kind of mental illness or something. She told him that she loved him and that she wanted him back after he and I got together, she used to call him all the time and would make up excuses to call him and then when she would go to get off the phone with him she would say, "I love you". My hubby was like, what, wth is wrong with you. And then she would call him back and scream and yell at him for whatever reason (usually it was made up) and then five minutes later she would call back and say, "I love you" again. Anyways, yeah, she's a whack job too.

She asks to talk to me every time she calls him, she acts likes she's my friend and talks to me like we're friends or something, and after my surgery she would call to check up on me and even told me that while my hubby was gone (he had to go tdy for 6 weeks a few months after my surgery) I could call her if I needed someone to talk to. She also friended me on facebook. I'm sorry but if you have lost all of your friends because they have figured out what a nut case you are and that you lie to everyone then that's your problem not mine, I don't need another friend. I mean it would be different if I could actually try to get along with the woman (and I did in the beginning) but she talks bad about my husband to their daughter and calls him a sperm donor and says that I am a cow. Who needs a friend like that?

Anyways, I hope you're right about the rocks and I hope they all get what they deserve because I don't understand how my husband and I work our butts off to have the wonderful family that we have and yet we get screwed from every direction. I am a full time college student and SAHM and he is in the AF, I also home school our kids and yet these whackos have primary custody. Both of our kids from those marriages are obese, both of our exes live with their parents, neither have a job or ambitions, neither are in college, and yet my hubby and mines kids are extremely healthy, they've been on antibiotics once in their entire lives (they're 4 and 5), they go to the doctors maybe once a year for a cold or a virus and then one other time for their check ups, they are happy kids and get along with everyone, they are respectful, and they are not emotionally damaged. How the heck do these other parents have custody? Why can the judges not see that it would be better for them to be with us?

I don't tell too many people that I don't have primary cutody (we have joint custody with him being the primary caretaker) because I am judged for it and people say, "you have to have done something really bad to have lost custody of your kid, you're the mom, you must have done drugs or abused him or something." Even my sons teacher and his principal judge me for it. When it's the father that doesn't have primary custody no one says anything but when it's the mother everyone has an opinion. I'm sorry my ex is the one with a record as long as my arm for drug posession, DUI's, MIP;s, weapons posession, etc., I don't have a record at all (okay maybe a speeding ticket, but that's it) I only got screwed because I didn't have a lawyer and he did and he lied to me. But to avoid having to explain the whole story I just don't say anything, I am really sick of being judged for it though and I really appreciate you all not judging me for it. I know I am a great mom and I know that I put my children first in every aspect of my life I just wish these judges could see what these people are doing to our kids. Emotional abuse is the worst kind of abuse. Some emotionally abused kids are the ones that grow up to hurt people or themselves. I really hope that that is not the case with our childrent but no one knows the future.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/18/2011

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Paige, try to get an email out to the grandparents. The judge can either phone them or see an email that they've written to you about why they have sole custody of the other child.

I've been in your shoes in family court a few times. I loved when my ex would come in with his wife and act like the perfect couple and the judge saw right through his little act. He was such an ass though! They both were. I started my custody hearings between the time my dad's mom was diagnosed with stomach cancer and placed in hospice and when she died. He came to my parents house the day we found out she died with all my dad's family around (he's 1 of 7 kids) and tried to tell us he was bringing his A game. His wife sent me horrid emails. I kept records of everything. That's what you need to do.

I got sole custody and sole residency no problem even though my ex tried to say I was incompetent and suffered from mental illness. I have ADD and bi-polar! He has ADHD and a documented family history of alcohol and drug abuse and mental illness! He was almost arrested back in 2007 because he came to get our child unanounced during the visitation and custody hearings before he moved from NY to TX! Get court and police documents, bring them with you. Make the court appoint you an attorney because you're entitled to one by law.

The biggest issue I'd forsee with you would be visitation rights. I'd strongly suggest having court ordered supervised visitation and make sure your lawyer cites the reasons why this has to be so. Explain your fears to the judge. Do whatever you can so he doesn't have unsupervised visits with your daughter.

And here's the bright spot, he could get tired of visits altogether. I live in BC now and my ex is in GA. He's seen our daughter a grand total of twice since the divorce and visitations. He and I went to court last year because he claimed I was trying to keep our daughter from him by moving out of the country. The judge (The same one from our last court dates) told him in order for him to plead his case he'd have to come up from GA to NY and he never did. So about 2 weeks after I had my baby girl (Which was ironically the day after my last court date back in March) my now husband came to court with me, explained why moving to BC from NY would be in my older daughter's best interest and I was allowed to move. My ex doesn't even contact me on YIM, doesn't try to call my mobile (I still have a US number for that) and doesn't email to ask about our daughter. Plus my daughter wants nothing to do with her father. Family court judges will put the child's wants and needs into visitations as well and when your child is old enough she'll be asked if she wants to continue visits with her father.

Again good luck. And you can PM me if you have any other questions.

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User - posted on 07/07/2012

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i dont think you will have a problem since the grandparents gpt custody of the first one. have them pull his files they will be proof enough. ive been there on the epo thing. my ex and i had a son and we split because he was drunk and pushed me into a wall. well when court came around i showed the judge some things hed written that were absolutely insane and got her to see his wrists where he cut hisself b4 and she ordered counseling for him and i got full custody he just gets supervised visitation which he doesnt ever show up. its been almost a yr since hes saw our son but my man of 3 yrs now treats him as his own.

Maritza - posted on 05/31/2012

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Im a stepfather the dad got custody be cause we lived i a studio the money we get is not enough for a lawyer i im so pissed cuz my girlfrien suffer alot he has said that my girlfriend was gonna kill her daughter its been two years since they took her and its been hell for us the father aunt is been obsessed with my girls daughter and just been throwing money out there for good lawyer we live in puerto rico law is shitty they humilate my girl friend we live like 45 minutes away they me her go way out their every two weekend she gets her saturday and sunday it is very currupted out her and money runs alot of thing please help us we cant afford a lawyer shes been to court like 20 time they have partial custody plz email us endo_602_watson@yahoo.com

Kim - posted on 09/27/2011

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Sorry haven't read all comments so if this has already been suggested/commented please forgive. You should be receiving alamony since you didn't work during the marriage. Also, I would ask my lawyer if he can get the soon to be ex to pay your lawyer fee's ...have them included in the divorce documents. I would seek out some type of couseling for your daughter and your step son...this way there is also documentation on their behalf how they are being treated...I hope the little boy doesn't get left behind! I pray the best for you all!

LaWanda - posted on 09/19/2011

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I don't know personally, but a friend of mine just went through a custody battle with her child, they had a LOT of issues, here are two links that she used to win her case. How to win child Custody: Click Here!

and
Keeping Your Kids: Click Here!

Julie - posted on 09/18/2011

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First time he attacked our daughter, I kicked him out. He was charged by the police over it - only with violating a domestic violence order - the police here very rarely charge thugs with assault in a domestic situation, even when it's a child who has been assaulted. He plead guilty to it. And even that made no difference in family court.

It was declared by the family court to only be a "one off" thing despite his long history of violence against others.

So very many women I know are trapped like I was- when their partners haven't hit the kids (yet), only hit them - but knowing if they leave that the family court will award equal shared custody because they don't consider being a wife-basher to be either abuse of the kids (even when they see it) or a danger sign that they could abuse the kids - yet these women know without them there, these men WILL harm the kids.

Plus the way shelters and government support for single parents is set up, it's a pathetic joke, and many women simply have nowhere to go and no money to support themselves (we have a system that cuts off most sole parent benefits when your youngest turns 6, and cuts off sole parent benefits altogether when they turn 8).

I've seen women made homeless because of this, and shelters will only take them very short term (eg a couple of weeks - even at longest only a couple of months) and when that time is up, with nowhere to go, often the kids end up back with their abusive father because the woman is declared an unfit parent as she has no stable accomodation.

While the government is making it even harder to access sole parent benefits (and about two years ago, they drastically decreased how much sole parents got paid), thankfully the family court system is being reviewed by the end of this year.

I'm one of the lucky ones - because my ex badly injured my back, I'd managed to get a disability pension three months before I kicked him out, so I had an income, and we had already been living in government housing which is reasonably priced and he wanted to move out and in with one of his mistresses, so he never fought to keep where we lived.

But without that, my daughter and I would have been lost.

And it's only by a sheer miracle, that she is alive and unharmed today. When he started showing that first mistress he'd moved in with, how abusive he could be, she kicked him out, and he moved in with another mistress he'd been having a long term affair with throughout our marriage. She is the psychopathic child abusing one who continues to be his main lover now.

It's ironic, but her jealousy of my daughter, is why my daughter is safe. It's too long to explain what triggered it, but she just decided one day that my ex had to choose her or his daughter - he chose her, the lover, and cut off our daughter altogether.

Haven't heard a peep out of him in over 18 months now. Not a phone call, not even a birthday card for our daughter. Within weeks of the family court telling him he could have our daughter every second weekend, he stopped most his visits, and within 3 months, he stopped all contact. All family court was to him was a way to prove that he could still control us if he wanted to.

And we've had to live with the threat ever since, that at any moment, he could decide to enforce his allocated visits every second weekend if he chooses.

Thankfully, the law is being reviewed - the family court is waking up to the fact that 1. abusers shouldn't have "rights", having a child is a responsibility not a right. and 2. that if someone deliberately cuts their child out of their life, they shouldn't just be allowed to waltz back in as if nothing has happened.

Unfortunately the old laws are still in place until the review is finished, and even then, they may or may not change the laws. But I'm hoping so. I'm tired of living under a constant cloud.

I can't even do simple things like move to be near my fiancee he lives in another state - I can't move my daughter out of the state because of the court order. Doesn't matter my ex hasn't contacted her in over 18 months, the court order is still in place until either the law is changed, or I have to go back to court to fight to have the custody order changed and deal with the abuse and threats from my ex all over again - and with the current laws in place, a magistrate will simply say no to moving anyway.

Australia has a lot of wonderful things, but our legal system is not one of them. The US has a much better legal system - family, civil and criminal.

Nikole - posted on 09/15/2011

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Now Now... Julie, you are from an entirely different country. Therefore the laws are probably different. I am guessing that Paige is American. I'm not sure how laws are in other countries, but here in America women have the upper hand in court when it comes to child custody issues. An abuser will NOT- repeat WILL NOT- be awarded any custody in our country. I'm sorry for your past history with you ex. Honestly, I've never been in that position and if I was, can guarantee that I would not be staying with the slimeball the first incident.
I'm thinking there is a misunderstanding between you and Rachel from cultural differences.

Julie - posted on 09/15/2011

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Rachel, I could have said exactly what you said about you. But I didn't, because it's nasty. The only difference is, I'd be justified because you're wrong, whereas nothing you have slandered me with is justified.

I have been through a custody battle with an abusive exhusband, and I have supported many women through custody battles with abusive exes.

Rachel what you wrote is nasty, ignorant and just plain wrong. I hope you get help for your ignorance and nastiness mate.

What kind of idiot judge would put a child in that situation? Well I'll start with the creep who awarded my ex shared custody despite the reason we split was he bashed our daughter just after her 5th birthday - punched her in the head as hard he could. He has a long history of violence against me, and other women, he has long criminal history for drug abuse, theft and other things. He has a severe personality disorder. Oh and he was living with a woman who is a diagnosed sociopath, convicted drug addict, banned for years from seeing her own child due to her abuse of her own young daughter, and who repeatedly threatened to harm not just me but my daughter as well.

I on the other hand, am university educated (with two bachelor degrees and was part way through a graduate degree), I'm involved in volunteer community work, ten years ago in fact I was given an award from the state governor for my community work (that's the Queensland, Australia state governor), I don't use drugs, don't drink etc etc.

The only reason my daughter is alive today is ironically because of his sociopathic mistress who insisted he choose between her and his own daughter and he chose his mistress - something I thank God for every day.

Maybe in your state, in whatever country you're from, things are different, but here, women are told every single day in court by magistrates that it's their fault their kids are abused.

It's not just courts either - it's child welfare services. or the Department of Child Safety as they are called here.

I was told to my face, by several different workers from DOCS if I even let my ex have visits with our daughter (even if they were supervised) without a court order, they would take my child because it was child endangerment and I would be a bad mother - that's SUPERVISED visits - BUT if the court ordered that he be granted visits, or even custody, they would not step in to even investigate despite his long history of violence, and his mistress' long history of abusing her own child.

Some of my work has been to help other mothers going through the same. Many women have been told by both DOCS and the family court that they are bad mothers and at fault because their exes abused their kids.

If you actually read what I wrote instead of spewing rubbish, you'd know *I* didn't say anyone was a bad mother because they were married to an abuser. In fact, if you bothered to ask for more information, instead of spewing nastiness, you'd know I believe quite the opposite.

Many women were like me - they stayed with their abusive partners because they knew, despite the idiocy that the courts and DOCS say, that it was safer to stay with their abusers than to leave - that if they dared leave, their exes would get shared custody, and keep abusing the kids except worse to get back at them for leaving BUT if they stayed, they could protect the kids by stepping in and taking the beatings meant for the kids.

That's why I stayed with my ex for years after he started bashing me - as long as we were together, he left our daughter alone. If I'd left any earlier than what I did, he'd have hurt our daughter to get back at me - when I did kick him out when he did turn on our daughter one day, he threatened to kill her to get back at me - something else the family court ignored.

If you were educated and looked into it, you'd know the countless stories in the news of women losing custody because the courts blamed them for their ex's violence.

You'd also know that here in Australia, where I'm from, that equal shared custody is the LAW. Magistrates simply follow that and ignore battered women. You'd also know things like there have been several high profile cases where paedophiles have been granted shared custody of their young girls.

Rachel it's people like you who make life hell for women who have been through what abuse victims like myself have gone through. Instead of comforting women who have been punished by the family court for being married to an abuser, you ridicule them and deny the hell they have been through in family court. Denying what abuse victim has been through is nearly as bad as abusing them yourself.

It doesn't surprise me people like you are all for violence. Sadly, however I know all too well, violence like what you suggest wouldn't fix your ignorance. Even a thousand slaps wouldn't fix your ignorance.

I didn't call you names or say you deserve to be assaulted because of your first ignorant post. I could have done so. Instead, I just corrected your ill informed information.

Neither your nastiness nor your ignorance are helpful. Get your facts straight and grow up. I'd say you need help, but unfortunately your ignorance isn't an illness nor is your nastiness and I doubt there is anything that can be done for either.

It's people like you who deny battered women's experiences that are the reason why so many women are scared to speak out about their terrible experiences in family court. Comments like yours just further victimise women who have been through hell. Your comments are disgusting. Absolutely disgusting.

Sasha - posted on 09/14/2011

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I am also going through custody battle. first thing you should do is get a lawyer. Write down anything that you can remember and anything new that may happen.More than likely the mother always gets custody. If they allow him joint custody it can be for physical and legal or just one or the other. But you should get a lawyer ASAP...They can help alot. Anytime you are going to court for custody a lawyer is recommended.

Rachel - posted on 09/13/2011

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Seriously Julie?? I wish I was ur computer screen so I could lean forward and smack you! Don't listen to her hun. She's not very smart. Its not your fault ur husband became abusive. That is so not true. What kind of idiot judge wouls put a child in custody of an abusive man? Its not gonna happen. Julie I really hope u get help ur not well

Nikole - posted on 09/13/2011

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Mother's have the upper hand. I have many lawyer friends and have many discussions regarding this issue. If his grandparents have full custody, that's not going to look good in court. I am 100% positive that he will not get full custody. He would have to prove you an unfit mother. My best advice is to document all lines of communications with him, and take pictures of all abuse. This will not look good in court either. Just stand your ground and be organized. I wouldn't worry. Judges usually side with the mother.

Julie - posted on 09/12/2011

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Nah, it's not true what Rachel said. until the last decade, women always got custody of their chidren. Now it's equal shared custody at best, and quite often abusive men get most custody or full custody. Women are blamed for being married to an abusive man and labelled as bad mothers, so the court gives custody to their ex even though he is the abuser

Julie - posted on 09/08/2011

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Yeah, sadly I know a lot of cases where women were scared that 1. their husband would kill them or their kids if they left and 2. knew that if they left, the court would award shared custody and he'd abuse the kids. And when they finally were able to find a safe way to leave, they lost custody because the court said they didn't do anything to protect the kids.

It's a pathetic joke - a woman loses custody because a man is abusive, and the kids are given over to that abusive man to keep abusing!

gotta love the family court NOT

Paige - posted on 08/30/2011

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Well thanks fr the advice and support everyone! I did not get the protection order! Judge told him to not contact me at all but he wasnt going to order protection. So now its going to get ugly..My family helped me get a lawyer so now she is responding to his petition. Guess we will see how it goes from there.

Nikole - posted on 08/28/2011

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Paige, I have many lawyer friends that were able to provide me with advice about my divorce and custody battle. Basically he would have to prove that you were an unfit mother... which is pretty much impossible unless you have a drug problem/abusive - which I doubt highly. More then likely you will have to prove him an unfit father by showing proof. Pictures, detailed written descriptions of instances and save all texts and voicemails. More then likely what will happen is that he will have supervised visits. Just keep it detailed and more then likely you won't have anything to worry about given his past. Him getting custody is NOT going to be an issue. I wouldn't worry at all about that. He can threaten all he wants... WON'T HAPPEN. The only thing that may happen is joint custody... but highly doubtful. Don't worry... either way, it will be in your favor! Hang in there and good luck!!! Give us an update!!

Kelsey - posted on 08/24/2011

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It always helps to prove our case..try to take pictures of any bruise marks before taking him to court. But since your already in the process, use what you can against him. If you can prove to the court that he is an unfit father or that the child is not "equally" safe with both parents, then the judge should order full-legal custody to you. Good Luck, you never know which way the coin will land, but hopefully it lands in your direction.

Lacye - posted on 08/24/2011

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See if you can find the grandparents that gained custody of his other daughter and ask for their help. They might be willing since he is abusive. I hate that you have to go through something like this.

Erica - posted on 08/24/2011

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Do u have friend's who have seen him hit ur girl if so have them write a statement or any one who has seen it.

Jackie - posted on 08/23/2011

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if he gets access scream for supervised access then people will be able to monitor him and see!! but most courts will be able to look at u and see how scared u are of him or be little by him so don't worry to much especially as he lost custardy of his 1st child!

Barb - posted on 08/21/2011

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Did you ever report the abuse? Did they take pictures of it and document it at the police station cause if you have you won't have too much trouble proving.

Josephine - posted on 08/21/2011

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Contact the grandparents of the other child and simply ask if your situation or experiences are similar. Ask anyone who has witnesses anything or you have confided in to sign an affidated on your behalf. Also try & remember certain memories & put it together with a round about date to help you remember time frames & write them all down. Talk to the mother of the little boy & ask her to talk to their son so he can be protected in the future. Any legal system should respect your view. You can also ask your lawyer to get the previous case he was ruled against in as proof against him. Its worth a try.

Julie - posted on 08/21/2011

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Be careful what you wish for when wishing your ex will find someone to be miserable with.

My ex is one of those guys who can fool most of the people most of the time. I got lucky when applying for a domestic violence order (it's basically a restraining order against partners/former partners), because he went totally berserk in the court house before I even arrived one day. It took 6 police to settle him and he was totally rude to the magistrate.

Unfortunately that was inadmissable in my family court case because it was a different jurisdiction and a different type of court (family courts are seperate from other forms of court like civil and criminal).

But it used to make me mad how he could wrap police around his finger after he'd just beaten the living daylights out of me and then would pretend he was somehow a victim - even just a few weeks after I had major surgery when I couldn't get out of bed in the morning without help, he once convinced the police that he hadn't beat me up, it was just a "mutual fight", even though I was covered in injuries and he didn't have a scratch on him (I was a former martial artist, and surgery or not, if I'd assaulted him, he wouldn't walk off without a scratch - he wouldn't be able to walk off, period).

Like any manipulative controlling husband, he long scared my friends off - he used to abuse them, and I must admit they were mostly pretty shallow and never bothered coming back, even after I got him out of our lives.

His friends I already knew were losers - most of whom believe wife bashing is ok, but a wife who dares talk about it, is bad and deserves a good beating to be put back into place (it's these type of guys that need a good shot in the head). And the few of his friends that he pretended to be this wonderful fantastic loving guy who was a great husband and caring, were all immature and easily manipulated, and think the definition of a "great guy" is one who "volunteers" to help out in a car club, and is "nice" because they drive friends to events where they hoon around and do illegal driving things together.

Real upstanding citizen there NOT.

I should have known the only friend of mine to actually like him as a person (as opposed to the few who were nice to him because he was my husband) was bad news.

I must admit, if I had left him without him being involved with someone else, he'd have stalked me to the ends of the earth, and would have kept coming after me til one of us was dead.

It's pretty disgusting though when the reason you get someone out of your life after showing them the door for bashing a young child, is because one of your "best" friends has been sleeping with him for months, possibly years, and convinces him that he actually chose to leave to be with her.

What disgusts me though is how the pair of them have their families and her friends wrapped up in their sick lies. Both of them have a long history of abusing their daughters, both are drug addicted, both sleep around, both are nasty, abusive people who think violence is "normal and "acceptable" in relationships (as she said to me on more than one occasions) and that "everyone does it" (maybe in her twisted friends, but not normal people). She threatened my daughter, me and other people in my life.

Her affair with my (now ex) husband got him out of my life, but now i'm stuck with her in my life. She is genuinely psychopathic (diagnosed officially). And she is obsessed with me. Had been for quite some time. She got obsessed with taking over my life - first with sleeping with my husband, then with breaking us up, then she wanted to get me out of the picture (yes I mean dead) so that not only would he stop trying to get back with me, but because she wanted my daughter as her own to replace her own daughter she'd lost custody of to an ex. She sucked up to my daughter for the first two visits and then when my daughter refused to call her mummy (this is after having just met this woman twice for a few hours), she went nuts and hated my daughter, and was jealous as anything of the few hours my ex spent with our daughter, and is mostly the reason he cut off seeing her - to keep his mistress happy.

You'd think though, that would be enough, but this woman continues to be obsessed with my life - it was bad enough when I found out she started faking a serious medical condition I have (which sadly is fakeable if someone is manipulative enough) because she'd learnt the symptoms from me in our 6 years of friendship. Despite the fact that I had several friends pointing out to me her delusional stalkerish posts about me all over the internet (claiming I was out to get her, doing things to her etc -despite the fact the very thing she was claiming was precisely what they were doing to me - my house keeps getting egged, things stolen from my yard, my car getting broken into at home when I'm not here etc). I kept ignoring it, stopped bothering even reporting it to the police because they never bothered enforcing the restraining order even when I took in conclusive proof he was breaching (eg things like phone records proving he kept calling when the order said he wasn't to).

Even though the things being done to my house and car continue, I have tried to ignore it, especially her lies online. But the final straw was recently when I found out she's now pretending to have more serious medical conditions I have.

I mean, I knew she was a fake - all the years she pretended to have depression for sympathy, all the years she pretended to be infertile because of an STI from a "cheating" boyfriend - all turned out to be fake. Particularly the infertile thing she told me for sympathy because I nearly definitely can't have more kids because of what happened when my now-ex decided to go out with his mates to get stoned when I begged him to take me to hospital when I was in labour and things went very bad because of it.

She has a long history of faking medical conditions for attention, and I should have realised, she was a little obsessed with saying she had similar ones to me, but it's got ridiculous.

So be very careful with what you wish - sure it would be great to get rid of your ex by putting his attention on someone else - but 1. it could just make another woman out there go through what you have which would really not be good, or 2. she could be a psychopath who could make your life more hell than your ex has done.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/20/2011

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Heh my ex got in trouble with his Commanding officer a back in 2008 for claiming our daughter on his income taxes. The reason he got in trouble is because in order to claim a child you have to have had the child live with you for at least 6 months or have permission. He and his wife didn't have permission and my ex was in Afganistan from for a year so he wasn't even in the country most of that year and forget 6 months, she'd only been with him a few weekends. And he blew her off his last weekend in NY for his step daughter's birthday! Another thing my lawyer and I showed the judge. Anyways my ex and his wife got in trouble and had to pay back the money they'd received from their taxes. If he tries it again this year, he could get jail time for tax fraude. Yay!

None of my friends- including the ones who's husbands were friends of his or the guys who were friends with my ex like him. I was told by one friend who I knew back in TX that she only tolerated my ex because of me.

The most annoying person I have to deal with (aside from his mom who won't shut up about how he's an author too- thank God I'm in BC now and don't feel obligated to do the once a month supervised visits in her mini roach motel.) is his wife. She sent me an email after I got engaged to my huband about how happy she was for me and how she was always telling me how I would find someone I was meant for. Yeah, sure lady. That was between the emails where you said I deserved to die in a landfill so you all can raise MY child and how I should allow my child to go visit you down in TX because you both think that 3 days is an adaquate amount of time spent with a child. And that same child is 4 at the time and is also going to Disney World with her grandparents at the same time you both up and decided to take her. WTF no wonder my friends think both of them are whack jobs. Honestly I know she was just relieved because for the entire time I was single and even when I was dating my husband she thought I wanted my ex back. Seriously? No I didn't want him back, I wanted to send you a card. But Hallmark doesn't make 'Hey skanky bitch, thanks for taking my man whore of a husband off my hands' cards. And I do believe my ex is mad I'm not still pining after him trying to get him back. Aw well.

Don't worry, sooner or later guys like these go back to the rocks they crawled out from under and you will have your life back. Even if they don't like it.

[deleted account]

Oh no, I know that feeling though, I thought I was pregnant right after I left my ex, I was so thankful when I found out I wasn't. I hope it works out for you hon. Ya, no, that's just ew! I have 2 step brothers and they didn't become my step brothers until I was 11 and one was the same age as me and I wouldn't have ever even have thought about doing anything with him. He was still my brother to me. That's just gross. And I can't believe he did that to you, that is just wrong!!! After I had our son my sister came to visit and my ex kept starring at her and flirting with her (right in front of my face) and he even told me that he wanted to sleep with her. My sister was like, "ew, no way" and I knew she would never do anything with him but I was so upset with him, you don't tell your wife, who just had a baby, that you want to sleep with her sister. He had never seen her before that except in pictures. It's good that your friend will be there with you, you need the support right now. I always ignore myself, my hubby keeps telling me that I need to take better care of myself because he wants to spend as long as possible with me. He's not worried about how I look or whether or not I wear makeup or really nice clothes, all he cares about is me being healthy. I guess my body is telling me the same thing though because I had to have spinal cord surgery this year, I had a cavernous malformation in there that had to be removed because I was going numb from the chest down. I am still somewhat numb from the waist down but it is slowly going away. That is one of the things that really made me be able to let go, life's too short, it's not worth it to be upset all the time, especially over someone so worthless to me.

Jessica - posted on 08/20/2011

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Too true... too true. he has his own stories about the women before me... and yet, he wrinkled our wedding photos getting an old "family" portrait into the sleeve with him, his ex, and her son Carl. what a lier.



Same thing here with the male and female, except it was all accusations of sleeping with them. Because I am bi, he tried to accuse me of sleeping with my adopted SISTER?!!! ewwww icky! that is just GROSS!!! blood means nothing, a sister is a sister. just because she hated him and loved me... *shivers* eww. Even if she wasn't my sister, no offesne, not only was I married, but.... she's SO... ewwwwwwwww not my type.... and my sister....... and a slut, and my SISTER!!!! EW! If he did that with my sister, you can imagine how far he took it everywhere else. that one is still absolutely discussing though. the thought makes me want to puke.



I think I switch between undeniably happy and angry with him at this point. I also suspect I am pregnant from before he left... oh crap. that one gets.... uh... well... I panic. My friend is coming over in a couple of days to sit with me while I take the test(because although 4 or five months is a long time to not notice you would be surprised how much ignoring of yourself one does to smile with her kids... so now that everything is settling down a little.... I think and "oh crap").

[deleted account]

None taken and exactly. I had only met them just before I met him and they were more his friends than they were mine. I was not allowed to be friends with women because they were all sluts and I was a slut if I hung out with them and I wasn't allowed to have male friends because I was sleeping with them (he constatnly accused me of that when he wasn't calling me fat after having a child). I don't worry about them, all the friends I have now love me and my family and care about me, they don't know my ex and the few that knew him in high school thought he was a jerk even then and don't talk to him now. I don't worry about it and I have moved on. I have a husband who loves me with all of his heart, two more beautiful children, and the only thing he can do to hurt me anymore is mess with my son and our relationship. And if he does that he's screwed he is not supposed to say anything bad to our son about me and if he does I will be taking him back to court so fast his head will spin. It sounds like your ex is doing the same mine did, trying to get back together with you because he knows he screwed up and he doesn't want it to come out in court. Well all I have to say is everyone knows what karma is and it will come back to bite these guys in the butt one day. In fact, with my ex it might have already happened in some ways. He has not been with a woman since I left him 7 and a half years ago. No one wants to be with him, after one date they say they never want to see him again and then he says that all women are stupid (except for me he says 'cause I am our sons mother) and that he isn't even going to try anymore. I thought, "well if every woman you have ever dated or been with was stupid, then maybe it's not them, maybe it's you". He's not bright enough to think about that though. Oh well, I'm happy and my kids are happy, that's all that matters.

Jessica - posted on 08/20/2011

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we had one mutual friend. As far as I know, he limits contact for now, with both of us. He just wants to stay OUT of it... completely. and what friend would I have during our marriage? he chased them all off. They "took up" my time. I had a couple acquaintances but only recently took it to actual friendship... because he wouldn't LET me. HIS friends all believe HIM. let them. He will crash and burn when we get to court, and he realizes he really screwed up. he still thinks he is going to get BACK with me and come HOME. pft. as if.



I hope your friends see hat they are being idiots, no offense.

[deleted account]

I know exactly what you mean Stephanie, all of my exes friends think that he is this wonderful father and that I am a horrible person. In fact, every single friend I had when I was with him would not speak to me after I left him because he kept putting them in the middle of everything and they said that it wasn't that they didn't want to be friends with me but that they didn't want to be put in the middle of it. Now though, after ten years of hearing his lies they think that I am this horrible mother who doesn't care about her child. I know it's hard, especially when you don't have a lawyer but because you are the mom you do not need super expensive one and I know that doesn't make any difference lawyers are still expensive. It took me years too get one. Our son was 2 when I left and I didn't get a lawyer until 2 years ago, our son will be 9 in August. I finally got the money saved up and got a lawyer and now he can't play his games anymore. And that is also why he can't control me anymore and why I don't argue with him anymore. I do't have to worry about it, I don't have to deal with it I just send it all to my lawyer. I also saved every single thing from the past 10 years that could incriminate him; recordings of phone calls, letters, texts, etc. You should call the court house where you live and find out if they can give you any information on getting a lawyer. I know where I got divorced if you didn't make a certain amount of money you could get a lawyer for free. These lawyers worked pro bono for people who did not make that much money because they know that everyone (even people who don't make very much) deserves the proper representation. We made 2,000 dollars yearly over what the cut off was. You should look into that though, that would give you time to save money and still have a lawyer right now when you need it most. Just a thought.

Jessica - posted on 08/20/2011

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My 18 month old toddler throws less tantrums when he gets his own way. Is their a more demeaning and under-grown term we can use? I think that just insulted the kids?



Yep... the abusive jerk can't take it. Last I heard, the job he lost, and never replace, the month before we said our vows, still has not bee replaced. Oh yeah... THAT makes him look "good".



My problem is I don't have the money FOR the lawyer so... I have to file without one. They don't really make that an easy thing to do. I have run across several who want an arm and a leg just to TELL you how to do it. ridiculous.



In the middle of one of his epic tantrums my little rowan is better behaved and more mature than my husband ever was after we married, and of COURSE he was bullshitting everyone, cheating, breaking every vow while I provided AND took care of EVERYTHING. Didn't start off like that and after rohan was born it went south even more. I mean, I was pregnant, on bed rest, and doing everything... so he complained that he had to do everything (which he did not, he made ME do it), and that I was lazy.... and blah blah blah. He would walk in and dump his stuff all over the floor JUST to make more work for ME. The cheating REALLY got me. if he had time to CHEAT, them maybe he should have taken that time and got a JOB... he was offered several. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.



hehehe... scumbag central is where he must have been taught how to treat a woman. Oh btw, after rohan was born, the night we got back, he handed ALL the dishes he didn't do while I was in the hospital ALONE, and he was at home, to me, and said that since he helped do them while I was pregnant that it was now my turn. the thought alone makes me boil. He mooched off my disability check and stole any money I managed to save... I don't owe him crap... and the last time he had a visit with the boys he said "see you soon" and I am like" the boys will see you soon" and he got all pissed off like I am being unreasonable and hung up. the time before that he canceled because of that and he wanted to be with his friends. UG. what did I EVER see in him? the worst part is I sometimes have to force myself to remember(not hard btw) why I left because I still care about him. that just makes it worst for me because I keep thinking I should hate him or something. and of course, he keeps trying to trap me into breaking the restraining order... so he can claim it was broken by ME first. then he calls(I found out) and hangs up(I had no idea who it was before), but calls from a long distance number so I can't call back(we don't have long distance). THEN I only found this out BC I used someone else s phone to call the phone he used. *roles eyes* He is saying I am like his ex gf, who had a kid and when they broke up he SAID he called her and pinned it all on her and blah blah blah. basically, he is telling ppl that I am keeping him from his kids and that he is a good father, the picture of perfect. makes me wanna puke.



And the straw that broke the camels back was "dada says momma no love me".

[deleted account]

Oh I understand Megan. I am really sorry for your daughter it does sound like your ex is very controlling as well as yours Stephanie. My ex was the same way. Of course I am sure that is made plainly obvious in the "book" that I wrote below, lol. He has been trying to control me for the last ten years and now he doesn't have the upper hand anymore. He can't control me anymore and that irritates the hell out of him. You should hear his voice on the phone now. When he doesn't get his way he first tries to manipulate me, then he tells me that he'll take me to court, then when I tell him to go ahead, he tries to argue with me, and I tell him that if he has any thing else to say to me he can call my lawyer, then he gets pissed off, and hangs up the phone. Then a couple of days later I am either getting a text or a phone call with him telling me that he wants to work it all out. Of course he does, he his mom and dad have told him that they are not going to let him take me back to court when his lawyer costs his parents $300 an hour. Kind of funny if you ask me, you make sure that you pay for the best lawyer money can buy and your parents won't even let you use your lawyer because she's so expensive, lol. Oh and I also found out from my friend that knows his lawyer personally (which I did not know until last week) that his lawyer is one of the best in our county and she takes whatever cases she can because it's a pay check but when she thinks that her client is being unreasonable (which my ex always is) she does not work as hard for them as she does her other clients. So essentially my exes parents are paying for a lawyer that cost them an arm and a leg but getting the same service as a lawyer that would have cost him a fraction of the price. For the most part the reason I married my ex to begin with is because I got pregnant and I grew up believing that when you get pregnant out of wedlock you get married, it's the right thing to do. I hadn't even known my ex for very long before I got pregnant we weren't even really dating just hanging out. Then I got pregnant and I tried to make it work for our son's sake, now I wish I had just followed my heart and done what I knew was right from the beginning and that was to never have married him and taken my son and lived with my parents.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/20/2011

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It seems like a lot of us married the all or nothing kind of guy first. My ex sounds a lot like Stephanie's. He looks good until you get all the paperwork. What makes me mad is he likes to act like he's some kind of dedicated family man and he isn't. He almost was arrested back in 2007 because he came to get our daughter without telling anyone and caused a huge scene. The police almost arrested him because he wouldn't leave my parents' driveway. It's been 4 years since I won full custody and he has visitation (which he hardly uses) and virtual visitation (which he stopped doing too) but he claims that the judge didn't do his job.

Honestly when we get down to it all these 'men' are like large toddlers crying because they haven't gotten their own way.

Jessica - posted on 08/20/2011

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Not alone, however m own battle has just begun, and is nowhere near complete.

My husband(we are not actually divorced yet), is supposed to call every Friday, but does not. In-fact, when we call HIM, he refuses to answer.
The only set agreement we have on visitation is to follow the restraining order(supervised visits), and that when he asks for a visit, I arrange it. I corespond with the "third party" and they meet on the date time, and place(a local McDonald's) specified. He has been gone nearly five months and has asked for three visits... canceling one.

He had begun to call every other week(still supposed to call on every Friday), however, the last time he called he hung up on Rowan after I would not give him permission to break the restraining order. Rowan needs a new car seat and he wanted to break it to bring $20.00 for a new one... however we both know that was not his true goal. If I willingly allow him to break the restraining-order, then I give up my right to hold it against him to keep him away from our home. He wants the control.

so.. a friend of mine says she has a copy of the paperwork I need from her OWN divorce, and she will help me out, but then I still am worried. He is the "play nice" type of guy.

The only reason the cops knew what they were looking at when they carted him off that night, was because the responding officer and his partner had been out to us before. They KNEW my husband was FULL OF SHIT!!! The most wonderfully validating moment in our entire marriage(though I guess it sounds morbid unless you have been called a lier about such things before and know the insanity it can bring in your head) was when the officer closed our door, walked outside, and asked my husband "why did you rape your wife?" I thought I was going to get crap, and wouldn't even come right out and say it... but the officer obviously knew and my husband didn't deny it. he just... apologized and... bargained and tried to swear he would never do it again... and... balled his eyes out. The officer came back in and informed me what they could take him for(though rape was not it since it is too hard to prove). It gave me the opening I needed to not only get him OUT, but to put in the order of protection. That officer, restored a tiny bit of my faith in the "boys in blue" that not all are corrupted assholes who think your not worth their time.

But I digress. Now I am trying to figure out how to start the process of custody and though I will allow supervised visits without a fight, I want to go for full custody and allow him visits. He makes that awfully hard. I know he has something up his sleeve. he always does. he is the "all or nothing" kinda guy.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/20/2011

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Sarah, you're probably right. But it's been a while so some of the facts aren't accurate. The point is he could take some holiday time and spend time with our daughter he just won't do it. I believe it's mainly to spite me for getting remarried and the judge allowing me to move from NY to BC. Right now he's required to pay 1/2 of her air fare plus accompany our daughter on the flight until she's 9 or 10 (My older girl is going to be 7 next month & according to Canadian law she can't travel by herself until she's 10) Last year he drove up from GA to NY and took her for 2 weeks and my daughter says he didn't take time off to spend with her either.

It doesn't bother me that he doesn't contact her at all (they've spoken once since we moved here in June) because my daughter has a wonderful step dad who treats her like his own child and she has a lot of other family members both here and back in NY. But I know it bothers my daughter sometimes because she did like visiting her father and she does get hurt that he doesn't contact her. But my ex doesn't see why he should do anything above having child support automatically deducted from his pay at the 1st of the month. He believes that because he gave her stuff that one day our daughter will see how I really am (the only parent who raised her) and want to live with him. Instead his actions are making it so our daughter wants nothing to do with him.

[deleted account]

I think you might be mistaken Megan, my husband is in the military and he gets 2 1/2 days off for every 30 days he works. However, if it were important to your ex he would save up his time so that he could see your daughter. My ex makes it a pirority to save up his leave so that we can use it to see our children from our previous marrigaes. That is why we never go on vacations. Not to mention the fact that your ex gets a lot of holidays being in the military so if his visitation falls on or around a holiday he should get the time off anyway. That's just ridiculous, he doesn' care about your daughter otherwise he would do what he had to. And I think your right, the wife should be helping him and if she loved him she would make it a priority as well. I'm sorry that your daughter is having to go through that Megan. And I am sorry for what you are having to go through Julie. I have never heard of anything like what you have experienced in Australia. That is so sad for the children. I am sorry for what you have had to go through as well.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/20/2011

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I lived in New York at the time of my custody hearings and for me it was easy to prove the abuse because he was continuing it during the custody and visitation hearings. He did it again when I tried to move. And my ex doesn't contact our daughter at all. He actually told me back in May that it was our daughter's responsibility to call him and he didn't have the money to pay for our daughter to visit him this summer. He doesn't want to take time off from work (He's career military and gets 1 1/2 day off for each full day worked) so he'd have to pay a sitter. God he's married and his wife supposedly has some high paying job, get her to help!

Anyway, Paige I still suggest emailing the grandparents because the worst they can say is no

Julie - posted on 08/20/2011

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Sorry if I didn't already mention, my daughter is now thankfully safe because exactly what I said would happen did happen:

as soon as my ex got shared custody, he stopped seeing our daughter altogether. doesn't call, doesn't even send birthday cards.

i told the magistrate him seeking shared custody was only his way of proving he could still control us after i kicked him out, but they didn't listen.

but as usual, i was right.

but it's a good thing. she's been able to move on without him and his abuse, and the abusive people he exposed her to.

Julie - posted on 08/20/2011

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@Megan... unfortunately getting a new judge isn't a simple process. They have to commit some kind of gross misconduct. And it wasn't just the magistrate who was the problem. Everyone involved, including the "independant" children's lawyer (who I should add NEVER even met my daughter), the psychologist we both had to go see, etc, all believed that shared custody should happen no matter what.

There have been many cases in australia of shared custody being awarded to men with a long history of violently abusing their children (my ex thankfully only did it once - but only because I had been able to physically step in and take the beatings meant for our daughter). There have even been cases of paedophiles not only getting equal shared custody, but there was a case recently about a paedophile keeping custody after admitting to sleeping naked with his 3 and 5 year old daughters. All he had to do was promise to provide a bedroom with locks on the inside for them to sleep and promise not to be naked around them or to sleep with them.

Like a paedophile is going to be honest or not molest them some other time of the day when they're not in bed.

Our family cour system is messed up in a major way.

[deleted account]

I don't know where you live but unless you have some kind of proof it is very, very difficult to prove emotional abuse. My ex was emotionally abusive to me and my son and when I called a women's shelter to get away from him they wouldn't help me because I couldn't prove emotional abuse. CPS wouldn't help me, I could not find a lawyer who would work pro bono for me, I had no help what-so-ever. I really hope everything works out for you but my best advice would be to get a lawyer and make sure it is a really good lawyer, start going to counseling if you aren't already and get your daughter into a counselor that specializes in child psychology. If she doesn't need it now, she will. The counseling will not only benefit the both of you but it will help you in court. I got screwed, my ex said that he would work it out with me, that I didn't need to worry about not having a lawyer, that we would split visitation equally, that neither of us would pay child support, and that his lawyer would draw up all of the paperwork so I didn't have to worry about a thing. I got SCREWED, he lied to me!!! I was naive, I was 20 at the time (we were only married a year and a half) and I didn't have any support what-so-ever. The only person I had who was there for me was my friend Scott who is now my husband. He didn't know much about divorces though, he was going through a divorce as well and he had a lawyer but his lawyer was not a good lawyer and he got screwed as well. Anyways, I ended up with every-other weekend and one evening a week visitation. My ex didn't care about having custody of our son, all he cared about was hurting me because I hurt him. I have tried getting full cutody of him but to no avail, it has been too long and judges don't like mothers who give up their kids (even though I didn't give him up). It breaks my heart but it is what it is and I am so sick of getting dirty looks for it. I had no money, no where to live, a part time job, I was full time college student, no family to help me, and only one friend that I could count on. That is why I am a very non-judgemental person, however, I do not let anyone walk all over me anymore and I am very leary of who I let into my life. Every lawyer I have ever talked to says that because I didn't fight for him in the first place and because he had been there for so long when I tried to take him back to court (it took me a few years because I had to save up the money) that I would not get custody of him. I also do not spend enough time with him to get him into counseling and I know his father will not take him. He is emotionally abusive to our son and he doesn't even support him. He does not work, he is not going to school, he has no ambitions in life, he is 31 and still lives with his parents, he watches adult swim on cartoon network all the time, he never makes sure that our son reads (he is 9 and has a very difficult time reading), he never works with him on his homework, he doesn't make his meals, he doesn't clean up after our son or himself, he doesn't take him to school, and he doesn't care about his education at all. He does go to the parent teacher conferences and he has him in sports and goes to every practice and game but he only does these things to look good to people so that they will all say that he is a great father. He even lies to people and his friends and tells them that he bought things for our son when I bought them or his mom bought them (he doesn't have a job, it's kind of hard to buy anything when you don't have a job). He has gotten angry with me for not telling him in advance that I was coming to pick my son up for my visitation and I remind him that he is an adult and he has the custody decree, I should not have to tell him when I am going to come and pick him up, it is outlined in the decree and I am not his mother, I am not going to go out of my way to make sure that he knows things that he should already know. We had a confusion involved with this summers visitation because he told me that I was supposed to have him home on the 7th and I told him that it was the 8th. I always make sure that I have the divorce decree on me so when we went back to court in April and we had a new decree made for summer visitation I didn't even think about making sure that I had it. I had the letters from my lawyer and his lawyer stating that it was the 8th so I thought for sure that I had the paper work too. When I went to look for it so I could scan it and send it to him I could not find it. He didn't have it either. I took my son home because he threatened to make my life a living hell, to have me thrown in jail, and to make sure that I didn't get summer visitation for next summer. I told him that we had planned the whole summer that my son would be home on the 8th and that we had plans for the 7th, I asked him if he would please give me that one more day, not for my sake but for our sons and that it would break our sons heart, he didn't care and he said that he had plans for that day with our son. When I asked him what plans he had with a 9 year old after 9 o'clock at night he scoffed and said don't worry about it, I have plans. I told him later that night that our son was crying and asked him if he would please reconsider and he wouldn't, but he told me that if he was wrong about the dates that he would put hot sauce in his eyes and then he said that I could do it. (That is how childish and ridiculous he is.) I took our son home and called my lawyer the next day, I wasn't supposed to take him home until the 8th, I was right, my lawyer was right, his lawyer was right and the only reason we didn't have the paperwork is because his lawyer didn't submit it like she was supposed to. So my son was crying and he had to be upset about all of the plans we had that we didn't get to do that day all because of him and his lawyer. Now he is trying to cover his butt, he is offering me one more day at Christmas and has told me that a text is as good as his signature on paper. I won't believe it until I see it because for the last 10 years every single time he has ever told me anything or told me that he was going to do me a favor he went back on it. It's ridiculous and I sincerely hope that you don't have to deal with him and that some of these women are right and he doesn't come around after all is said and done. I would not wish what I have been through these last ten years on my worst enemy. Since your daughter is so young you have about the same amount of time to deal with him as I did to start out with my ex too. Just remember to be the bigger person, don't play into his games, and don't let him hurt your daughter, no matter what. If you find later on that there is some kind of abuse or emotional abuse going on make sure that you do something about it. I would keep her in constant counseling that way the counselor can catch it right away and there is a non-biased party to write a report for you when you go to court anytime in the future. My parents did this with us after their divorce when I was growing up and it really does help. Also, I really hope that your daughter never, ever experiences this but their is something called PAS, make sure you look it up and keep an eye out for the symptoms of it because if you can prove this with a written letter from your counselor or therpist then you will, more likely than not, get full custody. I am working on this right now with my son. Parental Alienation Syndrome is when one parent talks bad about the other and tries to alienate the child so that they only want to be with them and so that they tell other people (even their other parent) that they want to be with them. For instance, my ex told my son that if he ever left him or left him to live with his mom that he would be lost without him because he had nobody else (at this point I was remarried with one child) and mommy had Scott the new baby. My son was only 4 at the time, I was livid to say the least. You don't do that to your child and I have always tried very hard to keep my son out of the middle of things and to not let him hear anything bad that I say about my ex. I have had a few friends over the last ten years that have said things in front of my son and I set them straight and I even said something once in front of him on accident. He was standing behind me while I was on the phone and I didn't know it, we had put him to bed 2 hours earlier and he had gotten up to go potty. Other than that though I have never said anything to him and I have never made him feel like he had to live with me or I would die. In fact, this summer I told him that I loved him very much and while I would love to have him with me all the time, my only concern is his happiness. I told him that if he ever wanted to come live with me he could but that I will not ask him and I will not make him choose. He knows that my parents were divorced and he knows that I will not put him in the middle of it. I do let him know when his dad tells him not to tell me something that that is not right because it makes him feel bad and stuck in the middle. I am sorry that this has kind of turned into a book but I want you to know the problems you might face in your future (this isn't even a fraction of it) with your ex and even if you get custody you will still have to deal with him and his emotional abuse. I also want you to know that whatever you do you need to make sure that you get a VERY, VERY, VERY good lawyer, if you want to make sure that things go smoothly. I am not trying to scare you but I am trying to make you aware. I was stupid but I am not anymore and I now have a Master's degree in education, I am trying to work it all out. I am hoping that my son will come to realize what his father is like on his own and that he will choose to come live with us. He loves his step-dad and his brother and sister very much and he misses them tremendously when he's not here and vise versa. My husband has even taught him to tie his shoes, ride a bike, ride it without training wheels, throw a ball, play tag, and he even was the one who started working on him with his reading when he was first learning. My ex puts him in with a reading aid at school so he doesn't have to deal with it and he plays video games and watches tv with him all the time. He never plays outside and he has no friends at his dads house. He is obese (50 pounds overweight) because his father lets him eat and drink whatever he wants (he has been drinking soda since he was 2). I know it is taking a tole on his heart and according to the JAMA (Journal of American Medical Association) kids that are obese are dying, it puts a strain on their hearts and they are more likely to have a heart attack in their 20's, so my ex is killing my son. The JAMA has also put out a report stating that they recommend that all children who are obese either be placed in foster care or with the other parent if the other parent is deemed fit. My ex says it's my fault too but my other 2 kids who are 4 and 5 are exactly where they should be as far as height and weight and love to play outside more than they love to play video games or watch tv. They both just had their check ups and they have always been where they are supposed to be as far as their weight. There was one time when my youngest son was a little over weight (2 pounds) but he was going through a growth spurt at the time. I know when they are going through growth spurts because they start eating all the time which they don't normally do (in fact he is going through one right now as well, lol). There are so many other stories I could tell you and so much more advice I could give you as far as the court systems and how to make things work for you and how to deal with an emotionally abusive ex. My parents were divorced and both were emotionally abusive and now I have had to deal with my ex for the last ten years. I have learned a lot of what I have learned through parenting classes, counseling, and common sense. I ma here if you need to talk or if you want anymore information, just let me know and again, I am sorry that this turned into a book. : - )

Paige - posted on 08/19/2011

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THanks girl!! I also wish you luck!!! Hope it goes well with you!! Let us know!!

Ashley - posted on 08/19/2011

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You need a lawyer damit i hate how they can do this. there is a mental test u can ask the court for him to do it costs a lot but his expence done by therapists and such i need to do more resurch but if he gets any supervision you should ask for him to go to parenting classes and angermanagment. i have court on the 12 of sept and am scared shitless diff story but my ex not bio is trying to get access to my son. he is crazzy but hard to prove. best of luck let us no how it goes

Paige - posted on 08/19/2011

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Alyssa, I am very sorry to hear that! I am glad you guys got away though! Must have been so hard! Noone deserves to be treated that way!

Alyssa - posted on 08/19/2011

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Paige, I know exactly what you're dealing with. I went through the exact same thing, except from the child's POV. My father was a mentally, emotionally, and sexually abusive man. My mother, like most women, was terrified to leave him, and my brother and I finaly started fighting back once we hit our teens. She left him when I was 13, it was a long, hard uphill battle for all of us. We were able to find a local group for battered women and children that were more than willing to help us for free. They found us a very good lawyer that was willing to work for free, found us a nice place to stay so we could hide from him, and helped my mom find a new job so he couldn't go to her work and harass her. After our lawyer did a little digging, we found out that he has 2 other daughters. One that was older than I was and was born about 5 years before me. He lost all custody of her when he started abusing her mother. None of us knew about this. The other little girl was 7 at the time, apparently he'd been having a long-ongoing affair with another woman, who was leaving him for abuse too. All the judge had to see was that this had happened in the past and threw him in prison for 2 years. He filed for visitation when he got out, but in the state we lived in, once the child turns 12, they get to choose which parent they want to live with or visit. I chose not to see him, and still carry alot of bitterness towards him. He passed away in 2009, when I was 5 months pregnant with my daughter. I'm letting it go slowly but surely, but I don't think that I would have ever let him see her. I still have issues about letting his family see her because alot of them went to court and lied about my mother, but I try to put that aside so she can know all of her family.

Paige - posted on 08/19/2011

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Ok so i just typed this long response and it didnt even go thru. Talk about frustrating! lol Well anyway Megan I am sooo sorry you had to go thru all of that! I am very sorry for your loss! That sounds like a huge mess it was! Tells me I am not alone!
So I am afraid of emailing the grandparents I guess..I just have that feeling they might not want to help me, but idk. I know if it was a girl coming to me asking for help I would help her cuz i know what kinda person my ex is and sometimes its difficult and we dont understand things until its to late. I guess I can try and see. Its worth a shot! And my only thing is that i filed a protection order in the state I am currently in. I have moved like 4 hours away to get away from him. So I have to fight for custody in a completely different state because I have not resided in my current state for 6 months.
Is there any advice you guys can give me for the hearing of my protection order. I am going to request sole legal custody of my daughter but idk what else to ask for. Like if he shows I know he is going to be like if she gets custody I want visitation. The only thing is I am starting a whole new life in my current city and I do not want to go back to my old one. So Idk how its going to work. Any advice would be great!!! Its just so stressful! And julie that is horribe! I would have been very upset.

♥♪Megan♫♥ - posted on 08/19/2011

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Julie I would've tried to get a new judge in the case and reported that one. Because in the States and Canada situations like yours- especially where you're ex moved in with someone who had her own child removed from her custody- are very relevent to a custody and visitation case.

Julie - posted on 08/19/2011

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Good luck. the family court (here in Australia) said bashing me was irrelevant, being kicked out for bashing our daughter when she was 5yo was irrelevant, and him moving in with a diagnosed psychopath who had repeatedly threatened violence against my daughter, and had her own daughter removed from her care, was also irrelevant.

Thankfully he stopped seeing our daughter as soon as the court gave him shared custody. Coz the court never would have protected her.

Paige - posted on 08/18/2011

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and the grandparents live way far away and dont know me at all so idk if they would help any..and idk hwo to pull al the past stuff up..

Paige - posted on 08/18/2011

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thanks everyone for all the support! I am so stressed and the info helps so much! im working so hard i am doing one thng at a time. I wish I could do it all at once but i know i cant. Im trying though..thanks so much! my family is supportve so i have all of them but sometims i need more to back me up. So i really appreciate it I am so glad I am not alone. I feel so alone at times. i broke down today and my babygirl noticed and she is only 11 months and she gave me kisses and a hug.

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